Page 13 | Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

HailHale · 2023-07-07T07:51:06+00:00

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8. The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart. For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening. I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care. This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow). DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close. Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:47

@Coolhwip

She didn't, no, but she has 3 step children and she said 'never' so I assume a number of birthdays have been celebrated.

Probably safe to assume at least one of them has had something resembling a party at some point.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/07/2023 14:47

It's definitely his dad's.responsibility, but I do think your dc should be treated with parity and your dss' birthday should be equally marked.

I think the fact you haven't discussed it before not is poor show on both of you. Poor kid, it sounds like he's already having a bad time.

Dukekaboom · 07/07/2023 14:48

Inthedeep · 07/07/2023 14:16

I just feel sorry for the boy. He’s only 8 years old and no party has been organised, no making plans for an exciting day out, nothing. He must be feeling pretty rubbish about his birthday tomorrow. On top of that he’s probably missing his Mum and may well be pretty upset about the person who’s ill, who I’m assuming is either a family member or close friend. I’m actually amazed his birthday hasn’t been an exciting topic of conversation for him for several weeks at home. Most kids love talking about their upcoming birthdays.

Totally agree @Inthedeep that’s what I was thinking. In our house there is a “birthday countdown” which starts weeks before, the children are just so excited for it. The idea that his birthday hasn’t even been mentioned/thought about makes me so sad - gives a clear sign of how he’s being treated versus his siblings and that makes me want to cry for him.

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 14:50

CrazyHedgehogLover · 07/07/2023 14:46

@Coolhwip did you actually take time to read my comment? I said for her to ask stepsons mum if she had any numbers of friends he has.. it’s really not hard😂 or yes, dad could do this! My comment was aimed at both of them because I find them both equally awful for not arranging something for a child who is with them on there birthday..

they clearly have contact with the child’s mum, so it’s not hard to message and ask if she has any numbers so they can arrange a sleepover.. try to read properly before jumping on people😆

The mum is away looking after a very unwell family member, the last thing she needs is to be bothered with questions about telephone numbers. I assumed you would have the nous to realise this isn't a good idea.

What you SHOULD be asking is why the dad doesn't have the numbers of his kids' friends parents.

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 14:51

Dukekaboom · 07/07/2023 14:48

Totally agree @Inthedeep that’s what I was thinking. In our house there is a “birthday countdown” which starts weeks before, the children are just so excited for it. The idea that his birthday hasn’t even been mentioned/thought about makes me so sad - gives a clear sign of how he’s being treated versus his siblings and that makes me want to cry for him.

Show quote history

Not everyone wants a birthday countdown. OP doesn't sound the type to do that for her own child, she didn't even have a 1st birthday for her child.

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:53

So what I've learnt from this thread is that a step parent is just someone your actual parent sleeps with - they have zero responsibility to care for/ about you.

A husband is not a life partner, they are just someone you play long, silent, gender battles with. Children are an acceptable pawn to be used in these.

If you attempt to break these rules, you're an internalised misogynist and are letting yourself and other women down.

Ponderingwindow · 07/07/2023 14:54

Your husband should be the person planning the birthday festivities.

that said, it is still very odd that the two of you had not discussed the issue before now. I don’t really understand how it got to this point without coming up in conversation and nothing being put on the family calendar.

Soontobe60 · 07/07/2023 14:56

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 09:45

82% people are sensible and know this is ALL on the FATHER, not the step-mum.

He needs to organise something for the weekend.

OP, don't do it or otherwise you will expected to do it every year.

And no surprise your H is trying to pass off parenting tasks to the nearest women (you, your grandma and others).

Yeah, don’t do it. Why should the kid expect you of all people to make his birthday special?

JusthereforXmas · 07/07/2023 14:57

Dukekaboom · 07/07/2023 14:48

Totally agree @Inthedeep that’s what I was thinking. In our house there is a “birthday countdown” which starts weeks before, the children are just so excited for it. The idea that his birthday hasn’t even been mentioned/thought about makes me so sad - gives a clear sign of how he’s being treated versus his siblings and that makes me want to cry for him.

Show quote history

How on earth does a birthday countdown work?

Do you have a mini cake everyday, cards, an advent type calendar???

Your birthday is one day. It doesn't need several weeks run up... even with a big party you book it, send out invites then maybe the day before or day of buy a cake and food if needed no need for weeks of discussion between multiple people.

A simple 'I'm thinking Mr. Twizzlers for Timmys birthday they have an affordable package for 30 kids which would fit the whole class, what do you think?'. Followed by the standard 'yeah sounds cool' than a final 'I booked Timmys party at Mr. Twizzlers for noon on his birthday' is enough not weeks worth of conversations.

I would fully expect SC parents to do that not me though, it would seem wildly boundary crossing as a part time step parent to take it on yourself to plan something.

excelledyourself · 07/07/2023 14:57

The mum is away looking after a very unwell family member, the last thing she needs is to be bothered with questions about telephone numbers. I assumed you would have the nous to realise this isn't a good idea.

No, the last thing she probably needs is to realise that the one time she's unable to organise plans for her sons birthday, nobody else who presumably claims to care for him has even bothered to consider his day.

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 15:06

excelledyourself · 07/07/2023 14:57

The mum is away looking after a very unwell family member, the last thing she needs is to be bothered with questions about telephone numbers. I assumed you would have the nous to realise this isn't a good idea.

No, the last thing she probably needs is to realise that the one time she's unable to organise plans for her sons birthday, nobody else who presumably claims to care for him has even bothered to consider his day.

Fixed it for you:

"the last thing she probably needs is to realise that the one time she's unable to organise plans for her sons birthday, the child's father who presumably claims to care for him has even bothered to consider his day."

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/07/2023 15:07

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:40

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus

Do you go along too or skip them? I'm
Just curious about this. I can't really imagine planning a big thing like that and not mentioning it to my partner.

Its probably different for us, parties are often outside so doesn't affect the house the same so no mad tidy up needed. If I'm free I go but I'm not needed as such. Guess parties just aren't a big deal due to our set up so he just gets on with it.

MysteryBelle · 07/07/2023 15:11

HailHale · 07/07/2023 08:56

No of course I wasn't going to ignore him, I've just not arranged a party for him. He has presents obviously and I'd assumed we'd maybe go out for tea, get a takeaway, have a friend over for a sleepover or something. I didn't expect to be expected to arrange a party.

I think what you had in mind is perfectly fine. Go out for a birthday tea, presents, friend over. That is actually perfect. His mother would probably like just that. No big party with your family who don’t know him as well, yet. This was the first time you’ve had him over for his birthday and the circumstances are such that what you have in mind is very appropriate.

excelledyourself · 07/07/2023 15:13

@coolwhip that's not my point. I highly doubt mum is going to grudge being asked for some phone numbers (by anyone) if it means her child has a decent birthday in her absence. So your snide response to the previous poster doesn't wash.

phoenixrosehere · 07/07/2023 15:14

Curseofthenation · 07/07/2023 14:38

It's your DH's fault but as others have said, it is surprising that nothing has been discussed. Has he even got a present? Who has organised his birthday in previous years?

The parents have organised all his birthdays in the past. This is the first year they haven’t and OP’s DH hadn’t mentioned anything until today. My guess is the mum did everything while the father did nothing otherwise he would have had something planned.

I understand having a sick relative but nothing at all planned beforehand seems very odd. I’m wondering if the mum had told his father to do something but he didn’t do it and/or forgot and now is trying to save face and put it on OP.

Naunet · 07/07/2023 15:16

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:53

So what I've learnt from this thread is that a step parent is just someone your actual parent sleeps with - they have zero responsibility to care for/ about you.

A husband is not a life partner, they are just someone you play long, silent, gender battles with. Children are an acceptable pawn to be used in these.

If you attempt to break these rules, you're an internalised misogynist and are letting yourself and other women down.

they have zero responsibility to care for/ about you.

Correct, which is why legally, step parents have no rights and you won’t have to share custody with them when they finally get sick of you using them as a free nanny and leave. Or did you want them to have all of the responsibility and none of the rights of a parent?

aSofaNearYou · 07/07/2023 15:16

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:22

Nope, everyone matters, not just children and a kid won’t be traumatised for life just because they didn’t have a birthday party. I don’t think I ever had one, amazing I’m still alive, huh?

And this is the crux of it. There are a surprising number (to me) of posters on mumsnet who are more than happy to throw a kid under a bus so they can make a point to a man.

I would rather we had to come up with something to do on the day for the child rather than live my whole life with unreasonable, sexist expectations from my husband, yes.

That said, I wouldn't have been not organising a party to prove a point. I'd have been not doing it because it literally would not cross my mind to think he'd expect me to do it. I would assume he would, if he wanted to.

Naunet · 07/07/2023 15:23

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:22

Nope, everyone matters, not just children and a kid won’t be traumatised for life just because they didn’t have a birthday party. I don’t think I ever had one, amazing I’m still alive, huh?

And this is the crux of it. There are a surprising number (to me) of posters on mumsnet who are more than happy to throw a kid under a bus so they can make a point to a man.

Interesting take, I’d say it was fathers throwing women under the bus to teach them that stuff like this is their job, irrelevant if they’re the child’s mother or not.

I also find the idea that not throwing a birthday party is the equaivilant of throwing a child under a bus 😂 Did you really have a birthday party every single year as a child? Can you really not image that many children grow up just fine having never had one?!

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 15:28

excelledyourself · 07/07/2023 15:13

@coolwhip that's not my point. I highly doubt mum is going to grudge being asked for some phone numbers (by anyone) if it means her child has a decent birthday in her absence. So your snide response to the previous poster doesn't wash.

What was snide about it? I thought she was snide to me?

Iwantmyoldnameback · 07/07/2023 15:31

FFS just do a trip to the seaside, get a cake, put some banners up. Or a theme park if not near the sea. Make sure useless father pays and have a lovely family day. Especially make sure your stepson has a lovely day. It won't kill you and you can deal with your husband's attitude at a later date.

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 15:32

I love the posters who think starting their post with FFS makes them sound authoritative.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 07/07/2023 15:35

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 15:32

I love the posters who think starting their post with FFS makes them sound authoritative.

Exasperated actually!

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 15:36

@Naunet

I think there's a big and noticeable difference between not having a party and there being no thought at all about how to spend the day.

There are endless threads on here made by women who are upset about their partner being half arsed on birthdays or Mother's Day. Most people just want to feel loved and cared for.

I actually didn't have a single birthday party as a kid, because neither of my parents gave a shit about anyone but themselves.

As I, and most people on this thread have said many times, the fault is absolutely with the dad here, there's no question about it. But I would never intentionally make a child in my home feel uncared for on their birthday and I know my husband wouldn't either.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/07/2023 15:39

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 15:36

@Naunet

I think there's a big and noticeable difference between not having a party and there being no thought at all about how to spend the day.

There are endless threads on here made by women who are upset about their partner being half arsed on birthdays or Mother's Day. Most people just want to feel loved and cared for.

I actually didn't have a single birthday party as a kid, because neither of my parents gave a shit about anyone but themselves.

As I, and most people on this thread have said many times, the fault is absolutely with the dad here, there's no question about it. But I would never intentionally make a child in my home feel uncared for on their birthday and I know my husband wouldn't either.

But the op has got presents, did think about treating him but her dh is demanding she organises a party. He has a special day anyway just not what the dh wanted.

I didn't do parties for 8th birthdays doesn't mean nothing was done.

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 15:48

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus

She shouldn't be organising a party. That is unreasonable and this has nothing to do with her family.

The point most people are making is that it's odd that no conversation was had about this until just before. Op is married to this man - she absolutely knows he's useless and she's let it play out. In most other scenarios, I'd think that was fair enough but I think it's out of order to do this to a kid whose decent parent isn't around.

I don't think op should have planned a party but I do think she should have made it clear a few weeks ago that it was on him to sort it out.

As a pp said upthread, she should be treating her step son the same way she would want her son to be treated when her useless husband moves onto the next woman.