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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the majority of women would leave their DH/DP

460 replies

NoLeaveIt · 07/07/2023 23:47

…. If they could have the same standard of living and home without them.

I’m interested to see what proportion of MNetters are actually happy with their lives with their partners rather than just trapped by practicalities of life and finances.

OP posts:
HeidiUpTheMountain · 08/07/2023 10:21

NoLeaveIt · 08/07/2023 10:11

I think I wasn’t very clear in my OP. It is also about the practicalities of life as well as the finances. It would take a lot of time and energy to separate two lives by selling the house, find somewhere else to live etc. I’m too tired to contemplate that at the moment.

My answer still stands - I value my own health and happiness too much to stay in an unhappy relationship for those reasons. Yes, there would be short term upheaval, but if I knew I didn’t want to be in the relationship any longer, I would be off, regardless of how difficult it was. Life is too short to put up with living in a way you don’t enjoy.

Moonsun88 · 08/07/2023 10:22

OnlyFannys · 07/07/2023 23:52

No not at all! I've only been with my partner for 2 years but I am infinitely happier with him in my life. Tbf he doesn't drive or even work atm as he is retraining so I'm definitely not with him for practicalities and finances 😂

Honey moon period 🤣that's such a short span though. However hope it lasts forever happily for you.

Sugaristheenemy · 08/07/2023 10:23

Well can’t really comment as not married but that’s a bloody depressing POV..

CantFindTheBeat · 08/07/2023 10:23

@SomethingFun

Do you really not know many handsome, funny men in real life?

Handsome and funny are both subjective. Surely you know me who make you laugh and are attractive???

SockGoddess · 08/07/2023 10:25

Re women earning more, there are plenty of men who can’t handle that and have affairs or become passive-aggressive, and there are cocklodgers who take advantage of it and the relationship ends because of that. So it makes sense that lasting relationships where the woman earns more involve secure, self-aware, genuinely nice men.

I wanted to leave for years before I did, but it wasn’t so much losing the house and standard of living that put me off, it was worrying about leaving young DC with him because he was so incompetent and selfish. (He didn’t think he was, he thought he was mr nice guy which made it harder as he would never have ended it and been the “bad guy”.) I waited several years until the youngest was old enough to phone me if needed and they could get their own drinks etc. I think that and worse (worrying about his MH, possible abuse/neglect, running off with the kids to punish you etc) is a big factor and is why some women wait until the kids are grown up.

bumblebee2235 · 08/07/2023 10:27

I wouldn't at all :( we bicker a lot and are so opposite we wind each other up. But he is sort of like my inner monologue 😂 there is a lot of love and mutual respect between us. With our differences we tag team life.

Sometimesgood · 08/07/2023 10:27

I wouldn't have because the DC would not be safe with their Dad and I needed to stick around.

romany4 · 08/07/2023 10:31

Absolutely not.
My DH is disabled and unwell. I'm his carer as well as working part time.

We're skint and life is stressful.
But I've been married to him for 33 years. I adored him when I married him and I still do. He's everything I ever wanted in a husband.
I'd never leave him.

OnlyFannys · 08/07/2023 10:32

Moonsun88 · 08/07/2023 10:22

Honey moon period 🤣that's such a short span though. However hope it lasts forever happily for you.

Show quote history

Hahha yes honeymoon period until he is snoring and I want to smother him with a pillow 😂 I think meeting my current partner later in life is quite good for us both, we have had our fair share of relationships that haven't worked out for various reasons and both at a point where we know ourselves, have our boundaries and have made enough mistakes to know better. Ask me again in 20 years though

GeriatricMumma · 08/07/2023 10:33

SockGoddess · 08/07/2023 10:25

Re women earning more, there are plenty of men who can’t handle that and have affairs or become passive-aggressive, and there are cocklodgers who take advantage of it and the relationship ends because of that. So it makes sense that lasting relationships where the woman earns more involve secure, self-aware, genuinely nice men.

I wanted to leave for years before I did, but it wasn’t so much losing the house and standard of living that put me off, it was worrying about leaving young DC with him because he was so incompetent and selfish. (He didn’t think he was, he thought he was mr nice guy which made it harder as he would never have ended it and been the “bad guy”.) I waited several years until the youngest was old enough to phone me if needed and they could get their own drinks etc. I think that and worse (worrying about his MH, possible abuse/neglect, running off with the kids to punish you etc) is a big factor and is why some women wait until the kids are grown up.

I like this comment.

I agree - my husband is a very kind, self loving and self aware person.

He praises me to others (without telling me he's done it) and he always tries to encourage me to push forward.

I earn a lot more, but he has a far more rewarding job (teacher).

This is a far cry from my ex, who would stand in the way of my plans, belittle me and tell me I only got where I am by luck.

A self assured, decent man would always support you.

BigFatLiar · 08/07/2023 10:36

A thread last week referred to safe supporting men as ‘dull’.

Probably an accurate statement about many women's views.

If I were single, I'd be moving to a small 2 bed house in the North West with a decent garden. I'd go hiking a lot, spend my weekends visiting friends and gardening a lot

Pretty much describes us as a couple its what we both like to do and always have. Allotment, hiking, travelling around together and sometimes with friends.

StormShadow · 08/07/2023 10:39

Probably an accurate statement about many women's views.

I dunno about many, but certainly I have come across some who think like that. It's a thing.

Purplepeaches123 · 08/07/2023 10:42

Holibobby · 07/07/2023 23:52

I’m single and a lot of my friends seem quite envious that I get to do what I want when I want. Most people moaning about their OHs stay for financial reasons.

Eh? I’ve been married almost 30 years. I pretty much do what I want when I want now the kids are older!

ChilliPixie · 08/07/2023 10:46

Nope! Been together 22 years, we've been through a lot including being flat broke and things are now looking up. Had our first child 8 years into the relationship, so not together for the kids. I'm the higher earner so could totally afford my life and that of our kids.
Love that man of mine, couldn't be without him. He is my everything, supportive, wicked sense of humour, team player, intelligent and sexy to boot. My life would be infinitely worse without him in it, and nothing to do with money.

As PP have said no one posts when things are going well with their OH, only when it's hard, so you're going to get a huge swathe of negative posts.

Yea2023 · 08/07/2023 10:48

Purplepeaches123 · 08/07/2023 10:42

Eh? I’ve been married almost 30 years. I pretty much do what I want when I want now the kids are older!

Show quote history

I’ve never understood this, like when ppl say ‘he’s out for the night/weekend I can eat, watch do what I want’?

what?

what do you normally do?

whumpthereitis · 08/07/2023 10:49

I can have the same quality of life with or without my husband. I’m with him because I love him and want to be with him, not because I feel I have to be with him.

Worldgonecrazy · 08/07/2023 10:50

I think the average age for divorce is around 47 so I do think a lot of women still wait for kids to leave home before initiating divorce. It might be a combination of kids, earning enough to be independent, and realising that another thirty years with a dickhead and no kids to distract them, women get out. I do see a number of women in their late 40s and 50s who are happily single and have gone to understand that no man is better than any man.

It’s a sad truth that good decent men are rare. We don’t always know what goes on behind closed doors. I know quite a few men who people would swear are decent, handsome and funny.

Thankfully I was in a position to get out of the bad long term relationships I ended up in, but I know many women aren’t so lucky.

Aprilx · 08/07/2023 10:51

Together twenty years and I have earned more than him for most of that, although not anymore. He is an amazing husband and I do not know what I would do without him.

MyTruthIsOut · 08/07/2023 10:55

I cannot relate to this at all.

I’ve been with my DH for 13 years (married for 10) and I cannot imagine a life without him. He’s my stability, my rock, my constant etc and it’s sounds so cheesy, but it feels like he’s an extension of me and that the two of us come together to make one.

Me and the children are always his priority and he does so much for us all purely because he just wants to see us happy.

I would never want to be without him.

BigFatLiar · 08/07/2023 10:56

I think the average age for divorce is around 47 so I do think a lot of women still wait for kids to leave home before initiating divorce. It might be a combination of kids, earning enough to be independent,

Which is a shitty thing to do. There's another thread wuth someone complaining that her husband has waited till the kids left home before he headed of to his other woman. It's a crap way to behave. If your not happy together either work on improving the relationship (takes two) or move on and allow your partner have the chance of making a new life earlier.

Elephantinasandstorm · 08/07/2023 11:01

Yea2023 · 08/07/2023 10:48

I’ve never understood this, like when ppl say ‘he’s out for the night/weekend I can eat, watch do what I want’?

what?

what do you normally do?

Show quote history

Tbf to this I like low budget thrillers/horrors (as in THE low budget ones, the worse acting and cgi, the better) and dh doesn't. So when he is out I put these on. He watches stuff I don't particularly like when I am out.

Nesbi · 08/07/2023 11:07

I’m just thinking of the couples we are friends with, of the first 16 couples that sprang to mind, there have been 2 divorces (not all are married but those who aren’t are in long term relationships and have kids together).

We range from mid-40’s to early 50’s. Everyone seems pretty stable so will be interested to see how that develops, but it seems to be a pretty good record so far.

Worldgonecrazy · 08/07/2023 11:11

BigFatLiar · 08/07/2023 10:56

I think the average age for divorce is around 47 so I do think a lot of women still wait for kids to leave home before initiating divorce. It might be a combination of kids, earning enough to be independent,

Which is a shitty thing to do. There's another thread wuth someone complaining that her husband has waited till the kids left home before he headed of to his other woman. It's a crap way to behave. If your not happy together either work on improving the relationship (takes two) or move on and allow your partner have the chance of making a new life earlier.

It depends on circumstances. In this thread there is a woman who didn’t leave until her kids were old enough to call her if needed. Some women genuinely think it is better not to upset the kids during their education. Women generally seem to stay because of unselfish reasons. I am not going to judge them as I’ve not been in their shoes. You only need to read the Relationships board to see the misery some women go through because they think they are doing the right thing for their children.

Splitting when the children are younger can be hard too as they don’t have the life experience to understand that because daddy makes them happy it doesn’t mean he is making mummy happy.

I also think that the wisdom that is learned through ageing makes many women wake up in their 40s and realise they have been holding the shitty end of the stick for years.

Ehu33r · 08/07/2023 11:18

Exaclty as PP said above. Am not staying because am materialistic but because I can afford to buy on my own in London but both my job and elderly parents are here so I can't really move away. Yes, I could rent but realistically that would mean renting for ever even onto my old age. So in practice I will wait till kids leave home and parents no longer around and then I can just buy something in a different part of the country and start again. But I don't want to raise my kids in a tiny one bed rental flat - because two bed flats are like 2k in London. Life in the south east does assume that a family has two earners unless you are a high earner. It's the practicalities for my kids that are hard not my love of any sort of lifestyle.

OceanicBoundlessness · 08/07/2023 11:19

Been married 21 years. He's a good'un. We have had to work at some things but on the whole I'd rather be with them without him.
We have a good combination of togetherness and also time apart that works.