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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

639 replies

HailHale · 07/07/2023 08:51

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 08/07/2023 11:46

Merry05 · 08/07/2023 11:00

At no point did I mention OP should have thrown a party.

The point I’m making is OP and her husband are his adults. Responsible for him, while it’s his birthday and neither of them have made any consideration about how to make him feel special on his birthday.

OP asking if she was being unreasonable by not expecting her family to be involved. I think it is unreasonable as by extension her family is the little boys family, I think all children should be shown love from the adults in their life. Step families or not. There should be no different from OPs family for the little boy as OP choose to be part of little boys life, the little boy had no choice in who his step family are.

I am of the opinion that it you choose to marry someone with a child of a previous relationship then you don’t look at the child as an outsider but welcome them into your life and consider them as one of your own.

I am of the opinion that it you choose to marry someone with a child of a previous relationship then you don’t look at the child as an outsider but welcome them into your life and consider them as one of your own.

And the mother of this child absolutely disagrees with your opinion. You can talk about what you expect and what you would do in this situation but the mum in this situation believes completely different and has made this well-known to the OP from the start how much she wants OP to be involved.

OP believed and expected that there was something planned as there have always been without her input or presence and prepared to spend the day however it was planned by her stepson’s parents and presents were bought so she wasn’t expecting to do nothing for her stepson’s birthday.

As it has been said by several posters and OP herself her AIBU is about her not throwing a party for her stepson with her family when she has never done so (and never allowed to participate in his) before and on extremely short notice. She has not said anything, anywhere that she wasn’t going to celebrate his birthday.

tidalway · 08/07/2023 12:02

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aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2023 12:08

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Absolutely daft. The only thing that has happened is a step parent didn't read their partner's mind and assume they wanted a party planned with absolutely no indication. If you find that sad life must be very tough for you.

CurlewKate · 08/07/2023 12:09

If the OP's family are happy to be involved in a party for her 3 year old, then they should be happy to be involved in a party for her 8 year old step son. He's been part of the wider family for at least 4 years!

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2023 12:11

CurlewKate · 08/07/2023 12:09

If the OP's family are happy to be involved in a party for her 3 year old, then they should be happy to be involved in a party for her 8 year old step son. He's been part of the wider family for at least 4 years!

My step son has met my family 5 or 6 times in more years than that. They are not part of each others family, wide or otherwise. Not everybody's families are the same.

whumpthereitis · 08/07/2023 12:19

it’s clearly assumed that the kids actual father can’t be counted on, so a stepmother MUST step up lest she be cast as the devil.

“You shouldn’t have to, but really you should - think of the children!”

YANBU.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/07/2023 12:20

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Re-read your script about arguing dc, it reads very much as the one who knows they should be doing it trying to coerce the other. I'd be ashamed of myself if one of my dc were behaving like that and support the dc who was being coerced.

Yes it is appalling the same as the dad in this situation dumping everything on the op.

Besides the boy doesn't need a party, isn't expecting a party and they can still spoil him without a party.

Ontheperiphery79 · 08/07/2023 13:56

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Stompythedinosaur · 08/07/2023 15:06

Clearly your dp is a shit dad.

Not your responsibility to arrange to celebrate his birthday, but as an adult in a house with a dc who is being treated poorly in comparison to his sibling, because of his df's lack of care and interest, I think most people would have tried to compensate for the sake of the dc.

MachineBee · 08/07/2023 17:07

OP - YANBU. I hope you’ve all had a nice day whatever has been arranged at short notice to celebrate your DSSs birthday.

To PPs saying he will have seen a ‘fabulous’ party for his much younger half-sibling and be upset that he’s not getting the same, I say ‘don’t be ridiculous. He’s an 8 year old boy - he will have just seen a lot of grown ups sitting around chatting, having cake and tea/wine and playing childish games. He won’t have realised the effort that went into it. As long as he has presents, lots of sweets/cake/ice cream, time with his Dad and possibly his SM, perhaps a call or FaceTime with his DM in the morning he’ll be fine and happy his birthday has been acknowledged.

HeckyPeck · 08/07/2023 17:43

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A better analogy would be if you had forbidden Child A setting the table, knowing about table setting arrangements or even sitting at the table as it's not his table, then weeks later having a go at Child A for not setting the table because you forgot to.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 08/07/2023 17:44

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Did you miss the part where he has a dad?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 08/07/2023 17:53

AppleCinnamonBagel · 07/07/2023 09:12

Poor lad. As soon as you knew he'd be with you for his birthday why didn't you ask your DH what he had in mind for his son's birthday? Have you asked your stepson what he'd like to do, who he'd like to invite?

He's 8. He'll have seen the fuss made over your child and will be wondering/hoping he'll be getting similar.

He's part of your family so make him feel like it! He's blood relative to your toddler!

Hope you pull a last minute rabbit out of the hat and make his birthday fantastic.

Why is it up to op to ask what that child’s father has planned? She was left to plan her own dc’s birthday by herself surely it’s up to the father to plan his child’s birthday.

Op has never been involved in planning dsc’s birthday before, I bet she wouldn’t even know who to ask or have the contact details, and I’m sure dsc wouldn’t be impress with a tea party with op’s family, so wtf should it be left to her rather than the child’s own dad? And why the fuck hasn’t he thought about it until now?

tidalway · 08/07/2023 17:58

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CurlewKate · 08/07/2023 18:19

"Why is it up to op to ask what that child’s father has planned? She was left to plan her own dc’s birthday by herself surely it’s up to the father to plan his child’s birthday."

Of COURSE it is-but he didn't.

CurlewKate · 08/07/2023 18:21

And they need to have a serious conversation about it. But not leaving an 8 year old as collateral damage....

whumpthereitis · 08/07/2023 18:50

CurlewKate · 08/07/2023 18:19

"Why is it up to op to ask what that child’s father has planned? She was left to plan her own dc’s birthday by herself surely it’s up to the father to plan his child’s birthday."

Of COURSE it is-but he didn't.

And he’ll continue not to if OP relents and does it for him. The father is pretty much expected to not do it, but it’s the stepmother that is berated for not thinking to plan something for an event she’s never previously been involved in organizing. As if she’s more responsible for the kid than his actual father is.

janinak84 · 08/07/2023 19:06

I absolutely agree

CurlewKate · 08/07/2023 19:56

"And he’ll continue not to if OP relents and does it for him."

I agree. But the child must not be collateral damage.

whumpthereitis · 08/07/2023 20:24

CurlewKate · 08/07/2023 19:56

"And he’ll continue not to if OP relents and does it for him."

I agree. But the child must not be collateral damage.

And that isn’t OP’s fault. It isn’t up to her to take responsibility for the father’s failings. It’s not the job of women to pick up after men, but that’s what the emotional blackmail of ‘think of the childrennnnn’ is putting on women.

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2023 20:31

And that isn’t OP’s fault. It isn’t up to her to take responsibility for the father’s failings. It’s not the job of women to pick up after men, but that’s what the emotional blackmail of ‘think of the childrennnnn’ is putting on women.

Agreed. It isn't fair to expect a woman to accept a lifetime of misogynistic expectations just so a child doesn't have to have an outing planned on the day instead of a party.

CurlewKate · 08/07/2023 20:51

As I keep saying-no, it's not the OP's fault or the OP's responsibility. And if there wasn't a child involved I'd be right up there with saying let him take the consequences. But there is a child involved. And the child, frustrating and annoying and unfair as it is, has to come first.

whumpthereitis · 08/07/2023 20:57

CurlewKate · 08/07/2023 20:51

As I keep saying-no, it's not the OP's fault or the OP's responsibility. And if there wasn't a child involved I'd be right up there with saying let him take the consequences. But there is a child involved. And the child, frustrating and annoying and unfair as it is, has to come first.

But that is what you’re saying: ‘it’s not your responsibility, but it really is. If you don’t step up and the kid’s upset as a result, you’re wrong’.

If it’s neither her fault nor her responsibility then no, it is not on her to step up, and it’s not her fault if the father’s failure upset the kid.

whumpthereitis · 08/07/2023 20:58

And no, she doesn’t have to accept it and swallow the unfairness and frustration in the name of ‘the kid coming first’.

phoenixrosehere · 08/07/2023 21:02

CurlewKate · 08/07/2023 20:51

As I keep saying-no, it's not the OP's fault or the OP's responsibility. And if there wasn't a child involved I'd be right up there with saying let him take the consequences. But there is a child involved. And the child, frustrating and annoying and unfair as it is, has to come first.

Who says they’re not going to?

An outing of the child’s choosing with tea and cake will likely be more preferable than a thrown together party of OP’s family members that the child has only met a handful of times over the years OP’s been with his dad except for OP’s parents.

Regardless of what happens, even if the child enjoys the day, OP is likely going to be blamed for something. Her husband annoyed with her for not having her family drop whatever plans they have on extremely short notice for his son or if she did do so, the mum upset with OP for throwing a party for her son when OP is not the parent as she has been told repeatedly by this mum.