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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

639 replies

HailHale · 07/07/2023 08:51

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

OP posts:
Julietta05 · 07/07/2023 15:50

I entirely agree with you!

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/07/2023 15:54

A husband is not a life partner, they are just someone you play long, silent, gender battles with. Children are an acceptable pawn to be used in these.
If your husband is a useless father and partner then those long, silent gender battles are worth having. Though in fairness I do believe women who stay with useless men have agency and should use it to get the frick out of there. No one gets a medal after years of doing it all because the poor man has a full time job.
Now this is me making up my own narrative BUT I can imagine the OP's DH isn't exactly hands on. I mean if he was he would have gone that extra mile to make sure his son had a special birthday while his mum was away. As it turns out he's done even less than he normally does and expected OP and her family to make up for that. I couldnt imagine wanting to be with a man like that. I thank the Lord every day that I'm with a fully functioning adult. Life's hard enough without having to think of everyone else's needs all the time.

aSofaNearYou · 07/07/2023 16:06

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 15:36

@Naunet

I think there's a big and noticeable difference between not having a party and there being no thought at all about how to spend the day.

There are endless threads on here made by women who are upset about their partner being half arsed on birthdays or Mother's Day. Most people just want to feel loved and cared for.

I actually didn't have a single birthday party as a kid, because neither of my parents gave a shit about anyone but themselves.

As I, and most people on this thread have said many times, the fault is absolutely with the dad here, there's no question about it. But I would never intentionally make a child in my home feel uncared for on their birthday and I know my husband wouldn't either.

I feel like the conversation has got away from OPs AIBU a bit.

Who said anything about deliberately making them feel uncared for? All she's said is was she being unreasonable to not have automatically done it (so not deliberate) and is she being unreasonable to not organise a party now. There are other things that can be done besides organising a party that can make him feel cared for and don't require planning from OP - they could go for a day out.

changeyerheadworzel · 07/07/2023 16:09

Who would the husband invite if all his family are abroad and the only person who came to their shared son's birthday was OP's family?

Dukekaboom · 07/07/2023 16:17

JusthereforXmas · 07/07/2023 14:57

How on earth does a birthday countdown work?

Do you have a mini cake everyday, cards, an advent type calendar???

Your birthday is one day. It doesn't need several weeks run up... even with a big party you book it, send out invites then maybe the day before or day of buy a cake and food if needed no need for weeks of discussion between multiple people.

A simple 'I'm thinking Mr. Twizzlers for Timmys birthday they have an affordable package for 30 kids which would fit the whole class, what do you think?'. Followed by the standard 'yeah sounds cool' than a final 'I booked Timmys party at Mr. Twizzlers for noon on his birthday' is enough not weeks worth of conversations.

I would fully expect SC parents to do that not me though, it would seem wildly boundary crossing as a part time step parent to take it on yourself to plan something.

Show quote history

Nope, no mini cakes/calendars here! I just meant they will ask (for weeks before) “how many sleeps until my birthday?” and then “5 more sleeps til my birthday” etc etc so a literal birthday countdown.
Totally appreciate its not for everyone; I simply meant that it was very sad/unthinkable (for me at least) that the day before his birthday was the first day it had been thought about.

Massively disagree with “it’s only one day” comments. Much like when people say it about Christmas, for example. This child only gets one 8th birthday, and it’s really not alot to ask to be made a fuss of for one day a year (especially if your mum can’t be with you).

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/07/2023 16:18

@wutheringkites I don't think a party is necessary, I wouldn't do one for an 8th, probably a day out, cinema, meal something like that which to me would be fine and wouldn't take pre-planning. The boy would still be made to feel special. This situation is only about the father's expectations that the op would organise a party. No one is saying do nothing and indeed the op has organised presents etc, the only thing she hasn't done is the party which she never knew was expected.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/07/2023 16:23

billy1966 · 07/07/2023 14:37

Typical loser male asking the nearest vagina has she organised something for HIS child 🙄.

Going for a bite to eat would be normal.

If his father thinks a party is a good idea, perhaps he should pull his finger out and take responsibility for organising it.

I don't know how women find men like this attractive.

Hitting the nail on the head right here

genuinely don’t see how anyone could argue with this

Original poster
HailHale · 07/07/2023 16:23

Thanks I've not ready every reply yet as I've been working today but to answer a few questions

We didn't know until Tuesday that he'd be with us as its all been quite rushed with the situation with his mum, we also didn't know if she'd be back or not as she was hoping to be only a couple of days its all a bit up in the air.

I do not have any relationship with his mum (her choice) she has always chosen to basically ignore my existence, never wanted my number, never spoken to me beyond a civil hello if I happen to be there so I can't just ring her and brainstorm ideas as has been suggested. I also don't know any of my SS's friends parents, I wouldn't even know where to start with that I'd have to ask DH to ask his ex for their info likely!

I appreciate it probably should have been discussed more but like I say I'd assumed we'd just do something nice over the weekend, I have never gotten involved in arranging his birthdays before now.

DH was more annoyed that my family aren't coming over to make a big fuss like they did for our toddler but to be honest I'm starting to suspect that's just his own defensiveness over not planning anything himself.

OP posts:
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/07/2023 16:33

Theme park, zoo, beach with a special picnic anything like that would be suitable and easy to do last minute. It can still be special

Mumof4plusbonus · 07/07/2023 16:34

HailHale · 07/07/2023 16:23

Thanks I've not ready every reply yet as I've been working today but to answer a few questions

We didn't know until Tuesday that he'd be with us as its all been quite rushed with the situation with his mum, we also didn't know if she'd be back or not as she was hoping to be only a couple of days its all a bit up in the air.

I do not have any relationship with his mum (her choice) she has always chosen to basically ignore my existence, never wanted my number, never spoken to me beyond a civil hello if I happen to be there so I can't just ring her and brainstorm ideas as has been suggested. I also don't know any of my SS's friends parents, I wouldn't even know where to start with that I'd have to ask DH to ask his ex for their info likely!

I appreciate it probably should have been discussed more but like I say I'd assumed we'd just do something nice over the weekend, I have never gotten involved in arranging his birthdays before now.

DH was more annoyed that my family aren't coming over to make a big fuss like they did for our toddler but to be honest I'm starting to suspect that's just his own defensiveness over not planning anything himself.

So he expects more effort from your family that aren’t related to the child than he’s willing to put in for his own son? Nice 🙄

phoenixrosehere · 07/07/2023 16:39

I do not have any relationship with his mum (her choice) she has always chosen to basically ignore my existence, never wanted my number, never spoken to me beyond a civil hello if I happen to be there so I can't just ring her and brainstorm ideas as has been suggested. I also don't know any of my SS's friends parents, I wouldn't even know where to start with that I'd have to ask DH to ask his ex for their info likely!

Not surprised by this. It was obvious in the original post considering never being involved in some way with helping or planning.

LuckySantangelo35 · 07/07/2023 16:43

phoenixrosehere · 07/07/2023 16:39

I do not have any relationship with his mum (her choice) she has always chosen to basically ignore my existence, never wanted my number, never spoken to me beyond a civil hello if I happen to be there so I can't just ring her and brainstorm ideas as has been suggested. I also don't know any of my SS's friends parents, I wouldn't even know where to start with that I'd have to ask DH to ask his ex for their info likely!

Not surprised by this. It was obvious in the original post considering never being involved in some way with helping or planning.

@phoenixrosehere

again not OP’s fault but his parents

HepzibahSmyth · 07/07/2023 16:43

When you choose to start a relationship with a person who already has children you are choosing to be a part of that child’s life. The fact there’s a very obvious change in attitude towards this child to the one you had together is awful.

Both of you are failing miserably in this situation. You for treating this poor kid as “step” and not your responsibility and his father for not giving a second of his time to step up and organise the most basic of celebrations for his child.

Original poster
HailHale · 07/07/2023 16:46

phoenixrosehere · 07/07/2023 16:39

I do not have any relationship with his mum (her choice) she has always chosen to basically ignore my existence, never wanted my number, never spoken to me beyond a civil hello if I happen to be there so I can't just ring her and brainstorm ideas as has been suggested. I also don't know any of my SS's friends parents, I wouldn't even know where to start with that I'd have to ask DH to ask his ex for their info likely!

Not surprised by this. It was obvious in the original post considering never being involved in some way with helping or planning.

She's never wanted me at parties either so I've never actually gone when he's had an actual party in the past.

There have been a few comments about him not being my child from her in the past whenever I've tried to make some effort or just be nice so admittedly, whilst I'm still obviously nice to SS, I tend to stay way out of any parenting to avoid any drama from her.

OP posts:
Ridemeginger · 07/07/2023 16:54

@HailHale Does your extended family have any relationship with your DSS, such that they - and more importantly he - would want to spent his birthday with them having a family dinner party?

MimiSunshine · 07/07/2023 16:55

HepzibahSmyth · 07/07/2023 16:43

When you choose to start a relationship with a person who already has children you are choosing to be a part of that child’s life. The fact there’s a very obvious change in attitude towards this child to the one you had together is awful.

Both of you are failing miserably in this situation. You for treating this poor kid as “step” and not your responsibility and his father for not giving a second of his time to step up and organise the most basic of celebrations for his child.

Projecting much?!

OP doesn’t need to step up, the child’s dad does.

OP he’s just reflecting because he’s feeling Shame and guilt that he’s not done anything.
clearly SS’s mum has done it all in the past and his contribution has just to be to agree with her and hopefully pay towards whatever she’s arranged.

now he needs to step up and sort something out, not emotionally blackmail you into wife work doing it or making your parents full a gap.
if you’re never allowed at SS’s parties then I can’t imagine your parents are particularly close to him.

Ridemeginger · 07/07/2023 16:56

Also, @HailHale If the mother's family emergency only cropped up on Tuesday, wouldn't she and your H already have a plan in place for their DS's birthday that can still be implemented by your DH at. your home? Or does he, as I suspect, just leave everything up to the mother?

phoenixrosehere · 07/07/2023 17:01

HailHale · 07/07/2023 16:46

She's never wanted me at parties either so I've never actually gone when he's had an actual party in the past.

There have been a few comments about him not being my child from her in the past whenever I've tried to make some effort or just be nice so admittedly, whilst I'm still obviously nice to SS, I tend to stay way out of any parenting to avoid any drama from her.

Show quote history

Wow. Sorry you got a hard time on here,
OP.

Unfortunately, some posters ignore that these types of set-ups exist and still want to blame the stepparent when you have little choice in the matter. You’re doing what you can, well, what you’re allowed to do without overstepping. You’ve done nothing wrong and for your DH to have this sudden expectation of a birthday party knowing how the dynamic is, is not right or fair to you nor to his son.

HepzibahSmyth · 07/07/2023 17:07

MimiSunshine · 07/07/2023 16:55

Projecting much?!

OP doesn’t need to step up, the child’s dad does.

OP he’s just reflecting because he’s feeling Shame and guilt that he’s not done anything.
clearly SS’s mum has done it all in the past and his contribution has just to be to agree with her and hopefully pay towards whatever she’s arranged.

now he needs to step up and sort something out, not emotionally blackmail you into wife work doing it or making your parents full a gap.
if you’re never allowed at SS’s parties then I can’t imagine your parents are particularly close to him.

Show quote history

Not projecting at all. Be offended.

KingJamesTheTurd · 07/07/2023 17:08

Naunet · 07/07/2023 14:16

Nope, everyone matters, not just children and a kid won’t be traumatised for life just because they didn’t have a birthday party. I don’t think I ever had one, amazing I’m still alive, huh?

Show quote history

Let's say you had had a half-sibling who had a massive fuss made of them on their birthday. Would you have felt the same in that situation?

We didn't do big birthday things in my family, but it was the same for all of us.

In the situation in the OP, I remain convinced that the only one who matters is the 8 year old child. The adults are being completely selfish to turn it into a 'whose fault/job it is' tit-for-tat business.

phoenixrosehere · 07/07/2023 17:11

KingJamesTheTurd · 07/07/2023 17:08

Let's say you had had a half-sibling who had a massive fuss made of them on their birthday. Would you have felt the same in that situation?

We didn't do big birthday things in my family, but it was the same for all of us.

In the situation in the OP, I remain convinced that the only one who matters is the 8 year old child. The adults are being completely selfish to turn it into a 'whose fault/job it is' tit-for-tat business.

Show quote history

Let's say you had had a half-sibling who had a massive fuss made of them on their birthday. Would you have felt the same in that situation?

Where does it say that the stepson was at the 3 yo birthday party?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/07/2023 17:12

Well OP, hes got tonight to pull something out of the bag.
This is the thing, the SS mum obviously doesn't see the OP as a parental figure so obviously won't be expecting the OP to do anything. It's all on dad.

changeyerheadworzel · 07/07/2023 17:14

Again, who would the husband invite? HE HAS NO FAMILY HERE? All of OP's family came and made a fuss of their shared child for his birthday. Did the OP expect her husband to contact HER family to come and do a little party for his son and her stepson? There is NOBODY else, his family are abroad? I don't get how people are not seeing that.

aSofaNearYou · 07/07/2023 17:16

Let's say you had had a half-sibling who had a massive fuss made of them on their birthday. Would you have felt the same in that situation?

I would have, and do, consider something like a day out at the zoo as equitable with a party at home.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/07/2023 17:17

His sons school friends @changeyerheadworzel ? Family friends? Same as most kids parties. I mean you do family things when they are little but it's mainly his mates at 8 isn't it? Cinema, eating out, sleepovers, Lazer Quest, trampolining etc. The list is endless.