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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

639 replies

HailHale · 07/07/2023 08:51

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 07/07/2023 11:27

Who wants to join me in betting that the OP was the one who bought this kid’s presents, and has done the prep that has been done for him..?

Because Sexist Shit Dad’s panic suggests he’s done fuck all and is lashing out at the OP about it.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 07/07/2023 11:28

Get a cake and go out for the day and do something fun. I don’t buy what your husband has said. If he were a grown up and he really didn’t have the time to sort something he could have asked you nicely.

The expectation is shit.

Badbudgeter · 07/07/2023 11:28

I’d of expected his dad to organise a treat. Tbh my 8 yo would not be impressed with step relatives they barely knew in a garden. They’d much rather a fun day out. He can take his son somewhere fun/ special. Family birthday tea with cake when they come back. We just do an afternoon tea with sandwiches, tiny cakes, sausage rolls etc.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/07/2023 11:29

MisschiefMaker · 07/07/2023 11:21

Imagine if he was at his mums and his mum berated the boy's step father for not organising a party for him.

I mean that just wouldn't happen.

It wouldn't even enter anyones head would it? It's not expected of an actual father nevermind a step.
The DH has a day to pull a party out of his arse. I bet he left for work this morning and his sons birthday hasn't entered his head since.

Dukekaboom · 07/07/2023 11:30

This makes me so so sad for the poor little boy. His mum isn’t around and his dad and step mum haven’t even discussed arrangements the day before his birthday. So awful.

As others have said OP - I would be pulling out all the stops to make it a brilliant day for him. Completely accept it’s his dad’s responsibility but I just couldn’t punish the child for his dad’s inaction. By doing nothing you might make the point to your husband but the child will be used horribly to do that.

Doesnt it concern you/massively change how you view your husband that he behaves like this to his old child?!

Quveas · 07/07/2023 11:30

HailHale · 07/07/2023 08:56

No of course I wasn't going to ignore him, I've just not arranged a party for him. He has presents obviously and I'd assumed we'd maybe go out for tea, get a takeaway, have a friend over for a sleepover or something. I didn't expect to be expected to arrange a party.

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable. Dad should have thought about how something got organised a little earlier, because it is his son. But equally you knew the birthday, knew his mum was away (which will be a little hard for him) and didn't even ask what was happening or what arrangements were being made / needed to be made. He may be a SS, but he is part of your family, and I don't think you should have assumed that others would organiser something any more than your DH should have assumed you would sort it.

Hibiscrubbed · 07/07/2023 11:32

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/07/2023 11:29

It wouldn't even enter anyones head would it? It's not expected of an actual father nevermind a step.
The DH has a day to pull a party out of his arse. I bet he left for work this morning and his sons birthday hasn't entered his head since.

Show quote history

Exactly this. It’s a joke. And the sad thing is, plenty of women on here have the same misogynistic mindset.

funinthesun19 · 07/07/2023 11:33

If his mum is away, then his dad should have been taking EXTRA care to sort out his son’s birthday celebration as his father is the only available parent to make a fuss about his son.

It astounds me why he hasn’t done this! Any year but particular this year when his mum is caring for an ill relative.

And instead he’s having a pop at you and your family for not arranging anything. Typical.

ChittyBangabang · 07/07/2023 11:33

It's all your fault as you have a vagina

FinallyLeavingDenver · 07/07/2023 11:36

I'm not my DH's secretary either but I sometimes remind him to do things if I've remembered and he hasn't.

Yes. I might remind my partner of small things like it being bin night so to put the bins out. BUT, I would not expect to have to remind him that’s it’s his own child’s birthday and to organise something! I’d be fucking disgusted to have to do that.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 07/07/2023 11:38

WoolyMammoth55 · 07/07/2023 10:34

OP, no idea if you're still reading. If you are, please understand that all the adults in your SS's life have let him down with regards to his birthday - and given the situation with his mum being away and busy with an extremely ill person, then it's only you and your DH who could reasonably have stepped up.

I agree that the onus is on DH as the bio parent, but YA still BU for not checking in with him - or even with SS - about how you were going to make this birthday special for a little boy who can't be with his mum for sad reasons... It's especially sad given the contrast with the effort you made for your son's birthday. Please don't let him feel that he's the kid no one makes any effort for.

Now's the time to get off the internet and get on the phone inviting friends over and sorting a cake and banner! Then when it's over you can put a boundary down with DH. But if that child has a shit birthday then it won't matter which of you was in the right or in the wrong - just that you let that child down.

^ this, 100%

Run31 · 07/07/2023 11:38

This is awful. Poor boy. I really hope at least 1 of you go out and buy some banners, baloons, a cake, candles and a present and make this wee boy feel thought of on his birthday. And actually speak to each other today & make plans. Imagine this was your own wee boy being treated like this by his dad and step mum, how would you feel? Shame on you both. Terrible!

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 07/07/2023 11:39

Imagine if he was at his mums and his mum berated the boy's step father for not organising a party for him.

I mean that just wouldn't happen.

no, but what would or should happen would be to berate the step father for keeping quiet and well away from it all, and expecting and assuming that the mother would deal with the 2 children and he could have the weekend off!

One 3 year old, let alone an 8 year old birthday boy, yes, both parents are involved at what's happening at the weekend. It's both parents responsibilities to deal with the kids.

Not discussing anything with your partner, how do you both know when the other is available or wanting to do something and you can have some child-free time, or time to do whatever every working parent has to do at the weekend?

GrapeHyacinth · 07/07/2023 11:39

MisschiefMaker · 07/07/2023 11:21

Imagine if he was at his mums and his mum berated the boy's step father for not organising a party for him.

I mean that just wouldn't happen.

Exactly!

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 07/07/2023 11:40

FinallyLeavingDenver · 07/07/2023 11:36

I'm not my DH's secretary either but I sometimes remind him to do things if I've remembered and he hasn't.

Yes. I might remind my partner of small things like it being bin night so to put the bins out. BUT, I would not expect to have to remind him that’s it’s his own child’s birthday and to organise something! I’d be fucking disgusted to have to do that.

but it wouldn't even occur to you to ASK what the plans are, if only to know if they are suitable for the 3 year old to join in, or who is expected to look after said 3 year old etc.?

Codlingmoths · 07/07/2023 11:42

dontbejealousofmyartisticflair · 07/07/2023 11:40

but it wouldn't even occur to you to ASK what the plans are, if only to know if they are suitable for the 3 year old to join in, or who is expected to look after said 3 year old etc.?

Show quote history

Umm she knows the answer to that second one, no need to ask. Looking after the 3 year old while any birthday celebrations for ds happen is entirely her job!

funinthesun19 · 07/07/2023 11:45

Imagine if he was at his mums and his mum berated the boy's step father for not organising a party for him.

I mean that just wouldn't happen.

It wouldn’t, because more than likely the mum will have organised it and would have been planning it for weeks with all the build up and excitement as the day approaches.
This is another example where stepdads have it easier, because the mum is so on the ball with her own child that the stepdad just has to slot himself in and be amazing without really giving it any headspace.

BadNomad · 07/07/2023 11:45

Why would he assume you would get your family to throw a party for SS when that's not something you've ever done before? I would have assumed he had arranged something like he does every year. I don't even see why the ex completely washed her hands off this just because she's not around.

TeleTropes · 07/07/2023 11:46

Sorry, why is the mental load on OP to make sure DSS has a good birthday? Because she’s female?! She knows there are presents, and is willing to do whatever ‘treat’ in the evening, the kid’s birthday isn’t forgotten.

She is not obliged to think about it before then when he had two capable parents of doing that. Have his grandparents arranged a party? The next door neighbour? His best friend’s parents? There are a lot of people who know this kid is about to have a birthday, and very few who are responsible for making sure a party gets thrown. OP is in the latter category.

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 11:47

Exactly this. It’s a joke. And the sad thing is, plenty of women on here have the same misogynistic mindset.

No, not in the slightest. I'll let you in on a secret, if you don't want your husband to treat you like unpaid staff, don't marry a lazy, selfish, misogynist arsehole and have a kid with him.

If you fuck that step up, get out of the relationship but don't, at any point, use a child's birthday to prove a point.

FrenchBoule · 07/07/2023 11:48

Seeing as DSS’s mum is away fir a very valid readon your “D”H should have steppen in and organize HIS son’s birthday.

Working all week? Take a fecking day off then to make your child’s birthday celebration happen or at least communicate with your DW.

Easiest to do FA and blame somebody else?
Lazy,sexist,uncaring bloke.

Dixiechickonhols · 07/07/2023 11:49

Gosh he’s appalling I couldn’t be with someone like this.
He is a terrible father did nothing for your toddler or his own son on their birthday.
You shouldn’t have to but I’d make day nice for your poor little ss.

MostlyBlueberryFlavoured · 07/07/2023 11:51

HailHale · 07/07/2023 08:56

No of course I wasn't going to ignore him, I've just not arranged a party for him. He has presents obviously and I'd assumed we'd maybe go out for tea, get a takeaway, have a friend over for a sleepover or something. I didn't expect to be expected to arrange a party.

When was the sleepover going to be arranged? The birthday is tomorrow? Yes, your partner is a useless twit but you seem happy to throw an 8-year-old child under the bus. Grow up the pair of you, and if you don't care about your stepson then exit the relationship.

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 11:51

If OP had reminded him, no doubt he would have tried to pull the working man card and asked her to organise it.

I don't know why people are acting like the earth has fallen arounf their ears, there is still time for him to organise birthday treats for his son. The birthday could be next weekend. Theu have sorted presents which is the main thing so DH needs to just organise a fun activities.

Given her DH is trying to offload organising onto OP, it's likely he doesn't know his kid's friends or their parents so wouldn't have contact details for them anyway.

Are people expecting OP to pull a miracle?

laveritable · 07/07/2023 11:51

Sorry OP! It cost nothing to be kind! As a mum just arrange cakes, snacks and Macdonalds for the child!