Husband annoyed that my family haven't arranged to celebrate DCs birthday

[HailHale]

Will try to keep it short. My husband and I share a child and he also has an older child with his ex. Our child is 3 and SS is 8.

The children's birthdays are about 2 weeks apart.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.

I need to preface this with saying I have never arranged or planned anything for my SS for his birthday before as its always been between DH and his mum and this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler as other years they were just too young to really care.

This year unfortunately his mum is away looking after a very unwell family member and so SS is with us over his birthday (which is tomorrow).

DH randomly asked me this morning whether I'd planned anything for it and when I said no why? He said i should have asked my family to do the same for SS. He works all week and apparently doesn't have the time to be planning parties (I'm part time). I will add here that DH has no family here, they are all abroad and not close.

Aibu to not have arranged anything with my family for SS and to not rush around doing it now? Happy to go for a meal just us but not asking my family to mess around now at the last minute because he's not done anything for his own son.

Can you invite one or two of SS's friends and along with your Dh take them for a nice day out at an amusement park or something? Regardless of whose fault it is, 8 is an age when kids remember stuff so would be nice to make him feel a bit special regardless. Meal out and presents are OK but feels like something older people do for their birthday.

When you have a child you accept that working isn’t a get out of jail free card to take on any responsibility for said child. How does he think single working mothers manage?

And who decided women had too take on all the planning and arranging for step kids? Who made that rule, because it seems to simply be another way to force women into provide free labour for men to make their lives easier. I don’t see step dads being expected to arrange birthdays etc.

How has OP organising a family get together with. her own family ONCE for her toddler turned her into the "organiser" in the relationship? When it sounds like she has never had any hand in organising the DSS's birthdays? Where is the mother's extended family - why aren't they organising something for their grandchild to help out their daughter? The answer is - the bloody DH said he would handle it, and has failed, because he's probably never had any real input into his own DS's birthdays in. the past - just left it as woman's work, and lapped up the glory.

This!!!

I think it's fair to say that if you're at the point in your marriage where you don't communicate and the first reaction you both have in a situation like this is blame each other, then it's probably best to call it a day.

For my toddlers birthday my family came round and we all had a food together, my grandma made a cake, family members all brought a dish kind of thing. It wasn't extravagant but it was a nice day/evening.... this is the first year I've done something like this for our toddler.

The clue was in the OP, there was no WE anywhere in there.

They should have organised this TOGETHER, but if that's not the norm in their house, it's not really surprising DH has not bothered and assumed OP would be the one organising everything. It doesn't make it right, no, the dad is just as culpable, if not more, here, IMO it shouldn't ever be down to one person in a relationship to do everything.

😂 Notice how casually they throw out the misogyny. Why the mums indeed. I just wish posters had the balls to say 'you need to sort it because you are the woman' instead of inventing their own narrative in their bid to absolve the FATHER of needing to do ANYTHING. I would at least respect the honesty.

@pillsthrillsandbellyache has explained that OP isn’t the organiser (the toddler’s party was the first party, and it was mainly her family who organised it.

So true!

Of course it's not on you to organise a party.

But, I chat to my brothers, my friends, colleagues, about what plans they have for their kids upcoming birthdays.

I can't really imagine living with a person who has a child and that not coming up in conversation.

So because she's done it ONCE, that makes her the organiser? Come on, you seriously can't think that. I cooked tea last night, does that make me chief cook?

Where does she say it’s the norm? And even if it was, why does that mean she has to do it for his son too when he’s fully capable of doing it himself? Do you often volunteer other women’s labour to entitled lazy fathers?

If a man has a child and is looking to meet a new partner, he needs to understand that she’s not his free nanny, he’s not entitled to decide he can hand over parenting to her with no discussion.

I neeed to point this out for the final time too
The DH NORMALLY sorts out his sons birthday. OP was happy to go along with whatever he had planned.
He just forgot to inform the OP that she should have been planning a party 😁

think they're BOTH being awful, especially in the circumstances, they should both want to do something nice for him to take his mind off what's going on with his mum. Not treat it as a 'not my problem' bullshit point scoring exercise.

She had more of a plan than her DH. She said that she thought it would be presents (already bought for him) and dinner and him possibly having a friend over for a sleepover. His dad had nothing of the sorts and only mentioned today that he had no plans and wants OP and her family to throw something together.

It doesn't matter who "should" arrange a party, or whose job it is or isn't.

The only one who actually matters is the 8 yr old. Any of the adults around him who isn't prepared to make him feel special on his birthday is a disgrace.

I can't believe there's been no discussion until now. That is in itself fucked up.

What’s the bet if OP had just gone ahead and planned a big party or something, with no discussion at all, just like he expected and then it turned out he actually had arranged something himself and it clashed, who would be at fault then? OP of course.

I don’t know why anyone would be a step mum, so many men have unrealistic expectations and seem to think anyone with a vagina will gladly step into the mum role so that they don’t have to do any parenting themselves anymore, and as always, there’s an army of handmaidens willing to enforce their demands, all to make men’s lives easier.

You are not being unreasonable as its not your child or job... work or not its up to him to organise it not YOUR family.

There are different types of step parent, you are clearly a 'part time' step parent from what you said, you haven't replaced the childs actual parent as a full time parent you are just a 'bonus' parent. All parenting things still fall to his actual parents in these cases.

You chose to take on a man with a child but your family did not, they do not have to do anything they didn't make a choice or owe anyone anything.

I have been sick for weeks even in hospital, I still managed to pull something out of my ass yesterday for my kids birthday this weekend... if I didn't no one would (not even bio family) and I never expected them too.

Tell you DH even at work he can think something to do up and then book it on his break.

no, it's just very odd and cold.

They aren't related to him so why would they do all that? Unless you adopted him I wouldn't expect your family to make the same effort, he has his own grandparents, what about the mother why isn't she organising anything? Her family could do something even if she's away, he's their relative.

I just feel sorry for the boy. He’s only 8 years old and no party has been organised, no making plans for an exciting day out, nothing. He must be feeling pretty rubbish about his birthday tomorrow. On top of that he’s probably missing his Mum and may well be pretty upset about the person who’s ill, who I’m assuming is either a family member or close friend. I’m actually amazed his birthday hasn’t been an exciting topic of conversation for him for several weeks at home. Most kids love talking about their upcoming birthdays.

Nope, everyone matters, not just children and a kid won’t be traumatised for life just because they didn’t have a birthday party. I don’t think I ever had one, amazing I’m still alive, huh?

OP, you and your DH should both have been planning this child's birthday. Yes the primary responsibility is dad's, but when you married his father you took on responsibility to care for the child too - at least morally.
It's not okay to put all this on your DH. Yes, of course he is at fault, bigtime, but so are you. Hope the pair of you can organise something quickly now.

I posted that in response to this:
She hasn't said once she's the organiser though.

She openly said she organised that party for THEIR toddler, but you're totally missing the point, they should have organised something for him TOGETHER, because he is staying with THEM and in THEIR house. Why would one person be expected to do it (either the OP or DH) when you're a family it should very much be a team effort? They're both being awful, to each other and to him.

But my point was step-parents shouldn't get a free pass because 'it's not my kid'.. For all intents and purposes, when they are in your house with you under your supervision, you ARE a parent, whether that be step / biological / adopted / carer whatever.

@sandyhappypeople

just doesn’t work like that does it

it always makes ends up being the woman taking the brunt of it all

the way people have assumed that the op is the ‘organiser’ of the house speaks volume - this assumption that party planning is women’s work.

To me the answer to all these types of threads are the same. What would you like to happen if the roles were reversed and this was happening to your child? Because that should be your answer. You'd be happy your child having no real celebration? All fine, act like this is nothing to do with you. If you'd wish that the adults in his life (related to him by blood or not) would treat him with compassion and love on his Birthday, then you need to ensure that's what you do too.