Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

[HailHale]

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

Nobody is blaming the OP for not sorting anything originally. It absolutely should be up to Useless Dad. What people are blaming the OP for is knowing that absolutely nothing has been arranged for the birthday of an 8 year old and being fine with that so long as it lets her make a point with her DH.

Honestly I couldn't imagine not making a fuss over a child on their birthday, if their mum was away looking after a poorly family member. And my family wouldn't hesitate either.

I find this whole thing of he's just your stepson odd. He's part of your family.

Granted, your partner needs to communicate better. But I can understand him assuming you'd do the same for both children.

Your communication is bizarre. How do you get to the day before and have not discussed a child of your family’s birthday?

Its your husband's responsibility to take the lead on this. He's fucked up, feels guilty and panicked and is blaming you.

However, you can't have an 8 year old not having a proper birthday especially if he's not with his mum and another family member is ill. I would rustle something up and make it lovely. Not necessarily with your family thought it would be thoughtful if they could send cards at least, or pop in for cake.

In fact, OP, ask your family to mess around now. Your H is being a shit, but they child needs to feel the love more than you need to stand on a point of principle. Deal with that later.

Fully agree. Sounds like a massive lack of communication between the parents, both at fault to some degree for not discussing plans.

There’s just no words! Fair enough it’s DH son, but would it have killed you to bring up the conversation. I absolutely wouldn’t mind organising something nice for my step child

I don't understand the assumption since the younger son's bday celebration was just a lowkey celebration with OP's family. The equivalent celebration for OP's stepson would be a lowkey celebration with SS's mum's family or SS's dad's family.

This is completely on OP's DH. Yes OP could have asked him what they were doing for SS"s birthday and reminded him about it, but OP is not his secretary. It was on him to make SS feel loved on his bday and we can tell that he just assumes it's a woman's job rather than a parent's job. Clearly SS's mum has been doing all the bday labour up until this point. Sad that no school friends have been invited round and it's been left too late to organise something now.

Poor kid. You and your husband are both massively unreasonable.

But she is involved? She mentions presents, going out for tea etc.

Why does she have to organise it all?

Did yous have much notice of the mum not having him? He is young enough to be easy pleased. Take him out somewhere the 4 of you or just him and dad. But yes 💯 not your job to sort it. His dad is probably feeling guilty and putting on you but he hasn’t bothered. I’m sure he had 10mins on his phone at work to book softplay/bowling or something. Did he buy the gifts?

The way I see it is that your DH has deferred to his ex-wife in the past to organise a party for his son. This year he appears to be deferring to you to organise something and expecting your family to rock up to celebrate too.

Two things here - firstly, does your DH not see that it is HIS job to organise anything for his son? Secondly, do you have the budget to be able to put together something, anything at this short notice? Can you order balloons to be delivered tomorrow? Do you (meaning your DH and you) have a gift for his birthday?

When your SS has gone back to his mum, I think you need to have a serious conversation with your DH about blended families and who has to step up for whom for birthdays and events. Passing it off as 'wife work' just won't wash. He's busy but is he that busy that he can't pick up his phone and order something for his son?

Reminds me of conversation I had with BIL (mid twenties at the time) just a few short weeks after SIL death and he had started dating someone.

He had started dating someone who was a bit younger, wasn't really his type and he wasn't hers either (chalk and cheese), and I was tentatively asking him if he was ready, and he bluntly said he just needed someone who was ok to raise his son (two at the time) and it didn't matter if he loved them he could live with "anyone", it didn't matter who.

The marriage lasted 12 painful years as his wife tried to make it work, she tried to excuse his behaviour with grief over the death of his first wife (suicide) and being left a lone parent (for 8 weeks before she moved in!). They had another child which caused further tensions and she eventually had enough of it.

They are both in new relationships now with people who make them happy which is great. Both kids were collateral damage to all the drama.

Have some compassion, the child is 8 and birthdays are important when you are young.
With Mum being away the child has enough upheaval.
Rather than point score do the right thing and give the child a day where they feel special and loved then sort out your lack of communication after.
The childs birthday isn’t an occasion to prove a point.

Poor kid with mum not being here. Your dh has been an absolute ass not thinking about his sons birthday before now.
No I wouldn't organise family. I would put up balloons and banner to surprise him tom morning. Birthday breakfast of fav foods. Then tell dh you are both taking both kids out for the day to do something fun.

Hmm. No, I don't agree on that.

It was totally on the dad to take the lead here and he is being crap and totally unreasonable to have done nothing. No argument there.

But, it is also bang out of order to watch someone drop the ball like this for an 8 year old's birthday. I don't for a single second believe that op really thought her husband had planned something without mentioning it.

Should she have to remind him? No
Should she have to organise it all? No
Is it reasonable to allow an 8 year old to have a last minute, thoughtless birthday to prove a point? No

Op could have set boundaries on this without letting the kid down.

He's a child and he lives in your home. Both children should be treated the same. If you knew it was his birthday and his Mum was away then you should have raised this with your husband weeks ago. I'm presuming he had nothing to do with organising your toddlers party yet you think he's going to step up for his son. All three of you are raising him and all three need to work together. Even if that means that sometimes they are useless and you have to nudge them.

Imagine if he was at his mums and his mum berated the boy's step father for not organising a party for him.

I mean that just wouldn't happen.

So his mum is away, you are looking after him.....your husband is not saying anything. You didn’t think to mention it?

Poor kid! How wound you feel if it was your kid?

He is 8 years old and a child, innocent of anything that has gone on between adults......

feel sorry for him, being stuck with you as a step mum.

the obvious first answer to your DHs question is "the time for this conversation isn't now, it was 3 weeks ago"

So he's busy? too busy to arrange something for his son? I worked full time, as did my DH and we managed to arrange something for our DCs birthdays. We talked about it since their birthdays don't come up as a huge surprise to us every year.

It is a batshit assumption that your family should treat a child that isn't actually related to them the same way they treat your joint son. DH needs to step up here, at least with the ideas and prep beforehand, even if you, OP, do take over some of the execution of the plans.

For single women reading this thread - if you start dating a man with a young child, there's fairly good odds that he's not looking for a partner, he's looking for childcare (so that he doesn't have to pay CM) with sex and cleaning on tap.

FFS

and dating a woman with young children, there's odds they are looking for a bank account and not having to work anymore, and someone taking over the garden/ DIY/ Cars?

Anymore stereotypes to put us down, trying to make women look like naive idiots?

Why is it down to you to invite your side of the family to a party and your DH not to arrange something with his side of the family? I'd have assumed if SS wanted a party he would have discussed it with his Dad before now, and something would have been mentioned to you. I think YANBU to go for a nice day and meal. Of course it's on your DH if he hasn't mentioned wanting you to arrange a party prior to the day before!

Yes OP could have asked him what they were doing for SS"s birthday and reminded him about it, but OP is not his secretary.

And this isn't a points scoring exercise. Once it became obvious that nothing was planned, OP could have pointed out to DH that he would need to sort something in the absence of SS's mother, and maybe, not because she was obliged to, because it's something that people do when they are married and actually like each other, offer to help with some of the organising so DS wasn't disappointed.

I'm not my DH's secretary either but I sometimes remind him to do things if I've remembered and he hasn't.

You coming back @HailHale ?

I'd think they were both out of order.