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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the majority of women would leave their DH/DP

460 replies

NoLeaveIt · 07/07/2023 23:47

…. If they could have the same standard of living and home without them.

I’m interested to see what proportion of MNetters are actually happy with their lives with their partners rather than just trapped by practicalities of life and finances.

OP posts:
gwenneh · 08/07/2023 11:20

Yea2023 · 08/07/2023 10:48

I’ve never understood this, like when ppl say ‘he’s out for the night/weekend I can eat, watch do what I want’?

what?

what do you normally do?

Show quote history

Compromise?

Ofcourseshecan · 08/07/2023 11:39

RestingMurderousFace · 08/07/2023 00:31

So many high earning, financially independent woman, blissfully married to their best friend. Who knew. 😆

Is it really surprising? People ask for advice and help on Mumsnet when they have problems. Not just to say Whoopeee I’m happier than you!

I’m not high-earning but have always made enough to live quite comfortably, by which I mean not panicking when regular bills come in. DH earns a bit more but we share it all now.

DH and I enhance each other’s lives immeasurably and after 20+ years we still fancy each other too. We’re not rich but are very happy together.

WelshMumof1 · 08/07/2023 11:45

I'd give up everything material to just stay with my husband. Married 15 years and he's the love of my life and my best friend. We don't always agree and it's not always plain sailing, not claiming it's perfect, but I would fight tooth and nail to keep it.

It breaks my heart to think that there's a lot of women out there who feel stuck with someone they don't even want to be with. It's awful that a full time wage is no longer enough to live alone, especially with potential childcare costs added, so people feel financially trapped.

Evaka · 08/07/2023 11:46

DP and I are very happy together but don't have kids so never had that additional pressure added to the relationship. We're very well matched financially and both could have a good solo lifestyle if we wanted. However, many of my girlfriends have told me that they'd leave hubbies if they could. And a large number of friends and family have been ditched by their husbands when kids were small so I think we're the exception in our circles.

Glitterblue · 08/07/2023 11:48

Absolutely not, I love DH, love spending time with him, he’s my best friend. My life without him would be very empty.

dizzydizzydizzy · 08/07/2023 11:50

I'm trying to leave my DP due to domestic abuse. I have registration myself as homeless with the council (you automatically count as homeless if you are a domestic abuse victim). The council has told me to look for private rented accommodation at or below the amount of benefits I would receive to pay the rent. Great! But there is literally nothing on the market at that amount. I am viewing properties around £150/month more than the benefit.

I do work but earn very little due to a serious long term health condition. I have little prospect of earning more due to my health.

Feeling trapped!

mainbrochus · 08/07/2023 11:55

I think it is catch-22. I DO earn the famous Mumsnet salary of over 100k and have 2 dcs BUT this is only because DH enabled me to do that by doing half of everything and taking a step back in his career when the kids were small. So now we both earn that and we both choose to be together.

everyday is a choice to be together, we both know that the other one would leave if we stopped putting 100% into the relationship.

He does a fuck tonne of family stuff, I cba to list it all, but I also put a lot of work in to keep him happy.

‘you get out what you put in’ and this really applies to marriages !

Blossomtoes · 08/07/2023 12:08

this is only because DH enabled me to do that by doing half of everything and taking a step back in his career when the kids were small.

I think that’s as much of a myth as a SAHP facilitating a high earners’s career. My bloke was away Monday to Friday and did nothing so we had a cleaner. My highflying stepson has an equally highflying wife and he’s frequently away for weeks at a time. Her career is being enabled by her mum, her MiL and a twice weekly cleaner.

askmeonemoretime · 08/07/2023 12:24

No way.

PickledPurplePickle · 08/07/2023 12:29

I could leave and be in the same position as I am in now financially

but I don’t want to as he makes my life fun, enjoyable and I love him

KinderCat · 08/07/2023 12:39

I can't imagine leaving mine no. Hasn't always been smooth sailing but he is my rock when all is said and done and my life is better for his presence in all ways which I also say as the main earner.
Aware this is a bit soppy sounding though 😅

FFSCarrieBradshaw · 08/07/2023 12:44

denpark · 08/07/2023 02:16

I can't tag the CarrieBradshaw poster but, no, it's actually not one friendship group. It's people that I've met over the years via school/university/work/random baby groups/my own family etc etc. pretty much every couple has split.

Not sure why but I reckon people are realising that the do not have to stick it out and that women manage perfectly well on their own. I think it's a bit of a culture shift.

The only thing that all of the women that I know have in common is that they've all got degrees and post-grads/doctorates. Not sure if that makes a difference but that's the only common factor! Not all have children.

Ok @denpark, gosh, not sure how to unpack that comment but...

Guess what? Women my age also know quite well that we do not need a man, I'm the daughter of a second-wave feminist, I was a Greenham Common with my mother, I don't need lessons from a 30-odd year old thank you.

And if every woman you know has a degree, you need to widen your social circle, frankly.

If there is a culture-shift, it's that men have got shitter, not that women have got wiser. And I think that at your age you have hit a perfect shit-storm of men, xenniel men are the absolute worst I think.

FFSCarrieBradshaw · 08/07/2023 12:45

PS @denpark, it's quite easy to tag...

Cosycover · 08/07/2023 12:47

Nah I wouldn't.
But I do know many who absolutely would. Which is a shame.

User135644 · 08/07/2023 13:25

You wonder why all these women get married in tge first place. Or is it just a business transaction?

LadyOutside · 08/07/2023 13:29

Up to around age 35 I adored my DH and couldn’t imagine life without him.

Now at 45 I fantasise about seeing his dead body and look forward to living alone one day.

Most women I know in their 40s say they would prefer to be without their husband now. I think there’s a lot of reasons for this.

For me, my DH literally changed personality when he got anxiety/depression. He is now angry, argumentative and doesn’t appreciate anything I’ve done for him. I don’t know if the anxiety/depression made his true self come out or if it changed his brain some way (it was very severe catatonic depression).

He’s recovered now but our relationship hasn’t. I’m still here because I don’t want to disrupt the DC in their exam years and he refuses to leave the house.

Friends the same age have all got their own stories of why they are just tolerating their husbands now. We all agree it changed around 15 years after marriage.

Original poster
NoLeaveIt · 08/07/2023 13:30

User135644 · 08/07/2023 13:25

You wonder why all these women get married in tge first place. Or is it just a business transaction?

Probably the vast majority got married for love (as do men). That doesn’t mean they are obligated to stay in a shitty marriage for life if it doesn’t turn out well

OP posts:
Milk2SugarsAndAShotOfYourFinestValium · 08/07/2023 13:42

User135644 · 08/07/2023 13:25

You wonder why all these women get married in tge first place. Or is it just a business transaction?

I think as @LadyOutside and @Hopelessromatic have demonstrated with their posts - things and people change. It's why - despite being happily married myself - I could absolutely be convinced many women would leave if it were easy. Marriages aren't guaranteed to last even if they start with mad passionate love. I don't think that's even a particularly cynical way to think.

Springbecamethesummer · 08/07/2023 13:49

It's good to see so many happy with their partners, it's interesting to see how many couples split after a big lottery win.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 08/07/2023 13:54

If I left tomorrow I'd be in the same position I am today - we don't have a pot to piss in. Half of nothing would still be nothing.

But, I wouldn't leave DH for all the money in the world. He lives and breathes for me and our DC and I feel both lucky and proud to say he's mine and I'm his.

FFSCarrieBradshaw · 08/07/2023 14:10

I don't think people do change, not that much. I do possibly think that women overlook that they've married an absolute arse when children are small, because unless they're actively abusive, and they're just low-grade shitty blokes, I guess it's easier to keep on keeping on. Then when the children are independent peoples, the scales may fall from the eyes and you realise you've pegged yourself to an utter tosser. I get it.

I had a very brief first marriage (5 years), we lived outside the UK, when I got to 29 I realised I actively wanted children, I also realised 'not with this wanker though' and that was the push I needed to leave. I could have stayed and had children with him, it would have been the 'safe' option, I understand why and how women do it. So you'll get no judgement from me.

BUT I'd now be a woman that hates her husband and is just staying because I stayed, and now it's too difficult to go.

IknowYouButIdontLikeYou · 08/07/2023 14:12

Been married for 43 years (AC). Financially struggling at the moment, but the mortgage was paid off years ago. I can't imagine life without my husband, he's looked after me for the past 2 years.

morejumpingfrogs · 08/07/2023 14:22

badluckorbadvibes · 07/07/2023 23:51

I could have the same standard of living without him. I quite like him though.

Came in here to say this!

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/07/2023 14:34

I earn three times what my OH does so this wouldn't apply. I would never stay with someone purely for financial reasons and in fact this situation scares me so much that I avoid men who earn more than me and would never marry.

Being financially entangled with someone is my worst fear tbh.

Starseeking · 08/07/2023 14:35

If you'd have asked me this question 2.5 years ago, I would have said yes, because I was in the process of leaving my then DP.

Even though we weren't married, it still took me about a year to leave once I'd made the decision, due to how much our lives were intertwined after 6 years together (at that tie).

We had two DC, plus he had a NR DC, a mortgaged house, shared car with loan attached, a joint account and joint bills. I was financially independent, and earned a large salary more than double my EXDP's so I could have left at any time, but it took careful planning to do so.

The whole process of unravelling our lives together was so exhausting that personally I think things have to have got really awful in the relationship before a number of women will leave, especially if they have DC. With me I knew it was the end of the relationship it was when my ex started being emotionally abusive towards me in front of my then 3 and 4 year old DC.

If life is just about bearable in a relationship which isn't really working, I suspect a lot of women just put up with it, in the same way a lot of men stay in ok relationships until they've found someone they feel is better for them to pair up with.