To hate how mums always have to sacrifice their career...

[rumun88]

I have 2 kids .. one 18 month old and a 6 year old. I work in a cafe for an estate, one week day and one weekend day and there's no flexibility in that I have to do a weekend day.

I've been offered a job as a GP receptionist and I would love to take it. But it's only £10.42 an hour and with it being weekdays we would need to pay childcare. Basically with the summer hols coming up, childcare for both kids would cost more than my wage. DH will cover it, but part of me is thinking what's the point when it means I'm not bringing any money to the pot technically. I'd also have to have both kids in different childcare settings which are opposite side of town by 7.30am. In my current job he works from home the 1 week day and is home the weekend day so no childcare.

So I have the choice, take the new job and get my weekends back but don't exactly earn, keep my current job and work every single weekend.. or be a SAHM.

Please help. I could cry! I was a dental nurse before kids and again childcare was an issue. We have no family support.

What would you do?

The point of encouraging women in STEM is they're seen as men jobs which ironically is highly and well paid. Unlike caring sectors e.g. teaching/social work which is predominantly done by women.

Summer holiday childcare costs reduce as they get older so it’s only for a few years then you come out the other side. If you can come out with a job you enjoy then all the better. I worked part time initially then full time as dc were in juniors.

Sissynova - you just keep repeating yourself. It's doing my head in.

How can I 'judge working women?' WHICH ONES?

Yes, I have to be honest, I would judge SOME women. Just like you clearly do. Would I put a child in a boarding school at 7? No. Would I put a 12 week old in nursery at 12 weeks or 6 weeks? No. Would I be a SAHM with a nanny or staff as well. No. We all have our limits - things we would do and things we wouldn't. But that's not judging 'working women' in general BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL DIFFERENT.

Well if we're talking age, I'm quite old! Not ancient but at the tail end of my career.

Frankly it's as simple as this: dh and I are both educated to the same level, we're both as skilled and capable of earning. We also both wanted children, and were both equally capable of changing nappies, doing nursery drop offs, housework, cooking dinner....

I imagine many couples are similar; they don't want to be pigeonholed into earner and carer because they're good at and enjoy both things.

As someone heading towards 60, this was how I felt 30 years ago when the odds were stacked against women far more than nowadays (short ML, no transferable parental leave etc)

I have a dd and ds (now adult) and I'm glad that they too don't pigeonhole themselves as heading towards 'carer' or 'earner' either.

"The point of encouraging women in STEM is they're seen as men jobs which ironically is highly and well paid. Unlike caring sectors e.g. teaching/social work which is predominantly done by women"

You don't say?

But just don't encourage them too much. You know, so they don't go against their biological destiny of being with their children rather than handing them over to the mean old strangers, those other women, you know....

Ffs my daughter is at Cambridge. The other is in one of the top school in the U.K. Education is a massive thing for me (largely) and why I have been a SAHM. Stop being so patronising and narrow-minded. They can and will do whatever they want. And no, I won't tell them they are failures in life if they don't have the obligatory 'STEM career' with kids in nursery asap.

I'm out for late lunch now so good afternoon and bye.

Wow! My children must be super human then, seeing as they've been to top universities and have great jobs while I, their mother dared to have my own career too!

Im actually not repeating myself at all. You are misreading post and going on whatever rant you want. I didn’t say you judge working women, I said you clearly judge women who work full time while at the same time have no problem with fathers doing that. I don’t doubt you have no issue with a mother working a limited number of hours entirely around their children’s school hours for example.

This post got a lot more of a response than I ever expected!!

It's had a good outcome for me though, as I said it spurred me to look at dental nursing again which I immediately got a job in, giving me a good balance of keeping my hand in what was my career while still having 5 days in a row at home with my youngest, and weekends back with my eldest. x

As a Dental nurse do you a discount on your own teeth cleanings?

Just curious

You did also say though that it would be better for a baby to be in a nursery than at home with a SAHM who is miserable. Does that not apply at 12 weeks?

If it does apply, why would you judge since she'd be doing what is best for her baby?

@Lambiriyani
In the early years isn't it better for children to be raised by their mother instead of a stranger?

Jeez , you really are a piece of work!

Congratulations OP and hope you enjoy the new job!

" I said you clearly judge women who work full time while at the same time have no problem with fathers doing that"

Again, it's very circumstantial @Sissynova. There are limitless scenarios - where would you even start? it's very personal. It's true, it was important to me to be around for pick-ups etc because I found, over the years, that's an important time, but that doesn't mean I judge families who can't do that for all sorts of reasons. Everyone has to weigh things up and think about the long term as well as the short term.

SouthLondonMum22 - again if depends but, when I was working, we wouid go to great lengths and great cost to keep mums with babies at that age, even where there was serious mental health issues, abusive partners, learning difficulties, unsafe living conditions or addiction.

Because I'm assuming that's what the mother wanted. They wouldn't force it because it wouldn't be in the baby's best interest.

Well yes, there would come a point that if the mother was too ill, disinterested or the situation was too risky, and if the father was unknown / useless / dangerous and no other family able or prepared to take the child, then you have to have them fostered. But, usually, they would try a mother and baby residential unit first (where funding allowed) and psychologists and / or psychotherapists would try and support the relationship in the early months. But they do always put the interests and safety of the baby first yes.

Children growing up into well balanced, happy and resilient adults is the end goal. There are numerous different ways for that to happen. If it needs one parent to not work, or to only work very part time to enable that to happen, then that's fine, but it's only one way of many. Not a better or worse way, just one way.

Exactly.

A baby with an unhappy parent for whatever reason is never going to be in the baby's best interest. Be it for a minor reason such as wanting to go back to work or one of your more extreme examples.

Yes I agree with that.

I know some people who are SAHMs but they only see their kids in the morning and few hours in the late afternoon because they have a nanny. My neighbour even has a night nanny as well. They just say they find babies boring and they can't cope with it so they go out all day shopping or to the gym. There is one family where the children live in a self-contained part of the house with the nanny. All three of them. I can't tell if she works or not or what she does. He works but is rarely in the U.K. For years, people at the school thought the nanny was the mum, until one day she came to a show. Never seen again though.

Did your husband like it? Did he like missing the sports days and shows and pick ups and drop offs? Or did those things not really matter to him?

@norestguests thank you!

On the subject.. I was almost admitted to a mother and baby unit when I had PND after having my youngest.