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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To marry a man I'm not in love with

578 replies

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

OP posts:
Mrsgreen100 · 08/07/2023 19:24

Don’t do it , when you’re 50 or 60 you will definitely regret it
its not going to work long term
and totally unforgivable to do that to him

nameXname · 08/07/2023 19:28

OK OP
You need somone to help pay the bills after your career has not progressed as you had hoped. Very sorry to hear that - have you sought help about how to use the undoubted talents/skills/knowledge that you have?
You might quite like children. But do you really understand how all-consuming their needs can be - not just for the first 5 years but way into adulthood?
You have met a man who you like. Good. Very good. He's from a different culture and has different expectations of marriage/parenthood etc to yours. But he has money. That is a very, very powerful thing. It can be used to help you, or used against you.
You don't fancy him physically. That's 100% crucial in most marriages. You say he's a sex pest. How much of that is pressure ON HIM from his own culture to prove to himself that he's a real man?
Whatever the answer to the above question is, unless you and he TOGETHER find an HONEST and TRUTHFUL and NO-HOLDS_BARRED answer to the above questions - and those answers can be many and varied, so long as they suit you BOTH- then I can't see the marriage being very happy.

To respect yourself, you also need to treat others with respect. Just TALK to the man and tell him how you feel and see if together you can work out a personalised way forwards. That might be strange or shocking to others but it will at least mean that you are being honest with him.

ANYTHNG ELSE is dishonest. That is almost never, never the way forward and has various most unpleasant labels attached to it.

But just please stop being nasty towards people on this thread who have - with very best intentions - tried to help you.

Mrsgreen100 · 08/07/2023 19:29

Omg sex pest behaviour
wtf are you doing
did u take a good long time before you got into this , sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen
m

TmFid · 08/07/2023 19:32

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 17:00

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

You sound like a friend of mine. Similar relationship with an ex! Massive disaster and waste of time, but she believed him to be the love of her life! She met her now husband at 38 and although the love wasn’t the same as it was with the ex, he offered stability, security, mutual respect, kindness and so many other amazing qualities. She sensibly married him and her love has now only grown for him. They have a very lovely life, with much wanted children and they have made it work. Your notion of “love of my life,” is very idealised, like hers once was. You deserve a future and children and if he has many qualities you already like and respect, there is a great foundation there to work with.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 08/07/2023 19:34

Blabber1 · 07/07/2023 19:01

Honestly I'm surprised at mumsnet, you're all so understanding of how relationships evolve, menopause etc and the fact that the sex goes. Are all you women saying "you must be utterly in love with the man", still doing it, and when? Do you initiate it? And is your life otherwise perfect? No didn't think so.

Yes. It's perfect because we work through the rubbish together, as a team and we're with each other because we want to be with each other. I actually heard something the other day that resonated well.

You want to be in a relationship with someone who is there because they want to be, not because they think they have no other option.

No ones life is "perfect" in the sense that its all 100% textbook. But some partnerships are, even with the disagreements and slightly rubbish bits. People can be perfect for each other. Are you two? Are you exactly what he needs? And is he what you need?

Mari9999 · 08/07/2023 19:40

@Blabber1
If you are looking for certainty or a guarantee you won't get it. No matter what the level of feelings or compatibility, the amount of resources or lack thereof, the similarity or differences in culture, shared or differences in levels of income or education. , you will find among them relationships that worked well and relationships that became nightmare, and in between some relationships that evolved into peaceful but passionless coexistence

The outcome will depend largely on the character, flexibility, compatibility, and persistence that the 2 people bring to the table. I think that flexibility and compatibility are the most important attributes.

ProfessorXtra · 08/07/2023 20:16

TmFid · 08/07/2023 19:32

You sound like a friend of mine. Similar relationship with an ex! Massive disaster and waste of time, but she believed him to be the love of her life! She met her now husband at 38 and although the love wasn’t the same as it was with the ex, he offered stability, security, mutual respect, kindness and so many other amazing qualities. She sensibly married him and her love has now only grown for him. They have a very lovely life, with much wanted children and they have made it work. Your notion of “love of my life,” is very idealised, like hers once was. You deserve a future and children and if he has many qualities you already like and respect, there is a great foundation there to work with.

Show quote history

He doesn’t respect her. Ops been very clear about that.

Hooplahooping · 08/07/2023 20:20

Maybe unpopular opinion but ‘in love’ as defined by my teenage diet of chaotic + dramatic ‘relationships’ and an awful lot of romcoms set me up with a pretty horrible idea of what love is. I thought that if we weren’t fighting or having sex and I didn’t feel desperate afraid of loosing him half the time then it wasn’t real. It took a lot of mistakes from me - and some unbelievable patience from my now husband - to understand that real love, is the everyday choice to prioritise your relationship with someone. It’s leaning in when you feel scared, it’s trusting them with your messy pieces because you believe they see the big picture of who you are. I believe that I’d two people actively chose to love each other, they can be an unshakeably brilliant unit. If you lean in, and genuinely choose this guy the way he has chosen you. You’re not being unreasonable at all

trixie1970 · 08/07/2023 20:29

It sounds to me as if you want him for the gold plated lifestyle and that you might be entertaining the idea of him paying for everything for you.

That is so wrong on every level. Totally not fair on him or yourself for that matter.

Do the right thing and let him find someone who wants the whole package with him including love.

One of my number one rules is never to rely on anyone for money....stand on one's own two feet.

cookie4640 · 08/07/2023 20:30

It sounds great, BUT what happens when your eyes meet with another man and the chemistry is there and you’re now married to your friend?! Break his heart or break your own knowing you could’ve actually had your soulmate… it’s a tough time for sure, I wish you all the best regardless what you decide x

Toomuchtrouble4me · 08/07/2023 20:30

You’re 37. If you want kids then marry this lovely man. The love of my life was a sociopath and utterly charming gorgeous loser. My DH never had his charm, his draw, his looks etc.
But he loved me, was sane, secure, made me feel safe and secure and protected and adored. So I married him, we have 4 kids, a great life, money isn’t an issue, plenty of holidays and I was able to leave a job I hated at 50 and just enjoy the freedom that brings. Do it. I might say wait if you were 27 but at 37…and you want kids? Do it now.

Ukrainebaby23 · 08/07/2023 20:33

If he got really sick and/or was broke would you stay and take care of him? That's your answer I think.

Blossomtoes · 08/07/2023 20:38

cookie4640 · 08/07/2023 20:30

It sounds great, BUT what happens when your eyes meet with another man and the chemistry is there and you’re now married to your friend?! Break his heart or break your own knowing you could’ve actually had your soulmate… it’s a tough time for sure, I wish you all the best regardless what you decide x

There is no when. There’s a vanishingly small chance of if. Anyone with any sense would dismiss instant “chemistry” if it was weighed against a secure marriage.

ProfessorXtra · 08/07/2023 20:43

Blossomtoes · 08/07/2023 20:38

There is no when. There’s a vanishingly small chance of if. Anyone with any sense would dismiss instant “chemistry” if it was weighed against a secure marriage.

Show quote history

But this wouldn’t be a secure marriage.

an secure marriage doesn’t have a sex pest one side and someone who already can’t stand the others behaviour a few months in.

StormShadow · 08/07/2023 21:03

Yes, have you not read the updates? Nothing about this says secure marriage.

MotherOfUnicorns4 · 08/07/2023 21:30

Don't do it. When you have children his sex pest behaviour will really start to make your skin crawl. I was with my exH for 8 years before I was brave enough to call it quits. Leave before you start a family. I have to still see him 13 years later as we have children together, but I thank the gods every time as he really has not aged well and is even more of an arse!

mikeysmummy2004 · 08/07/2023 21:31

It depends what your definition of "love" is. If you mean you're not physically attracted to him at all, it could be a problem. It's not strictly necessary to feel passionate about someone, like you did towards your ex - that sort of passion may not be conducive to a happy marriage (as you have already found out) - and your friend is right - it would not last, anyway. However, you should still be physically attracted to this man to some degree (not repulsed by him), otherwise it could be very uncomfortable for you pretending for the rest of your life. If you feel comfortable in his company and in intimate situations, then I don't see why it could not work, provided your personalities are compatible with each other. I know it's tricky - I've been married 21 years and it wasn't the great love story I imagined when I was a teenager but you know what, it works and I could not imagine my life with anyone else now. And I know the one that got away wouldn't have worked. Instead of passion, what you need is compatibility. I don't know your exact circumstances - perhaps it would be a good idea to live together for a while to see how it goes - but I know if the biological clock is ticking that may not be an option.

CuriositysCat · 08/07/2023 21:39

In your position, I would marry him.

Frozzie1 · 08/07/2023 21:45

No one on this forum knows the answer to your question except you, OP. No one knows you here and what will work for you and your partner.

Life tells me that lust is almost never love and love grows with time. Love takes many forms but mutual respect, trust, consideration, kindness, financial stability, similar interests and/or life goals are important for a long term marriage/relationship.

I could not have had a long marriage with the ‘lust of my life’ with whom I was unsuited to in just about every other area of life.

ProfessorXtra · 08/07/2023 22:09

CuriositysCat · 08/07/2023 21:39

In your position, I would marry him.

You would marry a sex pest you can’t stand touching you for money?

Chestnutlover · 08/07/2023 22:12

I could have written this post. Dm if you can x

user1487768885 · 08/07/2023 22:21

I think we are all in love with the idea of "being in love". Now I'm older & hopefully wiser. I love my hubby so much but the phrase in love really makes me cringe. I think that if you love him & can see yourself having his children & growing old with him that's good enough. I also had an ex that I was so "in love" with. He's naive impractical & useless in so many things. I just couldn't see myself growing old with him. To me, I want to marry the father of my children not some bloke who I'm once in love with & can give me children. The quality of the man one should marry should be a lot important to some "teenage dreams".

Mumof3confused · 08/07/2023 22:36

Have therapy and work this out before having children or marrying this man. I didn’t and I am divorcing him 14 years down the line. I’ve now met the ONE to sweep me off my feet. I don’t regret it because I have my gorgeous and amazing children who I wouldn’t change for the world but the separation has been brutal. Don’t rush into anything. Figure it out first.

Winnipeg23 · 08/07/2023 22:36

Ukrainebaby23 · 08/07/2023 20:33

If he got really sick and/or was broke would you stay and take care of him? That's your answer I think.

Wow. Great answer🎯

Mumof3confused · 08/07/2023 22:39

So I’ve just read the sex pest bit and I think no don’t marry him. Trust me. If you feel like this now, wait til you have kids.