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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year olds DD sleepover with boyfriend

158 replies

spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 18:03

I have a 13 year old DD that wants to sleep over at her 15 year old boyfriends house (I know there is an age gap but he is quite immature so i am not overly worried about it and dont really need comments on that as I know them both so am comfortable with it as all time is spent in our house or his with parental supervision)

My Dd says all her friends parents allow their boyfriends to sleep over. I just want some parents to let me know if they would allow it. Im sure if the answers but am going to show her I'm not being unreasonable!!

OP posts:
evtheria · 06/07/2023 18:55

Noooo way, I would not let my DS have a sleepover with his gf when he is 15 and she's 13. Even if they don't get up to anything, guaranteed all their friends and schoolmates will start rumours about it... and unfortunately your daughter will bear the brunt of that.

Original poster
spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 18:58

@EctopicSpleen don't start labelling them as Romeo and Juliet, that is far too romantic and encouraging!!!

OP posts:
Dulra · 06/07/2023 18:59

No
It's times like this it is important to protect children. Whose idea was the sleepover?
It is completely irrelevant what other parents agree to you need to protect your child and not allow her to be in a situation that she's not ready for, or mature enough to know how to deal with. She'll thank you in the future

NameChangingGame · 06/07/2023 19:00

You are setting a dangerous precedent by allowing parenting by committee (MN).

Your gut said no. You said no. The answer is no.

You do not need to justify your perfectly valid parenting decisions to a 13 year old.

BTW This is also a public service announcement!

Zola1 · 06/07/2023 19:00

My daughter is 13, there is no way in the entire universe that she would be having a sleepover with any boy, especially not a 15 year old boyfriend. Absolutely no.

WonderfulUsername · 06/07/2023 19:00

She needs to know that it's what you say that matters, not some internet randoms.

FudgeFlake · 06/07/2023 19:01

It's so depressing how many people don't actually read the whole message - just charge in with an opinion based on a couple of words in the middle. Your dd seems to have a mostly friendship relationship with her 'bf' - I can relate to this, I had a friend who happened to be a boy at this sort of age and our friendship was the important bit - and still is 40 years later! On the other hand I also had a friend who happened to be a boy who definitely tried to take our relationship a lot physically closer when we were 14 and 16. He did accept NO for an answer and we are on polite nodding terms when we encounter each other. My parents were perfectly happy to accommodate boyfriends for me and my sisters. On the pullout sofa in the end sitting room, which was not on a through route to anywhere so they could sleep in past breakfast. But there was no way to get up the stairs and to our bedrooms without stepping on the creaky floor boards and attracting our dad's attention 😂

badluckorbadvibes · 06/07/2023 19:02

spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 18:36

@AffIt @badluckorbadvibes it may seem to you that I have lost some sort of respect asking people but this is a forum of mums. I don't have many friends so this seemed the perfect place to ask many mums if they thought the same way I did. She has respect for me. She is a little girl who tried to push a boundary. Every teen does it. She knows my thoughts and has just asked when I would say yes. When I replied 18 she just rolled her eyes laughed and that was the end of it. She knows how I feel and asp because of the things in her life that again I am not going to discuss knows I am her biggest support and always on her side so knows I am saying these things in her best interest

The issue isn't you asking. Well actually when it comes to a 13 year old and a 15 year old having to ask actually is an issue, but that's not the point.

Asking for advice? Fine. Showing your child with a 'told you so' attitude, not fine.

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 06/07/2023 19:02

Absolutely not. My parents didn't even let me have boyfriend staying over night when I was 18 until we'd been together a decent length of time and they knew it was serious

godmum56 · 06/07/2023 19:02

spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 18:13

I have shown her your responses and now she is truly pissed off!!

Then your job here is done :)

Original poster
spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 19:02

Please see my response above, I told her no, she didn't know I posted, I showed her the first 20 or so answers. This thread would have never affected my parenting in anyway. It was to prove that other parents also think like me. Not to influence me in any way. This wasn't like a TikTok 'if I get 1000 likes I'll buy a puppy' nonsense!

OP posts:
DrCoconut · 06/07/2023 19:03

Me too @itsmylife7 I had to be at least 16 and left school before my mum would even consider letting me have a boyfriend. She thought before that (and ideally after into college) I should be focusing on studies and hobbies. Having worked with teen boys she probably had a good point trying to protect me. But 13 is too young for sleeping over whatever your views on dating age.

NickOTeen · 06/07/2023 19:03

Hard to believe that any parent would seriously ask random people on the internet if she is wrong to say no to her 13 yr old daughter having a "sleepover" with her 15 yr old boyfriend.

badluckorbadvibes · 06/07/2023 19:04

This thread would have never affected my parenting in anyway. It was to prove that other parents also think like me. N

That. Is. The. Problem.

Original poster
spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 19:05

@badluckorbadvibes why? She says others allow it, sleepovers, phones, booty shorts whatever it is. I am of the opinion that many many don't and this has shown it.

OP posts:
badluckorbadvibes · 06/07/2023 19:06

spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 19:05

@badluckorbadvibes why? She says others allow it, sleepovers, phones, booty shorts whatever it is. I am of the opinion that many many don't and this has shown it.

You don't seem to understand that you are a parent and can say no without using 'back up'

It doesn't matter what she says. You don't have to prove anything. You say 'not a chance, haha' and get in with whatever you were doing. Don't give it traction. Don't invite a discussion. Don't act like a petulant child trying to prove your point.

Original poster
spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 19:08

@FudgeFlake yes they are really good friends. She is good for him and he her, they both cancel each others stress out and they laugh together so much. They are mates who have put a silly label on it. I am not fighting against it because she may dig her heels in. I just hope they remain friends for a long time because it has been so positive for them both. Their lives are not easy for a myriad of ways and in each other they have found someone who gets it. AS FRIENDS BEFORE ANYONE THINKS I AM BOOKING THEIR WEDDING

OP posts:
Rewis · 06/07/2023 19:08

Absolutely not. I wouldnt really actively encourage a 13yo to have a bf that includes potential sleepovers. And I'm one of those people who wouldn't allow even a16yo to stay over with their bf.

itsmylife7 · 06/07/2023 19:10

spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 19:05

@badluckorbadvibes why? She says others allow it, sleepovers, phones, booty shorts whatever it is. I am of the opinion that many many don't and this has shown it.

Ask for the names and numbers of the parents that allow it. 😉
Teenagers make me laugh they forget parents were Teenagers once. 😁

Original poster
spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 19:10

@badluckorbadvibes if you would read what I have said I have said numerous times I told her no. That was the end then I posted this. If I hadn't nothing would have changed. She knows how I feel and knows I would protect her from mistakes she doesn't even know she would be making until my last breath

OP posts:
EmmaR0305 · 06/07/2023 19:12

That’s a big nope!

fridaynight1 · 06/07/2023 19:12

My Dd says all her friends parents allow their boyfriends to sleep over.

Ha! I remember using a similar argument with my parents. I think I wanted to go to town with my friends and my mum was absolutely having none of it. I think I remember saying it wasn't fair because all my friends were allowed.

Your instincts are 100 percent right.

badluckorbadvibes · 06/07/2023 19:13

spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 19:10

@badluckorbadvibes if you would read what I have said I have said numerous times I told her no. That was the end then I posted this. If I hadn't nothing would have changed. She knows how I feel and knows I would protect her from mistakes she doesn't even know she would be making until my last breath

You are completely missing the point.

Original poster
spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 19:14

@itsmylife7 exactly. We have all tried 'well so and so's mum lets her'. She knows I won't fall for it. This was meant to be a bit lighthearted but has turned into some weird attack on my ability to parent!

OP posts:
badluckorbadvibes · 06/07/2023 19:16

There is not a single indication of 'lighthearted' in your OP about a 13 year old and 15 year old having a sleepover. It's hardly the topic for it, after all.