Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To marry a man I'm not in love with

578 replies

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

OP posts:
laylababe5 · 09/07/2023 08:48

So many of us have been sold the Disney princess dream of falling head over heels in love with someone and being madly passionately in love for the rest of our lives. I think this is bullshit and unrealistic. I think you CHOOSE to love the person you are with and you work at building your life together. If he is a good man, and I mean a really good man who has respect for you, then that is a great start to a marriage.

ProfessorXtra · 09/07/2023 08:52

laylababe5 · 09/07/2023 08:48

So many of us have been sold the Disney princess dream of falling head over heels in love with someone and being madly passionately in love for the rest of our lives. I think this is bullshit and unrealistic. I think you CHOOSE to love the person you are with and you work at building your life together. If he is a good man, and I mean a really good man who has respect for you, then that is a great start to a marriage.

I am not sure how well it would have been revived if Disney did a film telling women not to marry sex pests. So not sure what Disney could have done to help op out with this dilemma 😁

He isn’t a good man. You can read all ops posts by clicking read all which is on all her posts.

Blossomtoes · 09/07/2023 08:56

He isn’t a good man.

In virtually every respect he is. Nobody is perfect.

DrSbaitso · 09/07/2023 08:57

laylababe5 · 09/07/2023 08:48

So many of us have been sold the Disney princess dream of falling head over heels in love with someone and being madly passionately in love for the rest of our lives. I think this is bullshit and unrealistic. I think you CHOOSE to love the person you are with and you work at building your life together. If he is a good man, and I mean a really good man who has respect for you, then that is a great start to a marriage.

I thought this when the OP first posted, but then she described him as a sex pest and said she couldn't stand him touching her.

It needs to be tolerable at the very least!

caringcarer · 09/07/2023 09:13

If you're not crazy about him at the beginning of your relationship then you'll live your whole life without that 'desperate to be close to him, feeling'. You are selling yourself short.

Pinkbasketcase · 09/07/2023 10:04

Why is love based on material things or what another can give you? I feel that is very sad.

It's very unfair to base your relationship on financial security on someone else and whatever need you're getting from him. You are being very selfish. At some stage you will regret it! Do what makes you happy because you are emotionally met, (in a sense) otherwise it will go to pot! Clearly you are not emotionally combatable with this person. So move on!

Although, the way he speaks seems cringy and borderline controlling.

Sandra1984 · 09/07/2023 10:09

Blossomtoes · 09/07/2023 08:56

He isn’t a good man.

In virtually every respect he is. Nobody is perfect.

She’s the bad one here, she’s getting into a relationship with him for the money and making him think she really fancies him. I feel sorry for this guy. Regarding the sex pest thing … any man/woman at the honey moon stage expects lots of physical stuff and sex.

TheoTheopolis23 · 09/07/2023 10:20

You're a perfect example of why I stopped dating western women. You're only interested in his money and what he can do for you, not in him.

Lmao.

What do you think lots of women from developing countries want when they marry (usually older, usually not looks matched) men from Western countries?

You're desirable to them for (developed country) visa status and for money ... For them and their families whom they're expected to subsidise.

Buggersticks · 09/07/2023 10:36

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 07/07/2023 17:02

Its not fair on him to be perfectly honest. Why shouldn't he have someone who loves him like he loves you. It would be selfish of you to do that to him.

Absolutely this ^^

MummyPencil · 09/07/2023 10:41

mylifestory · 08/07/2023 23:26

I think you'll find that a lot of ppl are married the way u suggest u will do, far more than u imagine. If u hold out for what u truly want, it may never happen and u wd kick yrself. Go for it, enjoy like for the now!

Precisely

You could marry “the one “ you live but with time and responsibilities (kids, housework) and the desire wears off
More importantly do you RESPECT him? Does he RESPECT you?

How do you handle disputes/disagreements?

Good Luck

ProfessorXtra · 09/07/2023 10:44

Blossomtoes · 09/07/2023 08:56

He isn’t a good man.

In virtually every respect he is. Nobody is perfect.

Nobody is perfect????

He is a sex pest. She has communicated her boundaries and he still does it and it’s driving her away. But he still carries on.

He doesn’t give affection, which Op wants without the prospect of sex.

Op finds him unattractive. And can’t stand his behaviour.

You really think these things can be overlooked as a slight imperfection and not a big deal?

He is really far away from perfect. As a person and a potential partner for the Op.

MummyPencil · 09/07/2023 10:45

Whatever decision you make it could go wrong long term

He could stop providing for you financially (after kids)
The One for you could change after 20y years

No-one can give you any guarantees that the marriage will be a bliss with financial security 🤷‍♀️

threatmatrix · 09/07/2023 11:36

The main question is do you enjoy being intimate with him, if the answer is yes then go for it but once that feeling goes arguments start.

shine18 · 09/07/2023 11:48

I agree with this. You are sounding quite all or nothing bit catastrophic thinking. Love can be steady and strong and grow deeply. Key thing is do you fancy him and are if the sex is good. Lots of people “marry for love” then the love flickers out anyway

Pherian · 09/07/2023 11:53

I think when you come from relationships where there is a lot of fighting and BS it’s easy to mistake those passionate feelings for love when in fact it’s just trauma bonding. I had to go through years of counselling after a relationship with a narc and I’m familiar with this feeling.

The relationship I’m in now is boring. I never wanted kids or being held down by family life. It’s what I have now and honestly, couldn’t be happier.

Ask yourself if you can be faithful to him. If you want the life the two of you will have. If you can be happy.

Orangewinegum8481 · 09/07/2023 12:02

If you don't want him, send him my way

LoisLane66 · 09/07/2023 12:36

If you respect him and he you, then go for it. Love appears in many guises and kindness, respect and honesty are the cornerstones of love. Without them it's simply animal lust.
Best wishes for a wonderful future.

Barney60 · 09/07/2023 12:44

i feel you need to set him free, so he can find that love you clearly dont have for him.
Seems to me your looking for an easy life and think this mans your meal ticket as much as you are friends at the moment.
Sorry for being so blunt but this is wrong on so many levels.

laylababe5 · 09/07/2023 12:46

I hardly think your partner pestering you for sex is a reason not to marry them. I doubt there are many relationships where both partners have an equal sex drive. It only becomes a problem if they can't take no for an answer and make the low sex drive partner feel guilty about it, or worse. An imbalance in sex drives is something that can be worked on.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 09/07/2023 12:48

So in a nutshell you like the idea of not working but you don’t like this man touching you?

No, that’s not a healthy foundation for a relationship.

pollymere · 09/07/2023 12:58

I think the best question is this one. It's one someone asked me and they made me realize I was totally in love with DH, I just hadn't realised it.

"Would you miss him if he wasn't part of your life anymore?"

Is he the person you want to share stuff with and phone up or text? Love isn't always about thunderbolts. Sometimes it's about having a best friend you can rely on (and you like having sex with).

And I'm saddened by people who tell me I've been with DH too long to still be having sex with him. We don't have the sex life we had when we first got married but we do have one 😂 and it's over 25 years old...

a1poshpaws · 09/07/2023 14:03

@ProfessorXtra I'm really sorry for you being in that situation. I can't give you any advice as I obviously know zero about your particular situation. If you'd like a private "ear" to talk about it but still be anonymous, please feel free to message me.💐

Bugbabe1970 · 09/07/2023 15:27

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 20:19

OK so questions from the comments:,

  1. Do you all actually shag your husbands every minute of every day or is it just us that should feel like utter shit for not being into it?
  2. The sex goes. We All know that. So why Are you telling me it's important when in the end we know practically none of your are actually having sex with your husbands.

It doesn't go....30 years we've been together and still have regular sex, it changes and there are times when sex goes on the back burner but it definitively doesn't go.

Saying that.... there are a hell of a lot of marriages that don't work for many reasons but you have to have mutual love and respect to even have a chance of it working

zviff · 09/07/2023 15:42

Barney60 · 09/07/2023 12:44

i feel you need to set him free, so he can find that love you clearly dont have for him.
Seems to me your looking for an easy life and think this mans your meal ticket as much as you are friends at the moment.
Sorry for being so blunt but this is wrong on so many levels.

Exactly this. My response was considerably more blunt than yours. I found her whole premise to be repugnant.

Grrrrdarling · 09/07/2023 16:07

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

Love comes in so many different forms & feelings.
For many it grows from a simple connection - not an all overwhelming spark -, that then leads to a mutual respect which then blossoms into a loving relationship.
I have ADHD & unless people are in my life everyday they don’t really register on my radar or in my cares but it doesn’t mean I don’t love or care for them.
Sex is also not the be all & end all of a relationship but some form of intimacy & mutual connection is nice to have.

Sadly my partner & I haven’t had sex for nearly 5yrs but I had a medical procedure that literally destroyed my libido overnight. I also started crying during & after we had sex, after the procedure, so that made it horrendous for us both.
I felt miserable because I used to have a super high sex drive - I never said no to a quickly or any advances - & this crying happened no matter how nice or good the sex was & he felt like he was inadequate or doing something wrong.
Gradually getting my mojo back but still have a low libido & unable to initiate sex.
I wonder if our relationship will last but the re is more to life than sex.

Swipe left for the next trending thread