Page 25 | To hate how mums always have to sacrifice their career...

rumun88 · 2023-07-06T13:31:36+00:00

I have 2 kids .. one 18 month old and a 6 year old. I work in a cafe for an estate, one week day and one weekend day and there's no flexibility in that I have to do a weekend day. I've been offered a job as a GP receptionist and I would love to take it. But it's only £10.42 an hour and with it being weekdays we would need to pay childcare. Basically with the summer hols coming up, childcare for both kids would cost more than my wage. DH will cover it, but part of me is thinking what's the point when it means I'm not bringing any money to the pot technically. I'd also have to have both kids in different childcare settings which are opposite side of town by 7.30am. In my current job he works from home the 1 week day and is home the weekend day so no childcare. So I have the choice, take the new job and get my weekends back but don't exactly earn, keep my current job and work every single weekend.. or be a SAHM. Please help. I could cry! I was a dental nurse before kids and again childcare was an issue. We have no family support. What would you do?

HeartDP · 10/07/2023 10:50

Having a bigger age gap is a very simple, sensible solution to this (If maternal age allows obviously). But not one that most women are keen to take seriously. There are 2 reasons for this, firstly it’s seen as ideal and it’s what most other people do, that is a very important driver. Personally I was very much an outlier with a 5 year gap.

Secondly, many women don’t seem to be happy to say that they wanted to be a SAHP. I’m not sure if that’s because they feel guilty? Especially in an age where so many women are going to university? So the “childcare is more than my salary” narrative is convenient for them to have a get out clause.

You have got to know that childcare for 2 under 3 year olds is going to be astronomical before you have your second surely? I know not all pregnancies are planned but most are. Childcare for 2 under 3 would be more than my salary, and I earn a good salary. That’s why I waited until DC1 was in school. It makes so much sense (if possible) and is very handy in the university years also.

anonymousxoxo · 10/07/2023 11:05

watermeloncougar · 10/07/2023 10:49

Tbh what any individual's family set up is, is not the issue here. We're all agreed that families all over the U.K. make their own decisions based on a range of factors and within certain limitations. I think the more enlightened of us also see that it's the outcomes for the children which is paramount - and that it's perfectly possible to raise children into happy, well adjusted and successful adults whether their parents work or not!

The real issue is that despite the massive advances in legislation and working practices, it is still the default position that the woman is the one who gives up work or takes a back seat. It's a fact that despite achieving better than males at school and university, females statistically earn less, hold fewer senior positions and are far less likely to be financially comfortable in their later life. I'm heading towards 60 and I see it around me among many of my peers... women who remain 'underemployed' doing jobs that are low paid but fit around the school run. Or women who never return to full time work after having children and realise too late that part time work = part time pension.

Those are the issues we should be concerned about. As a mum who gave birth 30 years ago when things were very different (my dh was back at work the day after the birth as there wasn't any paid paternity leave, and I was back at work 3 months later) I really hoped that things would have progressed further. The structures are in place now for it to be easier for mums and dads to share the load and it's a shame all round (for mum, dad and the children) that we are still in a position where the default is that mum will give up or step back in the workplace

Thank you for this, it’s exactly what I meant and you’ve written it perfectly!

anonymousxoxo · 10/07/2023 11:07

HeartDP · 10/07/2023 10:50

Having a bigger age gap is a very simple, sensible solution to this (If maternal age allows obviously). But not one that most women are keen to take seriously. There are 2 reasons for this, firstly it’s seen as ideal and it’s what most other people do, that is a very important driver. Personally I was very much an outlier with a 5 year gap.

Secondly, many women don’t seem to be happy to say that they wanted to be a SAHP. I’m not sure if that’s because they feel guilty? Especially in an age where so many women are going to university? So the “childcare is more than my salary” narrative is convenient for them to have a get out clause.

You have got to know that childcare for 2 under 3 year olds is going to be astronomical before you have your second surely? I know not all pregnancies are planned but most are. Childcare for 2 under 3 would be more than my salary, and I earn a good salary. That’s why I waited until DC1 was in school. It makes so much sense (if possible) and is very handy in the university years also.

Yup.. 100%!

I went to university for 4 years, worked hard and got a graduate job. I don’t want to give that up for 3 years, when pension age 60+ and rising. It seems shortsighted to do career suicide for couple years when maternity leave is 1 year. Pregnant and screwed help a lot with their campaigns.

watermeloncougar · 10/07/2023 11:10

@HeartDP I think because the average age for first time mums has increased a lot over recent decades, perhaps women are keen not to spread out child bearing over too many years. I can see the sense of what you say though, and I have friends who've done similar, waiting for the eldest to be in school or at least qualifying for 30 hours care before embarking on another child.

Myself, I actually have 3 kids and had them close together! But then I was back at work sooner than nowadays so I had a decent stretch back at work before taking the next mat leave. We took a real hit with 2 in nursery and one in wraparound school care, and again during the Uni years - at one point we were topping up all 3 kids' maintenance loans as eldest did a Masters! Tough going!

There's no 'right way'; but the important thing is that we keep moving (hopefully more and more quickly) towards a society where there's a true balance for mums and dads and it's acknowledged that both can earn and care equally well.

Sissynova · 10/07/2023 11:17

@HeartDP Having a bigger age gap is a very simple, sensible solution to this (If maternal age allows obviously). But not one that most women are keen to take seriously. There are 2 reasons for this, firstly it’s seen as ideal and it’s what most other people do, that is a very important driver. Personally I was very much an outlier with a 5 year gap.

It is a common line on mn that 2 years is an 'ideal' or even average age gap but actually in the UK the average gap between kids is much closer to 4 so clearly most people are spacing their kids out, whether that is choice or not.

HeartDP · 10/07/2023 12:30

Thanks @Sissynova That’s really interesting as that is totally not the case in my experience among my friendship group, mid/late thirties middle class women or in my work with families and children in a deprived area.

That is, unless there are more siblings, which would skew the data.

Both of my parents are 5 years younger than their siblings because my DGP waited until they could afford a second child.

whatkatydid2013 · 11/07/2023 11:01

HeartDP · 10/07/2023 12:30

Thanks @Sissynova That’s really interesting as that is totally not the case in my experience among my friendship group, mid/late thirties middle class women or in my work with families and children in a deprived area.

That is, unless there are more siblings, which would skew the data.

Both of my parents are 5 years younger than their siblings because my DGP waited until they could afford a second child.

My reason to have them close together was neither of the ones you listed. I just wanted to do the sleepless nights of babyhood all in one go if at all possible & I wanted to have both kids able to do similar activities, go to same schools majority of the time. I suspect maternal age is a big factor too. I was 34 when I had my first and I’d have been reluctant to wait too long just in case. I know lots of women with kids close together but they all went back to work. While it’s expensive that way I do think it makes logistics easier.

Chinsupmeloves · 17/12/2025 23:48

We don't have to give up our careers! Take maternity leave then go back to work, you don't have to quit. A lot of workplaces are open to going back pt, which I did 3 days a week, so didn't have to stop my career.

TempestTost · 18/12/2025 00:28

Personally, if either I or my husband had had a job that only broke even with childcare, we'd have seriously considered taking a career break for a few years.

As it happened, we wanted a bigger family, and lived where there was a significant commute and we weren't willing to leave the kids in care for that long of a day, so I left my work for a number of years and stayed home and did some differernt pt work over the years. Eventually I went back ft into the workforce in a differernt area. Dh has retired so he holds down the fort at home.

Lonliness at home is a real thing, but it's possible to find ways to get involved in things with other people that can be satisfying.

As far as your situation op, it strikes me that both jobs are of a type that you could likely find other similar things later if you want to. I's probably not the case that you'll never find opportunities like that again.