Sibling got married last week and no one told me

[TomorrowToday]

This happened 2021 and it still hurts me

My siblings and family live in three cities. My sibling got married last week and no one told me or made plans to see me. Baring in mind we haven't seen each other for 18 months due to pandemic etc.

AIBU to think someone should have told me? I found out via someone at the supermarket.

It’s ridiculous to expect being NC with a. Sibling and for it to have no impact on other relationships.

Being NC, you have no right to information about them.

They couldn’t tell you they were all coming to town that weekend because it would have been ‘we are coming to town that weekend, would love to see you. But we can’t see you Saturday only Sunday’.

Or what if they needed to get back and didn’t have time to see you at all ‘we are town next weekend but don’t have time to see you’. Why would they tell you that?

That would, inevitably, led to questions from you and you feelings left our. Either you would have realised why they couldn’t or assumed they were doing something else they were leaving you out from.

Frankly it’s easier, to just not tell you at all. And you don’t have a right to know. Their relationship with the sibling is now entirely separate to the one they have with you.

This was 2 years ago and you are posting like it actually happened last week. You seem to have very big reactions to things. I would guess they didn’t really want to deal with that either, when the weekend was about a sibling you don’t speak to.

and your sexist comment about how men are better than women, is ridiculous. Women are not obliged to indulge, agree or baby you because are also a woman.

If you've gone as far as to be NC with your sister why would you even want to know. Stop putting blame onto others - it would seem like you want to know what your sister is doing - in which case you should be in conditions her. You can't have it all ways!

@TomorrowToday Don’t read back. Posters projecting. It’s hard to post stuff like this without being outing, I think you just sound upset. I get it, you probably just thought some of the family would visit, especially after the weird COVID stuff. Let it blow over, it’ll be ok. The big events always make you feel upset and bring stuff up.

She didn’t even say that. She sounds like she thought family she hadn’t seen for two years would visit. It’s obviously not black and white in family situations is it. Why are you are fuming with op?

She is, but it's fairly standard for people like OP to play the victim and cry foul play when there's actually a very good reason they have been cut off - because it rarely happens after one mild incident

It actually doesn't matter why the no-contact happened or who started it. It's the result. The reasons are completely irrelevant.

As in so many instances in life, the person who 'doesn't want', wins.

I’m not taking it personally.

I responding to an OP who has been really evasive and difficult on this thread (and the TAAT she started).

It’s patently obvious that the OP knows fine well why her sister doesn’t like her and doesn’t want anything more to do with her. Her sister may or may not be reasonable, but the OP knows what’s happened regardless. Clearly the rest of the family know too.

Yet here is this thread where the details are unclear and the OP seems to be annoyed that her sister who is not in contact with her didn’t visit her and that no one in her family has been giving her details about the sister’s wedding.

You don’t need to know the family to read this OP’s posts and recognise that the OP needs to simply accept that her sister does not want to know her or have her on her life.

Even if the sister is completely unreasonable in this, the situation is clear. The OP needs to come to terms with the reality and move on with her life.

@TomorrowToday , I don’t think NC means what you think it means.

It means no contact, no chat about, no sharing information concerning. Other family members being placed in the awkward position of never discussing you with your sister and vice versa.

Knowing you are NC, YABU to expect the rest of your family to keep you informed or drop around while here for your sister’s wedding.

The person with the boundaries you mean?

I’m NC by my and her choice with my younger half sister. We weren’t brought up together but were close from the age I was 13 and met her and her siblings until well into my 20s and she was 22/23.

She was always very bossy and treated me badly on a couple of occasions when I should’ve just drawn a line there but everyone said she was bossy and rude.

I was in touch with my younger half sister and half brother from this same marriage but it was a bit awkward after I went NC with the first one. They didn’t want to be involved. Until I stupidly and unfairly lost it with my younger half sister over the phone (took it out on her) to do with what my older half sister had done, we were all in touch.

I wasn’t invited to their weddings and if I’d got married they wouldn’t have come to mine.

Some people on MN think there’s no difference between half and whole siblings but to me there is. Especially if you grow up and live with them. Living the formative years of your life away from them you don’t the sibling behaviours and patterns you get when you live with them, even if this is part time.

In this case, no, your sister shouldn’t and didn’t want to invite you to her wedding for good reason. She probably knew you’d create a scene.

Your siblings and family are wise to keep this from you too.

Yes.

It doesn’t actually matter why. And the OP doesn’t need to tell us what happened.

It doesn’t even matter if the sister is the most unreasonable person in the history of unreasonableness. The situation is as it is.

But it is frustrating when people pretend they don’t know because they imagine they’ll get more sympathy on MN. It rarely pans out like they imagine it will when they decide to go that route.

If you are NC with a sibling then you should not be asking other family members questions about that sibling and what is going on in his/her life. I'm sure that you wouldn't want your family and the NC sibling gossiping about you. By asking them questions you are putting them in an awkward situation, you are forcing them to either tell you that they don't want to share the siblings private business or you are forcing them to lie.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'the person with boundaries'? We have no idea of who the boundaried person is here and what does that even mean? Everybody has their 'this far and no more' point, it just depends where that is.

The same situation happens in a couple where one wants a child and other one doesn't - the person who doesn't, wins. That's the context I mean it in. The person who doesn't want - the relationship, the baby, the whatever... they call it.

If you knew it was happening but were NC, why did you need to know the date? Why would anyone think you are interested? And how do you know nothing was said to your sister?

I think the situation is very sad for you and to a lesser extent for your family. Maybe your family decided to collectively keep out of it and maybe you sister said she didn't want any of them to tell you? Sorry if you have explained this in your previous replies. Is it at all possible that you could offer an olive branch to your estranged sister? As the years go on it is harder to mend relationships.💚

I’m sorry but I feel a bit sorry for the other siblings , they must feel very stuck in the middle. Have you considered what position you are putting them in when you ask them about the NC sibling?

Why did you ask? Why would it interest you?

You are NC with that particular sister, that means her life is none of your business. You shouldn't have been asking your family about the wedding. You were putting them in a difficult position by doing that. Don't drag bystanders into your dramas.

I’ve read all your posts and you won’t tell us why you’re nc with your sibling.

Regardless, you are nc with her or him. So why in the world would you want or expect to be told about her wedding? No contact means no contact. Why do you need to know about her wedding? You’re no contact. You have no right to know about her wedding and I think it’s weird that you think you do. They others did not try to meet up with you at this time because they rightly perceived that you would try to wring info out of them or sniff out the fact they were there to see sibling.

We are no contact with some family members and I absolutely do not want to know anything about them. It would upset me if someone came to me and thought they needed to ‘inform’ me or ‘let me know’ some sort of news or info about those we went bc with. I don’t want anything to do with them, I don’t want to hear one word about them, I don’t want them knowing anything about us.

I can see it being upsetting for OP that she hadn't seen her family for 18 months and then they all came to her city for the wedding but didn't see her. But probably it wasn't practical to combine a meet up with her and attend the wedding. Say the wedding was on Saturday, you'd probably travel up Friday night after work, wedding and reception would take up all day Saturday, Sunday would probably still have wedding stuff going on like a brunch and then you'd be travelling back home.

OP your posts are perhaps hinting why your sibling might be NC with you…

No they aren't.

They stayed overnight so there was no reason why they couldn't see me the next day. The hotel was paid for and no reason why we couldn't have gone for a coffee before they set of home.

Because it's irrelevant and honesty I don't know for sure. My issue is with the rest of my family and not her.

Don't be weird and start reading posts fully