Page 12 | Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

HailHale · 2023-07-07T07:51:06+00:00

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8. The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart. For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening. I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care. This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow). DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close. Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:22

Nope, everyone matters, not just children and a kid won’t be traumatised for life just because they didn’t have a birthday party. I don’t think I ever had one, amazing I’m still alive, huh?

And this is the crux of it. There are a surprising number (to me) of posters on mumsnet who are more than happy to throw a kid under a bus so they can make a point to a man.

MrsRachelDanvers · 07/07/2023 14:23

CrazyHedgehogLover · 07/07/2023 13:38

This is just awful, I have two stepdaughters and every year me and hubby discuss what we’re doing! This year we had a party for them both with family, party food balloons etc and some party music!

we ordered them a takeaway for later on in the evening so they could watch a film on the sofa.

how on earth have you not discussed his birthday plans? Knowing he’s going to be there on his birthday.

im sorry I don’t agree with the posters saying “he has two parents” no technically he should be able to look at OP as a parent considering the title ‘stepparent’ is used.. when you chose to be in a relationship with a person who already has a child, you at that moment accept the fact you will need to look at that child as your own for the relationship to actually work, otherwise all there will be is resentment from both adults.

you have both been completely thoughtless, his birthday is tomorrow! Your child had a nice birthday bash with family and food etc, he’s going to just have presents to open and actually no plans as of yet of what you’re meant to be doing? This is why stepchildren always draw the short straw! They don’t ask for there parents to separate.

if this was me, I’d message some of the school mums (message stepsons mum and ask if she has any numbers so you can make some sleepover arrangements for him) ask them if there child would like to come sleepover for stepsons birthday, order them a takeaway or do party food, put some decorations and balloons up tonight so it’s all prepared for tomorrow.

or offer for his friends to come over for the day and take them out somewhere like a laser tag zone and get a McDonald’s on the way home.

so long as it looks like you’ve both made some effort! He is at the age now he will remember this, stuff like this can cause rifts between siblings and it’s really not fair.

I wish there was a like button on Mumsnet.

Naunet · 07/07/2023 14:25

sandyhappypeople · 07/07/2023 14:18

I posted that in response to this:
She hasn't said once she's the organiser though.

She openly said she organised that party for THEIR toddler, but you're totally missing the point, they should have organised something for him TOGETHER, because he is staying with THEM and in THEIR house. Why would one person be expected to do it (either the OP or DH) when you're a family it should very much be a team effort? They're both being awful, to each other and to him.

But my point was step-parents shouldn't get a free pass because 'it's not my kid'.. For all intents and purposes, when they are in your house with you under your supervision, you ARE a parent, whether that be step / biological / adopted / carer whatever.

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How many step dads do you think are expected plan parties for their step children with no discussion? Because that’s what we’re talking about here, not general care, not making sure the child doesn’t come to harm, but the typical ‘wife work’ that men love to leave to women.

AxolotlOnions · 07/07/2023 14:26

OP this really is very remiss of you. Your husband spends all week working hard at being a shitty parent, the least you could do is get your family to come over. I mean, who doesn't want to be surrounded by adult virtual strangers on their 9th birthday?

Fairyliz · 07/07/2023 14:26

Aprilx · 07/07/2023 09:02

I honestly cannot believe you have an 8 year old in the house about to celebrate his birthday and you and your husband have not discussed it before now. What a rotten pair you are.

This, I feel so sorry for this poor kid.
He sees his half sibling have a nice party with cake and presents and he’s just what, an afterthought.
Then we wonder why so many children grow up with emotional problems.
Yes it’s your husband’s job to arrange but did you never question what food are we having, how many school friends are coming around?

Goldbar · 07/07/2023 14:28

I would tell your "D"H that no you haven't planned anything because you assumed his parents would. You hadn't realised that they were both such shit parents that they wouldn't plan anything for their DC on his birthday.

Then I would tell him that you're going to take DSS out for ice cream/cake/something from the toy shop or whatever he'd like to do, not because it's your responsibility but because you feel sorry for him having such a shit dad.

I'd also suggest to your DH that he has a whole year between now and DSS's next birthday to turn himself into the type of parent who gives a toss and of whom his DC can be proud, and you'd suggest he takes this chance if he wants any of his children to visit him when they're adults.

Naunet · 07/07/2023 14:28

when you chose to be in a relationship with a person who already has a child, you at that moment accept the fact you will need to look at that child as your own for the relationship to actually work

Again, no you don’t and parents need to stop being so fucking entitled as to think their partner can be used as a free nanny and party planner. Relationships aren’t a one way street, you’re not entitled to someone else’s labour just because you are a single parent. What made you think you get to dictate what people MUST do for other peoples children? The entitlement is unbelievable. YOU made a choice to bring that child into the world, not your new partner, and when you did that YOU took on full responsibility for them along with the other parent.

Goldbar · 07/07/2023 14:29

AxolotlOnions · 07/07/2023 14:26

OP this really is very remiss of you. Your husband spends all week working hard at being a shitty parent, the least you could do is get your family to come over. I mean, who doesn't want to be surrounded by adult virtual strangers on their 9th birthday?

Indeed 😂!

He's trying so hard to be crap, the least you could do is make an effort.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/07/2023 14:29

I have 2 stepsons and a stepdaughter, I have never once asked what my dh has planned because I trust him to have dealt with it, I trust him to let me know if it affects me in any way but I don't need to check up on him or prompt him.

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:31

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/07/2023 14:29

I have 2 stepsons and a stepdaughter, I have never once asked what my dh has planned because I trust him to have dealt with it, I trust him to let me know if it affects me in any way but I don't need to check up on him or prompt him.

So you just wake up on the morning of their birthdays and drift into unexpected parties and events? Sounds a bit disconcerting to be honest.

YoBeaches · 07/07/2023 14:34

It's pretty shit that given the circumstances, and you both knew he would be staying with you, as did his mother, NOBODY has planned anything for his birthday.

Wow, poor kid.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 07/07/2023 14:34

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:31

So you just wake up on the morning of their birthdays and drift into unexpected parties and events? Sounds a bit disconcerting to be honest.

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Not really, he really is on the ball so does everything food included. Yes if it's at home he'd let me know but not if its elsewhere

phoenixrosehere · 07/07/2023 14:34

Lakeshorelilac · 07/07/2023 14:17

OP, you and your DH should both have been planning this child's birthday. Yes the primary responsibility is dad's, but when you married his father you took on responsibility to care for the child too - at least morally.
It's not okay to put all this on your DH. Yes, of course he is at fault, bigtime, but so are you. Hope the pair of you can organise something quickly now.

How is it her fault or on her when it has been something the parents of her SS have always done the whole time without OP’s input?

A precedent was set by the child’s mum and dad and if they had wanted OP involved they would have done so before, but they didn’t. The relationship doesn’t sound as if OP is seen as a parent to her ss but more that she is her DH’s wife and mother to his half brother. She’s a relative at best with no input on such things until now that her DH has decided she needs to do something because he himself couldn’t be bothered and decided to put it on OP. Something will be done, likely what OP thought was going to happen, and her ss will still have a birthday.

billy1966 · 07/07/2023 14:37

Typical loser male asking the nearest vagina has she organised something for HIS child 🙄.

Going for a bite to eat would be normal.

If his father thinks a party is a good idea, perhaps he should pull his finger out and take responsibility for organising it.

I don't know how women find men like this attractive.

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 14:38

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:31

So you just wake up on the morning of their birthdays and drift into unexpected parties and events? Sounds a bit disconcerting to be honest.

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Not every child wants parties.

Curseofthenation · 07/07/2023 14:38

It's your DH's fault but as others have said, it is surprising that nothing has been discussed. Has he even got a present? Who has organised his birthday in previous years?

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 14:39

sandyhappypeople · 07/07/2023 14:18

I posted that in response to this:
She hasn't said once she's the organiser though.

She openly said she organised that party for THEIR toddler, but you're totally missing the point, they should have organised something for him TOGETHER, because he is staying with THEM and in THEIR house. Why would one person be expected to do it (either the OP or DH) when you're a family it should very much be a team effort? They're both being awful, to each other and to him.

But my point was step-parents shouldn't get a free pass because 'it's not my kid'.. For all intents and purposes, when they are in your house with you under your supervision, you ARE a parent, whether that be step / biological / adopted / carer whatever.

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She said 'my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.'

Sounds like OP didn't do much.

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:40

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus

Do you go along too or skip them? I'm
Just curious about this. I can't really imagine planning a big thing like that and not mentioning it to my partner.

Beautiful3 · 07/07/2023 14:40

He's staying with both of you, so you both should have discussed his birthday plans. It is difficult because why would your family visit, when he's to do with your husband and ex. I would have assumed play date/sleep over and meal out/take out with a birthday cake too.

JusthereforXmas · 07/07/2023 14:41

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:31

So you just wake up on the morning of their birthdays and drift into unexpected parties and events? Sounds a bit disconcerting to be honest.

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I dont think any of my step parents came to any of my childhood birthday parties... why would they?

Hell I dont think my shitty bio dad even came to any, My mam organised and hosted them all and my stepdad was usually busy doing his own life stuff.

Coolhwip · 07/07/2023 14:42

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:40

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus

Do you go along too or skip them? I'm
Just curious about this. I can't really imagine planning a big thing like that and not mentioning it to my partner.

She didn't say it was a 'big thing'.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 07/07/2023 14:42

Naunet · 07/07/2023 14:28

when you chose to be in a relationship with a person who already has a child, you at that moment accept the fact you will need to look at that child as your own for the relationship to actually work

Again, no you don’t and parents need to stop being so fucking entitled as to think their partner can be used as a free nanny and party planner. Relationships aren’t a one way street, you’re not entitled to someone else’s labour just because you are a single parent. What made you think you get to dictate what people MUST do for other peoples children? The entitlement is unbelievable. YOU made a choice to bring that child into the world, not your new partner, and when you did that YOU took on full responsibility for them along with the other parent.

I could kiss you.

wutheringkites · 07/07/2023 14:44

@JusthereforXmas

I don't know, I don't have step parents or step children so have never really thought about it.

I guess I assumed people would at least pretend to be a family of some type.

sandyhappypeople · 07/07/2023 14:44

Naunet · 07/07/2023 14:25

How many step dads do you think are expected plan parties for their step children with no discussion? Because that’s what we’re talking about here, not general care, not making sure the child doesn’t come to harm, but the typical ‘wife work’ that men love to leave to women.

Show quote history

I've literally just said: Why would one person be expected to do it (either the OP or DH) when you're a family it should very much be a team effort?

So I'm not sure on your point? IMO the husband is wrong for assuming OP would plan anything with discussion (even if she WAS the organiser, she wouldn't just do it??), the OP is wrong for assuming it's not her kid so not her problem.

They're both massively wrong for not discussing and planning this together.

MN seems so hellbent on either the man being wrong or the woman being in the wrong, why can't it be a bit of both?

CrazyHedgehogLover · 07/07/2023 14:46

@Coolhwip did you actually take time to read my comment? I said for her to ask stepsons mum if she had any numbers of friends he has.. it’s really not hard😂 or yes, dad could do this! My comment was aimed at both of them because I find them both equally awful for not arranging something for a child who is with them on there birthday..

they clearly have contact with the child’s mum, so it’s not hard to message and ask if she has any numbers so they can arrange a sleepover.. try to read properly before jumping on people😆