To deduct the cost of replacement period pants from DD’s pocket money?

[Handsoffmypants]

Am I being a horrible mother?

My daughter is nearly 13, she has diagnosed ASD and being referred for ADHD, for full disclosure. However despite social communication difficulties, she is fairly ‘normal’ for her age in the sense that she can get a train into the city to go and meet her friends, go around the shops etc, in fact in that sense she’s more independent than my much older daughter.

She has an allowance of £50 per month which she buys all her clothes and make up from (except expensive things like trainers and coats etc).

Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor, including the clean piles of laundry which I put on her bed for her to put away. She never bothers, they get turfed onto the floor, then every once in a while she puts everything, clean or dirty, back into the laundry basket. Obviously I get pissed off with her about this. Last night was one of those times, laundry basket went from pretty much empty to overflowing with her clean/dirty clothes.

I’ve put on a wash of some of the stuff out of her room, and amongst it was 2 pairs of my period pants, which as anyone who buys them
knows, aren’t cheap.

Now this isn’t the first time she’s nicked my period pants, she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers. I have told her very clearly in the past that I am not in the slightest bit up for sharing period pants with her, it’s fucking rank and she needs to find her own ones and not take mine. Apart from anything else, I have a separate bin for period pants and put them on their own wash without fabric conditioner, as you’re supposed to, so as not to wreck them - but of course she just chucks hers (mine!) in the main basket and I don’t notice until I’m hanging washing out to dry.

There is a recurring theme btw of her not respecting mine or her sister’s possessions at all, taking what she fancies and then lying about it.

So tonight, after the discovery of two pairs of my period pants being used by her, after fuck knows how many times of telling her not to do that, I’ve reiterated again that she’s an absolute minger for thinking I want to share period pants with her, she can keep those pairs and I will replace mine out of her pocket money. AIBU?

Aww you sound lovely @2Jays - and yes, granny pants are the best. Or rather, a full cotton brief of just so much more comfortable than pretty much anything else.

@Mumtothreegirlies I have autism and adhd. I have a job and I even drive a car. I am perfectly capable of getting a train

I have ADHD. I really struggle with these things too. But I can also be lazy - the two are not mutually exclusive.

ASD/ADHD is not an excuse for taking other people's things without permission. That's stealing, ffs. I wish people would stop making excuses for it on this thread.

Yes it is more of a struggle for us but we do still have to try and learn how to get through life.

I'd say if her room is messy, fine, but she bears the consequences for that.

Both lol. Period pants used to be a term used to describe big old comfy panty to wear when on your period (basically exactly as you describe) but now you can get special pants that absorb blood and don’t leak (supposedly. I have v v heavy periods so have been afraid to try them) which are also referred to as period pants and are quite expensive but reusable. The latter is what op is describing in this scenario. 🙂

There's probably a whole load of girls that you know of who are on the autistic spectrum, but you just don't know they are. They'd very good at masking, and will most certainly be getting public transport alone at 12. What's the point in making a comment like that, when you don't activate know very much about ASD?

@mrsmckinnon yeah that would be an awesome idea…if she went to school which I’ve already stated she doesn’t, if you read the thread. I have her 24/7 as she doesn’t have a father.

Please forgive me for being so cunty. I’m a little tired and cranky due to sleepless nights because of the puppy I bought the poor abused child at the weekend, something she’s wanted for years (which of course I knew I would be doing all the looking after of before buying it and was fine with that). But you know, sleepless nights, carrying a puppy around at work all day, being sole parent to 2 SEN DC, doing literally everything around the house as well as having a disability myself…no you’re right I need to stop making excuses… I’m just a great big cunt.

My DD is 12 with ASD. When she started her period GP put her on Norethisterone and she takes it most months as she can’t cope with periods. She is high functioning in almost every way except this one. Maybe it’s time for a chat with your doctor?

It sounds like you are very overwhelmed at the minute. With a brand new puppy disrupting the house a bit of turbulence is to be expected.

Lower your expectations of your daughter, work with her to keep on top of her room and her laundry until she's able to manage it herself and make sure she's got sanitary towels/tampons easily available if she's not old enough/mature enough to manage period pants and their maintenance.

Yes I’m aware it’s spectrum….an extremely vast spectrum.

Yup. My DD is 15 and has SEN. Not autism but profound dyslexia that goes far beyond reading difficulties and effects her speech and lots of other areas. She also has ADHD. We've got an EHCP and she's starting special school in Sept. It irks me when people on this site have such low standards for these kids. They are capable. Yes there's executive function difficulties but there has to be boundaries. So much of this is just enabling bad habits. Don't even get me started on the people telling OP to use her DDs DLA for this habit. How do they expect these kids to grow up and function in society? Make sound financial decisions? People need to stop reducing kids to their diagnosis, otherwise they will grow up with a victim mentality and the belief that that's all they are.

All of this.

You have a very outdated view of autism.

@Mumtothreegirlies people that previously wouldn't have been diagnosed, or would have been classed as having Aspergers, are now being classed as autistic hence such a greater spread of abilities.

Your language about your own child is ‘rank’ and disgusting. Periods aren’t dirty and you wash them don’t you?

My DD is younger (so no periods to have to contend with yet - I'm dreading their arrival TBH), but she has ASD and ADHD and we also struggle to get her to manage personal hygiene, room tidying, and differentiating between clean and dirty laundry.

Whilst your language isn't great, I do understand. My DD regularly pooed her pants, then leaves them lying around on her bedroom floor or tucks them under her bed. After so so many kind and gentle explanations of why not to do it and what to do instead and unwittingly sticking my hands into pooey pants one too many times, walking her through how to clean it up etc, we ended up needing to be pretty blunt about how awful it was and why. It still isn't perfect, but she's stopped full accidents now, and 50% of the time manages to get the pants to the right place (toilet or wash basket depending on severity) and tell me about it. I think the key is labelling the behaviour rather than the child.

I agree with a PP about chunking up tidying and practically needing to stand over them. I set times with an alarm for each part ("books first, you have 3 minutes"), so they are racing against the clock, and give hints before they start ("remember to check under beds, desks can have books on them too, and any that aren't yours should be returned neatly stacked to just inside your sister's room so she can put them away").

I've found having double what you think you'd need for essentials makes life much easier. Things get misplaced and take longer to make their way into the wash etc when you've got executive function issues. DD has 15 pairs of school socks, and this ensures there is always at least one pair (but never more than 3, despite searching daily for abandoned socks 🥴) clean and locate-able. She has twice as many swimming costumes and towels as needed too, as you can guarantee she will be gathering things for training only to discover the last session's still-wet gear festering in her bag...
I would let her have the period pants without charging her, but warn that next time they will be replaced using her pocket money (I always try to warn of consequences so everyone is clear, rather that meting out punishments without warning). Then review if it would be worth getting her any more to allow for their slower-than-expected migration to the wash basket. If she does it again, definitely charge her!

The clean clothes dumped in the laundry drives me nuts. I now charge a small amount per item that I find is clean and have to return. I'm clear about this and when they are tidying their rooms will remind them about it. The small fee means the odd item that is genuinely wrongly-placed isn't a huge deal (and sometimes it gets waived if judged to be genuine error), but it quickly racks up if they've gone for the tactic of scooping everything from their floor and dumping it into the wash. I also charge a finder's fee if I can find a 'lost' item within 30 seconds of being asked (I again reiterate my terms before starting the search).

To drive home the message of not taking other people's things, is there something special of hers that you could use up that is fairly easily replaceable once the point has been made? Ideally something really inconvenient...

$you’re right I need to stop making excuses… I’m just a great big cunt*

well, you said it and all.

Did you mean to quote me @Mumtothreegirlies, because I don't understand how anything you've just written relates to my post? I expressed before that OP should make adjustments for her DD, I haven't said she shouldn't? The post you quoted was in response to yours, when you claim all people with ASD are headbangers who can't use public transport at 12. But then you go onto say it's a spectrum, which is odd, as you've just contradicted yourself. Are you OK?

@Mumtothreegirlies ok I’ll bite.

I’ll get onto the consultant paediatrician who diagnosed dd and ask him to look again because of some dullard on mn who seems to think all people with autism are non verbal and dribbling in wheelchairs.

Re the swearing…is this your first day here?

She goes on public transport because she bloody loves trains and likes to meet up with her friends. Hope that helps.

well, you said it and all

That's just nasty. Christ, this place sometimes...

You’ve called your own daughter a minger and rank.

I think there are bigger issues here than period pants and messy rooms. She’s not even 13 years old and has additional needs.

Not only are you being unreasonable you sound like you’re being incredibly unloving and spiteful to someone who needs your love and guidance right now.

There’s always one that turns up late, all confused after not reading the thread….

@Foxesandsquirrels

I find it hard to believe a woman who's daughter will be going to a special school is so crass about other children's additional needs. The OPs daughter is a child, who is not functioning well in her home environment. It's enormously difficult for ND adults to overcome this dysfunction in their own space, let alone children.

Kids, especially with SEN need patience, guidance, and additional training in many life skills.

Your views are disgusting @Mumtothreegirlies and ableist.