To marry a man I'm not in love with

[Blabber1]

I'm 37 and have chased career and my heart my whole life. My "career" is basically a non- starter and I still live like a student. My ex was the love of my life but the relationship was a disaster from start to finish and I never want that type of life again.

I've met a man who loves me deeply, earns very well although inconsistently because he's freelance, wants to let me stay at home with babies, wants to take care of me etc. He's from a southern European country and very regular holidays are going to be par for the course. We just went away there for 2 months and he wants to go back in September. He paid for everything.

He is the person I should theoretically marry, and he's the only one I ever seriously considered having children with. But I'm not in love with him. I hate this phrase but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well. Me and "love of my life" argued and fought viciously all the time.

My best friend told me the love in her marriage had died and the only thing keeping them together is the substratum of mutual bond and respect and the kids. She says what killed them, among other things, was finances. She said if he can give you a good life then go for it, because the crazy heady days go and then you're left with reality.

So, I've never had crazy heady days with this guy but the point is those will go anyway. He is absolutely lovely and gentle, kind, strong, generous to a fault etc. Help me. Am I making a mistake marrying him when I'm not in love with him, but love so many things about him, and he can give me a life I only ever dreamed about?

I wouldn't like to call it either way as to whether it would be unreasonable. I would note, though, that when my now ex-wife and I got married - her decision - she was, as I later found out, having an affair with my brother. After the amicable divorce, nearly 10 years later - we had grown apart - she said that she didn't know why I married her. My reason for that was simple enough, and fairly obvious: what I don't know (and won't ask) is why she decided to marry me.

Maybe you had money, maybe you looked google I’d on paper, maybe you offered a nice ring and stable home which is not something your brother was offering her etc…

in any case she’s a total dickhead.

I meant “good on paper” not “ google on paper” 🤣😂🤣 bloody auto corrector .

From experience it will end up in divorce. Why get married at all?

100%.

I think so many people think that the "Hollywood" style love is real love, and when you have a fiery relationship then you get the "love is longing" dynamic.

It sounds to me like you do love this man, and a much deeper love than the initial "in love" feeling we all get which inevitably dies off anyway.

Agree completely. So much of the happily ever after marriage is completely a matter of luck and timing.

I think you do love him. The love isn't that heady, dizzy love but a more stable, respectful love and marriages work fine on this type of love. So, as long as you're not flighty and will decide at some stage that life has more to it than what you have, youll be fine.

I married a man who loved me. I loved him but not in that heady dizzy way. He died at 50 yo. I was devastated. I never realised just how deeply I loved him and still do some 7 years since he died.

Test how you really feel by thinking about how you'd feel if he wasn't around anymore.

Personally, I would marry him. He sounds fabulous.

Good luck, OP.

He deserves better.

If this is the woman he wants there is no better for him. I expect you’d say my bloke deserved better because when we were married I wasn’t “in love” and it was a decision driven by my head as well as my heart. I can’t imagine after 25 very happy years together he’d agree with you.

Yeah, just send him a link to this convo - I think your dilemma will be solved.

Does he know you don’t feel the same way about him as he feels about you? If he doesn’t he deserves and needs to know. If you tell him and he still wants to go ahead then maybe the marriage will stand a chance as you are going in on equal terms.

I would tend to disagree with that.

Problem is she doesn’t love “him”, she loves the material things he brings to the table: financial stability, the possibility of being a SAHM, get out of the professional rat race and long holidays in the Mediterranean country. Besides this we don’t know what other things glue this couple (sex defo not being one of them).

Did you consider him a sex pest whose touch you couldn't stand?

She literally says in the op

but I have A LOT of love for him and we get on amazingly well.

It's weird I've been in that same position in reverse. I still know I deserved better, and knew at the time. But was willing to accept it, because of love.

But as I discovered, it's frequently not an accommodation worth making when the other person ends up seeking the heady, crazy love of their youth again, xyz amount of years later leaving you feeling doubly hurt.

I feel this is worse, because OP has had all her 20s and most of her 30s to find someone steady, settle down and have kids, but wasted it on the so called "love of her life", with which she admits she had blazing rows and rollercoaster up and downs aka immature, dysfunctional relationship - stayed in that whilst not thinking of her fertility - and now because presumably she wants kids, due to shortened time, has settled on a man with a lot (on paper) to offer, and it's mostly about just her getting a family in and not about him. Even with regards to sex I've noted she has mostly focused on herself and referred to his (not changing sex drive.. she's the one withdrawing from the sex) as pestering and too much of an expectation.

It's a bad gamble and deeply unfair to the other person. You waste their chance to find someone who desires them solely for who they are is passionate about them and not just what they're able to offer.

But maybe like babies marriages aren't always formed in love & selflessness, but need, ego, financial pragmatism etc.

This isn’t about you and your relationship.

She calls him a sex pest and said his behaviour is something she can’t stand. She told him, his behaviour made her unhappy and he carried on.

If the Op is correct and he is a sex pest who ignores her when she says something makes her unhappy, then she deserves better from a partner.

If she is lying about that to make him sound less than ideal, then he deserves better.

I don’t understand, why you are making this about your marriage. Unless you also thought you husband was a sex pest who didn’t care about your needs. In which, I am sorry you have had to put up with that. But don’t encourage other people to accept a partner who doesn’t give a shit.

Agreed!!

I don’t understand, why you are making this about your marriage.

I’m not. I was illustrating that love and in love are two entirely different things and the latter isn’t necessary or better.

You’re absolutely fixated on “sex pest” which wasn’t even mentioned in the OP.

Yes, but then she's "eyeing" that future financial security infront of her and long mediterranean holidays and a bit of "wearing a mask", if she was honest and showed him this thread I'm not sure how amazingly well they would get along...

So the sex issue is now irrelevant because it was in another post?

Why does that make it go away

• @Blabber1 sex was great at the start but feel myself pulling back now and he is displaying some sex pest behaviour.

It was mentioned by the OP.

He probably does. He also deserves honesty.

If the op is not lying when he says I love you and is upfront and he still wants to go ahead then fine.

I think you could perhaps turn this on its head and imagine that this same gentle man who loves you does not have any money whatsoever. Still the same man but not offering to let you stay at home with potential children, not paying for holidays, not able to provide for you. Ask yourself if you would still be considering marrying him then? I think this might help you answer your question. If you can imagine the same man losing his job, becoming ill, and not able to look after you as you thought he would, and you still think it would be a good idea to marry him, then perhaps you should. If you can imagine being happy together without the holidays and comfortable home, because you do feel a kind of love for him, then it could work, if you are friends and laugh together. If you are only tempted because he seems to be stable and responsible with lots of spare money, then I really think you could be unhappy, as you might end up resenting each other. He might suspect down the line that this is what you married him for above anything else. I would look deep into your heart and ask what it is that you really want from a marriage. It might be that there is someone else out there who you could find yourself deeply in love with and who feels the same about you. Good luck and I hope you find happiness in whatever you decide to do.

@Runki I think you could perhaps turn this on its head and imagine that this same gentle man who loves you does not have any money whatsoever.

How about turn this a different way and he posted on a mens forum (lets say dads net : "After a very tumultuous relationship with a woman who is the love of my life I've met a girl who is kind and $$$ loaded, we get along great, problem is she's quite chubby and I'm not in love with her, she also has a high sex drive and has lately turn into a sex pest. My friend Joe tells me to go for it because the love in his marriage has died and the only thing keeping them together is a mutual bond and respect for the kids. Am I making a mistake marrying her?"

Would be interesting to hear the male response for this issue, but how would the OP feel if she found this on a male forum?