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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is in the wrong - hen weekend

175 replies

Sisterhenweekend · 07/07/2023 16:52

Bride tasked her sisters with organising a hen weekend away and gave them the list of guests. Two on the list were old friends only invited to the evening (they didn’t know this at this point).

Sisters sent out a message asking for availability for a weekend ie 22nd/23rd and a rough budget and then no further messages for a few months.

They got in touch to say it was booked and what everyone owed but it now required taking a day off work, was slightly more than agreed (£50 each). Two old friends now know they are evening guests only and are dropping out which will increase the price for the others.

Bride has sent quite rude messages saying they were only invited because she felt bad and they are making themselves look rude and cheap (and calling out one for being still single) and they have sent equally rude messages back saying they didn’t even know why they were invited and it’s bad planning to not confirm full dates and cost before actually booking.

I am a mutual friend of them all and both sides are complaining to me. I know who I think is unreasonable but I’d like other options please.

YABU - friends are unreasonable
YANBU - bride and sisters are unreasonable

OP posts:
Janey3090 · 07/07/2023 18:22

Oops voted YABU by accident meant to vote YANBU - bride and sisters definitely in the wrong here!

Calmdown14 · 07/07/2023 18:23

Aside from all the later issues, if someone asked me if I was free on a weekend then I heard nothing more for months, I would not have been holding that date with zero further communication. I'd assume it had been ditched/ changed.

DiscoDeborah · 07/07/2023 18:24

The sisters are dicks and should have kept people up to date and confirmed arrangements before booking.

The bride is a fucking bitch,

Darknightsahead · 07/07/2023 18:26

I was actually once invited to my friends wedding(full day) but didn’t get invited to the hen. Go figure.

Togiveandtoreceive · 07/07/2023 18:27

Darknightsahead · 07/07/2023 18:26

I was actually once invited to my friends wedding(full day) but didn’t get invited to the hen. Go figure.

That’s not unusual

Whitewolf2 · 07/07/2023 18:28

You don’t book something without double checking availability and costs after months of silence.
Bride is a horrible person and I wouldn’t want to be friends with her if that’s how she treats people.

Mabmabdwarf · 07/07/2023 18:29

Minniliscious · 07/07/2023 17:55

I’m confused - not everyone on my hen night was invited to the entire day? I had no idea that was rude? It was 5 years ago but I feel bad now. We just couldn’t afford to have everyone all day.

Of course it’s rude. They are good enough to pay to come to your hen but not good enough for you to fork out for them to come to your wedding.

Inkpotlover · 07/07/2023 18:29

The hens have done nothing wrong in pulling out. It's got nothing to do with them only being invited to the evening do either – the sisters should've double checked the price and date before booking. It's common sense to do that.

The bride owes them a massive apology for the nasty things she said too. I can't believe you even need to ask whether she and sisters are BU.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 07/07/2023 18:29

Darknightsahead · 07/07/2023 18:26

I was actually once invited to my friends wedding(full day) but didn’t get invited to the hen. Go figure.

Happens all the time. I've been to dozens of weddings but only four hen do's. I like it that way!

Iknowthis1 · 07/07/2023 18:30

Everyone is being unreasonable. There's no need for rudeness.

User63847484848 · 07/07/2023 18:32

The evening do bit is shitty
the other bit….I’m not sure. I had similar where I was asked to confirm date availability then next communication was it’s this and will cost £XXX (a lot!!) and was a done deal. I had to suck it up as was a close friend.
but on the other hand as an organiser must be tricky to do it any other way as once you start consulting people everyone has a different opinion!

Sheranovermytoes · 07/07/2023 18:34

Obviously nastiness runs in families.

Minniliscious · 07/07/2023 18:36

@Mabmabdwarf Blimey, calm down dear. I’ve also been to hen nights and then just been invited to the evening? Didn’t think anything of it at all tbh. Must be another weird Mumsnet thing ….

5128gap · 07/07/2023 18:36

The bride is a nasty piece of work isn't she? She 'called out' a friend for being single, like its a failing? All I can say is good luck on the hen do if you're still going as if she can treat two of her friends that way, you probably need to stay in line for the weekend if you don't want to be next.

UsingChangeofName · 07/07/2023 18:37

Calmdown14 · 07/07/2023 18:23

Aside from all the later issues, if someone asked me if I was free on a weekend then I heard nothing more for months, I would not have been holding that date with zero further communication. I'd assume it had been ditched/ changed.

Yup, me too.

Bride has sent quite rude messages saying they were only invited because she felt bad and they are making themselves look rude and cheap (and calling out one for being still single)
Shock
Wow. Classy.

and they have sent equally rude messages back saying they didn’t even know why they were invited and it’s bad planning to not confirm full dates and cost before actually booking.
Quite right. I mean, I don't think I would bother engaging with her, tbh, but the friends are not wrong.

As a general point, I don't agree with the horror on here about being invited to a hen / stag do and "only" being invited to the evening do.
A hen do is likely to be a completely different vibe from a wedding. I would choose to go or not go depending on the cost, the event, who else was going and if I were available, not on which part of the wedding I was invited to. So, if I thought it would be a great night out / weekend away / short break abroad "with the gals / lads", and I could afford it, I would go. If it weren't my kind of thing, or money was tight, then I wouldn't. I can see that loads of people that would love to go to the wedding, wouldn't want to go on a hen weekend, but that you could have friends that you go out with and you know love that sort of thing that were always up for a raucous night out who might love to go along.

That side of it isn't an issue.

The two issues are that something was booked without everyone agreeing to it (and the organisers were daft to book it without a contingency and without getting the money up front), and that the bride is incredibly rude and unkind to people.

pinkyredrose · 07/07/2023 18:39

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 07/07/2023 16:57

I should add to that DP was in a situation recently, he paid HUNDREDS of pounds for a stag do to a U.K. city for one of his oldest friends, he was then invited to the wedding and just had an evening invite, and of course the invite asked for a cash gift and he was a more than a bit put out that he paid so much to go on this stag, including his share of the stags costs, to then be only invited to the evening (and of course asked for more cash), to a venue he needed to get a night in a hotel for so more expense, to not even get a free glass of champagne…

That's awful! Hope he didn't go!

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 07/07/2023 18:43

Sisterhenweekend · 07/07/2023 18:02

@Minniliscious I think it could be seen as rude, if you’re happy for them to spend their money on attending your hen but not spend you’re own hosting them at your wedding.

I do know the bride is unreasonable, obviously but I genuinely wasn’t sure if ‘dropping out’ after it was booked was bad form as they originally said they’d go and the cost has now gone up for others. The bride is paying this not passing it onto her other hens.

I believe the bride wished one of girls good luck as she’d just started dating someone new but hasn’t had much luck before. But a bitchy good luck.

Thanks for all the responses - I will stop posting now incase it’s outing.

It wasn't 'bad form' to drop out under the circumstances. What was 'bad form' was changing the dates and the amounts without discussion AND not telling them they were only going to be evening guests with an explanation before inviting them to the hen do.

The brides sounds like a right bitchy cow.

Why on earth are you still going if she's happy to treat 'friends' this way. Good people don't act like this.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/07/2023 18:44

Bride sounds like a lowlife, frankly.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 07/07/2023 18:45

Mabmabdwarf · 07/07/2023 18:29

Of course it’s rude. They are good enough to pay to come to your hen but not good enough for you to fork out for them to come to your wedding.

Show quote history

Exactly. Beyond the pale.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 07/07/2023 18:48

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 07/07/2023 16:54

I think expecting someone to shell out for a hen do (and I assume pay towards the brides hen) and only inviting them to the evening is shitty

Totally agree with this.
Especially with how expensive hens are getting now.
The bride sounds like an absolute arsehole and might find her friends are in much less contact after the wedding if this is how she treats people.

Hibiscrubbed · 07/07/2023 18:55

Wow. Bride’s a twat.

Wexone · 07/07/2023 18:55

Oh my word. I am sorry I couldn't be friends with these people
and yes it's so rude to invite people to your hen and not to your wedding. Unless you wedding party consists of teeny tiny wedding party.
I actually didn't think evening parts where a thing anymore. have been to a good few weddings and the last few years there have been no evening invite part to any I have been at

willstarttomorrow · 07/07/2023 18:57

Well no one should feel under pressure to attend a hen, wedding or other event unless they want to. It does feel that for lots of people these days the focus has shifted from having a fun time with those closest to you to an event which seems to cause all involved significant levels of stress and also considerable expense.

supersop60 · 07/07/2023 18:58

You don't invite someone to a do, then insult them if they can't go. The bride doesn't deserve anyone at her hen or her wedding.

WaltzingWaters · 07/07/2023 19:05

The bride sounds an utter bitch.
and any of the hens were free to drop out when the plans cha he’d and the price was upped and it was all booked before they had ok’d it. Always double check they can attend and are happy with the price before booking!