To deduct the cost of replacement period pants from DD’s pocket money?

[Handsoffmypants]

Am I being a horrible mother?

My daughter is nearly 13, she has diagnosed ASD and being referred for ADHD, for full disclosure. However despite social communication difficulties, she is fairly ‘normal’ for her age in the sense that she can get a train into the city to go and meet her friends, go around the shops etc, in fact in that sense she’s more independent than my much older daughter.

She has an allowance of £50 per month which she buys all her clothes and make up from (except expensive things like trainers and coats etc).

Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor, including the clean piles of laundry which I put on her bed for her to put away. She never bothers, they get turfed onto the floor, then every once in a while she puts everything, clean or dirty, back into the laundry basket. Obviously I get pissed off with her about this. Last night was one of those times, laundry basket went from pretty much empty to overflowing with her clean/dirty clothes.

I’ve put on a wash of some of the stuff out of her room, and amongst it was 2 pairs of my period pants, which as anyone who buys them
knows, aren’t cheap.

Now this isn’t the first time she’s nicked my period pants, she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers. I have told her very clearly in the past that I am not in the slightest bit up for sharing period pants with her, it’s fucking rank and she needs to find her own ones and not take mine. Apart from anything else, I have a separate bin for period pants and put them on their own wash without fabric conditioner, as you’re supposed to, so as not to wreck them - but of course she just chucks hers (mine!) in the main basket and I don’t notice until I’m hanging washing out to dry.

There is a recurring theme btw of her not respecting mine or her sister’s possessions at all, taking what she fancies and then lying about it.

So tonight, after the discovery of two pairs of my period pants being used by her, after fuck knows how many times of telling her not to do that, I’ve reiterated again that she’s an absolute minger for thinking I want to share period pants with her, she can keep those pairs and I will replace mine out of her pocket money. AIBU?

Thank you @StarDolphins . However, not TOTALLY talking sense, it should have read

Apart from anything else this will change the equation - DD will no longer know that 'stealing mum's PP will be loads easier than finding my own'.

she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers.

This is from OP I would say that answers the question of it being related to adhd or autism. She is overwhelmed by lack of organisation of her own pants do she is using her mums. If she had clear organised place she can get own , I'm assuming she would. Her room being a 'pigsty ' is directly linked
Ihave no idea why it's gone green and highlighted

Has she maybe got too much storage, too many clothes, too much other stuff so it just overwhelms her? Don’t know how you go about removing stuff from a teenage girl but might somehow resolve her untidiness problem.

Why should she? She’s specifically told her not to take other peoples belongings or if she does, she must ask.

What next? Someone gets their new rattan patio set pinched & it’s the owners fault for not putting it on the roof?

@Handsoffmypants i love your straight talking! Kudos to you
YANBU about anything you are doing your best in this situation
I think I would lock doors though because you have tried asking in so many ways about not touching other people’s stuff
The cats will find somewhere else and it’s only while you are out .

I wouldn't wanna share my period pants honestly. It sounds like she is quite independent in many ways. Can you get her to take care of some of her own household chores once she turns 13, one of those being doing her own laundry? You'll have to commit to it yourself and not cave in and do her washing when she doesn't have clean uniform/period pants! But like a PP said, one day she may have flatmates/uni roomies and will need to be able to organize this element of her life. Discuss it in advance and maybe get her an amazing 13th bday pressie to help soften the blow.

@StarDolphins I do agree with you but if OP already feels like she's got a lot on her plate that could at least be a quick fix for now.

YANBU. It is rank sharing period pants. I Can understand that the ADHD might make it more difficult for D to keep on top of organisation.

Urgh I hate the infantilising and condescension that any thread involving sen draws. Op is the mother of this sen child and knows what is sen related and what is just teenagers teening. This is a standard teen being a teen. She's being Rude, entitled and selfish. As all teens can be. Not sen related, as the op has reiterated again and again! (What's more I worry how much coddling some pps would allow for in cases of sen- op has said her daughter is capable, confident and managing, she is what used to be known as "high functioning " . That's not to lessen her challenges, but these children with challenges will eventually be adults with challenges and have to live in the real world! We as parents need to support them, get them support and, being realistic, help them to learn coping strategies for when their differences cause them issues- because the world will not always or even often, give a shit about their triggers or sensory issues if they don't conform to a very narrow definition of "disabled")

Op I have a asd adhd daughter who is very similar to yours. I think it's entirely fair that you take her pocket money. She must learn consequences for her actions. If she doesn't face any consequences the reality is this will keep happening, as you've said yourself, you had the chats, you've offered help, you threatened and been angry. It's time for her see that her actions have consequences imo.

You can be a successful anything - but that isn't what you implied in your original post......

Yes mine also have a wee basket each which I use to take stuff to their rooms. Even my oldest (also ADHD/ASD) can cope with putting it away from there.

This isn't coddling @catscalledbeanz

The OP has said herself

"Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor"
"she just goes apeshit" at someone sorting through her things
"her idea of putting clothes away is stuffing them into wherever there is space, all jumbled up"
"She hasn’t been in school for nearly a year"
She takes things then denies "all knowledge of having had them"
She has 15 pairs of her own period knickers but is unable to find them.

High functioning does not equal "more capable than low functioning autistics but less capable than NT people". High functioning is often thought of as being a disablist term - autism is a spectrum and things that are easier for some are more difficult than others.

Literally everything the OP has written about her daughter - her organisation of her room, environment, how she handles what clothes she wears (whether they're her own or other people's) says that in those particular life skills she is not "high functioning". It's not infantilising to say she needs support in managing laundry and her bedroom.

Nope - not unreasonable at all at this crap is why I now have a lock on my bedroom door

Given the ASC, I'd consider processing challenges. My daughter struggles with verbal instructions - "here's your clean clothes, can you put them away" would simply not be specific enough. So either put her clothes away, help her to put them away or work on a system together that allows her to put them away within her capabilities.

I think you're right to be annoyed by it OP, only YOU know to what extent your daughter is being lazy, I honestly don't know enough about ASD in children to comment on that in particular.

Could you, as a compromise put her own period pants somewhere she can get to them (as in put them away for her in a designated place) and just hide your own so she can't find them? If the easy option is to steal yours you need to make sure that is the not-easy option.

"High functioning does not equal "more capable than low functioning autistics but less capable than NT people". High functioning is often thought of as being a disablist term - autism is a spectrum and things that are easier for some are more difficult than others. " yes I am aware it is now thought disablist hence my use of what used to be known as. I have experience of asd , my husband and daughters all. The reality is if you know one autistic person you know one autistic person. You cannot apply nor generalise as you say- it's a spectrum. Wide and varied. Op KNOWS her daughter. She has gone through the hoops of diagnosis and the stress and struggles as you've listed. You believe those bits of her post ( and infer that they provide evidence that you are right and this is DEFINITELY asd related) but not the bits where op asserts that this is not sen related in her daughter, which she is best placed to judge really. As neither you nor I have raised nor live with nor know the asd girl in question. If we take the op on her word, she isn't unreasonable.

Your dd is 13 with ASD and suspected ADHD.
I understand she’s refusing help with her room, but I think you need to insist on helping her sort her clothes out so going forward there is a place for everything.
Be gentle with her and yourself. She’ll get there eventually.

Is my daughter now living at yours? 🙄
She is an adult now but I went through the exact same situation — it’s as if you’re writing about her.

It is going to be a real chore for you but you can get it under control. Withhold her pocket money until things improve. Help her make a plan for keeping her things organised and help her get it straightened out so she’s at square one. The clean laundry mixed in with dirty—had that, too and it’s maddening. She needs to learn how to manage everything and it’s a process leading to forming better habits. You must be consistent!

I think I'd tackle this strategically by simply helping myself to things from her room until she gets the message. She needs to experience how annoying/distressing it is when others treat you and your belongings with so little respect.

As the (sometimes extremely frustrated) mother of a young ADHD adult I'm grateful you shared that and gave some insight into how he probably feels (because he would never say it himself).

Can I ask what, if anything, has helped? Did you eventually find some strategies for tidying and organising once you were living independently?

I think you’re being a bit nasty to be honest. I have ADHD and autism and I’m a vet (so I’ve ‘done okay’). I can spay a cat but tidying my bedroom ends in meltdown every time and I need a lot of support with it. Cut her a bit of slack

if your daughter possibly has ADHD then the first think you should do is stop calling her lazy and maybe do some research on why she finds it so difficult to organise her shit and look at ways to support her. By all means make her pay for new pants but it won’t help the bigger issue.

Yes charge her for them.

Going forward, link the pocket money to a tidy room. She gets £12.50 a week on a certain day if her room is tidy at say 5pm.

Thats what we did. At least it makes sure the room was tidied regularly. Within a day it was messy again, but it never got to the state you describe.

But help her for that initial huge tidy up.

but these children with challenges will eventually be adults with challenges and have to live in the real world! We as parents need to support them, get them support and, being realistic, help them to learn coping strategies for when their differences cause them issues- because the world will not always or even often, give a shit about their triggers or sensory issues if they don't conform to a very narrow definition of "disabled")

OMG yes. The most helpful insight a professional gave me was a Psychologist at CAMHS who said 'It's a combination of the world adjusting to him and him adjusting to the world. Our world is set up for NT people, so it may always feel that he's got the worse end of the bargain, he'll always need to work harder to be understood/ understand. The world's getting there, but it's got a lot to learn, so in the meantime he needs to learn what the world expects."