Page 18 | Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

HailHale · 2023-07-07T07:51:06+00:00

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8. The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart. For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening. I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care. This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow). DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close. Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

KingJamesTheTurd · 08/07/2023 07:45

I'm not in the habit of checking whether other parents have parenting under control, I find that odd and micromanaging. Do you do that with other parents?
Of course I don't. But if one of their children were living under my roof (and especially if I were in loco parentis), I would at the very least be asking the child what he/she was doing for their birthday, and I'd be making sure they got to do what they wanted to do if nobody else had bothered to arrange it.

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2023 07:46

@Aprilx It's so frustrating that people like you are taking such negative connotations from the simple act (or lack thereof) of not taking it upon yourself to think about something somebody's parent usually thinks about. If my neighbours child, my niece/nephew, my step child etc etc etc had a birthday coming up, I would not be thinking about needing to sort it out, not because I don't care about them or want to actively snub them. But simply because that is something parents usually do and as such, it just wouldn't cross my mind. I wouldn't be actively and spitefully thinking "not my problem", it would just not occur to me to consider that it might be. Nobody has really answered the question - why on Earth would it? That's why I asked you if you would assume you needed to sort out your neighbours child's birthday, even if one of their parents was present. Honestly, can anyone actually answer yes to that question? Because it would be a really odd way of behaving.

janinak84 · 08/07/2023 07:46

Well, we all are different. I would discuss this with my partner in advance if I knew his child would be with us for their birthday.
Surely it's not your family's responsibility to plan a party for that child. However, you and your husband should. Especially when his family is not around. It might not to be your child, but it's your husband's and they came as a package. You should treat him the same way you would treat your own one. And your husband should not expecting you to think of it.
But you really need to think he is a little child, and seeing his sibling having a lovely party but not having his own might feel him sad.
You could also plan a day out, or give him some options what you could possibly do.

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2023 07:47

KingJamesTheTurd · 08/07/2023 07:45

I'm not in the habit of checking whether other parents have parenting under control, I find that odd and micromanaging. Do you do that with other parents?
Of course I don't. But if one of their children were living under my roof (and especially if I were in loco parentis), I would at the very least be asking the child what he/she was doing for their birthday, and I'd be making sure they got to do what they wanted to do if nobody else had bothered to arrange it.

But how would you know nobody else had bothered to arrange it? They always have before, and the kind of things the usually organise are things that don't need to be prepared a long time in advance. She had every right to think that's what his dad was doing again,

KingJamesTheTurd · 08/07/2023 07:49

@aSofaNearYou I find it frustrating that you can't see the difference between a random neighbour's child and a step-child.

If you marry someone who has children, you have to assume some responsibility for that child. It is mind-boggling to think that you could live in the same house as your husband's child and regard them in the same way as a random neighbour's child. Surely you accept that you play a quasi-parental role in a step-child's life?

As I said upthread, it's one reason I would never have been involved with a man with children - I am too selfish to be a step-parent.

KingJamesTheTurd · 08/07/2023 07:54

@aSofaNearYou We're going round in circles and will just have to agree to disagree. I think that if you marry someone who has a primary aged child, it is very, very weird not to communicate about the child's birthday - even if just to say at some point in the couple of weeks before: "what's Timmy doing for his birthday?"

I think it's normal to talk to your partner about what's going on in the family, but you clearly don't.

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2023 07:59

KingJamesTheTurd · 08/07/2023 07:49

@aSofaNearYou I find it frustrating that you can't see the difference between a random neighbour's child and a step-child.

If you marry someone who has children, you have to assume some responsibility for that child. It is mind-boggling to think that you could live in the same house as your husband's child and regard them in the same way as a random neighbour's child. Surely you accept that you play a quasi-parental role in a step-child's life?

As I said upthread, it's one reason I would never have been involved with a man with children - I am too selfish to be a step-parent.

Oh for god's sake, why must people constantly look to come to this conclusion. The key point in the analogy was that the child had their actual parent present to do the parenting, not my relationship to them. It's so childish to constantly ignore that point and just say "so you think they're just a random child then?"

No I don't think of them like a random child. But their parent is there and I assume their parent will think about the things parents usually think of. I'm not hovering about, worrying that I might need to step in and do it for them, I assume they have it covered. Would it not be highly patronising not to? I'm sure my mum doesn't think of her GC as "random children" but she wouldn't assume she needed to organise a party for them either, because I would do that. On the same way I make sure they brush their teeth and get to bed on time. That is the natural assumption most people make about other people's kids, regardless of how much they might know and love them.

I have a SC. I would probably ask at some point what DP is thinking of doing for DSS's birthday because he is disorganised and forgetful and I know that. But if he was on the ball, I probably would not have cause to even think about it. It wouldn't be on my radar. OPs husband has always sorted it out in the past. There is no reason to assume he wouldn't do the same this year.

Coolhwip · 08/07/2023 08:00

janinak84 · 08/07/2023 07:46

Well, we all are different. I would discuss this with my partner in advance if I knew his child would be with us for their birthday.
Surely it's not your family's responsibility to plan a party for that child. However, you and your husband should. Especially when his family is not around. It might not to be your child, but it's your husband's and they came as a package. You should treat him the same way you would treat your own one. And your husband should not expecting you to think of it.
But you really need to think he is a little child, and seeing his sibling having a lovely party but not having his own might feel him sad.
You could also plan a day out, or give him some options what you could possibly do.

But that’s just it. DSS was brought home on Tuesday, and OP didn’t even know if he was going to be with them for his birthday.

It’s crazy that you’re expecting OP to pull a party out of her arse when SHE ISN’T USUALLY INVITED TO DSS’ PARTIES and the ex doesn’t like OP doing things for her son.

The mum and dad have had WEEKS to organise a party for their DS but somehow it’s become OP’s responsibility to speak up and make this happen.

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2023 08:01

KingJamesTheTurd · 08/07/2023 07:54

@aSofaNearYou We're going round in circles and will just have to agree to disagree. I think that if you marry someone who has a primary aged child, it is very, very weird not to communicate about the child's birthday - even if just to say at some point in the couple of weeks before: "what's Timmy doing for his birthday?"

I think it's normal to talk to your partner about what's going on in the family, but you clearly don't.

It's normal to, but equally normal for it to not come up if it's not something you're concerned won't be sorted out.

Coolhwip · 08/07/2023 08:02

KingJamesTheTurd · 08/07/2023 07:54

@aSofaNearYou We're going round in circles and will just have to agree to disagree. I think that if you marry someone who has a primary aged child, it is very, very weird not to communicate about the child's birthday - even if just to say at some point in the couple of weeks before: "what's Timmy doing for his birthday?"

I think it's normal to talk to your partner about what's going on in the family, but you clearly don't.

Why would someone who is not even invited to DSS’ parties do this? It makes no sense. The mum and dad sort it between them every year.

StephanieSuperpowers · 08/07/2023 08:08

I'm pretty sure though that deepening her heart, the OP is aware that when we say mum and dad usually organise it, we mean mum does. He probably has no real involvement in thinking or planning and only gets involved if he's given a couple of token tasks. Doesn't sound like he bothered his arse for the toddler either.

It's not fair to expect the OP to do thus. It's not right. It's not her job. But she's a grown up and at the centre of this story is an 8 year old, prime birthday madness age, whose mum is away for his birthday and none of the adults around him cared enough to plan anything nice.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 08/07/2023 08:13

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/07/2023 09:03

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

Wonder how much arranging DH has ever done, left it to the woman and tagged along i presume, looks like he thought a different woman would leap in this time too. This is on him.

Exactly this!!
Your DH has not sorted anything, his Ex has sorted it and brought him into the discussion in EXACTLY the way he is expecting you to do.
Personally once I knew your SS was going to be with you I would have been bringing up the discussion of how you were going to celebrate. Should YOU have to bring it up, NO that's his dad's role but if he hadn't then i would have to ensure the kid had a lovely day. Says a lot about what your DH sees as his role and his expectations of a 'woman's role'.

Coolhwip · 08/07/2023 08:20

StephanieSuperpowers · 08/07/2023 08:08

I'm pretty sure though that deepening her heart, the OP is aware that when we say mum and dad usually organise it, we mean mum does. He probably has no real involvement in thinking or planning and only gets involved if he's given a couple of token tasks. Doesn't sound like he bothered his arse for the toddler either.

It's not fair to expect the OP to do thus. It's not right. It's not her job. But she's a grown up and at the centre of this story is an 8 year old, prime birthday madness age, whose mum is away for his birthday and none of the adults around him cared enough to plan anything nice.

All these doom laden posts are so bizarre.

DSS came home on Tuesday, OP finds out a couple of days later he is staying for his birthday.

DH and OP have presents.

DH and OP have no plans on the weekend and OP is happy to do things with DSS.

DH therefore has the whole weekend to make it special for his son and OP is happy to take part.

funinthesun19 · 08/07/2023 08:23

I’m sure the dss will be very excited this morning to see what his dad has organised and planned for him. 🎂🎈🎉 🎁

AppleCinnamonBagel · 08/07/2023 08:25

StephanieSuperpowers · 08/07/2023 08:08

I'm pretty sure though that deepening her heart, the OP is aware that when we say mum and dad usually organise it, we mean mum does. He probably has no real involvement in thinking or planning and only gets involved if he's given a couple of token tasks. Doesn't sound like he bothered his arse for the toddler either.

It's not fair to expect the OP to do thus. It's not right. It's not her job. But she's a grown up and at the centre of this story is an 8 year old, prime birthday madness age, whose mum is away for his birthday and none of the adults around him cared enough to plan anything nice.

I feel sorry for the 8 year old boy.
The adults in his life are too busy accusing each other of not doing things to ignore the fact that there's an 8 year old boy, who deserves a birthday party or celebration with his friends and no fucker has bothered to sort it out. Not MY job! 😠

KingJamesTheTurd · 08/07/2023 08:34

I feel sorry for the 8 year old boy.
The adults in his life are too busy accusing each other of not doing things to ignore the fact that there's an 8 year old boy, who deserves a birthday party or celebration with his friends and no fucker has bothered to sort it out. Not MY job! 😠

I agree with you, and I'm a bit taken aback by how many people would go down the "not my child only my stepchild, not my problem" route.

Coolhwip · 08/07/2023 08:36

KingJamesTheTurd · 08/07/2023 08:34

I feel sorry for the 8 year old boy.
The adults in his life are too busy accusing each other of not doing things to ignore the fact that there's an 8 year old boy, who deserves a birthday party or celebration with his friends and no fucker has bothered to sort it out. Not MY job! 😠

I agree with you, and I'm a bit taken aback by how many people would go down the "not my child only my stepchild, not my problem" route.

That’s not what people are saying.

If both mum and dad were away then step-mum would step in, but even in that case, she won’t be able to magic up a party with no contact details and 2 days’ notice.

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2023 08:41

If both mum and dad were away then step-mum would step in, but even in that case, she won’t be able to magic up a party with no contact details and 2 days’ notice.

Exactly. There's no arguing with some people, they refuse to see that assuming a parent would organise their own child's birthday when they are present and able is not malicious.

sandyhappypeople · 08/07/2023 08:44

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2023 07:46

@Aprilx It's so frustrating that people like you are taking such negative connotations from the simple act (or lack thereof) of not taking it upon yourself to think about something somebody's parent usually thinks about. If my neighbours child, my niece/nephew, my step child etc etc etc had a birthday coming up, I would not be thinking about needing to sort it out, not because I don't care about them or want to actively snub them. But simply because that is something parents usually do and as such, it just wouldn't cross my mind. I wouldn't be actively and spitefully thinking "not my problem", it would just not occur to me to consider that it might be. Nobody has really answered the question - why on Earth would it? That's why I asked you if you would assume you needed to sort out your neighbours child's birthday, even if one of their parents was present. Honestly, can anyone actually answer yes to that question? Because it would be a really odd way of behaving.

I get what you’re saying about neighbours child etc, in normal circumstances I’d agree, but would that change if they were suddenly asked to stay with you because they had a family emergency to attend to and it became obvious that their birthday was while they were with you?

His dad should be taking care of it, but would it not cross your mind to even ask your DH what the plans were? or plan it together? Or would you genuinely not think about it at all?

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2023 08:46

*I get what you’re saying about neighbours child etc, in normal circumstances I’d agree, but would that change if they were suddenly asked to stay with you because they had a family emergency to attend to and it became obvious that their birthday was while they were with you?

His dad should be taking care of it, but would it not cross your mind to even ask your DH what the plans were? or plan it together? Or would you genuinely not think about it at all?*

Possibly, possibly not, depending on how much I had on my mind at the time. Less likely to if their dad, who was there, had always taken care of planning it without me in the past.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/07/2023 08:49

His dad should be taking care of it, but would it not cross your mind to even ask your DH what the plans were? or plan it together? Or would you genuinely not think about it at all?

Since dad claims to have it in hand normally and excludes the op from being involved there was no reason for the op to believe this year was any different. There was obviously never a plan for a party this year or it would have already been arranged before the mother was called away, the boy won't be expecting a party.

Parkandpicnic · 08/07/2023 08:50

DH should of organised something, plenty of full time single parents manage to do so, sure you wouldn’t have minded helping if he’d of actually asked you but isn’t your responsibility to organise

Aprilx · 08/07/2023 08:51

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/07/2023 08:49

His dad should be taking care of it, but would it not cross your mind to even ask your DH what the plans were? or plan it together? Or would you genuinely not think about it at all?

Since dad claims to have it in hand normally and excludes the op from being involved there was no reason for the op to believe this year was any different. There was obviously never a plan for a party this year or it would have already been arranged before the mother was called away, the boy won't be expecting a party.

Of course this year was different. Because this year he is in their house. How is that not different? 🙄

aSofaNearYou · 08/07/2023 08:52

Of course this year was different. Because this year he is in their house. How is that not different?

It's no different in the sense that there was no reason he wouldn't just organise it without including OP, like he usually does. It was obvious that's what they meant.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/07/2023 08:58

I think a lot of women wouldn’t take a lead on organising the party because they are sick of misogyny and rightly so - the assumption that op should organise the party cos she has a vagina and Party organising is ‘women’s work’