Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

[HailHale]

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

Obviously not a party. That's ludicrous. A birthday breakfast, trip to the zoo, cinema, pool, amusement Park, anywhere fun. A birthday meal in a kid friendly place, birthday ice creams.

A promise that dad is getting his party ready for next week when hopefully mum will be home and won't have to miss his special day.

Obviously it's not down to you to organise it- but I can't imagine a household where any child's birthday wasn't discussed. Particularly if his mum is away. Surely, even if it's not your responsibility you would have said "What's happening about Fred's birthday?"
Particularly if Fred had seen his sibling having a party...

I don't understand why DH expects OP's family to be involved in the planning. They are not related.

If grandparents are required to step up then DH needs to tell the real grandparents not expect unrelated people to do what he should be doing.

He's a lazy prick, OP.

Why do you think that’s not happening? OP is more than happy to go out with them?

She can’t promise a party next week, she doesn’t know his friends parents. DSS may be back with mum. If the party doesn’t happen that wound be unfair to the boy.

My family is blended. My DD is from a previous relationship. My partner, her step father and his family have never missed her birthday, Christmas or Easter for that matter and make just as much of a fuss over her as they do their biological grand kids, nieces and nephews. It would break my heart to bring my daughter into a family that didn’t see her as their own and make her feel like the Step Kid. I wouldn’t have married him if his family wasn’t so welcoming and loving towards her.

I think it is quite off that you and your family are making the difference with this little boy, he is a child who had no choice when you came into his life, but you certainly did, if you and your family see him as less than your own child because you didn’t birth him, you and your family need to grow up.

That being said, I would fully expect his father to be more proactive in at least discussions about his birthday. Still not really getting over the fact that because he is the step child you feel its unreasonable to ask your family to show him the same love and adoration as your child. He is a child.

Both you and your husband need to have a look at yourself and get a grip. It’s a really sh!tty thing for that little boy to have neither of his adults (taking his mum out of equation) to make plans for his birthday!

I agree this notion of OPs family coming round is unrealistic, this is just a red herring thrown up by DH to cover for the fact that he hasn’t done enough.

Unrealistic at short notice anyway

@Merry05 I think your post explains it well. Would certainly be what families could aim for, sometimes might be tricky to achieve but yeah, more love and family support instead of treating things like a to do list to fight over.

Must we really go back to the absolute basics of explaining that there are many different, equally valid levels of involvement step parents and by extension their families can have with their step children, and that when we're taking about a non resident SC who does not live with you full time, it is highly unlikely they will be as close to their SP and her family as everyone involved is to their own relations? Maybe do some reading - many, many different dynamics exist out there other than the one that works for you.

But his mum didn’t make plans either? She’s had weeks to organise something (as did the dad?)

Here here!!!

My point still stands, it’s an 8 year old child. Why shouldn’t he be made to feel special by all of his family on his birthday. Step or otherwise!

@Merry05 i totally agree.

My dp has been ‘step dad’ to my dd for 15 years. I cannot imagine him ever treating her differently to our shared children.

That poor boy. I really hope they are doing something to make him feel special and loved today

His SM planned to give him presents and take him for dinner or such like. Which is plenty, and plenty of thought from a step parent that's generally not very involved due to the dynamic at play.

Again, presumably another full time, resident step parent. Not everyone is in that situation. It is different.

And with a mum who has actively said she doesn’t want OP doing things for DSS.

Step@-mums can’t win.

As OP has said, mum is not around. So he is in the care of OP and husband. Both knew they would be caring for him and responsible for making this little guy feel special on his birthday. Particularly more so given he will likely be missing his mum on his birthday.

Still think it’s really poor of OP and Husband to put in zero effort to make sure an 8 year old kid in their care is celebrated on his birthday. I’m sorry but family politics don’t need to be a factor just being a decent human and recognising that the little guy will be turning 8 and no one has considered him.

If the mum and dad didn’t want a party, why do you think OP should have foreseen having a party? Your point makes no sense.

Now I know you’re being deliberately obtuse.

There hasn’t been zero effort. They have the whole weekend to make a fuss of DSS and give him presents.

DSS has been with his dad since Tuesday and even then OP wasn’t told where DSS would be on his birthday.

Surely that depends on who he sees as family? We don't even know if he sees the OP as a parental figure. We don't know if he sees her family as his family. I have a stepmother. I don't see her family as my family. I don't see her as another parent. I have stepchildren. They don't see me as a mother figure. I'm their dad's partner. Everyone is happy with that. No one is traumatised or "poor SC". They'd think I'd lost my mind if I invited my parents to their birthdays. Every family is different.

At no point did I mention OP should have thrown a party.

The point I’m making is OP and her husband are his adults. Responsible for him, while it’s his birthday and neither of them have made any consideration about how to make him feel special on his birthday.

OP asking if she was being unreasonable by not expecting her family to be involved. I think it is unreasonable as by extension her family is the little boys family, I think all children should be shown love from the adults in their life. Step families or not. There should be no different from OPs family for the little boy as OP choose to be part of little boys life, the little boy had no choice in who his step family are.

I am of the opinion that it you choose to marry someone with a child of a previous relationship then you don’t look at the child as an outsider but welcome them into your life and consider them as one of your own.

I don't think you can leave the mum out as she was only called away on Tuesday so she hasn't had anything arranged either. If she arranged a party the invites etc would have already gone out.

You are not understanding. It is not about "family politics", it's about the fact that, especially when you don't even live with the child full time and their "main" parent, who makes the vast majority of decisions to do with them, is the other parent who they live with most of the time, with dad himself being pretty secondary to that.... it's pretty common to not be that involved. Especially in a way that could be considered parental. It's also pretty likely that your family will have rarely, if ever, interacted with them, they won't view them as family, and in return the SC will not view them as family or even give them thought. The SP will not view the SC as their own, and the SC will certainly not view their SP as their parent.

When this is your reality - and believe it or not it is very common and devoid of upset feelings in situations where a SC visits a NRP, you aren't going to suddenly assume a parental role you have never assumed before out of nowhere. You will just unthinkingly carry on the role you have always played.

OP asking if she was being unreasonable by not expecting her family to be involved. I think it is unreasonable as by extension her family is the little boys family, I think all children should be shown love from the adults in their life. Step families or not.

This isn't true, though. People aren't automatically "family". You can't just present your parents with an unrelated child and say "this is your grandchild now". You also can't present your parents to a child and say "These are your grandparents now so call them granny and granda." That's not how life works. Your life choices don't create obligation in other people.

The child isn’t going to know anything about the disagreements in background between the adults and the fact that OP rightfully got his dad to take responsibility for his birthday. That literally has no impact on him because he won’t know.

All he’s bothered about is his birthday. How that celebration came to be is irrelevant in his little head. It just… happens. It could be a complete stranger who arranged it all and he still wouldn’t know.

And if he does find out that his dad organised it and his stepmum didn’t, how on earth is that a bad thing? I struggle to find any sympathy about that.