Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

[HailHale]

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

Again, who would the husband invite?

School friends. But he would need to put in effort to find out who his friends are.

Family friends? What are family friends if there are no family here? We have a 8 year old who sees his brother be made a fuss of, cakes make for him and a family party and he gets nothing? Especially that his own Mum is away and cannot be with him.

His son’s friends? Classmates?

OP has said that she has not only never planned or been involved but also not invited to her SS’s birthday parties due to his mum. Why would she expect to all of a sudden plan a party when she’s never even been allowed to go to one and has been firmly told she is not his parent from his mum?

I‘m assuming mum hadn’t arranged anything

Don't you have any friends who's kids call you Auntie @changeyerheadworzel ? That's what I mean by family friends. Notice you ignored the school friends though and the rest of my post 😁 I'm sure the 8 YEAR OLD would prefer trampoline, bowling, LazerQuest with friends wouldn't he? You know, like most kids his age.

Some of them know SS, not massively well but they know him. A lot of them have only met him a few times. He does get on with my parents quite well but they aren't grandma and grandad.

I would, too, as it happens.

But has anyone asked the actual child in this situation what he wants? The three main adults in his life all know his birthday is coming up, and not one of them has discussed it with him, never mind with one another.

We didn't know until Tuesday that he'd be with us as its all been quite rushed with the situation with his mum, we also didn't know if she'd be back or not as she was hoping to be only a couple of days its all a bit up in the air

Emmmmmmmmmmmmmmm probably because it would be too late notice to arrange something like that. Use your noggin.

Because he is a child who will not be with his mother for his birthday. Shit happens and you step up to the plate, ask your parents round for tea and bake a fucking cake. The child has no aunties, uncles or grandparents in the country.

Well someone should have had something sorted by Tuesday then shouldn't they? By someone I mean the child's parents. Are you saying a cinema trip, trip to the seaside, bowling, trampolining needs lots of notice? That's not the case in my experience. Quick text to a few school friends parents, at least a couple will be able to join them on the Saturday. The DH has had since Tuesday to sort something out. If it isn't important to him, why should it be important to the OP?

Don't you have any friends who's kids call you Auntie

Em nooooo.

Also friends of whom? His mother? His father? His stepmother? Who are these family friends you speak of?

It is too late.
A trip to the seaside? WHO the hell does that?
Trying to round up a load of kids, book somewhere all the while not even knowing if the mother would be back or not is not feasible.
I am not saying the father is not at fault but to not have another living relative in the country while your other son had a house full of family at his birthday is shite.

But has anyone asked the actual child in this situation what he wants? The three main adults in his life all know his birthday is coming up, and not one of them has discussed it with him, never mind with one another.

Well in OPs shoes I'd just assume his dad would do this.

But in terms of if he were to say he wanted a party - it's often just not really practical with NR step children. You don't know any of their friends, aren't going to have their mum's family, they aren't close to SM's family, don't know the family friends etc. It makes more sense to do something other than a party in that situation - we've never done a party for DSS for that reason, always day trips.

At the end of the bloody day, this child has been let down badly by the adults in his life. His birthday tomorrow and nothing planned for him. Fucking lousy.

Hes been let down by his parents. Stop trying to lay the blame at OP's door. Her DH has had the exact same amount of time as OP to put things right. Hopefully he's pulled his finger out.
With regards to the seaside thing... er most people I know go to the seaside! Fairs, amusements, eating shit. Dont most kids love that... mine sure do even in their advancing years! Didnt think that was unusual but maybe I'm wrong. I have had an 8 year old boy though, he'd have loved it! Just for the amusements!

Yes his parents.....including step parent.

Again, other than try arrange a party in 3 days with school friends TO THE BLOODY SEASIDE or anywhere else for that matter, which is, again, not feasible, the father has nobody else to invite except these so called imaginary family friends that you have dreamed up...

I have 4 kids and not once, ever were they ever invited to the seaside for a birthday party!

I hope something changes for the boy and someone does do something for him. Why a little tea party could not be arranged like his little brother is beyond me. His own mother is away obviously for a very serious reason, it would have been the kind thing to do considering there is a father and son who have no family living in the country.

Right, so apparently it's absolutely impossible for OP's husband to pull together a couple of school friends for bowling or something on a Saturday when most clubs etc will have wound down, but absolutely possible for OP to get all her family around for a full on party with homemade birthday cake from grandma on a couple of days' notice. A step mother's place is clearly always in the wrong.

Tell that to his mum then who doesn’t want OP’s involvement and somehow also seemingly hadn’t planned anything with her ex for his birthday beforehand. Pretty sure, his birthday is the same day every year.

OP already said and they can still do a dinner, cake, and take the child somewhere he likes. The issue again is her DH deciding last minute he wants her and her family to throw a party like his youngest on extremely short notice assuming they can all just drop everything to do so. There is nothing wrong with what OP proposed and isn’t difficult to do. Many children have birthdays that involve days out doing something they enjoy. Acting as if a party is a “be all” is ridiculous.

I dont know if you are being deliberately obtuse @changeyerheadworzel or if you are misunderstanding. I didnt say organise a party at the seaside, I meant take a friend or two with him. I would think that was obvious.
Now, as the OP pointed out, the child's mother doesn't want OP to take on a parenting role so no it doesn't include her in this instance.

A ball has clearly been dropped here.

But I’m not sure how the op is meant to organise anything for him with school friends.

I have step children, I’ve never met their school friends parents let alone have their numbers. I don’t do school runs and have no involvement in that part of their lives.

I expect their dad to organise any birthday celebrations and he does. I organise my own child’s birthday celebrations.

Yep I didn't really have any family except my mam. My mam would overcompensate and threw me a big party every year and invited all 60 kids in my year group. there was never a second cousin or random uncle though what kid would wasn't that?

My kids dont have a huge family either, my mam has passed now so theres theres just us and DH parents (who they see regularly) so that wouldn't be a 'party'.

Before school friends we would just have a day out somewhere nice and presents at home. Once they have kids their own age to invite then we do kids parties (thank god not 60 kids though lol).

At 8 I certainly wouldn't want a 'toddler' party. Especially with 'family' I didn't know with a cake baked by my step-grandma and some step aunts and uncles I dont know sat in the garden nibbling on crudites. I would rather of took 2 or 3 friends to mini golf or something.

I never actually knew any of the step families so it would be an awkward room of strangers.

I also want to add I got on perfectly fine with most of my step-mams. They where 'nice' to me but they where at best like an aunt type relationship. They where in no way a rival to my actual mam and I can't ever imagine a scenario where they could be.

I never knew what any of the step siblings did for their birthdays, I was never invited and barely knew them. A few had no kids, one had 2 kids that I never met and the 3rd had 3 sons that I had NOTHING in common with.

Maybe it's just me then. Funny, I would not be thinking of past dealings with the mother, I would be thinking of how I, personally, as the child's stepmother could make things better for my stepson given that his birthday is this weekend and his mother has been called away unexpectedly and we have been asked to have him for his birthday. If I could put bums on seats at our house, invite my family because he had none especially if he gets on well with my parents, I would do it.
If the child had specifically asked to do something else with his friends that is different and would not be up to me to organise, that's on his Dad but looks like the child has not asked and absolute nothing is happening for him so happy Birthday to him then!

No... why would they. Its full on creepy when people do that.

It's always baffled me the way people just casually think they can adopt a family title. If you are not an Aunty you are not an Aunty you're just their mams friend and thats fine in itself, stop being weird about it.

@changeyerheadworzel I don't understand why you feel he has been let down because they don't know anybody? It's perfectly possible for them to have an amazing birthday without inviting anybody at all, just a family day out. It's not only a good birthday if people are invited, and far better an exciting day out with the family than a tea party at home with people you barely know.

It was only on Tuesday that OP knew her DSS would be at her house for his birthday, and only today she's been barked at for not organising something. Since the boy's birthdays falls on the same day every year, what were his mother and father doing about organising. his party before Tuesday, and why can those plans not go ahead regardless of his mother's presence? Is it. because his father doesn't regard it as man's work? Because if that's the case, OP stepping in is giving him the message that being a misogynist prick who disregards his own son is just fine and dandy. And if OP gives him a big. family party, what's the betting the mother will be hacked off at this, given her hostility to OP to date?