To deduct the cost of replacement period pants from DD’s pocket money?

[Handsoffmypants]

Am I being a horrible mother?

My daughter is nearly 13, she has diagnosed ASD and being referred for ADHD, for full disclosure. However despite social communication difficulties, she is fairly ‘normal’ for her age in the sense that she can get a train into the city to go and meet her friends, go around the shops etc, in fact in that sense she’s more independent than my much older daughter.

She has an allowance of £50 per month which she buys all her clothes and make up from (except expensive things like trainers and coats etc).

Her room is a fucking pigsty and there’s always clothes all over the floor, including the clean piles of laundry which I put on her bed for her to put away. She never bothers, they get turfed onto the floor, then every once in a while she puts everything, clean or dirty, back into the laundry basket. Obviously I get pissed off with her about this. Last night was one of those times, laundry basket went from pretty much empty to overflowing with her clean/dirty clothes.

I’ve put on a wash of some of the stuff out of her room, and amongst it was 2 pairs of my period pants, which as anyone who buys them
knows, aren’t cheap.

Now this isn’t the first time she’s nicked my period pants, she has plenty of pairs of her own but because her room is such a jumble of clothes, it’s easier to take mine from my organised drawers than hunt through her clothes for hers. I have told her very clearly in the past that I am not in the slightest bit up for sharing period pants with her, it’s fucking rank and she needs to find her own ones and not take mine. Apart from anything else, I have a separate bin for period pants and put them on their own wash without fabric conditioner, as you’re supposed to, so as not to wreck them - but of course she just chucks hers (mine!) in the main basket and I don’t notice until I’m hanging washing out to dry.

There is a recurring theme btw of her not respecting mine or her sister’s possessions at all, taking what she fancies and then lying about it.

So tonight, after the discovery of two pairs of my period pants being used by her, after fuck knows how many times of telling her not to do that, I’ve reiterated again that she’s an absolute minger for thinking I want to share period pants with her, she can keep those pairs and I will replace mine out of her pocket money. AIBU?

@Covidandapartridgeinapeartree ADHD effects executive function and regardless of age someone would really struggle with riding their room.

I said I wouldn’t speak to a child like that, I never said I wouldn’t stand up for a child who was being berated by an adult.

Is your 5 year old ND?

@Lulabelle03 I do my best, I’m not perfect but who is? Yes I have a lot on but that’s not a new thing, one child is late teens and one is nearly 13, I’ve been on my own with them a long time. If I don’t earn money we don’t eat. I am straight talking. I give all the love and praise in the world to both of them on a daily basis, however, if something is unacceptable to me (and my bar is really low compared to most parents), I will first explain nicely why and ask them nicely not to do that. And will continue to ask nicely for the next god knows how many times, but eventually I will lose my shit and there will be consequences. Pretty sure parenting a SEN child doesn’t mean that you allow them to grow up doing exactly as they please. That’s not going to help them in the long run.

Does ur 5 year old have autism and adhd? Because this child does which is not a Coincidence

The period pants her replacing them totally agree - no that’s just rank.

but I’d stop pocket money altogether

I’d also black sack up all her clothes and she can pay £5 per wash out of her money (one way to stop her going to chucking them in) and every single piece of clothing on the floor in a black sack and she earns it back one by one

£50 a month at age 13 by doing nothing for the money - think again

my friend checks their room on Friday - if it isn’t tidy Mary the cleaner comes to tidy it for £10 an hour which disappears out of their pocket money - I always think this is cool. Mum pays herself for tidying

it’s had a huge impact

You can be a successful plastic surgeon with autism but it doesn’t mean that when you get home you don’t forget where you put your pencil. This is the point im making that perhaps the arguments op is having with her daughter is about her autism not that she’s ‘rank’

Poor child - she needs your empathy and support.

Children with ASD are on average approx 6 years behind emotionally - just let thank sink in & adjust your expectations.

I'm going to hide this thread as it's making me so angry and sad.

@TheCheeseTray would you really do that to a child with a disability that affects executive function?

Wow I was w0ih you on your first comment on the thread but I agree with the majority of others here.. you clearly don't know much about ASD at all judging by this whopper.

You should t be nasty to anyone, doesn’t matter if it’s a teenager or not.

You were. So not as shocked & worried as you made out🤣

She has confirmed ASD and suspected ADHD… yes, she’s your daughter and you know her better than a bunch of strangers on the internet but perhaps she is not just lazy - it could literally be her ADHD and she feels overwhelmed not knowing where to start with organising and so simply doesn’t bother with it and then from the tone that you’ve written your OP you go in all guns blazing and it’s no wonder tbh that she kicks off. She’s a child and needs guidance not a mum kicking off and telling her she’s lazy and a minger… You wash the pants so I can’t really see the trouble, she’s your own daughter. However you seem to feel very strongly so try and make it very clear once again to her that you’re not up for sharing those items and that you will help her to organise her own so she doesn’t take hers. Having ADHD is difficult enough to navigate never mind that on top of ASD and being a young teen. You’re being a little unreasonable imo. You need to take a much more calm and relaxed tone and manner with her- if you’re more approachable she’ll likely be more agreeable.

*doesn’t take yours

Absolutely take the money from her. And reduce the amount of stuff in her room.

We use rails and baskets instead of wardrobes and drawers.

Makes things easier to see, which helps with organising/executivefunctio.

3 baskets on bottom shelf. One for underwear, one for Pj's, one for socks/tights. Everything else hung up.

Also bear in mind we are all on the spectrum somewhere - it's only when you meet a certain threshold you get the label. We all have some traits of autism to a greater and lesser extent - it isn't a black or white definition

No we're really not all on the spectrum somewhere. Every time this is trotted out I inwardly seethe. I know you're being empathetic here- thank you- but this old trope devalues completely what a ND person lives with. I, as a NT person, with some foibles - I don't like mornings/ find some noises loud- have no idea really what life is like for my adhd teen or my asd/ adhd 11 yo. To say I do is completely disingenuous and misleading.

I've also made the laundry easier by putting it on hangers before it goes to their room.

Having the socks downstairs by the washing machine - theres 3 of us so ive got a 3 tier plastic thing. And chucking the teens pants/socks/pj's in plastic stacking boxes (one each) downstairs.

Means I don't have to put so much energy into taking their stuff uptairs/pairing socks.

If you've got any ideas of how to make them empty pockets, I'd be very grateful. Am fucking sick of having lipsil in the tumble drier. It wrecks everything

My DC willingly did more age 3-5 than they do now aged 10!

Could you put a timer on for five mins every evening and put things away together until she gets into the swing of it & forms a new habit?

I told my 12 year off for having a messy room the other day then walked across the hall to my room and it was even worse than hers. We really laughed. I think I was secretly telling myself off. Some days feel utterly exhausting though don’t they? Always feel like you’re nagging. I remember frequently huffing & tutting when my lovely mum had ironed my clothes and asked me to put them away. She’ll get there. You’ll find a way together. Try not to get too pissed off with her or she’ll resist it completely.

Btw, period pants have changed my life. First time using them (Modi Bodi) last month and I was amazed beyond words. 45 years old and only just discovered them. Can’t wait for my next period!

Most of the posters on here seem to me to have missed the point.

The OP is not particularly raging against the state of DD's room. She is raging against the fact that her daughter is - not to put too fine a point on it - STEALING items she has specifically been asked not to use. It is this which needs addressing and which I do not see as being related to ASD or ADHD.

Raising an honest child - one who does not feel they are entitled to help themselves to others' belongings - is a lot more important than raising a tidy one.

There have been some great ideas for helping resolve the room state in order to locate the 15 missing pairs. I would also support the suggestion that the OP hides her own period pants. Apart from anything else this will change the equation - DD will no longer know that 'stealing mum's PP will no longer be loads easier than finding my own'. And there is always the alternative of pads with knickers.

That is what I suggested. OP needs to put her own period pants somewhere where they can't be found.

Is your child and the OP’s child the same? Do you know the OP’s child? I thought not to both question. Wind your bloody neck in

😂😂

Finally someone talking sense!

ASD shouldn’t be a get out of jail card for everything. Our duty as parents to guide & keep boundaries must prevail.

@Handsoffmypants 82% of people don’t think you’re being unreasonable.you sound like a great Mum.

OP never said that her daughter is rank though did she? She said that sharing period pants is rank - which it is.

You clearly have a chip on your shoulder. Maybe you should step away from the thread, go outside and touch some grass

YANBU to ask her to pay for a replacement.
YABU with everything else you said