To hate how mums always have to sacrifice their career...

[rumun88]

I have 2 kids .. one 18 month old and a 6 year old. I work in a cafe for an estate, one week day and one weekend day and there's no flexibility in that I have to do a weekend day.

I've been offered a job as a GP receptionist and I would love to take it. But it's only £10.42 an hour and with it being weekdays we would need to pay childcare. Basically with the summer hols coming up, childcare for both kids would cost more than my wage. DH will cover it, but part of me is thinking what's the point when it means I'm not bringing any money to the pot technically. I'd also have to have both kids in different childcare settings which are opposite side of town by 7.30am. In my current job he works from home the 1 week day and is home the weekend day so no childcare.

So I have the choice, take the new job and get my weekends back but don't exactly earn, keep my current job and work every single weekend.. or be a SAHM.

Please help. I could cry! I was a dental nurse before kids and again childcare was an issue. We have no family support.

What would you do?

I have never said women who work don't raise their children. Work doing what and where? What are you even talking about? I admit I have a view on very small babies in nurseries full time. I would not be the only one. But, as for women in general who work (as in most of the world) how long is a piece if string? It depends on the individual. I mean a woman who spends half the year abroad is going to be doing less hands on parenting than someone who works 8-4. This is obvious.

As for working dads, the same applies. Some dads are more hands on than others, irrespective of whether the wife works or not. My DH is around most if the time these days as he WFH and he's never worked set hours so always been flexi, but some periods are busier than others and sometimes he travels. Other men with SAHMs will vary, as much as men whose wives work. The whole thing is daft. Why do people think that just because there is a SAHM, that's it, the husband does nothing? If you work and think you are still a parent, what is the difference with a man? The only difference is the mum has the kids, not a nanny or a nursery or a relative.

You need to learn how to quote.

Yup, I’m also embarrassing myself because I want women in the workplace to be treated equally and fairly.

Hours are important because before women would quit their jobs and look for a school hour job and term time. Now they don’t need to, with hybrid and remote working.

Insecure because I want women to work full time and not be dependent? Embarrassing because I want women to have equality and a seat at the table?

You sound ridiculous. It’s not the 1950’s anymore.

All this talk of careers aren’t important doesn’t apply to your husband clearly. Pathetic.

You really are being silly and dense right now

My POINT mentioning my hours was it fits into school hours pretty much, which means I DON’T miss anything with my children. I’m not missing anytime with them and I DON’T have to sacrifice my career. I CAN do school school runs 3-4 days a week and MAINTAIN my career.

So, all this talk of sacrificing is nonsense especially when a women has a office job which are 99% hybrid/remote now.

Men can choose this and be flexible, but many times they don’t. Hence, want to be facilitated by SAHM such as yourself.

I admit I have a view on very small babies in nurseries full time.

Actually, your view has changed a bit as the thread has gone on and you've been pulled up on what you are saying. You originally commented that it was a shame for OP to hand over her 18 months old (hardly a little baby?) to childcare just so she could work.

And @norestguests for someone who doesn't care and is only bothered about very small babies in childcare, you are oddly still here coming up with pro-SAHM and anti-working mum arguments....

Nordicrain - It's AIBU and there will be a range of views. Would I put an 18 month old in full time childcare for a job I could pick up later, if I didn't need the money? No personally. Having said this, an 18 month old is a very different matter to a 12 week old.

You do realise not all jobs can be picked up later and there’s more to a job than money? If you don’t want people to judge you being a SAHM, then don’t judge working mothers who put their children in childcare. Works both ways.

I am not anti-working mum at all. What do you even mean by a working mum - someone who works a few hours down this road, someone who WFH, someone who doesn't see their kids in the week? How can you be 'anti-working mum' when you don't even know which one your talking about?

Don't 'judge SAHMs' because they are millions of women world wide in all kids of circumstances. If you don't like aspects of my life, fine. But I don't represent 'SAHMs'. So stop all this 'SAHM are this and that' because its drivel.

Tbh, I don’t know any mothers who would choose not to see their children for a whole week. Majority of the mothers opt for going part time and working flexibility, hence “mummy track” which is what it’s referred to. I haven’t heard of “Daddy track”? If anything, working mothers who choose to work full time gets judged the hardest, even though the father is also working full time.

I know mums who have left young children with grandma and moved to the uk from the Philippines to do care work, live in house shares (hot bedding even) for 2 years, because they send the money home and believe from the bottom of their hearts this huge scarifice will get their child out of abject poverty.

Yeah, that makes sense. No judgment from me. They’re trying to provide a better future for their children! My parents came from India to the UK to give us a better life.

@anonymousxoxo - There are women who don't see their kids all week. Some are friends of mine. Yes this is extreme, sure, but it happens. In one case the DH is a SAHD,

I have SAHM friends with children in boarding school from age 8. I have SAHM friends with live-in nannies and staff. I have SAHM friends, as you describe, with banker or some such husbands who work very long fixed hours and I imagine they're quite hands off. But I have other SAHM friends whose husbands hardly work at all because they don't need to anymore. I have a SAHM friend who can't work as she has MS. I have a SAHM friend whose DH is a controlling wanker, but tbh, most of my friends DH's are just very decent men and hands-on dads. I have SAHM friends who do all sorts. Some do a lot of charity work and are super-busy. Often you can't tell who is doing paid work and who is doing non-paid work. I know many, many SAHMs who start businesses, to varying degrees. All are highly educated, competent women. I know couples where neither work because they don't need to anymore. I know SAHMs with 4 or 5 children, even one with 2 sets of twins. Some people have children with a disability. There are so many scenarios which is why posts that start with "SAHM are ..," are daft. Some SAHMs are trapped. Some are financially vulnerable. But equally others are set up for life. Just like the billion variations of women who work.

The point is women shouldn't be encouraged to SAHM, it brings up power imbalance and women should have a seat at the table. Women should be encourages in STEM and technology. I don't understand why it's acceptable for men to have careers, but women it isn't even when they're "highly educated and competent" as you put it.

Oh fgs what matters is that children are raised to become emotionally well adjusted adults who will live happy and successful lives.

It can be done in many ways: in families with WOHP as well as in families with a SAHP.
Oh and for what it's worth, I'm one of those terrible women who used childcare when my baby was 12 weeks old, because, newsflash, maternity leave used to be very short. However, at least I had maternity leave, unlike my mum's generation who didn't have the choice to have a good careers as well as motherhood.

My kids are now happy, well balanced adults (and I've had a good career and pension into the bargain!) then really, that's what matters. No doubt they'd also be happy well balanced adults if I or DH had SAH too.

Feels like a few posters are threatened by other people's decisions.

Lots of 2 parent working families around here have nannies from the Phillipines who have left their own children at home. I would not feel comfortable with that at all, but it happens. I wouldn't feel comfortable with a nanny at all, but plenty of families have them, even families with a SAHM.

Are you quite young anonymousxoxo?

Very true! I just hate the narrative every women should be a SAHM and nothing else. Women are allowed to have careers. I just don't see why women are still considered inferior in the 21st century. There isn't a "daddy track" at work...

Depends what you call young, but I'm early 30's..

Are you quite old @norestguests ?

@norestguests we get it. You think women’s sole purpose is for their life to entirely revolve around their children, but the same doesn’t apply to fathers funnily enough.
You don’t feel comfortable with the idea of nanny, you don’t like children in nursery, but at the same time you claim not to judge women who continue to work full time. Okay.

"The point is women shouldn't be encouraged to SAHM, it brings up power imbalance and women should have a seat at the table. Women should be encourages in STEM and technology. I don't understand why it's acceptable for men to have careers, but women it isn't even when they're "highly educated and competent" as you put it."

Of course it's acceptable for women to have careers! What are you even talking about? I'm saying some families may organise differently for a whole host of reasons. Yes, women need a 'seat at the table' but there are many seats at many tables! Encourage girls in STEM by all means, but not at the exclusion of them being who they want to be.

Literally saying that people who work and put their children in childcare are doing worse by their children than people treat puppies. But no judgement or agenda in your posts hey @norestguests