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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

13 year olds DD sleepover with boyfriend

158 replies

spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 18:03

I have a 13 year old DD that wants to sleep over at her 15 year old boyfriends house (I know there is an age gap but he is quite immature so i am not overly worried about it and dont really need comments on that as I know them both so am comfortable with it as all time is spent in our house or his with parental supervision)

My Dd says all her friends parents allow their boyfriends to sleep over. I just want some parents to let me know if they would allow it. Im sure if the answers but am going to show her I'm not being unreasonable!!

OP posts:
Motnight · 06/07/2023 18:44

You started the thread so that you could show your DD the responses 🤣

You need to feel comfortable just saying no.

ChocoChocoLatte · 06/07/2023 18:44

Its a no from me too

Sarfar45 · 06/07/2023 18:44

No she's 13!

laveritable · 06/07/2023 18:44

Shocking! NO

Original poster
spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 18:45

@momonpurpose she was told no and the conversation was finished then I made the post and showed her. She knew my feelings on it. Tbh I am just fed up of the 'but it's not fair, everyone else's parents say yes' about phones at night, being on social media, staying out, boyfriends etc when I say no and stand firm so asking a whole bunch of parents seemed an answer because now I know I am definitely not the only parent that runs my house in this way

OP posts:
Tophy124 · 06/07/2023 18:46

Absolutely not!

I went to school (a nice school) and had 3 girls in my year get pregnant age 14. I didn’t ask for a boyfriend to sleep over until I was 18 and my mum made sure I was on contraception before agreeing. My mother was a teen mum and did everything she could to be upfront and honest with us about pregnancy, pregnancy prevention and how one time really can be enough when you’re that age. She actually frightened me lol but I didn’t have my first baby until I was nearly 30 and in a stable relationship so it worked! Be upfront with your daughter. It’s also to keep her safe from being pressured into doing things.

Newmumatlast · 06/07/2023 18:46

Notmineagain · 06/07/2023 18:06

Wth is she doing even having a boyfriend at 13?? She's a child Fgs. Go be a parent and stop this nonsense of sleeping over at her 'boyfriends' house. I despair.

Agree with this, sorry. Yes fine have a boyfriend but to treat it like a serious relationship with sleep lovers etc is madness

WonderfulUsername · 06/07/2023 18:46

Motnight · 06/07/2023 18:44

You started the thread so that you could show your DD the responses 🤣

You need to feel comfortable just saying no.

This ^^

Your child will never learn to respect you if you call upon strangers to 'prove you're in the right', and to justify yourself.

NumberTheory · 06/07/2023 18:47

My allowed sleepovers with my teens’ boy/girlfriends from 12 on up, but not sleeping in the same room (and I checked several time during the night). Since the attraction was the staying up chatting until the early hours and they didn’t get that, it only tended to happen if it was logistically useful.

Summerfun54321 · 06/07/2023 18:47

She will push back and say it's not fair. Just tell her that life isn't fair and you don't try to be fair. Your job is to protect her and look after her, not to be her friend.

Riri24 · 06/07/2023 18:47

Would be a hard no from me, even if he is the sweetest boy in the world!

Maireas · 06/07/2023 18:47

Glad you have made it clear to her. Also, every other (good) parent checks their children's phone activity as well, in case she thinks you're the only one doing that!

QueenofLouisiana · 06/07/2023 18:47

Nope you absolutely aren’t “the only one”. (I allowed a girlfriend to stay over once both were in 6th form and had been together several months).

hiredandsqueak · 06/07/2023 18:47

Have had five teens none of them had a sleepover with their bf or gf below the age of consent.

shrubgreen · 06/07/2023 18:47

spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 18:36

@AffIt @badluckorbadvibes it may seem to you that I have lost some sort of respect asking people but this is a forum of mums. I don't have many friends so this seemed the perfect place to ask many mums if they thought the same way I did. She has respect for me. She is a little girl who tried to push a boundary. Every teen does it. She knows my thoughts and has just asked when I would say yes. When I replied 18 she just rolled her eyes laughed and that was the end of it. She knows how I feel and asp because of the things in her life that again I am not going to discuss knows I am her biggest support and always on her side so knows I am saying these things in her best interest

I think this is such an important point OP. I remember a colleague once telling me that when she was 13 she had an 18 year old bf (!) and her "cool mum" was fine with him sleeping over. She (colleague) said that she was desperate for her mum to put her foot down and say no, so she had an excuse to tell her bf that she wasn't allowed to have him over. She wanted her mum to say no because she didn't feel able to herself. So sad. It always stayed with me.

Tophy124 · 06/07/2023 18:47

spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 18:45

@momonpurpose she was told no and the conversation was finished then I made the post and showed her. She knew my feelings on it. Tbh I am just fed up of the 'but it's not fair, everyone else's parents say yes' about phones at night, being on social media, staying out, boyfriends etc when I say no and stand firm so asking a whole bunch of parents seemed an answer because now I know I am definitely not the only parent that runs my house in this way

It’s an easy thing to say isn’t it but I garantee nobody responsible is allowing this and the ones who are are risking teen pregnancies or their children being pressured into things. You’re doing the right thing and she will be grateful when she’s older and looks back on the boundaries you had to keep her safe.

Original poster
spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 18:49

@Tophy124 there is a history of teen pregnancies in her wider family so this is not something she wants or I am willing to deal with. When I talk about babies with all my kids I tell them when you are 30 is fine!

OP posts:
Yellowlegobrick · 06/07/2023 18:50

Why has she got a "boyfriend" at fucking 13? What a joke

Summerfun54321 · 06/07/2023 18:51

No idea why people are slating the OP for posting this. Why wouldn't someone post something about parenting on a forum for mums!? It's literally what this entire website was set up for.

Braveheart35 · 06/07/2023 18:51

Notmineagain · 06/07/2023 18:06

Wth is she doing even having a boyfriend at 13?? She's a child Fgs. Go be a parent and stop this nonsense of sleeping over at her 'boyfriends' house. I despair.

^ This.

Original poster
spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 18:51

I can't say many more times, she does respect me. If I hadn't posted she would have known the answer the same as she does after. We have a good relationship. She knows I want the best for her in every aspect of her life. Maybe from this thread people are reading into it that we have a problem we don't. I am a firm but fair parent. She knows that and I showed her the thread after the first 20 or so. I wouldn't show her know as everyone saying she should respect me or I have no respect from her would upset her. She is a great kid but as all kids do when they are teens she pushes a bit to see what she can get away with

OP posts:
Original poster
spudulike1 · 06/07/2023 18:53

@Summerfun54321 thank you. She is a good kid. I'm a good parent. I don't have anything to do with other parents at school really so wouldn't have chatted to anyone in real life about this.

OP posts:
EctopicSpleen · 06/07/2023 18:53

Thy child is yet a stranger in the world;
She hath not seen the change of fourteen years.
Let two more summers wither in their pride
Ere we may think her ripe to be a bride

Italiangreyhound · 06/07/2023 18:53

No.

EctopicSpleen · 06/07/2023 18:54

Younger than she are happy mothers made