To ditch pregnant guest?

[Sofasandslobbies]

Old friends visiting for a long weekend. They are usually quite hard work but they are long term friends who are good with our elderly parents and 4 DCs so we tend to go along with it and accept it as a character part of their personality.

we’d arrange for them to visit and we have got DCs looked after with the plan to go out out, lots of drinks etc. DP and I have not been out kid free for over a year.

Theyve arrived this afternoon with the great news they are expecting DC1. Really great news and we’re super excited for them. She now, understandably, doesn’t want to go out. Feels tired and sick.

Are we being unreasonable (DP and I?) to say they can make themselves at home, but we’re still going?? We really need this night out and getting 4 DCs looked after is no mean feat with limited family available.

Im shocked by how many people in MN are saying OP should do exactly what she wants. Don’t people have any sense of making little sacrifices for their friends ir not always putting themselves first?? Amazing.

Works both ways though. I had horrendous morning sickness and migraines in both pregnancies plus anaemia with dc2. Didn't stop me socialising as planned with friends and colleagues. I felt like garbage wherever I was.

A good friend knowing OP's plans and circumstances (lack of babysitters etc) would have given her a head's up in advance or been prepared to compromise in some way. Turning up and expecting them to cancel a looked forward to night out without warning is not a great look either.

That said, I'd cancel the sitter and order takeout.

How does she know how she’ll feel this evening? Sounds like a massive drama queen. I would move things around a bit - say ‘oh shame you are feeling tired, let’s go and grab some food early doors’ She has to eat! Then have drinks a bit earlier than planned. Maybe they slope off to your house and you stay out…

I remember many times when pregnant just going out and being the designated driver/sucking it up a bit. We went to stay at friends once and I just had a nap in the afternoon so I was good to go in the evening.

You have to adapt a bit! It’s not an illness

No
Stay in and celebrate another way.
They’re your friends

It would be a bit rude to go out, but also, they sound like massive pains in the arse.

I don't think you can leave them at home but I would let them know that it's disappointing to have to cancel a longed for childfree night at such short notice. I wouldn't dream of letting someone go through the hassle to arrange childcare and not intend to go out.

But if you’re hosting house guests, don’t you expect to put them first?

Doesn’t someone with 4 kids try to remember the excitement of the first pregnancy and telling people and be prepared to cut them slack about not having mentioned the planned night-out might not be a goer?

Yes, there’s scope on both sides to make a little sacrifice and consider the other. Lots on here seem to think the other person should do it and that their default position isnt to put themselves out and expect the other person to do it. Instead of a sense of entitlement and rights, it’s a better world when people are prepared to be the one to put themselves out and not tos eve it as being a doormat or being taken advantage if. These are friends after all, with some big news. Spending the evening with the guests you’ve invited seems to be the priority to me, not going out and leaving them behind. The little pang of disappointment at not getting the child free night woukd surely be just a little pang for most…moved on from quickly. And honestly, who allows themselves to decide the invited house guest is selfish for not losing their moment to announce their first pregnancy, instead of saying it by phone or text?

I too would cancel the sitter and get a takeaway or similar.

So much grudging and ungenerous people. So many who are determined to focus on their rights and what the other person should be doing for them, rather than the other way round.

Yes, first time pregnant people can be a bit precious. It’s easy to forget when you’re a seasoned Mum and might have been through it several times. But we were probably all a bit like it at one point, and even if we weren’t , can’t we cut our friends some slack for not being as robust as we might have been?

I just find people very hard and ungenerous to be honest.

Thanks for all the replies. What a mixed bag. I think people are right that we are different stages of life and friendships have cooled. There is a slight age gap and this particular friend has always been high maintenance and a drama queen. Had I of known she was pregnant I would have predicted that she would be too debilitated to do anything for 9 months.

I can see why people think im selfish and unkind and tbh we have probably allowed the friendship to limp on longer than it should. I think we both continue out of obligation and 10+ years of friendship.

Food for thought. I probably am being selfish but I also am more annoyed by it not being the first time we've all had to bow down to a whim of there's.

Thanks all x

I'd be going out, it's not your problem and it's been over a year.

They should have told you beforehand, not springing it on you last minute when you've made the plans with a babysitter etc.

Why would you go out when your visiting friends who have come to see you, cannot? How very rude. Yes it’s a shame, but if you go out you’re basically saying sod you and your pregnancy, I don’t care about either. And I’m sure whoever agreed to look after your DC this evening will come another time.

Also, if you had known about the pregnancy before the visit, would you have cancelled the whole weekend? If that’s the case, they’re clearly not good friends of yours, and I’d stop asking them to socialise with you.

Food for thought. I probably am being selfish but I also am more annoyed by it not being the first time we've all had to bow down to a whim of there's.

From your update, it's obvious that you are not friends any more.
You have said a lot of negative stuff about this woman.
You've got 4 kids and this is their first (assume they maybe had issues conceiving if your age, or put off having a child, or are much younger.)

That's fine, you are allowed to let friends drift away once your lives are different.

However, to maintain the moral high ground, I'd say you observe her needs this time round, and make it the last time you see them (unless through your parents as family friends.)

Being pregnant and feeling sick is not asking you to bow down to a 'whim' though, is it?
Even the least likely 'drama queens' are allowed to feel sick! Not exactly something a woman chooses to feel.

You can't possibly go out and leave them at your house. Truly shocked for some posters to think this is how you treat people who are supposed to be friends.

You suck it up and then let the 'friendship' go.

And they’re not “springing” a pregnancy on you - most people like to tell to their friends/families face, especially if they are seeing them in person imminently. I’ve never heard of someone having to divulge a pregnancy for the convenience of someone else?

Well, if you've had enough of this less than ideal friendship you can now give it the kiss of death by going out without them and handing them the take away menu. I don't think they'll be back.

Does she feel sick 24/7? That’s very rare. She needs to make an effort to go out for a few hours after you have gone to so much trouble to sort childcare.

She should have not let you organise all the childcare if she was going to do this. If she didn’t want to tell you she was pregnant she could have made another excuse ‘money is a bit tight so let’s eat in and get a takeaway’ or ‘I’ve been feeling a bit run down, be lovely to see you but can we have a quiet night in at yours’

Absolutely still go out.

I think we've all had friends like this....

I'd suck the weekend up but I wouldn't arrange anything around them again after this.

It's really not all that rare. I was sick all day for almost the whole 9 months and so was my daughter. I wouldn't have wanted to go anywhere. Maybe she made the effort to travel to OP's house snd it was too much for her. You don't always know how bad you'll feel from one hour to the next. When I was feeling at my worst I just wanted to be left alone.

Yep if I was that sick then staying at someone’s house would be off the cards.

I don't wish to parrot the MN cliché that you don't sound like you like them very much but, well, you don't. Literally the first thing you said about them was that they were hard work but you keep them on because they are good with your DC and parents. You sound like you're talking about a flatulent old Labrador!

I think you may as well go out. It doesn't sound like you will mourn the friendship much if it all kicks off.

I'd go out, take her husband. and leave her at home for a quiet night in with some good films. If she's at the sick/ tired stage she'll probably really appreciate the space and peace .

You can tell them both, in a years time they'll realy appreciate what a treat it is for parents to go out on a date.

This

People clearly fall into 2 camps on this thread.

I’m surprised by the intolerance of any kind of weakness and emphasis on ‘me first’.

Yes, sounds like this friendship has run its course for OP - she feels no warmth towards these people. However, having invited them, the right thing is to host them. All kinds of excuses can be made not to do that and to instead go out…but they are basically excuses to justify leaving house guests alone, instead of putting their needs first. After this meet-up , it’s up to them how they continue or don’t continue the friendship. However, when you’re hosting house-guests, really you’re committed to showing hospitality and at least appearing to do it with good grace. One would hope that you can actually muster that good grace in reality, but if you can’t, it really does indicate that the friendship might have run its course….but letting it lapse is for the future and not now, and for now you really should be accepting the loss of the night out.

The friendship being on borrowed time, is probably why you are so unforgiving of the loss of the night out OP. If it was other friends who you felt genuine warmth to, the sickness and loss of a night out probably wouldn’t mean so much to you. But see this as your loss of warmth and not really the guest’s fault here. Time and circumstances mean you’ve grown apart and perhaos the days of hosting each other have passed and the friendship needs to slide. Maybe they don’t know that yet. Whilst being in your house as guests and being newly pregnant is not the time to find that out by being ‘ditched’ as you out it yourself.

They've been your friends for years and years and been kind with your four children and your elderly parents, how many times have the plans when you spend time together been dictated to by what would suit you/the kids/the parents? My guess is EVERY time. Now they are finally having a baby of their own and you are really cross that the pregnant woman doesn't feel like going out and watching you all get pissed. Really???

If I were her I wouldn't mind (much) being left at home maybe post a dinner at home, to get an early night and relax. Will her partner still go out with you? I'd certainly encourage my husband to do so. But if neither of them want to go out and you go out anyway I'd think you were really incredibly rude. They've travelled to see you!!! Yes sometimes guests are a pain but as I said if you think how often you've probably decided where/when you go out and when you have to be back etc etc around their family circumstances, you sound incredibly begrudging of theirs.