Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

[HailHale]

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

Maybe there is something missing in how you are explaining this which is making the logic hard to follow. You say that his mother is caring for a very poorly relative snd therefore that DSS parents cannot plan as per usual. You both knew this snd yet it seems from how you are explaining it that you both only had a discussion about this the night before his birthday. That is what seems difficult to process. It’s not just that you haven’t arranged a party, but that neither of you have arranged anything so he does not have anything to look forward to, even if it’s just tea out at a pizza place, or something. I’m sure that I have misunderstood and neither of you have been this uncaring as I’m sure you both know how important birthdays are for children.

Why do you assume that the 8 year old barely knows his step Grandparents? Some step Grandparents have great relationships with their SDGC. My SGS has been on holiday with me without parents, i have been to his school plays, his photo is my mantle piece, his name is in my will. My Granddaughter's Maternal Grandfather has excepted her half sister as another Granddaughter, he attended her christening. Some families just except and love another member.

For crying out loud. It doesn’t matter at this stage. The child’s needs are paramount and come above all of this petty bs. That could be resolved at a later date. This poor child is being treated like a burden and that is exactly how your response comes across, too. There is no sense of wanting to celebrate him, or happiness. That is what is lacking from the OP’s response and that is what is lacking in yours. Adults have a duty of care to children and part of that is to make them feel valued, loved and celebrated. The argument about who dies what can take place tomorrow and got the rest of the year, for now it’s about saving the child’s birthday and it is beyond awful that people cannot focus on this.

Maybe there is something missing in how you are explaining this which is making the logic hard to follow. You say that his mother is caring for a very poorly relative snd therefore that DSS parents cannot plan as per usual. You both knew this snd yet it seems from how you are explaining it that you both only had a discussion about this the night before his birthday. That is what seems difficult to process. It’s not just that you haven’t arranged a party, but that neither of you have arranged anything so he does not have anything to look forward to, even if it’s just tea out at a pizza place, or something. I’m sure that I have misunderstood and neither of you have been this uncaring as I’m sure you both know how important birthdays are for children.

It's not that hard to understand - neither of them did it because they both assumed the other would. Hers was the more natural assumption given he is the child's parent, and his assumption was based on nothing but misogyny.

For crying out loud. It doesn’t matter at this stage. The child’s needs are paramount and come above all of this petty bs.

It does matter, because the root cause isn’t being addressed. It’s just being swept under the carpet until next time when OP is berated by her husband for not planning for his child.

And even at this late stage, there’s absolutely nothing stopping HIM from making the effort. Asda is open 24 hours and they sell cards, balloons, banners, cakes the lot. It’s not petty to expect HIM to run out to the supermarket and sort his kid’s birthday out. They even sell toys there for presents if he hasn’t bought any already.
Then tomorrow he can plan a fun day out to celebrate. He could even invite one of his son’s friends along. Last minute I know and his friend might not be able to come now, but worth an ask.

It’s not impossible to sort out and I hope he’s on it right now if not done and dusted already. His kid fgs, I feel so sorry for him that he has made the extra effort this year seeing as the boy won’t get to see his mum. You’d think the dad would have been really on the ball with it especially this year. But no, all down to OP.

*HASN’T made the extra effort

How much arranging does going out for pizza or a takeaway need? Surely you do that the day of, or at most if you're going to go to a cinema or trampoline park or something you might ask the kid the day before?

Your DH is a sexist ass. He assumes that the emotional work and the slog involved in making his child feel loved is down to you because you’re a woman. It isn’t. there is no way for you and your family to give your SS what he wants and needs - which is a belief his biological parents, who he sees all the time, love him, think about him and prioritise him. Your DH doesn’t and that’s on him, not you. I think you need to read the riot act to your DH about this - he’s going to leave all the emotional work and slog for your joint child down to you, too.

No, parents have a responsibility to step up and parent their kids, not palm them off on their new partner. You shouldn’t have kids and then expect other people to be your free nanny and party planner, oh and mind reader ofcourse, because she was meant to know he wanted her to throw a party without even asking. People know what they’re signing up for when they decide to have children, the responsibility starts and ends with them. The father has plenty of time to still sort something, no need for OP to do it for him..

The child has a nice birthday planned, kids don’t need a party every year. Stop being so dramatic.

This is the first time OP & her family have had a get together for her SC’s birthday. And it doesn’t sound like it was a massive lavish party, people turned up with a dish.

OP’s DSS doesn’t have a relationship with his OP & her family at the behest of the child’s mum. I doubt he’d be happy to have a bunch of strangers turn up to mark his birthday.

An 8 year old would probably prefer to be with his mum and dad or have some school friends over. And that should be arranged by his actual parents who have been ordering OP to keep out of parenting their child.

Dc not sc

@Hummingbird10

this! ⬆️ Sums it up so well

They have presents, which is reassuring. Beyond this there are no plans. There is an awful lot of drama on here about the views of the step mum, very little about a child. No one is suggesting a party, but not making any arrangements is devaluing. It is not spoiling a child to celebrate their birthday. It can just be something very small and simple, but I ask you to consider how it might feel to have nothing arranged at all. Birthdays stick in children’s minds understandably and being devalued in this way can be more significant than people here are giving it credit for. I assume this won’t matter to you. You are clearly rude and ignorant.

I've read all your updates, and this is 100% on your DH. He's being a useless shit.
SS's mum and DH haven't worked together, haven't planned anything and haven't discussed what is happening and as a result he's with you last minute and these two ridiculous excuses for adults and for parents haven't thought about what they are going to do for their child's birthday.
I'd speak to your DH tonight and tell him not to dare expecting you to run around sorting things just because he can't be bothered, and put it on him. I'm actually angry on your behalf!

You’ve missed that OP/DH didn't know until Tuesday that he'd be with them as its all been quite rushed with the situation with his mum, they also didn't know if she'd be back or not as she was hoping to be only a couple of days it was all a bit up in the air.

They have presents, which is reassuring. Beyond this there are no plans. There is an awful lot of drama on here about the views of the step mum, very little about a child. No one is suggesting a party, but not making any arrangements is devaluing. It is not spoiling a child to celebrate their birthday. It can just be something very small and simple, but I ask you to consider how it might feel to have nothing arranged at all. Birthdays stick in children’s minds understandably and being devalued in this way can be more significant than people here are giving it credit for. I assume this won’t matter to you. You are clearly rude and ignorant.

The reason people are still looking at it from the step parents perspective is that it's still perfectly plausible for his dad to do it - easier in fact than OP doing it if it does involve inviting people DSS knows. It's not like this is a situation where it's OP or nothing, and we're all saying do nothing to prove a point. He can still have his celebration, but his dad can sort it out.

Hilarious that neither mum or dad wanted a party for their son but you think OP should have take it upon herself to organise it, especially when the ex doesn’t like OP to be involved.

Any words to say about the ex’s attitude to OP? Thought not.

I hope after this that you and your husband have a better system in place to discuss things like this. I totally understand your husband should of been more involved and initiated the conversation but I believe as you are married it's a joint effort in discussing. I totally understand that you may not of asked your family, although that would of been really lovely. But I also understand why your husband would want the same as your son had. I've had step children and always accepted and treated them as my own. Blended families are the norm for so many people. It's a challenging one as I understand why some people think differently to me and I never judge that.

Yes you are correct here. My heart goes out to the birthday boy. I'm also a grandma and the child should be celebrating 2 birthdays each year. One with mum and one with dad. This is heartbreaking.

Of course DH wants the women in OP’s family to do all the cooking and work to give his son a party and make zero effort himself.

But he can’t have that. He needs to step up himself.

Do you also think the child’s mum and dad are despicable for not arranging a party? Because they’ve had weeks and weeks to arrange one but didn’t.

DSS came to OP’s on Tuesday and even then OP didn’t know where he was having his birthday.

Why you think OP is the despicable one when she has followed the mum’s wishes by keeping a distance is beyond me.

From the way you write you don’t sound like a very kind grandmother.

@Hummingbird10

this! ⬆️
and op never said they would do nothing at all. She assumed they would go for a day out followed by tea out or a takeaway or something. Which is probably far preferable to the child than spending the day having a party with his dad’s wife’s family who he barely knows
I personally think misogyny is rude which is what Op is receiving a lot of on this thread