Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

[HailHale]

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

As a mum. SHE IS NOT THE MUM. The dad is poerfectly capable or doing this, and no doubt he will.

you are being sarcastic I hope.

If not, why on earth would it now be "her job"? Since when do parents don't juggle several kids?

When my step children spent their birthdays with us I always treated them the same as I would my own children. We always have birthday cake, a special meal and family over. The fact that my step children weren't spending their birthday with their mum always made me want to make it special for them. I don't understand why step parents feel as though its nothing to do with them. When you marry someone who already has children surely you take them on too and treat them the same as you would if they were yours? Does it really matter who plans it ?

She is a step-mum. She accepted the child when she decided to marry the father. He's responsible, but she's not completely out of the picture.

It seems a bit short notice now, can you have a nice day out to the zoo or something, I think an 8year old would prefer that to seeing his step mums parents! I agree it should be up to you to sort anything out when he has a perfectly capable Dad.

And it's pathetic that the DH isn't more grateful to his wife and inlaws for taking care of one of his children's birthdays, so he can focus on his 8yo's. Instead he's demanding THEY do his job. Pillock.

noone wants the child to have a shit birthday. In the ops position I’d have made sure of this by, when this conversation happened, saying ok, you have one day to make it amazing. You could do nothing and go to work and work late and come home
to bed which will tell me and everyone else I tell (that will be a lot of people) exactly what kind of parent you are, but what many dads would do is spare some of their work time to look up options and book something fun, pick up some balloons and a cake on the way home, and then we all have a lovely day. All those other parents didn’t organise their kids parties and birthdays without the odd phone call/ email /online shopping from work. There is no reason the 8 year old should feel neglected unless he really can’t pull the finger out.

I find it bizarre that the child's mother hasn't even asked the father what the plan is.

Imagine if he was at his mums and his mum berated the boy's step father for not organising a party for him. I mean that just wouldn't happen.

100% this.

the op has already said she's planning to support etc

but this is on the lazy DH to fix here, he's just expecting another woman to step in and silently take over

he sounds like a shit Dad.

it's really telling that when this poor child's mum is off caring for another family member, not only does he NOT step up, he's actively berating his partner for not doing the thing he should have been on top of. madness.

This would be so absurd if the sexes were reversed.

I cannot imagine thinking it would be my boyfriends fault if he didn't arrange a party for my child. He would rightly think I was absolutely batshit if I queried what he'd organised since it's tomorrow.

So, what are you going to do now? How are the pair of you going to retrieve the situation? Yes, it's dh's responsibility but now's not the time for recriminations, now's the time for the pair of you to pull together to ensure that this child gets a decent celebration. You can do something small on the day, like presents and his favourite dinner, with the promise of the big thing at the weekend but make sure you know what that big thing is and that it's organised.

So laser tagging with his bm and dh, followed by meal for all of you? Or go karting again with dh and bm etc, or what? Your dh organises the activity and organise the meal and the bm.

Poor kid.

This thread is such an example of ingrained sexism. Imagine if a woman arranged bugger all for her own child's birthday then posted on here pissing and moaning that her new DH, the stepdad, hadn't arranged anything. She'd have her absolute arse handed to her.

Who knew that a vagina is a vital component in birthday arrangements.

Yep this.

It's entirely on your husband. He knew the mum isn't around. It's his job. Just because you have a double XX chromosome it doesn't make it yours.

And fuck off with people expecting you to suddenly take on the mental load of worrying about this kind of shit so his dad doesn't have to.

Once you think about in terms of would a stepdad in the same position be expected to get his family round and organise a party for a step daughter that wasn't biologically his, because her own Mum hadn't bothered? You realise the raw hypocrisy of this thread, because the same posters vilifying the sternum in this case would be baying for the biological mum's blood in that case whilst always giving the men a free pass.

Anyone commenting that the step mum should shoulder the burden and the blame needs to take a damn good hard look at their own internalized misogyny and accept that they are just as responsible as men for ensuring the continuation of patriarchy.

Women are not obliged to be the world's babysitters, caregivers and home makers anymore.

I completely disagree that this thread exemplifies the patriarchy. It is as simple as being kind/cruel.

Of course the father should have stepped up and sorted this - that’s a given. But he hasn’t and as so many others have said, it’s only be poor child who will be punished if this is the time that the OP makes the point to her husband.

Doing everything you can to make sure an 8 year old has a decent birthday (in what sounds like difficult circumstances for the poor kid) is about being a kind, decent person. Like I would want my children (boys and girls) to be. I also would totally expect my husband/son to do the same if a child had been so badly let down by the adults in their life. Because that’s about being a decent human being and nothing to do with having a vagina.

It’s also about how we would want our children to be treated. As someone else said - if this was the OPs child, who was with their dad and step mum for their birthday - how would you want them to be treated? I actually can’t imagine how sad I would be to think that my child’s 8th birthday was not being celebrated.

Again - of course the dad should have sorted it. But I can’t fathom sitting back and allowing a child to have a rubbish day because another adult has let them down; let alone if they were my step child.

This is an odd set up.

Your husband needs to actively participate in his sons life and think of this stuff and communicate and at a guess share more of the home arrangements(!) however you are his Step Mum and you knew you’d have your step child for his birthday and haven’t been active about that either - he didn’t think and brought it up last minute which heavily implies you also did not have a conversation with your Husband OR step son about this (this isn’t about maternal love, it’s more fundamental than that, it’s lacking thought, which applies to you both, in varying degrees). Vague thoughts of a meal or perhaps a friend to sleep over (the latter surely too late to organise now!?) are phoning it in to say the least unless you have had the convo with SS and he’s been vague then that is a different ball game.

We all have different birthday experiences, however in our family there is a birthday tea with family - sausage rolls, tiddly bits, jelly, birthday cake etc.

What do you have in your family? By the sounds of the assumption from your husband, and the toddler party you arranged, I imagine it’s something similar.

I re-iterate, your husband is squarely in the ‘has fucked up’ zone on this and yes, all those saying the burden shouldn’t fall to you have a point however take all that noise away and you are left with a child without either biological parent on their 8th birthday in your care, with, at the moment, no real plans to speak of. This is so sad.

I’d do it this year with my family given his mum is absent. As his mum will be around for other years, it won’t be setting a precedence. Yes it should have been up to dh, but the poor boy needs something arranging.

Yup

Of course it’s the fault of the father, but would it have killed the op to asked her partner what he’d planned ?

I can't believe so many people on here think a step parent (of either sex) should have absolutely NO responsibility for a stepchild in their care, 'because it's the other parents job'?? What sort of hideous attitude is that, would it be the same for an adoptive child or a niece/nephew that they were looking after for a while.. if you don't WANT a step child.. do everyone a fucking favour and don't get involved in a relationship with someone with children.

He doesn't need family around, that's extra. But definitely a fuss made of him by you guys, tea out and do a fun activity, cake etc.

This is 100% on the dad, what a shotty situation.

Can you gesome balloons and invite your parents over to make it a spectime?ial

it’s only be poor child who will be punished if this is the time that the OP makes the point to her husband.

People keep whipping this line out as if it's a trump card, but it isn't. They have bought presents, they will have a birthday tea. The DH does not work on weekends. He knows OP's family will not be organising a party. So he has all the info he needs to book some fun things for his son and see if any of his son's

The assumption that OP's DH will not do any of these things and OP needs to save the day is a stick to beat OP with but it's false and sexist to both OP and her husband.

Stop fannying about about whose responsibility it is, and do some birthday planning op.
Poor kid is being used to make a point.
You two need to get your act together.

Have you found a way to make it the child’s mother’s fault as well?!

Anyone other than dad, amiright?

I don't have step-kids, but that doesn't make me blind to the misogynistic expectations placed on step-mums that are not placed on step-dads.

What's hideous is people trying to browbeat OP into compliance.