Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

[HailHale]

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

Yeah, well. We're not going to agree. But strong sibling relationships and happy, confident children who feel secure and important and are never, ever used as pawns in adult power plays are the key to a successful blended family.

OP isn’t the one involved in a power play, or using the kid as a pawn, she’s simply continuing as she always has done. It’s up to the kid’s father to be his father and parent. If he doesn’t then that’s on him. Not OP.

I don’t think there’s any one key to a successful blended family, but dumping parental duties onto a stepparent, without so much as a word, and expecting the stepparent to be okay with that (and suck up the frustration, annoyance, and unfairness, which you have acknowledged it is) probably isn’t one.

No, clearly we’re not going to agree at all.

Not your kid and not your problem. The mom couldn't be around but her and ur husband should have talked and sorted something out for their kid. YNTA in this situation. Like you stated u got presents and assumed ur husband had planned a sleepover or a tea or something. Ur not his parent. His parents have sorted it every other year so why not this year?

The bitterness you’re feeling may be your own. The people agreeing with OP aren’t using language like yours.

The world needs more people like you! Thank you!

You’re welcome 😳

I wonder how the kids birthday went...

All of this makes me so sad. He’s a kid, it’s his birthday. Neither adult who will be with him on the actual day has put much thought into it and left it until the last minute. He’s not a tennis ball, please pull yourselves together and give him something to celebrate. Poor little sod.

More like if you’re the dad don’t bother. Apparently if the stepmother doesn’t pick up the slack (from, you know, the actual fucking parent) she’ll sure as shit get the blame from some people.

I’m fairly sure the little boy in question will have had a nice day, given that presents etc were already in place for him. They probably went out for the day. A party (with your step mums family of all people) is not the only way to have a nice birthday.

I’m even more sure the op will not being coming back to this thread to update, and why would she, given the responses.

If you say so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why would she need to ask or remind the dad? He’s a capable, grown ass man that presumably knows when his own kid was born, and has had years planing celebrations with the child’s mother. OP has never been involved, so hardly surprising that she wouldn’t think to involve herself now.

By all means ask if you want to, but it shouldn't make any material difference to whether something is planned (as dad should have done it) and therefore, it shouldn't really matter either way whether you ask. It's certainly not therefore your fault if it doesn't happen.

A lot of people on here sound like the kind of people who would blame their partner for not reminding them if they forgot to do something, rather than blaming themselves. It's bizarre.

Why? Because there's an 8 year old boy stuck in the middle of the selfish pack of adults, and how he feels ought to matter to all of them.

You've never reminded a partner to pick up milk, to book annual leave, to book the car in for a service, to drop off letters.... Bet you have. Do those things matter more than an 8 year old's feelings?

You've never reminded a partner to pick up milk, to book annual leave, to book the car in for a service, to drop off letters.... Bet you have. Do those things matter more than an 8 year old's feelings?

I've also regularly not thought to remind him of those things, as in my mind I would have just assumed he would remember and not spent time thinking about it. Would it therefore have been my fault if he forgot to do those things?

As a long standing step mother, this thread and the responses sums up the situation perfectly.

You're damned if you do, and if you don't. You're interfering or not bothered.
Trying to be the parent, not accepting you're a parent.

Whatever, it will be your fault.

You've never said "remember to get milk". Amazing how determined some people are to hold onto a point.

Sometimes I have, sometimes I haven’t. Depends if I remember myself, and it depends on whether I believe that someone actually needs reminding. I generally don’t think to remind my husband of things he has never demonstrated a propensity to forget about, no.

This father didn’t expect to just be reminded of his own child’s birthday though, he expected her to have made plans for it so he didn’t have to.

Why would OP need to remind her husband of his own son’s birthday? His birthday wasn’t forgotten, the OP and her DH had bought presents as do they every year. OP assumed her husband has hir son’s birthday in hand, as she’s kept out of ot every year.

I don't drink milk so it would never occur to me to remind DP to get some for himself. He should know when the milk is running out seeing as he is the one who uses it.

DH often reminds me of things I might have forgotten and vice versa if I think he's forgotten something.

Would your DH forget his own son's birthday? I mean, that doesn't even matter because the OP's DH hadn't forgotten his son's birthday. He just hadn't done anything for it.