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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much is reasonable for an abroad hen?

252 replies

Mabmabdwarf · 07/07/2023 21:13

As the title says… How much is reasonable to pay for an abroad hen do?

What amount would you expect to pay for to go abroad on a hen do? Not including spending money?

This isn’t asking if people agree with hen dos abroad but just how much would you expect one to cost you.

In Europe over a weekend.

OP posts:
friendlycat · 08/07/2023 23:02

Pay your relevant cost.

Original poster
Mabmabdwarf · 08/07/2023 23:04

friendlycat · 08/07/2023 23:01

But whilst it may have been the thing to do in the past to cover bride to be cost of flight and accommodation, nowadays it just seems so inappropriate.

At the end of the day it’s the bride’s choice of a hen do abroad and close friends are sometimes put on the spot and feel they have to roll with it. For some it won’t be an issue, for others there’s more financial planning.

At the very least I do think that if the bride wants an abroad hen do then they should pay their portion of the relative costs irrespective if historically that wasn’t the modus operandi.

In today’s climate it just seems grabby. It smacks of I want my friends to shell out xxx for this break but actually I don’t want to pay the equivalent for said break. You have a choice here. You could easily state you wish to prefer your relevant cost.

I wasn’t actually asking if it’s ok for people to pay the brides cost…. Everyone is happy with the status quo. It’s just MN that has a problem with it.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 08/07/2023 23:13

Maybe other people don’t want to tell you that they are not happy paying your costs. I assume they now have to pay more as a couple of people have dropped out.

friendlycat · 08/07/2023 23:17

Mabmabdwarf · 08/07/2023 23:04

I wasn’t actually asking if it’s ok for people to pay the brides cost…. Everyone is happy with the status quo. It’s just MN that has a problem with it.

Show quote history

The thing is they aren’t going to tell you though are they? I just think it’s polite to pay your own way, being the bride, if you want an abroad hen do. Completely different if nice meal locally.

transformandriseup · 08/07/2023 23:28

Honestly just being factual I wouldn't pay for a bride's flights or accommodation at all, not even a best friend as it would be their choice to go abroad, i would be happy to contribute to a meal out and drinks. OP obviously moves in different circles which is fine but probably not the best question when it just asks "how much is reasonable".

EasterBreak · 08/07/2023 23:51

Sounds very grabby and quite embarassing.

Original poster
Mabmabdwarf · 09/07/2023 06:32

toomuchlaundry · 08/07/2023 23:13

Maybe other people don’t want to tell you that they are not happy paying your costs. I assume they now have to pay more as a couple of people have dropped out.

No they don’t. They said no before they flights were booked and rooms so we got less hotel rooms.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mabmabdwarf · 09/07/2023 06:33

friendlycat · 08/07/2023 23:17

The thing is they aren’t going to tell you though are they? I just think it’s polite to pay your own way, being the bride, if you want an abroad hen do. Completely different if nice meal locally.

Show quote history

Wish I knew that… 6 hen dos ago

OP posts:
Original poster
Mabmabdwarf · 09/07/2023 06:36

transformandriseup · 08/07/2023 23:28

Honestly just being factual I wouldn't pay for a bride's flights or accommodation at all, not even a best friend as it would be their choice to go abroad, i would be happy to contribute to a meal out and drinks. OP obviously moves in different circles which is fine but probably not the best question when it just asks "how much is reasonable".

I never asked for peoples thoughts on ‘Is it ok to chip in for the bride’.

The thought of not chipping in for my best friend seems ridiculously tight to me and I’d be the first one to pay her share and go out of my way to make her hen do special but like you say we must run in different circles.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 09/07/2023 06:37

I'm getting strong Bridezilla vibes

Original poster
Mabmabdwarf · 09/07/2023 06:38

GoodChat · 09/07/2023 06:37

I'm getting strong Bridezilla vibes

Not really… I didn’t arrange my hen.

Others are arranging it for me. I just had the two complain who couldn’t afford flights.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 09/07/2023 06:43

Mabmabdwarf · 08/07/2023 20:07

That’s a bargain.

Show quote history

It's easily achievable if you book outside the main season and are flexible with dates and location.

We're currently looking to book a few days away in September and there's loads of places in Europe we can go with flights for that price.

Things get a lot more expensive when you say 'I want to got X place on Y date'. Then, unless you book well in advance, prices can go up substantially.

On the matter of all the other hens paying for the bride, it could well be a that at least some of them privately feel a bit miffed, but also don't want to say anything as they think it will make them look mean.

It's like many other social occasions where people get railroaded into spending more than they're comfortable with or even able to afford, eg splitting the bill in restaurants.

transformandriseup · 09/07/2023 06:45

Yes definitely different circles and that's ok. I wasn't trying to be rude just saying you do you but you did ask on a public forum.

Just for comparison the reality of my circle is everyone is on a fairly low income and most of my friends have chosen not to get married at all due to cost and most have not been abroad in years. Some got married and had hen dos and we shared the cost of a meal out and they did the same for me when it was my turn but if one was to decide to go abroad and then expect us to pay for them as well I would have to say no. So not ridiculously tight just realistic for my circle of friends.

It's sounds like you are all booked anyway so I hope all goes well.

GoblinAeroplane · 09/07/2023 07:03

Mabmabdwarf · 09/07/2023 06:38

Not really… I didn’t arrange my hen.

Others are arranging it for me. I just had the two complain who couldn’t afford flights.

Show quote history

I'd be so embarrassed if my friends were complaining my celebration was costing them too much money. You say they can just choose to not go, but if you want them there, why not do something they can be included in without being resentful towards you? Why would you want to knowingly put your friends in that position?

And these are just the 2 that have have openly complained, there's bound to be others keeping quiet but thinking the same thing - it's unlikely to be 2 unhappy and 12 super happy.

So now your hen-do is 14 friends, some of whom will be resentful about being there, and they'll probably spend the whole build up moaning about it, and the whole time there rolling their eyes at how much they're having to spend.

So now you've got an expansive hen-do and it's going to be awkward as hell. You should have taken their feelings on board.

Fairyliz · 09/07/2023 07:04

Wow what’s wrong with a night down the pub with your mates wearing a silly hat?
I know I’m old but no wonder young people can’t afford houses; yet another unnecessary thing they are spending money on. If you have several friends getting married you could spend thousands.

Nordicrain · 09/07/2023 07:07

😂
excellent bridezilla thread!

how much are hen dos abroad?
no they aren’t, I’ve been in 6!
my mates are “moaning” about paying 🙄
oh yeah I’m paying nothing, and absolutely will be arsey to anyone pointing out that it seems a bit rich to be slagging off my mates for not being able to afford my hen do while I make them pay for me.

Themselves · 09/07/2023 07:17

Fairyliz · 09/07/2023 07:04

Wow what’s wrong with a night down the pub with your mates wearing a silly hat?
I know I’m old but no wonder young people can’t afford houses; yet another unnecessary thing they are spending money on. If you have several friends getting married you could spend thousands.

This!

Engagement party
Hen do abroad
Wedding
Baby shower
Christening/naming ceremony
x 14 friends = Big Debt for many.

I'm very happy to attend a wedding and wish the happy couple well.

But as for a hen do abroad - I'd rather put the money into my pension tbh 😆

A night out locally that everyone can afford to attend is perfect IMO.

noglow · 09/07/2023 07:51

Mabmabdwarf · 08/07/2023 15:58

The reason I asked was because when asking friends that will be attending they said £250 was what they would like to spend but realistically flights alone are working out £190 including bags.

14 people have now agreed to come with the flights being £190. The couple who have said they wanted it to be £250 for both flights & acc are complaining how unreasonable it is that they can’t come due to costs.

No one’s been forced to come and no one’s moaned when some people have said no.

So you asked and they said £250 and you said stuff you I don't care if you don't come I'm going to arrange something out your budget.

Some friend.

WunWun · 09/07/2023 07:56

Mabmabdwarf · 09/07/2023 06:36

I never asked for peoples thoughts on ‘Is it ok to chip in for the bride’.

The thought of not chipping in for my best friend seems ridiculously tight to me and I’d be the first one to pay her share and go out of my way to make her hen do special but like you say we must run in different circles.

Show quote history

Yeah, you're asking them to pay hundreds of pounds for your hen do and they'd be ridiculously tight not to pay for you too 😂

The idea of asking people to people to not only go on an expensive holiday but to also pay for me to go is so far removed from normality for me. And that's something I'm really glad about! It's so self centered and grabby.

Isthisexpected · 09/07/2023 07:58

Themselves · 09/07/2023 07:17

This!

Engagement party
Hen do abroad
Wedding
Baby shower
Christening/naming ceremony
x 14 friends = Big Debt for many.

I'm very happy to attend a wedding and wish the happy couple well.

But as for a hen do abroad - I'd rather put the money into my pension tbh 😆

A night out locally that everyone can afford to attend is perfect IMO.

Show quote history

Yes one year I went to seven weddings and declined every hen do that wasn't a night/day out. Crazy costs!

FireflyJar · 09/07/2023 08:01

Unless you know all the hens live at home and can afford it, YABVU to expect it with the CoL crisis at the moment

doorstopper123 · 09/07/2023 08:02

It's going to cost st least £1k

Up to you whether you can afford it or value
Girls trips

Meeting · 09/07/2023 08:05

Your whole friendship group dynamic seems absolutely awful. The way you say they 'owe you' because you've paid to go on theirs. It's disgusting and transactional. It feels as though one person was paid for and now all the others feel like they're owed the same in return and must cash it in.

Original poster
Mabmabdwarf · 09/07/2023 08:06

WunWun · 09/07/2023 07:56

Yeah, you're asking them to pay hundreds of pounds for your hen do and they'd be ridiculously tight not to pay for you too 😂

The idea of asking people to people to not only go on an expensive holiday but to also pay for me to go is so far removed from normality for me. And that's something I'm really glad about! It's so self centered and grabby.

Show quote history

Good for you.

All the other hens are grabby too then so I just hang around with a load of grabby women and we are all the same.

Im sure the people moaning on here about paying for the bride are also the ones that get the calculator out when paying for a meal together. Cringe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mabmabdwarf · 09/07/2023 08:06

Meeting · 09/07/2023 08:05

Your whole friendship group dynamic seems absolutely awful. The way you say they 'owe you' because you've paid to go on theirs. It's disgusting and transactional. It feels as though one person was paid for and now all the others feel like they're owed the same in return and must cash it in.

Must cash in? Yes that’s the only reason we get married… to get our hen do money back 😂

OP posts: