To deduct the cost of replacement period pants from DD’s pocket money?

[Handsoffmypants]

Am I being a horrible mother?

My daughter is nearly 13, she has diagnosed ASD and being referred for ADHD, for full disclosure. However despite social communication difficulties, she is fairly ‘normal’ for her age in the sense that she can get a train into the city to go and meet her friends, go around the shops etc, in fact in that sense she’s more independent than my much older daughter.

She has an allowance of £50 per month which she buys all her clothes and make up from (except expensive things like trainers and coats etc).

Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor, including the clean piles of laundry which I put on her bed for her to put away. She never bothers, they get turfed onto the floor, then every once in a while she puts everything, clean or dirty, back into the laundry basket. Obviously I get pissed off with her about this. Last night was one of those times, laundry basket went from pretty much empty to overflowing with her clean/dirty clothes.

I’ve put on a wash of some of the stuff out of her room, and amongst it was 2 pairs of my period pants, which as anyone who buys them
knows, aren’t cheap.

Now this isn’t the first time she’s nicked my period pants, she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers. I have told her very clearly in the past that I am not in the slightest bit up for sharing period pants with her, it’s fucking rank and she needs to find her own ones and not take mine. Apart from anything else, I have a separate bin for period pants and put them on their own wash without fabric conditioner, as you’re supposed to, so as not to wreck them - but of course she just chucks hers (mine!) in the main basket and I don’t notice until I’m hanging washing out to dry.

There is a recurring theme btw of her not respecting mine or her sister’s possessions at all, taking what she fancies and then lying about it.

So tonight, after the discovery of two pairs of my period pants being used by her, after fuck knows how many times of telling her not to do that, I’ve reiterated again that she’s an absolute minger for thinking I want to share period pants with her, she can keep those pairs and I will replace mine out of her pocket money. AIBU?

If this were me, I’d step away from the thread OP. Regardless of anyone’s thoughts, I don’t think this seems to be helping you at the moment.

Carry on exactly how you are OP I’m sure everything in your daughters life will turn out fine with no damage whatsoever.

I agree.

As mum to a 16 yo DS with ADHD I just need to take the bull by the horns sometimes. If I didn't have some boundaries this whole summer he'd be in bed until gone 2pm and achieve nothing.

I don't agree with this, it's their room/ space/ do whatever they like: he needs to respect that it's our home and it needs to be hygienic and ordered for it to function as we're a busy house. He has a lovely room with everything he could want in it (chose how to redecorate it and all the stuff in it- new bed/ sofa/desk etc) including a doodle wall which is painted white and he draws his characters on it in black marker - it looks great. That helps with taking pride in it. It also helps that he likes to have friends around to socialise/ stay over, so there's motivation to have it presentable. Could that help OP, if she chose a wall to paint a new colour/ matching cushion/ throw and you encourages friends around?

Carry on exactly how you are OP I’m sure everything in your daughters life will turn out fine with no damage whatsoever

I'd rather have OP as a parent than you if I'm honest. She just sounds a bit fed up and frustrated. You're being really nasty and your views on autism are shocking.

At 13 is she not old enough to be taught how to use the washing machine?

I think you misunderstood my post and didn’t see my sarcasm.

@Mumtothreegirlies fuck me you really are thick aren’t you.

If it helps you sleep better tonight, I have constantly fought tooth and nail to get both of my dc the support and help they need, facing brick walls at every turn as parents of SEN children know all too well, and as their only advocate. I have a thoroughly sound understanding of SEN (unlike you), particularly as my job is also working with SEN children in a therapeutic setting.

I know my child. You don’t. I know when she is genuinely struggling and when she isn’t. You don’t.

@mrsmckinnon It’s terrible advice to suggest going into the room of an autistic child and touching and moving their things. If I did that I’d have a child going into shutdown and probably be dealing with school refusal for months.

It’s the equivalent of removing a few family members while a neurotypical child is out.

We’re not lazy parents. We’re working with completely different parameters.

The op is at the end of her tether, safely venting online. I’m willing to bet that she’s doing a bloody awesome job.

No it's not cushty.

It's fine if you don't believe in the modern day diagnostic criteria for ASD - but expect to get your arse handed to you on a plate every time you talk shite. Like you would if you came on to Mumsnet and started talking about how Bill Gates is putting microchips in vaccines or that the world is flat .

You say she's fairly normal for her age yet hasn't been in school for a year. I'm guessing she masks more than you realise. Mine won't let me help tidy either generally which I understand as they're very particular about how things are which is par the course with asd. Asd and adhd can both be contributing here. Have you looked at pda/low demand communication?

OP, your style of writing reminds me so much of my dad’s way of talking to us. He had ADHD, worked hard and was often overwhelmed by his life. He was also emotionally and verbally abusive, incredibly aggressive and contemptuous towards us. I hope your deranged tone is just you letting off steam on mumsnet and you have a better handle on your emotions when actually interacting with your daughter.

Maybe she is fed up but hating her daughter won’t help. She needs outside support if she’s not coping. How are my views on autism shocking?? I’m literally saying she needs to support her daughter more. What would he shocking is if I told people that asd children should carry on like normal which is clear ableism.

For an AuDHD kid you're going to need different strategies than the hard-line responses you'll get on here. You can see a clear split from the responses that "get it" Vs the "my house my rules" brigade.

An average teenage AuDHD kid will have the regulation skills (impulse control, understanding, reasoning) 3-4 years younger than their actual years. It doesn't stop the behaviour being a fucking huge pain in the arse, but it's part of the bigger picture.

OP you sound like you're not coping well at all. If we can feel the anger via your written words on a forum think how your daughter will be feeling.

You need to work with her on this, take one step at a time. I think YABU suggesting taking money from her allowance and you need to find a way to support her to get a bit more organised or, manage your expectations better.

Expect to get your ass handed to you if you speak disgustingly about a disabled child.

So she has a Dx of ASD and waiting for an AFHD assessment, and yet to fail to acknowledge her executive functioning difficulties which sounds like planning and priorities are affected. “Normal” stuff like going out with friends demands different skills from her brain.
YABVU and the people who have no knowledge of executive functioning are talking shit.

I'm reminded so much of my mother who would berate us all regularly about how hard she worked and how little help she got around the home... The truth is she was not functioning well and was incapable of teaching us effective life skills or home management. She grew used to her own mess and disorder but was able to spot more clearly in her children and hector us to do better.

do as I say not as I do.

You did.

I am finding super frustrating some of the comments of adhd isn't an excuse , she needs to do this to live in real world etc. I use to have a really horrible messy room I was so ashamed and I used to get in so much trouble at home (undiagnosed adhd ) the telling off and the guilt and shame I felt didn't make me tidy it or organise it, it was so overwhelming, it was part of the condition. I feel like someone who is missing a leg , they are not being told, rhey need to walk they need to live in real world, they r just lazy, that would be completely uncalled for and rightly so. I do understand it doesn't mean the things people with adhd find hard doesn't get done. But like someone missing a leg would get a wheelchair maybe, someone who adhd and struggles with organisation and tidying , their parents encourage with strategies (timer/body double/ novelty etc) I was desperate for help I just didn't know at time I had adhd.

Your true colours are showing now! Where’s your fluffy, shocked & worried facade from earlier about how sick you are about how people get spoken to?

You’re one of them.

YANBU at all. I have ADHD and I’m a disorganised procrastinator but even as a teen I never subjected my family to dirty pants. We didn’t have period pants but any leaks on clothes were washed straightaway, to limit staining.

The weekly pocket money subject to tidiness is a good idea.

I think you're giving her a large amount of pocket money and she's doing sweet FA in return. When I was younger you got pocket money once you'd done all your jobs

If you're really that ignorant you should perhaps read up on the subject before commenting?

As you acknowledge - it's a spectrum. Yes, sadly some people are very disabled with it and can't always lead normal lives. Others (usually described as high functioning) can get university degrees. drive cars, do anything NT people can. They may have social and emotional struggles, and other issues such as ADHD, OCD, dyslexia etc - but it's an umbrella condition and you absolutely cannot pigeonhole any one person based on their diagnoses.

Also bear in mind we are all on the spectrum somewhere - it's only when you meet a certain threshold you get the label. We all have some traits of autism to a greater and lesser extent - it isn't a black or white definition. Ditto ADHD/ADD and all the other conditions.

My DS was diagnosed aged 4 and we had a lot of struggles during the primary years. Now he's in Year 10 and is amazing - he does struggle with timekeeping and concentration, and socially, but he is really dedicated to his schoolwork and clubs etc and I'm so proud. I'm sure he will learn to drive and get a decent job (even if I have to get him up each day.....) and I'm so amazed at how much he has come on in those ten years. He has a friend with Aspergers who is going to train to be a teacher!

I think the OP is being treated unfairly and harshly. My 5 year old DD tidies her own bedroom weekly thoroughly and puts her laundry away that's left on her floor. I only help hang up things as she can't reach the wardrobe rail and she's snapped a lot of hangers trying to jump up to do it. She's asking for a 12 year old to put away some laundry! Reading some of these replies, it sounds like she's written that she's asking her DD to get a full time job.

bully for you!