Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

[HailHale]

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

I have step children. I don’t treat them as my own, because they are not. Nor would they want to behave like as though they were, they have two parents and I am not one of them.

The fact I do more for them in my non-parenting role than their mother does ,as their actual mother, is neither here nor there.

So only biologic parents step up? Really? Yes he is out of line but she needs to tell him that. Does not mean she should not step up too? That's bended families.

birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum

So mim has organised everything and husband has thrown some money towards the present and not actually made any effort towards the party?

This is your husbands job. Not your parents.

Depending on what they do it's not necessarily a two person job, though. He can book tickets for something himself. By all means he could discuss plans with her and potentially ask for help if help is required, but quite likely that's all there is to it.

We didn't know until Tuesday that he'd be with us as its all been quite rushed with the situation with his mum, we also didn't know if she'd be back or not as she was hoping to be only a couple of days its all a bit up in the air.

So ex and husband had nothing planned less than a week before their child's birthday? Eventhough they always organise it and don't even invite you. There was no mention of the birthday when the son was picked up or when she informs him of the situation with the family member? No thought of a party when the husband was shopping for presents? He just assumed that your extended family would throw a party to a boy whose party they have never been invited to or even the step mother has never been invited to.

How on earth have you and his father not had the sense to discuss this little boy's birthday? Poor lad.

He's an 8 year old. He's staying with you, whilst his own mother is away looking after a very unwell member of the family, I think it's not unreasonable to expect both of you could have made a little more effort.

If the memory he has of his 8th birthday was that his mother was away and nobody really bothered about making it a bit special, then that's a real shame.

Oh, and don't be surprised if he holds it against either of you just a little bit when he's older.

The mother made that known from the beginning. The mother has constantly reminded OP that she is not a parent nor has a parental role to the point that she has never included OP in the planning or invited her to one of her son’s birthday parties and you blame OP for that? OP has literally said that the mum barely even talks to her and everything is through DH.

Now OP is supposed to all of a sudden be a mind reader and expect to pull a party out of her bum for parents who somehow couldn’t plan their own son’s birthday like they have for years. Most parents here would say they had something planned at least four-six weeks in advance if it was a class party, less than that if it was just a friend and doing something. The mum only just flew out Tuesday so how is it nothing was planned whatsoever or discussed between mother and father about how to proceed. I can understand there being an ill relative and her having to fly but I don’t buy there was no time or chance for a phone call to discuss this between both parents.

There are gifts so obviously he wasn’t forgotten and likely OP, her DH or both have asked what his son would like to do for the day and something is or will be planned once his mum comes back.

Have you RTFT? DSS came to OP’s on Tuesday and even then OP didn’t know where he was having his birthday.

Neither mum or dad seemed to want a party, they’ve had weeks and weeks to organise one.

Exactly. I agree. My dh only have a child together. But if I were in a different situation or if I end up being a step grandma, darn right I would try very hard to treat them the same as any biological grandchildren.

Even the child’s mum says you shouldn’t be doing things with DSS because he’s not your son?

What a lot of completely irrelevant words. Is this a c&p response? Because it has nothing to do with my post.

If, as you say, the mum and op have no direct communication and everything goes through the POS dad, then how do we know that Mr POS isn't just keeping the two women apart on purpose? Maybe op wouldn't have had a child with him if she'd ever had an actual conversation with his ex? Who knows, it's all speculation!

What I do hold op accountable for is choosing to marry and procreate with such a lazy, useless, awful father. It can't have just come as a sudden surprise to her that he's like this. We are judged by the company we keep - and she married him.

I would also hold to account any adult who wouldn't feel compelled to lavish love and attention on this little boy while his mum is away, his dad is clearly a waste of oxygen, and the child is a guest in their home. (If course I don't think a child should feel like a guest in their father's house but this poor boy obviously isn't considered to be a part of the family there).

In the OP's shoes, I'd be asking the child's father what he had planned to do for his birthday, in the absence of the child's mother. I wouldn't make any assumptions at all about his father's ability to do anything at all.

In the absence of any plan on the part of the boy's father, I'd be asking the boy what he'd like to do, and whom he'd like to do it with, and then I'd be facilitating it.

This is the only reasonable and kind thing to do for the child. It's also one of many reasons why I wouldn't have taken on anyone else's children - because I am only really interested in my own children, not someone else's, and a child deserves to be treated as if they are an integral part of the family, not an inconvenience.

Anything else is point-scoring.

I can't see where the OP has said the ex wife has had to fly anywhere. The DH's family is abroad. No mention of the mother's family being overseas too. I wonder where they are and why they are not stepping up for their grandson's birthday. Seems that everyone related by blood to this child is absolved from responsibility, and it is down to the OP and her family (who barely know him) to make sure he is not scarred for life, because he didn't have a birthday tea party with stranger step family.

The OP has already said she has no way of getting in touch with the boy's friends. The father has to step up to do this, but I suspect he's fucking clueless and leaves everything to his wife.

The AIBU and the husband's beef is that the OP hasn't organised a tea party with her family, in a situation where they hardly know him, the OP has never been involved with his birthday planning, she's in fact been actively excluded, and this demand has been landed on her at the 11th hour; and further, when the OP was assuming they would be doing something nice for him in any event, organised by her husband, who also has gone along with excluding OP from his son's birthday celebrations in years gone by. The OP has a job and a toddler, and is supposed to pull a birthday party out of her arse because his own blood relatives have done fuck all to ensure the boy has a nice birthday. And before anyone goes on about the mother being called away, I managed to run my own son's party in between running up and down the country to attend to my dying father, so it's not impossible. People, places, arrangements just need to be communicated. The mother and father of this child have clearly done nothing to organise a party before the emergency arose on Tuesday, otherwise there would be a plan in place long ago that the H and the OP can simply implement.

100% agree with this.

Both of the child's parents have actively excluded OP from even attending his parties in the past.

How was OP to know she's now expected to organise a party? I'm assuming her DH has a mouth and could have said to OP that he'd like her help with that please. (Plus apologised for excluding her from previous parties.)

So he's 8 tomorrow. Send his father out for pancakes and berries to make '8' pancakes with a candle for his breakfast as a fun surprise. They love that. It only takes half an hour - total.

Bring him somewhere, anywhere, tomorrow. The zoo, waterpark, cinema, anywhere. Have a birthday tea out and go for ice cream.

Tell him that he's going to have his party next weekend when hopefully his Mum will be home to celebrate either him too and get that poor excuse of a parent to get his to do list and phoning finger out and organise.

FWIW, I think both parents are prize twats. But the one who suffers for this is the child, so I'd be the bigger person in the OP's shoes, and make up for the parents' failings, just for the child's sake.

As I say, though, the fact that this is right is one of many reasons why I wouldn't have become a step parent. I know I couldn't do it properly.

You’re right. I misread that bit. It is curious on where the rest of the mum’s family is and how far she has gone away. If she has very few family, it’s unfortunate that she doesn’t even like if OP does a nice gesture for her son. This emergency doesn’t take away from the fact nothing seemed to be planned or maybe the ex did have something planned and is waiting til she returns. Can only imagine what she’ll say knowing OP was involved in some way when she is already likely stressed from what has happened with her relative.

Agree

*In the OP's shoes, I'd be asking the child's father what he had planned to do for his birthday, in the absence of the child's mother. I wouldn't make any assumptions at all about his father's ability to do anything at all.

In the absence of any plan on the part of the boy's father, I'd be asking the boy what he'd like to do, and whom he'd like to do it with, and then I'd be facilitating it.

This is the only reasonable and kind thing to do for the child. It's also one of many reasons why I wouldn't have taken on anyone else's children - because I am only really interested in my own children, not someone else's, and a child deserves to be treated as if they are an integral part of the family, not an inconvenience.

Anything else is point-scoring*

It's not the only reasonable and kind thing to do - when you assume their dad is responsible and capable. I'm not in the habit of checking whether other parents have parenting under control, I find that odd and micromanaging. Do you do that with other parents? He's sorted it out every other year so she has no reason to assume he wouldn't this year.

He sounds like a shit dad.
Wouldn't he normally organise something special for his son for his birthday on top of what his ex does. And why would he need to contact his ex to find our who his son's friends parents are??

All children in the family should be treated the same if you’ve chosen to blend the family. How cruel

If their mum was away but their dad was home, would you assume you needed to organise their party? If so, what's wrong with YOU?

As has been said over and over again, nobody is eliminating the father from responsibility. But yes, if I had a 7 years old child temporarily living in my house, be it a stepchild, nephew, niece or the neighbours child and it was their birthday today, yes, I would have put some thought into it. I would have asked them what they want to do, I would have said to the other adult in the house “what are we doing for Fred’s birthday”. Is this really so hard to comprehend? Or would you have truly thought, I didn’t birth him, not my problem.

It seems there are a lot of people on this thread that can only think in binary terms, in that because somebody else thinks OP should have thought of it and discussed it, that must mean they don’t think the father should have thought of it. When that just isn’t the case. They are a horrible pair.