Sibling got married last week and no one told me

[TomorrowToday]

This happened 2021 and it still hurts me

My siblings and family live in three cities. My sibling got married last week and no one told me or made plans to see me. Baring in mind we haven't seen each other for 18 months due to pandemic etc.

AIBU to think someone should have told me? I found out via someone at the supermarket.

OP they should have told you even the most dysfunction families still keep family in the loop. As usual not in Mumsnet world or your family. I thought my family was fucked up nothing compares to this thread or some of these responses.

It all depends who went NC and why.

@HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas once again please read the post. It's about them all coming up to see her and no one making the effort for me. They all knew I didn't know and no one thought about my feelings. But hey don't worry I know I'm nothing to any of them.

In my head, NC doesn’t meant you get to hear the latest about whoever your NC with.

I feel that if your family did tell you at the time, you’d be annoyed that they’d broken the NC rules.

Ultimately the questions you need to ask yourself are “why am I letting this bother me”, “what can I do to change this?”.

Sorry you are feeling bad you should have it out with them and tell them your feelings and tell them not to put one DD higher than the other.

But you don’t know why they’re NC. That is important context IMO and maybe the other person didn’t want the OP to know.

What ever the reason she should know what's going on in her family especially if she is talking to other family members. I didn't talk to my brother but I still knew what was going on in his life.

So you expect things like a new baby being born to be never spoken about? Because that puts alot or stress on the other people and really it's bizarre behaviour. All families are different and I think people can make their own decisions but you can't expect others to follow your way of operating. No reason why my parents should lie to me and cover up life events for "hurting feelings".

Why? You don’t know what the other person says about this matter and maybe they said please don’t tell the OP….

And I really don't know why she is Nc with me. She sent me a birthday card 2020 and then got engaged and that's it's.

So without speaking to her I don't know.

Actually, staying overnight doesn’t mean they had time to see you.

If I am away for a weekend wedding i need to get back on the Sunday.

But also, then they would have to have explained why there were there the Saturday but couldn’t see you.

Which would have been giving you information on the sibling you are NC with.

You also state you don’t have an issue with her, but your issue is with the rest of the family. So why did you want to see them?

A couple of questions:

1. Why have you gone nc with her?

2. Is it mutual (or does she want a relationship with you?

3. What would have happened the other way round (ie you getting married and not inviting her)? Would your family have extended the same amount of respect to you as they did to her?

I'm LC with my sibling but my mother would never respect that and always insisted on updating each of us as to what the other was up to. In this case I wouldn't have been able to invite my mother to the wedding as she'd insist on sibling being invited and would have told them. I think it's great your family kept her 'secret' but whether they were UR to you depends on the answers to the above.

Was there sibling rivalry between the two of you is one more successful than the other. It does sound spiteful for her not to say anything. Is she jealous of you?

You are nc so why should you be informed ahead of time. We don't know the reasons behind nc, I suspect it's complicated. All stories have 2 sides

She chose NC. There will be a reason she chose this all you can do is try and find out and then see if it is salvageable if you truly don’t know the reason.

My siblings and I are NC with one sibling, everyone knows why on both sides and it will never be salvageable.

It seems odd to me that you're seemingly more bothered about this wedding (which was in 2021 - weird times for all) than the reason she isn't talking to you.

They didn't come to see you because they were only there for the wedding. That was their focus. It had nothing to do with you. Why haven't you gone to see them?

Again you are missing the point

Why? She has no automatic right to know and if the sister doesn’t want her to know, then that’s tough shit for the op.

I’m NC with a sibling after many years of toxicity and poison, and I don’t want to know the first thing about her life. I simply don’t care. And I don’t want her knowing anything about me. I’ve actually written it into an advanced directive that she is not to be permitted to visit me if I’m in hospital/other care facility and can no longer speak for myself.

When?

I am nc with a family member.

I have no wish to hear anything about them at all. If there was a new baby I wouldn't want to know. What would knowing make any difference to? I'm never going to know the child or have anything to do with them.

It's easier all round not to put other family members in an awkward position just to have an absolute no discussion rule.

In return they don't talk about me to the family member.

Why do you want to know about them if you're NC ?

Yes, exactly. And if you're in the same city, it doesn't mean it's actually easy or you have the time to get from one part to another and get home in good time.

Could the reason for your family not contacting you about your sibling's wedding be because, for whatever reason you are NC with your sibling, your family is siding somewhat with her/him?
And so didn't want to dilute an enjoyable and celebratory occasion (for them) by visiting you or discussing it with you?

@TomorrowToday
In the past 18 months , how many of your family members have you visited? Why were you making inquiries about your sister's wedding, thus putting other family members in an awkward position!?

You are NC with your sister, it is tube of you to make inquiries and try to get them to tell you information that she herself would not share with you.

In this case the consequences for being NC was the lost opportunity to be present at an event with other family members, and the lack of awareness that the event took place.

Your parents and other siblings probably do not like the awkwardness caused by the NC relationship between the 2 of you. Seemingly, they have all made the wise decision to have no part in it.

The decision to go NC comes with an opportunity cost, and it seems as though you are experiencing that cost at this moment. It was and should not have been their concern as to how or when you learned of your sister's wedding. You and your sister have the relationship that you have, and even if your family thinks it to be immature and unnecessary, they are respecting the decision that the 2 of you have made.

You seem to think of yourself as a victim in this situation, but what has stopped you from visiting your family in the 18 months post Covid? What had stopped you from calling or sending a note to your sister wishing her well on this new chapter in her life?

Unfortunately, you are reaping one of the inevitable consequences of going NC. You and your sister chose this path, but it is not a journey that other family members will choose to take with you.

And the road's the same length both ways. You can go to see the rest of your family.