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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To marry a man I'm not in love with

578 replies

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

OP posts:
redressgirl · 08/07/2023 22:43

Well I passed up a man who had money house and everything I'm in love with my current dp he doesn't have a pot to piddle in but he's amazing

BabyBlue777 · 08/07/2023 22:52

Only consider it if you are actually attracted to him. If he is just like a friend or 'Daddy' figure, then don't do it. Long term it will drive you crazy. There are plenty of fish in the sea. If you are at least sexually in to him, then love can grow. Romantic intense love can be a red herring and just a rush of hormones. It is true, it doesn't last. Respect and honesty and the same goals and values are what truly last. Being poor and insecure will ruin a relationship with stress. But if you are not that in to him sexually or romantically, I'd say don't do it for both your sakes. It will fester away and become a poison that will then poison your kids.

BabyBlue777 · 08/07/2023 22:54

It also sounds like you still need to let go of the 'love of your life' image you have of the other guy. He was not the love of your life, he was just someone you had chemistry with. If he was the love of your life you'd still be with him. That was all an illusion.

Ketchuponpizza · 08/07/2023 23:09

I regret not choosing someone more financially stable, to be honest.

I know many women who did just this, had their family life and have been happy.

The sex pesting would be an issue for me, and need to be sorted before marriage though.

Icantfindmykeys · 08/07/2023 23:12

Donotshushme · 07/07/2023 17:09

How do you know what being in love feels like? Because it sounds to me like you love him. Maybe you've absorbed the message that love needs to be volatile and red hot with emotion flying everywhere.

Nothing wrong with a good, steady, loving relationship where you take care of each other and enjoy spending time together.

I think you need to let go of the idea that your ex was the love of your life and instead embrace the idea that there are many ways to be in love and that it doesn't have to be a volatile disaster.

This!

SleepingStandingUp · 08/07/2023 23:18

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 19:01

Honestly I'm surprised at mumsnet, you're all so understanding of how relationships evolve, menopause etc and the fact that the sex goes. Are all you women saying "you must be utterly in love with the man", still doing it, and when? Do you initiate it? And is your life otherwise perfect? No didn't think so.

But you're STARTING POINT is not wanting to have sex and him pestering you when you say no. You've not got to kids and sleepless nights and touched out and menopause and all that shit yet. Yes we have less sex now, but it's built on a foundation of love and respect nd he doesn't pester or sulk when I say no.

mylifestory · 08/07/2023 23:26

I think you'll find that a lot of ppl are married the way u suggest u will do, far more than u imagine. If u hold out for what u truly want, it may never happen and u wd kick yrself. Go for it, enjoy like for the now!

ellyeth · 08/07/2023 23:40

Someone who wants you to stay at home and have babies might just be a kind, generous man. On the other hand, he might be very controlling. How long have you known him and have you lived together?

If you have been in the relationship long enough to know his true character, I agree with the poster who said you should be honest with him and if he is OK with that, why not marry? In the early stages of a relationship, lust often masquerades as love. Many couples who marry see themselves as "hopelessly in love" and the next thing you know is they are getting divorced.

Yummers8 · 09/07/2023 00:01

You are mixed up dear lady and currently slightly unhinged. Do not destroy this man by marrying him. You will both regret it later.

Polito · 09/07/2023 00:11

Don’t marry unless there is deep strong love. When you know you know. Maybe give it more time. Love doesn’t always arrive overnight. Sometimes it can take a few years to get to know someone and develop feelings. Don’t be rushed into marriage by finances. This is your first marriage. You need to feel love. Not dizzy heady hormonal lust. The latter does fade as you say. Love lasts.

a1poshpaws · 09/07/2023 00:20

I must firstly admit to not having read the whole thread, so forgive me if I'm saying the same as 500 other people.

If you marry him without loving him when you know that he does love you, then in my mind you're no better than Charles the Turd who manipulated a naive 19 year old into becoming his brood mare, thereby denying her a chance to meet someone who truly cared about her.

Also, if you don't love him then sooner rather than later sex is going to become an ordeal. And as I can attest to, it's hard to keep that fact from your sexual partner when you're unable to prevent yourself from gagging as he tries to kiss you.

Do you really want that for him? Or for you? If you do, then I'm afraid my opinion of you is that you're lazy, dishonourable and cruel, plus you're too foolish to see that it's a recipe for heartbreak all round if sometime after you marry him, you find someone whom you are in love with.

ProfessorXtra · 09/07/2023 00:35

a1poshpaws · 09/07/2023 00:20

I must firstly admit to not having read the whole thread, so forgive me if I'm saying the same as 500 other people.

If you marry him without loving him when you know that he does love you, then in my mind you're no better than Charles the Turd who manipulated a naive 19 year old into becoming his brood mare, thereby denying her a chance to meet someone who truly cared about her.

Also, if you don't love him then sooner rather than later sex is going to become an ordeal. And as I can attest to, it's hard to keep that fact from your sexual partner when you're unable to prevent yourself from gagging as he tries to kiss you.

Do you really want that for him? Or for you? If you do, then I'm afraid my opinion of you is that you're lazy, dishonourable and cruel, plus you're too foolish to see that it's a recipe for heartbreak all round if sometime after you marry him, you find someone whom you are in love with.

Sex is already an ordeal

Summerisdone · 09/07/2023 00:40

I’m a bit late to the thread and I’ve read through all your posts but not read all the responses so don’t know if someone has already said this; but are you sure you don’t love this man?
Except for the frustration of not always wanting sex when he does (which I think most women experience with partners at some point or other in a long term relationship), you do actually sound like you love this man, and I’m wondering if perhaps because it’s a very different love from what you’re used to then you’re not recognising it for what actually is.
It sounds like your past relationship was quite tumultuous and with that comes the confusing ‘passion’ and the constant fear of losing them so this often makes you fear the loss of the relationship and feel like it’s love, but it’s more lust and straight up fear of losing the relationship, whereas now you have the security and no need to fear losing each other that you may simply not recognise love for what it actually is.
My younger relationships were similar to how you describe your last one, and I’ve had to figure out what actual love in a relationship is, and with my partner now, after about 6 months I couldn’t figure out my feelings for him so I imagined if he was to up and leave me and never see or speak to me again, then how would I feel; instantly I knew I’d be devastated and that’s when I realised I do indeed love him, it was just a much healthier and more secure love than I’d been used to.

zviff · 09/07/2023 00:45

You sound like a gold digger. You only want to marry him because of what he gives you, not because your feelings. If for some reason he lost his job/ability to work, you would drop him like a hot rock. You're a perfect example of why I stopped dating western women. You're only interested in his money and what he can do for you, not in him. And you sound like you're still not over your ex. Your heart belongs to a man who you had an immensely unhealthy relationship with but you feel nothing for a good man. You only like him because he is of great benefit to you. You sound like an immensely immature teenager and are everything that is wrong with women. You are using that poor man and taking advantage of his feelings for you.

Tell him honestly how you feel. That you're only considering him because of what he can give you. See how that goes over.

Flippingnora100 · 09/07/2023 01:14

Be careful not to confuse being in a stable relationship with a securely attached person with being boring and not being ‘in love,’ because you’ve been in a terrible relationship that was like a rollercoaster in the past. That may have seemed exciting but it might have been more of a trauma-bonding kind of situation. I see this all the time in my work as a therapist. People finally meet someone who doesn’t play games, then find it un-exciting. I’m not telling you what to think, but be careful to really understand your feelings for this guy before you proceed.

Coco1379 · 09/07/2023 01:38

Do you think you could grow to love him? ‘In Love’ passes but friendship, kindness and mutual support maintain a relationship. I think you need to ask yourself whether you would marry this man if he was not able to make you financially secure. If the answer is no, then to marry him would be to exploit his love for you.

Avondale89 · 09/07/2023 01:59

Not unless you want to be miserable
and potentially ending up resentful. Marriage can be a tough slog even if you are in love with the other person when you first marry. You’re much better off finding contentment alone. Why get even get married?

ZooStation · 09/07/2023 06:08

Ah - love changes over time as we ourselves change over time. I am not in love with my husband in the way that my teenage self was in love, and in love with being in love. It was exciting and thrilling, but I would ditch it immediately for my lovely husband who I love, without the thrills, but with the wonderful sense of belonging.

i think romcoms have a lot to answer for. And Mr Darcy.

Only you can make this decision for you. Maybe give it a bit more time.

Caramellois · 09/07/2023 07:22

In your shoes, and especially if you want children, I'd marry him. If you haven't found "true love" by now you're not that likely to find it in the next few years. I have a friend who missed out on having children because of dithering round and wasting time with a chap she mistakenly thought was her great love. He was a dreadful leaching parasite. She has a lot of regrets and she wishes that she had made better choices.

If you go in with good intentions and determined to make a good go of it, I can't see that he is being shortchanged. I must say of my own "great love" that it made a pleasant change to meet a man who was nice, reliable and available. I truly felt with my husband that we were a team in a way that I hadn't felt about the "great love" who I now realise to be a fairly awful human being from whom I had a lucky escape. My husband is my "great love".

Itsbeennice · 09/07/2023 07:39

Hadn’t rtft.
The “sex pest behaviour” she describes is a bit of an afterthought, though, and not in the OP.
I’m starting to wonder if this is true.

Bogasphodel · 09/07/2023 07:54

TheresBoozeInTheBlender · 07/07/2023 17:53

He's a sex pest
You don't love him
He thinks women should stay at home and be protected
You're also repeating sexist tropes like women "hand their kids over at 12 months" Hmm and women might fall all over him if he wasn't so fat 🤣
You grew up in a violent household and think your turbulent relationship previously was "love"
You've no ambition to be able to support yourself and a child.

Mate, don't marry him. And don't have kids with anyone yet. You're not ready.

This completely!!!

doorstopper123 · 09/07/2023 07:59

Choose with your head and not your heart

I know plenty of women in marriages like this. It's hard being single, especially if you want children

Many people find it easier to be in a partnership to progress

LuckySantangelo35 · 09/07/2023 08:16

The idea that being married to someone who you don’t love whose behaviours at times you can’t stand just to have kids is so depressing!

I’d rather be child free any day!!

plus OP if you look at thread on here you will see that loads of women actually say that having kids isn’t all that and if they had their time again they probably wouldn’t bother.

KimberleyClark · 09/07/2023 08:22

In your shoes, and especially if you want children, I'd marry him. If you haven't found "true love" by now you're not that likely to find it in the next few years. I have a friend who missed out on having children because of dithering round and wasting time with a chap she mistakenly thought was her great love. He was a dreadful leaching parasite. She has a lot of regrets and she wishes that she had made better choices.

If she marries him in order to have children she is using him as much as if she was marrying him for money and security.

DrSbaitso · 09/07/2023 08:29

women might fall all over him if he wasn't so fat 🤣

Oh God, I didn't realise how funny that actually is.

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