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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the majority of women would leave their DH/DP

460 replies

NoLeaveIt · 07/07/2023 23:47

…. If they could have the same standard of living and home without them.

I’m interested to see what proportion of MNetters are actually happy with their lives with their partners rather than just trapped by practicalities of life and finances.

OP posts:
Cheeseplantt · 08/07/2023 07:17

No, never. I love my DH & enjoy living with him. I'm away for a few days soon & will struggle being apart. He's my best friend too.

JudgeRudy · 08/07/2023 07:17

I think there are many women in this position as voting shows but I think the majority would prefer to stay as they are.
I wonder how men would vote if you told them they could live separately in a 'similar worth' home and have regular access to their children. Again I think they'd be plenty taking up the offer but the majority would prefer to stay.
What I'm unsure of though is who (men or women) would be most up for it.
BTW it's heartening to hear there are some solid relationships sbout.

Hummusanddipdip · 08/07/2023 07:19

I'd be a lot less happy without dh. He's my best friend and my partner in the true sense of the word. We go through rough patches, but we work through them together.

Sighsighsigh1 · 08/07/2023 07:20

I would. I'd leave H in a heartbeat if I felt I could. It's not shit 24/7 but the shit parts are big fundamental differences in the way we are and we just aren't compatible.

I don't know what to do and right now I'm here purely because of the DC and finances. I feel pretty mean about it too as I'm basically just playing pretend with him, repeating love you too whenever he says it etc.. i don't mean it and haven't for a long time. I fantasise daily about being single.

HeidiUpTheMountain · 08/07/2023 07:20

We’ve been together 25 years odd and I wouldn’t be without him. I outearn him and always have done; we have no children and I could afford a house big enough for me and a comfortable life without him, but what he brings to my life is way more important than money. We get each other and laugh every day. He cares more about me than anyone. We have supported each other through serious mental and physical illness, career problems and periods of grief and uncertainty, it has made us stronger and we are a solid team. A good partnership that can survive and give you the support and uplifting you need in the hardest times is more valuable than money.

Sunnysunbun · 08/07/2023 07:24

No I love him very much.

Lwrenagain · 08/07/2023 07:28

I agree with you, even though personally I'm very happy with DP.

But it seems on here at least many women are in awful positions and will stay in abusive, not just miserable or loveless, but abusive relationships with OH's for the reasons you state.

It breaks my wee heart reading what some of the women put up with.

DisforDarkChocolate · 08/07/2023 07:28

Definitely not. My husband is my favourite person. He makes me laugh, takes care of me, removes spiders, is great in bed and is a wonderful father. He's fair with money and does more housework than me too. He's certainly not perfect but he's a very good fit for me.

lugeanjaam · 08/07/2023 07:32

I couldn't imagine my life without DH, he makes my life infinitely better and I adore him. 16 years together next month.

We are a team at raising our family, running our business, life admin and supporting each other.

I have been in a dysfunctional marriage in a past life though so I hugely appreciate and am grateful for my relationship and the life we built together.

PurpleBugz · 08/07/2023 07:33

Yeah I left the massive house and now have a small property. I am so much happier. It's less housework for one 😂

Whenconfusionsetsin · 08/07/2023 07:33

I’d leave in a heartbeat if I could

EsmeSusanOgg · 08/07/2023 07:34

My husband is my best friend. I love him desperately and he loves me. I could have a similar standard of living as a single woman. But I don't want it, it would be less fun without him.

Elephantinasandstorm · 08/07/2023 07:37

Understandably on the thread people are generally more keen to say they are happy than the inverse - and this is even more true in real life!

We are on Mumsnet, I actually expected more people to say they would leave. You don't usually hear about the good relationships here, but the opposite.

CoalCraft · 08/07/2023 07:41

DH is an integral part of my quality of life. Even if nothing changed about my financial situation, I'd still be less happy because his company contributes to my happiness.

The utter devastation shown by both my grandmothers upon the deaths of their husbands of 60 years despite them being absolutely fine financially tells me that they really loved their husbands too.

BigFatLiar · 08/07/2023 07:42

I'd marry him again in an instant. He's been the real rock in our relationship doing most of the childcare and supporting me through retraining and my career. Its never really been swinging from the chandeliers sex or rib tickling laughter but we have similar tastes and are happy in each others company, I'd rather spend time with him than anyone else, maybe the grandchildren provided they go home eventually.

I wonder how men would vote if you told them they could live separately in a 'similar worth' home and have regular access to their children. Again I think they'd be plenty taking up the offer but the majority would prefer to stay.

I'm sure there are plenty. Many here complain that they feel they can't do what they want yet there are complaints of selfishness when partners do what they want. If your together especially with children you really can't do what you want you need to take your children and partner into consideration. I think the access to children is also a thing and controlling mums does seem to be a thing, just think of all the posts about ex's playing games with the children that appear here.

jeaux90 · 08/07/2023 07:45

Well I think your point is an interesting one.

I am financially independent and a lone parent, it enabled me to leave an abusive relationship.

I'm in a relationship now but we don't live together. We have plans to live together but I definitely won't be getting married again.

SatelliteStomper · 08/07/2023 07:45

BonnieBobbin · 08/07/2023 00:25

I loved the home and standard of living I had before I married DH. I've always been financially independent. I chose to marry him because I liked him. He's smart, funny, interesting, caring and sexy af.
Now, if you asked him if he'd leave me, he'd admit his finances and standard of living have improved immeasurably because of me. So yeah maybe he's only with me because he doesn't want to go back to his old way of life ... Grin

Haha, this! I've always been the higher earner, more financially secure, etc. I'm with DH because I love him to bits, and I'd still be with him if we lost every aspect of the 'lifestyle' we currently have.

HeadNorth · 08/07/2023 07:45

Absolutely not! We have been together over 30 years. I am far more emotionally dependent on my DH than financially dependent. I’m the higher earner, but he is my rock. I suppose that is another sort of dependency, but we still really enjoy spending time together. We are a team and each other’s biggest supporters.

Capitulatingpanda · 08/07/2023 07:46

No, I wouldn't. I'm not as financially secure as others on this thread but have decent earning potential if I went full time again.
We have only been together 10 years though so are very much still in the honeymoon/ can't keep hands off each other phase. I guess when that wears off marriage will become more difficult and more practicality based. I'm in peri now and do worry that menopause will change my marriage for the worse. Maybe that's the point at which marriage burns out, eventually you're not jumping each other in the kitchen anymore and then it's just friendship. I do fear that loss of spark because until you get to that point I guess you don't know for sure whether what is left without it is enough and I guess that is the point at which a lot of marriage ends.

Yea2023 · 08/07/2023 07:49

I would struggle financially (but not be completely broke), but more than that I’d have to do all the house/childcare/thinking AND who would listen to my witterings, converse with me, keep me company and cuddle me at night😱
(I’m sure I could outsource sex…)

My DC would suffer greatly as I’d have to do it all and I guess would have less patience for it.

In short, my DH is my mate before he is my DH and has been for 20 years. It’s not been all shits and giggles, life isn’t, but we’ve got through by supporting each other.

Gerrataere · 08/07/2023 07:50

Ah, a few years ago I’d have 100% been in the ‘can’t live without each other camp’. Poor but happy together, enjoying the simpler things and I do believe we were happy. Strange what time can do. I worked so hard to leave in the end, took a year to build up the funds and simply the confidence to say ‘I don’t know what we’re deluding ourselves with, but this isn’t it. This probably wasn’t ever it’.

I think being too secure in each other was part of the problem, we always thought we instinctively knew where the other was coming from, we were walking the same path in life. Turns out we were simply walking along two close paths that soon veered in much different directions. If that makes any sense at all.

I don’t think I’ll ever be in a serious relationship again. I’ve never been happier than I am right now, even though day to day living is much harder work. The thought of being tied to another man, financially and certainly emotionally, makes me feel queasy.

bluevelvetbox · 08/07/2023 07:50

I'm recently single and the amount of married men I get contacting me is unreal. Every single wife, however, claims they have fantastic relationships and all of their Facebook/Instagram paint happy families.

I don't entertain any of it by the way. It's just so dull but I do feel sorry for the wives.

Surprisedbysummer · 08/07/2023 07:50

I love my husband of many many years to bits. Everything I do is better if he is with me. I still want to tell him all my worries. Even watching tv is better if he is on the sofa too.

IsisoftheWalbrook · 08/07/2023 07:55

I like my partner. I like being with him. I’m also happy being away from him and doing stuff on my own, or with friends. I wouldn’t choose to be without him, and I think I’m a nicer person for having him around.

Ambi · 08/07/2023 07:56

Not for me. We've just had our 18yr wedding anniversary and he's the rock for our DDs and me. We have a very equal relationship, earn about the same, share out the chores, he's an excellent father and my best friend since I was 18, he gets me like no one else and the sex just keeps getting better.