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Original poster

Friends husband is insufferably rude to restaurant staff

160 replies

straling · 05/07/2023 23:09

A new friend's husband is starting to bug me a lot..

We've been out to dinner a few time and also for coffee and he's always nasty to staff.

Examples:

Argued that he had been served a single espresso rather than a double. He thought there was not enough coffee and basically expected a small americano if you ask me, as his coffee seemed fine. He was quite rude and confrontational about it.

Walked into a restaurant, didn't even great the waiters and just said ' turn the aircon on '.. no please or thank you or anything.

Sat at the table and instead of saying ' excuse me ' to get the waiters attention, he just screamed across the room ' yeah HELLLOOO '.

These are just small examples. It's his whole demeanour that has put me off.

I think he may have some sort of issue with social cues. Could you be friends with someone like this ? He's quite polite to my husband and I and I can't imagine him being rude to us, so he clearly knows how to be polite, he just can't be polite to waiters, clearly.

I think it's bad form, but the other part of me thinks that maybe he doesn't realise and isn't good at social cues and it's because of that snd I should be more understanding..

OP posts:
JFDIYOLO · 06/07/2023 08:29

This is textbook.

Polite and reasonable to you and probably colleagues, boss, clients, whatever's applicable. That's what he chooses to do, which proves he is perfectly capable of self control. Presenting the mask he wants you to believe.

Vile to people of what he perceives to be lower status.

And I'd bet that includes his wife.

That's why she says nothing - because she's learned what will happen if she does.

My first thought was if that was me (I'm now in the post meno new version of me), I'd say loudly 'I'm so sorry, he often does this to restaurant staff. No idea why, it's just the way he chooses to behave. Now, could I please have …'

But second thought was how he might take his reaction to that out later on his wife.

Strikes me she needs help and support - it can't be easy living under that.

CaptainMyCaptain · 06/07/2023 08:37

FatNoMoreSue · 05/07/2023 23:13

I hate this. I’d refuse to go out with him again and tell him why.

This.

pinklama · 06/07/2023 08:39

That was just to give an example that he can be polite, when he wants to be.

diagnose him as a complete knob, snob and lacking in any shred of decency. That is the only thing wrong with him. He is polite to your husband as he knows he won’t getaway with it. I can guarantee there is nothing else wrong with him.

AluckyEllie · 06/07/2023 08:40

Next time your friend asks you to go out to dinner with them say ‘only if one of us is hosting, I can’t bear another evening watching him act like a knob to restaurant staff.’

Ragwort · 06/07/2023 08:41

Why do you go out with him and his wife? Are you so desperate for friends? Especially as your DH works in the hospitality industry, he must be mortified to be seen with such a disrespectful man.

Just grow a backbone and say 'no thanks' if they suggest going out for dinner.

RoseBucket · 06/07/2023 08:43

Jesus Christ I would not be able to sit there and not say anything to him, I’d be shaming him for his behaviour!

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 06/07/2023 08:44

Next time they suggest going somewhere with you I would decline and tell them why. The friendship may be lost but i wouldn't be willing to continue it if that's how he behaves anyway.

lightbulbmom · 06/07/2023 08:55

From someone who works in hospitality, this is all too common. People like that think that we are beneath them and it oozes out of them quite honestly. Take it from me your table aren't going to get the service they want if he carries on being like that.
Something people like that don't realise is if you're nice to hospitality workers they'll generally go above and beyond to make your experience as good as it can be, if you act like an asshole we just give up 🤷🏻‍♀️
He sounds like a dick, cut ties now.

yellowsmileyface · 06/07/2023 08:59

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/07/2023 07:07

I wouldn’t confront him about it but would engineer seeing her separately. Maybe your DH can be very busy. If he’s abusive at home, she’ll be encouraged to cut you off if you call him out. Don’t make life more difficult for her until you know what’s going on.

THIS!!!

If he is abusive, she'll have to deal with his bad mood later after you've told him off and who knows how bad that could be for her. And she'd definitely not be allowed to see you again. Better to be cautious if there's even a small chance of abuse.

If possible, see friend separately from now on. Unfortunately if she is being abused there's not much you can do beyond being there for her as a friend.

TallahatchieBridge · 06/07/2023 09:04

ChadCMulligan · 05/07/2023 23:12

I'd apologise to the waiters on his behalf in front of him. If that loses me the friendship then it's a price worth paying

Do this!!!!

He's showing off and trying to look powerful! Knob!!!

LameBorzoi · 06/07/2023 09:06

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 05/07/2023 23:42

He does understand social cues, otherwise he'd be rude to everyone. He knows he's treating these people like shit and doesn't care.

Yes. It's also interesting how many people who 'don't understand social cues' never seem to go the other way and be excessively OTT polite to everybody, isn't it?

I like the idea of apologising for him in front of him. It's not like you'd embarrass him any more than he's already chosen to embarrass himself.

I'd be inclined to go all the way in treating him like the toddler he's acting as and say to the staff "Sorry, I think he's overtired" and then, when he barks a command, say "P, p, p, p?" to him, like you do when teaching little ones to remember their pleases and thank yous.

I love this post so much!

SadKendall · 06/07/2023 09:07

Ugh, he sounds like Shane in White Lotus.

Quiverer · 06/07/2023 09:08

You're going to have to tell them that you won't be going out to a restaurant or café with them again, and explain exactly why.

I would also want to ask him whether he's really happy with the amount of bodily fluids he must have ingested over the years if that's the way he treats restaurant staff.

Sugaristheenemy · 06/07/2023 09:10

Walked into a restaurant, didn't even great the waiters and just said ' turn the aircon on '.. no please or thank you or anything.

Sat at the table and instead of saying ' excuse me ' to get the waiters attention, he just screamed across the room ' yeah HELLLOOO '

All joking aside I think the waiters would actually spit on your food if you speak to them like that.
I would anyway

truthhurts23 · 06/07/2023 09:12

That’s like my mum she clicks at the waiters , it’s embarrassing
how often do you have to be in his company ? If it’s not a lot I would just leave it , it’s not worth it to confront him he might get hostile

User3253625 · 06/07/2023 09:15

He's probably a grandiose narcissist. Narcissism and autism can be similar in the sense people don't seem to get social cues but ND people are extremely unlikely to make a scene or be rude to staff in restaurants due to social anxiety.

Narcissists on the other hand love it because they're in a situation where another person needs to serve them and the power dynamics are shifted. Most narcs are well behaved, charming or even sycophantic to people they feel are on the same level and them (or higher). I only realised that one of our long-time friends is a narc after going on a trip together and witnessing absolutely abominable behaviour towards restaurant staff. Deliberately asking for things not on the menu just to "test" them (in his own words). Did this at virtually every meal.

Livinginanotherworld · 06/07/2023 09:17

I wouldn’t dine with them again, horrible man.

AgnesX · 06/07/2023 09:19

I dumped a boyfriend for that. I was mortified.
I'd avoid eating out with them if I were you

Brrrrrrrrrrrr · 06/07/2023 09:20

For my own peace of mind in fear of having food tampered with I’d not be eating with them again. He sounds hideous.

When someone shows you who they are- believe them, the first time.

HuckingFellHire · 06/07/2023 09:25

Bollocks to the friend I'd be judging her as well

PinkFootstool · 06/07/2023 09:36

My uncle clicks his fingers at waiting staff. He's an absolute wanker to anyone working for him but spoils his immediate family with love and money.

Needless to say, I don't spend time with him.

Same for your chap - don't bother your arse with him. I wouldn't be going to any restaurants with him. Why would you?

Coolblur · 06/07/2023 09:37

Everyone is blaming the wife for not calling him out so seemingly condoning his behaviour, yet many have raised concerns that this is a huge red flag in a partner, and an indicator of how he may treat her behind closed doors.
How is his behaviour in any way her fault? How does anyone know she is ok with it and not terrified of him? Isn't this bordering on victim blaming? I know it's hard to understand why people women seemingly put up with their partner's awful behaviour, especially when you've never experienced similar yourself, but it doesn't mean they are ok with it. She is not responsible for his behaviour.

Cut him off but not her, just in case there's more going on. She might need support so the last thing you should do is abandon her to him.

Maddy70 · 06/07/2023 09:41

I always apologise to the waiter for my friends rudeness in front of them.. Then "I'm so for my friends rudeness, please could he have the air con on of its not too much trouble, he's clearly very hot and bothered today" Call him out on it.

LaMaG · 06/07/2023 09:41

Oh dear major red flag. Either he believes restaurant staff are some sort of subhuman that are beneath him or he is an insecure pathetic schoolboy trying to show off, both are equally worrying. And he wasn't rude to staff only, demanding air con like that was rude to you guys and other customers.

I would gently ask friend what her views are. She is condoning it so her silence is also rude and unacceptable. Unless of course the relationship is abusive. Maybe ask her if it bothers her and confess that it bothers you, in a nice way without making her defensive of him. If she says she is fine with it then she is a CF too. If not then you have the green light to call him out.

LaMaG · 06/07/2023 09:43

You could also phone ahead and warn staff so someone who is thick skinned could serve and be able to stand up to him.

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