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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

639 replies

HailHale · 07/07/2023 08:51

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 07/07/2023 12:59

Batalax · 07/07/2023 12:30

I’d do it this year with my family given his mum is absent. As his mum will be around for other years, it won’t be setting a precedence. Yes it should have been up to dh, but the poor boy needs something arranging.

YES. By his FATHER.

Having a vagina isn’t a requirement of planning a birthday for a child. Nor is having a penis a get-out for giving your own child’s birthday any thought whatsoever.

BadNomad · 07/07/2023 13:01

Hibiscrubbed · 07/07/2023 12:56

Have you found a way to make it the child’s mother’s fault as well?!

Anyone other than dad, amiright?

Show quote history

Eh? You think most parents wouldn't want to know what their child was doing for their birthday? I find that hard to believe.

sandyhappypeople · 07/07/2023 13:04

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 12:54

it’s only be poor child who will be punished if this is the time that the OP makes the point to her husband.

People keep whipping this line out as if it's a trump card, but it isn't. They have bought presents, they will have a birthday tea. The DH does not work on weekends. He knows OP's family will not be organising a party. So he has all the info he needs to book some fun things for his son and see if any of his son's

The assumption that OP's DH will not do any of these things and OP needs to save the day is a stick to beat OP with but it's false and sexist to both OP and her husband.

The assumption that OP's DH will not do any of these things and OP needs to save the day is a stick to beat OP with but it's false and sexist to both OP and her husband.

Surely it's assumed that whoever NORMALLY does these things in the house, will be the one to do it, WHOEVER they are and FOR whoever it's for? Why wouldn't they?

It's not set in stone, but me and DH have fallen into 'roles' in our relationship, I happen to be the 'organiser' as I'm better at it and love doing it. It is not sexist to assume the normal organiser would be the one to organise a birthday celebration. If she needs help/ideas/input/or just doesn't want to do it, she should have made that clear when they knew he would be staying at theirs for his birthday, not let DH fall flat on his face at the last minute, at the detriment of an 8 year old child FFS.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/07/2023 13:09

The DH and his ex NORMALLY sort out their sons birthday though...

FloofCloud · 07/07/2023 13:14

Both DH and I work full time and we manage to organise a birthday party, with friends, meal out and even presents for two children
Your DH needs to take a bit of responsibility here!

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 13:16

sandyhappypeople · 07/07/2023 13:04

The assumption that OP's DH will not do any of these things and OP needs to save the day is a stick to beat OP with but it's false and sexist to both OP and her husband.

Surely it's assumed that whoever NORMALLY does these things in the house, will be the one to do it, WHOEVER they are and FOR whoever it's for? Why wouldn't they?

It's not set in stone, but me and DH have fallen into 'roles' in our relationship, I happen to be the 'organiser' as I'm better at it and love doing it. It is not sexist to assume the normal organiser would be the one to organise a birthday celebration. If she needs help/ideas/input/or just doesn't want to do it, she should have made that clear when they knew he would be staying at theirs for his birthday, not let DH fall flat on his face at the last minute, at the detriment of an 8 year old child FFS.

Show quote history

But that's not what's happening here. As @pillsthrillsandbellyache says, OP never sorts her DSS's sons birthday and yet people here are expecting OP to do it.

SunSurfSand · 07/07/2023 13:18

Just imagining the response if a Mum came on here and said 'I work full time, so why hasn't my husband arranged a bring-a-plate party with his family for my son (his step son) whose birthday is tomorrow?'

longtompot · 07/07/2023 13:23

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time)

@HailHale So SSs mum is the one who usually plans all the parties for him, not both his parents from what you have written here. Has his mum been caring for the relative for a while or was this a sudden thing? I only ask as usually kids parties are organised a few weeks ahead of the day.

If it were me in this situation I would try and organise something so your SS doesn't miss out on his birthday. Maybe his mum was probably going to do something ad hoc similar to what you mentioned in your op. Are you in contact with her? Maybe a quick text, asking if she has organised something as for all you know she has but has forgotten to tell her ex about it due to ill relative. Then, assuming has been planned, go ahead with your idea of a take out or a meal out, whatever the boy wants, see if there is a friend he'd like to join in with it.

I would then be telling my dh that this wasn't ever going to happen again, and that he can, and has the time, to organise his sons birthday party. The only way you would ever be involved would be if you were both jointly organising it.

phoenixrosehere · 07/07/2023 13:25

Caroparo52 · 07/07/2023 12:56

Stop fannying about about whose responsibility it is, and do some birthday planning op.
Poor kid is being used to make a point.
You two need to get your act together.

OP had assumed rightly that her DH had something sorted, not absolutely nothing and expected her to do it for him. She posted:

No of course I wasn't going to ignore him, I've just not arranged a party for him. He has presents obviously and I'd assumed we'd maybe go out for tea, get a takeaway, have a friend over for a sleepover or something. I didn't expect to be expected to arrange a party.

The child’s parents have always done something for his birthday but this is the first year that they seemingly hadn’t planned anything and now it’s OP’s responsibility out of nowhere to do so with the child’s birthday being tomorrow.

I don’t know about you, but birthday conversations happen weeks/months in advance for most parents, step or not especially when there is talks of a party with guests. Her DH has no excuse for not having something planned for his own son nor not bringing it up sooner when he was informed by his ex-wife that she wouldn’t be around. No parent with a lick of sense waits the day before to say they hadn’t planned anything. I bet this is probably one of the reasons he has an ex wife.

Dukekaboom · 07/07/2023 13:25

sandyhappypeople · 07/07/2023 12:48

I can't believe so many people on here think a step parent (of either sex) should have absolutely NO responsibility for a stepchild in their care, 'because it's the other parents job'?? What sort of hideous attitude is that, would it be the same for an adoptive child or a niece/nephew that they were looking after for a while.. if you don't WANT a step child.. do everyone a fucking favour and don't get involved in a relationship with someone with children.

👏👏👏👏👏with bells on

When you enter into a relationship with someone who has a child, you accept a role in their child’s life. If you don’t want it - move on.

sandyhappypeople · 07/07/2023 13:26

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/07/2023 13:09

The DH and his ex NORMALLY sort out their sons birthday though...

yes, outside of their household, but he's IN OPs and DHs household this year with no input from ex, so a little different in these circumstances. If she's the organiser in their household, I think it would be assumed that she do a certain amount of the organising.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 07/07/2023 13:27

arethereanyleftatall · 07/07/2023 09:00

This is absolutely on his father. That is utterly shit parenting. But also, I can't believe you haven't had any conversations yet about it. It's tomorrow.

So, you have an 8 year old boy living with you at the moment, with his father and step mum, and neither of you have thought about his birthday tomorrow? Did the 8 year old see your toddlers celebrations?

This.

Plans should have been set in stone. How can you arrange a sleepover at such short notice?

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/07/2023 13:28

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 12:57

I don't have step-kids, but that doesn't make me blind to the misogynistic expectations placed on step-mums that are not placed on step-dads.

What's hideous is people trying to browbeat OP into compliance.

Show quote history

I know right!

sooooooo much internalised misogyny

why are people not getting worked up about the dad?! It’s HIS child!

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/07/2023 13:30

Dukekaboom · 07/07/2023 13:25

👏👏👏👏👏with bells on

When you enter into a relationship with someone who has a child, you accept a role in their child’s life. If you don’t want it - move on.

Show quote history

@Dukekaboom
@sandyhappypeople

but it IS the dad’s job!

sandyhappypeople · 07/07/2023 13:31

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/07/2023 13:30

@Dukekaboom
@sandyhappypeople

but it IS the dad’s job!

Show quote history

what is the dad's 'job'?

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/07/2023 13:34

sandyhappypeople · 07/07/2023 13:31

what is the dad's 'job'?

Show quote history

@sandyhappypeople

to organise HIS child’s birthday. In conjunction with his mother.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/07/2023 13:35

sandyhappypeople · 07/07/2023 13:26

yes, outside of their household, but he's IN OPs and DHs household this year with no input from ex, so a little different in these circumstances. If she's the organiser in their household, I think it would be assumed that she do a certain amount of the organising.

Show quote history

She hasn't said once she's the organiser though @sandyhappypeople ? In fact her child only had his first little do a couple of weeks ago so that suggests to me that the OP isn't the organiser at all. The fact is, it's her DH who normally organises his sons birthday so he's really dropped the ball this time hasn't he? The OP seemed more than happy to go along with whatever he had planned so she really hasn't done anything wrong here.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 07/07/2023 13:38

This is just awful, I have two stepdaughters and every year me and hubby discuss what we’re doing! This year we had a party for them both with family, party food balloons etc and some party music!

we ordered them a takeaway for later on in the evening so they could watch a film on the sofa.

how on earth have you not discussed his birthday plans? Knowing he’s going to be there on his birthday.

im sorry I don’t agree with the posters saying “he has two parents” no technically he should be able to look at OP as a parent considering the title ‘stepparent’ is used.. when you chose to be in a relationship with a person who already has a child, you at that moment accept the fact you will need to look at that child as your own for the relationship to actually work, otherwise all there will be is resentment from both adults.

you have both been completely thoughtless, his birthday is tomorrow! Your child had a nice birthday bash with family and food etc, he’s going to just have presents to open and actually no plans as of yet of what you’re meant to be doing? This is why stepchildren always draw the short straw! They don’t ask for there parents to separate.

if this was me, I’d message some of the school mums (message stepsons mum and ask if she has any numbers so you can make some sleepover arrangements for him) ask them if there child would like to come sleepover for stepsons birthday, order them a takeaway or do party food, put some decorations and balloons up tonight so it’s all prepared for tomorrow.

or offer for his friends to come over for the day and take them out somewhere like a laser tag zone and get a McDonald’s on the way home.

so long as it looks like you’ve both made some effort! He is at the age now he will remember this, stuff like this can cause rifts between siblings and it’s really not fair.

Sarah061991 · 07/07/2023 13:40

Ridiculous you'd know if a sleepover and tea out was the plan because it would've been discussed. Not saying you should have been the one to plan a party, however, it's tomorrow and neither of you have even spoken about it until now which is ridiculous from both of you

toomuchlaundry · 07/07/2023 13:42

Has no-one asked him what he would like to do

Dukekaboom · 07/07/2023 13:49

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/07/2023 13:34

@sandyhappypeople

to organise HIS child’s birthday. In conjunction with his mother.

Show quote history

Yep, absolutely as I and others have said - of course it is the Dad’s job.
But there is a reason we pick up other people’s rubbish/feed children who come to school hungry when their parents should feed them for example - sometimes the “victim” of someone not doing what they should is different to the person who has failed to do what they should. And as kind, compassionate humans, I don’t understand how anyone can say “well it’s not my job so an 8 year old can suffer”.

Just awful. I feel so so sorry for kids being raised in these environments.

Ridemeginger · 07/07/2023 13:50

The DH wants OP's family to throw a party for his child. She's not saying she wasn't intending to mark his birthday, but she's not roping her own family in for it. Why would she? Do they even know the DSS very well? Would an 8 year old want to spend his birthday having a toddler party with people he hardly knows? I'm sure he'd prefer a day out and tea somewhere fun. The DH is being a complete arsehole - parties are women's work, of course.

Aprilx · 07/07/2023 13:50

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/07/2023 13:28

I know right!

sooooooo much internalised misogyny

why are people not getting worked up about the dad?! It’s HIS child!

Show quote history

Just about everybody has said the dad should have done something.

It is hideous that neither of the adults who are caring for him on the day of his birthday have bothered to do anything. It is particularly hideous that two weeks ago there was a big do for his sibling.

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 13:52

CrazyHedgehogLover · 07/07/2023 13:38

This is just awful, I have two stepdaughters and every year me and hubby discuss what we’re doing! This year we had a party for them both with family, party food balloons etc and some party music!

we ordered them a takeaway for later on in the evening so they could watch a film on the sofa.

how on earth have you not discussed his birthday plans? Knowing he’s going to be there on his birthday.

im sorry I don’t agree with the posters saying “he has two parents” no technically he should be able to look at OP as a parent considering the title ‘stepparent’ is used.. when you chose to be in a relationship with a person who already has a child, you at that moment accept the fact you will need to look at that child as your own for the relationship to actually work, otherwise all there will be is resentment from both adults.

you have both been completely thoughtless, his birthday is tomorrow! Your child had a nice birthday bash with family and food etc, he’s going to just have presents to open and actually no plans as of yet of what you’re meant to be doing? This is why stepchildren always draw the short straw! They don’t ask for there parents to separate.

if this was me, I’d message some of the school mums (message stepsons mum and ask if she has any numbers so you can make some sleepover arrangements for him) ask them if there child would like to come sleepover for stepsons birthday, order them a takeaway or do party food, put some decorations and balloons up tonight so it’s all prepared for tomorrow.

or offer for his friends to come over for the day and take them out somewhere like a laser tag zone and get a McDonald’s on the way home.

so long as it looks like you’ve both made some effort! He is at the age now he will remember this, stuff like this can cause rifts between siblings and it’s really not fair.

How do you expect OP to message these mums? Should she use ESP to guess their phone numbers? And why the mums, why not the dads?

sandyhappypeople · 07/07/2023 13:53

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/07/2023 13:34

@sandyhappypeople

to organise HIS child’s birthday. In conjunction with his mother.

Show quote history

My whole point is it's no ones 'job' you're a couple, a team, you tackle things together, SC mother is indisposed (for a good reason), so the responsibility has fallen on THEM to arrange something equally nice for their C/SC. I'm not saying the dad shouldn't have been organising something for his child, he should 100%, but if OP is the organiser in their relationship, and is quite happy to do that role normally, it's not unreasonable to assume she would be happy to organise for SC as well.

I think they're BOTH being awful, especially in the circumstances, they should both want to do something nice for him to take his mind off what's going on with his mum. Not treat it as a 'not my problem' bullshit point scoring exercise.