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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the majority of women would leave their DH/DP

460 replies

NoLeaveIt · 07/07/2023 23:47

…. If they could have the same standard of living and home without them.

I’m interested to see what proportion of MNetters are actually happy with their lives with their partners rather than just trapped by practicalities of life and finances.

OP posts:
NotQuiteUsual · 08/07/2023 08:31

I'd be better off on my own probably. But I'd still pick him every time. He's pretty fab tbh. Plenty of women do stay for financial stability, practicalities etc. I mean the whole marriage for love thing is a more modern concept anyway isn't it?

MrsMarzetti · 08/07/2023 08:31

I adore my dh, drives me nutty at times but he is lovely so i will keep him thanks.

anotherside · 08/07/2023 08:32

To think that the majority of women would leave their DH/DP

Probably the same proportion of men. Many men are also either trapped financially - or by the prospect of only having occasional access to their kids if they separate, despite having contributed equally to raising them for 10+ years. The patriarchy stuff doesn’t stand up to much scrutiny once you prioritise facts and objective assessment.

Greenberg2 · 08/07/2023 08:32

'people dont do that because firstly, they'd be accused of bragging or being smug and they'd be instantly pulled down and scolded and secondly, if you genuinely are content you dont tend to feel the need to go on about it to others.'

I don't think there's anything wrong with starting a thread about how happy you are. I do think though it's tone deaf to say it on a thread where someone is struggling, unless you're just saying that you deserve better. There are people that love to find threads where someone is in an abusive relationship and say how they would never put up with it and their husband is perfect. That often does come across as bragging and being smug.

MaxwellCat · 08/07/2023 08:42

Greenberg2 · 08/07/2023 08:32

'people dont do that because firstly, they'd be accused of bragging or being smug and they'd be instantly pulled down and scolded and secondly, if you genuinely are content you dont tend to feel the need to go on about it to others.'

I don't think there's anything wrong with starting a thread about how happy you are. I do think though it's tone deaf to say it on a thread where someone is struggling, unless you're just saying that you deserve better. There are people that love to find threads where someone is in an abusive relationship and say how they would never put up with it and their husband is perfect. That often does come across as bragging and being smug.

There have been threads but they usually do descend into arguments as the op is usually saying how great her DH is for things that people consider “normal” so shouldn’t need praising so it turns into a bun fight like her dh is amazing for cooking/ cleaning and “taking care of the kids” all things women are expected to do anyway with no thanks. They don’t usually go down well on here

Ourladycheesusedatum · 08/07/2023 08:43

NoLeaveIt · 08/07/2023 00:10

40% are voting YANBU but all the comments support YABU

Did you mention what way yabu and yanbu sit?

I haven't voted yet because I've no idea.

dottiedodah · 08/07/2023 08:47

I think everyone does at some time or another TBH! Whether they actually would though is different.My DH and I have had arguments ,and I have thought I would be better off alone .However when we have made up couldnt be happier! No one is happy 100 % of the time whether single or alone

WonderingWanda · 08/07/2023 08:48

I wouldn't leave, I love my dh and think he is amazing.

LivinDaylights · 08/07/2023 08:52

I'm happily married, I married him because I love him and still do, we are a team and I'd be lost without him. I can afford a bigger house as a couple of course I can but I earn marginally more, have a career and work ft despite having 3 young children. I've never wanted to be a sahp or rely on anyone else, which is how women end up trapped. Reading posts on here you can start to think you are in the minority being happily married to a decent man.

Rocknrollstar · 08/07/2023 08:56

I’ve changed my user name for this. I would leave today if I could. Been married a very long time and he has become an alcoholic and is increasingly anti-social. We almost live separate lives now but I can’t afford to leave as our house wouldn’t buy two properties - even small flats - in this area and I want to stay near friends and GC.

Curseofthenation · 08/07/2023 09:05

My DH is wonderful, kind and considerate. I would miss him terribly if he vanished overnight! We aren't even the type of couple that live in each other's pockets but he's so important to me.

I couldn't have the same life without him at the moment as I'm in the middle of raising a young family as a SAHM. So it's fortunate I like DH!

Wertie · 08/07/2023 09:05

My view is more nuanced, I’m not a high earner nor are we in each others pockets.
I could afford my own place, downsizing a lot but fine. I’m not tied, but more comfortable.
we’ve had our rocky bits over 20 years but on balance it’s better together. Ï ultimately have someone who is there in my worst bits and gets me. We don’t socialise together and do quite different things, that suits us. I have the independence I want and my friends, I have a happy home. I don’t have a holiday or hobby partner but I’m not really wanting it. DH gives me conversations no one else does, security and happiness (and obviously the physical side of love we all need).

moonlitwalks · 08/07/2023 09:07

Greenberg2 · 08/07/2023 08:32

'people dont do that because firstly, they'd be accused of bragging or being smug and they'd be instantly pulled down and scolded and secondly, if you genuinely are content you dont tend to feel the need to go on about it to others.'

I don't think there's anything wrong with starting a thread about how happy you are. I do think though it's tone deaf to say it on a thread where someone is struggling, unless you're just saying that you deserve better. There are people that love to find threads where someone is in an abusive relationship and say how they would never put up with it and their husband is perfect. That often does come across as bragging and being smug.

Oh of course, I'd never say that on a thread where someone was unhappy or in an abusive relationship because that would be horrible and completely tone deaf as you rightly say.

However, I have seen threads that people have started on occasion about how happy they are only to get loads of replies like "well, lucky you, not all of us are in the same boat", "bragging much?", "you sound insufferably smug" etc etc

I've also seen it in threads where someone has posted something like "all men are shit" and some people have come to say no, they arent- my husband isnt, so there are decent men out there, only to get the same treatment as above. So, generally I would say that people dont tend to want to hear about others being happy. Just look at how the media loves to build people up and then drag them down as soon as they get successful. Its a thing, sadly.

Mamai90 · 08/07/2023 09:08

Nope. I'm happy as I am.

SomethingFun · 08/07/2023 09:09

I’m fascinated how many women on this thread out earn their lovely, gorgeous, funny husbands when in general the stats are that men earn more than women, especially after having dc.

I don’t know many lovely, gorgeous, funny men irl and I know a lot of men, I think some of you should write a dating book or something as they’re in abundance on this thread 😁

Conkersinautumn · 08/07/2023 09:10

I'm not going through these tough years of constantly having the demands of kids to leave just when I'm stable and kids have flown! We have plans in mind!

Doggymummar · 08/07/2023 09:12

If I won the lottery I would move to a hot country and hope he came with me, I wouldn't setmout to leave him but I wouldn't let him hold me back

TantalisingCantaloupe · 08/07/2023 09:16

Nope. Everything is mine. I am the only earner and also the person who runs the home. I love him though and understand his disabilities are the reason he can't contribute financially and struggles to contribute practically. My life is infinitely richer with him as a central part - I'm in it for love, not lifestyle.

Archeron · 08/07/2023 09:17

Honestly though, this is why celebrity marriages are notoriously unstable. Because they aren’t trapped financially, they can afford to divorce if they want to. So they do.

FirstTimeNameChanger · 08/07/2023 09:24

@SomethingFun lovely men are out there, but they are often hidden from view by the utter ass holes! Having high standards, knowing your own worth, and being prepared to have difficulty conversations helps to find sift the good from the bad in my experience.

RestingMurderousFace · 08/07/2023 09:27

SomethingFun · 08/07/2023 09:09

I’m fascinated how many women on this thread out earn their lovely, gorgeous, funny husbands when in general the stats are that men earn more than women, especially after having dc.

I don’t know many lovely, gorgeous, funny men irl and I know a lot of men, I think some of you should write a dating book or something as they’re in abundance on this thread 😁

Curious isn’t it. 🤔😂

ladykale · 08/07/2023 09:31

Both have high salaries so no, hope that we grow old together because he's genuinely one of my best friends on this planet

StormShadow · 08/07/2023 09:32

No chance. It'd be way more faff to arrange the regular satisfying sex, making me laugh and lifting things that are too heavy for me on an ad hoc basis.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 08/07/2023 09:34

My husband died, so I guess he left me! I haven't missed his income, I'm fine financially. I've missed him as a person.

I do agree that of the women I know in mid-age who have horrible husbands they would probably like to leave, both of them are staying as together they are a financially better team, plus having two parents on site, so to speak, makes parenting easier. Plus the children are teens or adults and so they are embedded as a family together and would still have to have huge amounts of contact. For them, working after 20 years as a SAHP or being a single parent doing all the taxi servicing isn't appealing and I totally get that, being a lone parent.

chohiad · 08/07/2023 09:36

Hmm whilst I think finances are a big part of it and agree the divorce rate would be higher if money wasn't an issue, I still think a lot of people want to be in a couple and want the companionship that brings, many people are scared to be on their own.