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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends husband is insufferably rude to restaurant staff

160 replies

straling · 05/07/2023 23:09

A new friend's husband is starting to bug me a lot..

We've been out to dinner a few time and also for coffee and he's always nasty to staff.

Examples:

Argued that he had been served a single espresso rather than a double. He thought there was not enough coffee and basically expected a small americano if you ask me, as his coffee seemed fine. He was quite rude and confrontational about it.

Walked into a restaurant, didn't even great the waiters and just said ' turn the aircon on '.. no please or thank you or anything.

Sat at the table and instead of saying ' excuse me ' to get the waiters attention, he just screamed across the room ' yeah HELLLOOO '.

These are just small examples. It's his whole demeanour that has put me off.

I think he may have some sort of issue with social cues. Could you be friends with someone like this ? He's quite polite to my husband and I and I can't imagine him being rude to us, so he clearly knows how to be polite, he just can't be polite to waiters, clearly.

I think it's bad form, but the other part of me thinks that maybe he doesn't realise and isn't good at social cues and it's because of that snd I should be more understanding..

OP posts:
FitAt50 · 06/07/2023 07:11

I judge everyone on how they treat waiters - he sounds like an arse and an arrogant nasty piece of work.

Original poster
straling · 06/07/2023 07:11

Backstreets · 06/07/2023 06:58

Don’t try to diagnose him. He’s not a victim. He’s a cock. Don’t think I’d be able to hold my tongue if I were you.

I haven't actually tried to diagnose him.

He told me he thinks he's got issues when I pulled him up on his behaviour once. His wife also confirmed that he is ' different '. I don't think he's been diagnosed with a thing but I think he's had issues with certain things all his life. I haven't asked in detail, as it's none of my business. But like I said, he can be perfectly polite, but he's very rude and arrogant to restaurant staff.

OP posts:
Greenpolkadot · 06/07/2023 07:15

What an awful person Each time this happens and his wife says nothing ,she's giving him the green light.
On a cruise once we were seated with another three couples for dinner.
One man was exactly like this,,it was cringing.
We were supposed to dine at the same table each night but only did it once,.We explained to the Maitre de why we wouldn't be back and apologised.that someone in our company could be so rude.
It happens lot on cruise ships,,there are some right arseholes

LoisPrice · 06/07/2023 07:15

Ask him

say I’ve noticed you’re really pleasant to dh and myself but you’re incredibly rude to the service staff. It’s just we e noticed that we get much worse service when we’re with you due to this and wonder why you do it?

RabbitsRock · 06/07/2023 07:20

DH & I once defended a young waitress in a Pizza Hut who was being treated appallingly by a family. We were extra nice to her & she was very grateful but I wish we’d said something to those people. It was way out of order.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 06/07/2023 07:20

I simply wouldn't go out as a couple. See your friend on your own. If she asks why be honest with her. How people treat waiting staff and dogs is a fairly good way of judging someone.

GoldDuster · 06/07/2023 07:21

See her without him, if you like her. If she asks why, tell her the truth.

You can guarantee he treats his family the same behind closed doors.

Smoothiecarton · 06/07/2023 07:25

Massive red flag he’s probably an absolute bastard behind closed doors. Check in in your friend.

AquaRegia · 06/07/2023 07:25

He's quite clearly shown you who he is - I definitely wouldn't be dining with him again, at the very least.

FIL is like this (to a lesser extent) and we completely avoid going to restaurants and cafes with him now. I also had a friend who did this (again to a lesser extent). Both are quite self absorbed, have double standards and grasp at every opportunity to feel superior to other people by putting them down - took a while to really see this though. Best avoided.

Whendoesmydietstart · 06/07/2023 07:25

People judge you by the company you keep. oh this absolutely.
He is a bully, he treats server's badly because he can, he is polite to you because he has to be. Imagine what he would be like as a horrible bullying husband or father. I would call him out on it in front of the wait staff.

wildfirewonder · 06/07/2023 07:27

Tlolljs · 06/07/2023 05:33

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat waiters and shop staff.
Life Rule number 1

This.

I could not socialise with them.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 06/07/2023 07:27

I just wouldn’t go out with him. I’d bet money that he treats your friend like shit too

Parisj · 06/07/2023 07:49

As you did express your opinion at the time, I think it's reasonable next time they ask you to say no, preferably tell him to his face not her.

CuriouslyDifferent · 06/07/2023 07:52

I’d be honest with the new friend.

She’s great, but you find the way her husband speaks to serving staff unacceptable.

FireflyJar · 06/07/2023 07:53

Had a F friend like this. She would be rude when asking a young waitress Why has the chef done this? And tell him he's a fuckwit. Bless her, she told the manageress and she came over and listened to the complaint and then told my friend that she always complains each time she comes to the restaurant.

We never went back!!

VerticalSausages · 06/07/2023 07:57

the chance of all four people getting on well is very slim

Really @Ragwort ? It’s pretty normal for couples or groups of friends to get on. I generally choose friends and partner who are likeable.

gloriousmulch · 06/07/2023 07:58

Horrible behaviour which deserves to be called out. The people I know who are like this mistakenly think they're 'straight talking' whereas other people are too passive. I once made a show of giving someone a large tip in front of a friend who had spent most of the (excruciating) meal shouting at them. She (friend) was furious and it gave me a bit of satisfaction, as she'd ruined our evening.

Kilopascal · 06/07/2023 08:00

Oh please, please let him come to somewhere DD is serving.

She is a magnificent mimic and collects restaurant wankers for her comedy routine.

LaPerduta · 06/07/2023 08:09

YABU to say, "He's quite polite to my husband and I," but otherwise he sounds like a knob.

Original poster
straling · 06/07/2023 08:10

LaPerduta · 06/07/2023 08:09

YABU to say, "He's quite polite to my husband and I," but otherwise he sounds like a knob.

That was just to give an example that he can be polite, when he wants to be.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 06/07/2023 08:11

I expect his wife doesn't say anything because she knows she'll get a row when they get home, or he's convinced her he's different and can't help himself. Either way I'd refuse any more dinner invites, why have your evening spoilt by him.

SideWonder · 06/07/2023 08:11

I think it's bad form, but the other part of me thinks that maybe he doesn't realise and isn't good at social cues and it's because of that snd I should be more understanding..

No. He's an arrogant arse.

He's probably an insecure beta male pretending to be alpha, and getting it very wrong. If you're brought up around "staff" (in your home or in restaurants etc) then you learn to be considerate of those serving you.

The fact that he behaves in such a boorish way suggests he's been badly brought up, insecure, and arrogant without cause.

I wouldn't go out with him again. Your DH can put up with it - you don't have to.

And in the situations you describe, I'd be tipping extra to try to apologise for such rudeness of my companion.

ArbitraryHaddock · 06/07/2023 08:25

pilates · 06/07/2023 05:39

If he is bullying restaurant staff how is he treating your friend? 🚩

Just what I was thinking

Rubychews · 06/07/2023 08:27

I could not go anywhere public with someone who behaved like this. It sounds very embarrassing for you.

Andanotherone01 · 06/07/2023 08:27

Awful and so classless. I would go out with them again

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