MIL 'speaking out' on H's behalf regarding DD's studies

[shecanshewillmil]

DD is 4 and starting school in September

I do basic learning with her but in addition to this, she is learning to play piano, she swims twice a week and does gymnastics. I enjoy talking to my daughter, and naturally we have conversations about interesting, education topics, worded appropriately for her age groups

Disciple is important from an earlier age. It simply makes your life easier. In the end. I do not hit my children, I mean self discipline. DD has to put her washing in her basket and knows how to separate white washes, strictly. She is good at this. Puts her shoes away properly. Knows not to take more stuff out without putting the other stuff out

Puts her bed together in the morning (with my help, I want it done properly).

MIL pulled me aside at the weekend to say H was worried about my attitude towards learning. She said he is concerned DD is doing too much. I said did H really say this? She said well, no, but I know he feels that way. H says to ignore her

I said no, she's happy and balanced. There isn't even a mention of her disliking anything yet. She enjoys her activities

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

AIBU to say it is not her place? She lacks personal discipline and it shows. Sadly, we must all do it to succeed

Perhaps this is a cultural thing. H is white British. I am not so. But I have to say, I am from a working class background and by no means 'middle class'. But opportunities and exposure through fun is important to me, parenting wise! It builds children up for success and happiness. These things set the foundations for a happy, comfortable life.

I would have done the same for a son. The things OP’s DD are doing are just basic self care. I’m not enthused about picking up after boys or girls and I’d be terrified of raising a son who appears on a mumsnet thread in 30 years as a lazy sod who expects his wife to clean up after him like a skivvy. husband can cook, clean find the laundry basket. I’d expect the same from any son.

OP, you obviously want the best for your DD and are keen to encourage her to stretch herself, think of others, have self discipline etc.

None of that is a bad thing, but your tone comes over as though you have high expectations of her and I'd worry that she realises this and grows up striving for perfection and not being satisfied with 'very good'. I'm sure you'd hate for her to develop anxiety over receiving a B grade rather than A.

The other thing that strikes me is that you and your DH don't seem to be equal parents. You seem to be the primary care giver and dominate the style of parenting your DD receives. Do you and your DH see yourselves as equal parents and have equal say in how DD is brought up? Does he share your style and replicate it when you are not around?

Again, I don't necessarily think your parenting style is bad for her, but it might be tricky as she grows older and develops friends with children who have more relaxed upbringings.

I don’t think making the bed is a problem? Montessori parents have their 4yos do a lot more. It fosters independence.

It is literally "be grateful you're not like your brother" and that's a terrible message to send.

Thank you. Yes I agree what you're saying about the DS thing. I will take that on board for some food for thoughts

Sounds like a perfect balance to me… as long as she is enjoying it!

I think you have too many expectations of your daughter, she is very young she should be allowed to just be sometimes and to play. Also you shouldn't be encouraging her to be grateful for not being disabled. It's like saying she.should be grateful for being who she is. She shouldn't have that pressure on her.

Yes, me too. Too many lazy men around, in every country!

you responded to me to say you make mistakes/ everything a learning opportunity, WHY? Give her a break. I’m 100 per cent for helping children learn but not all the time. I imagine your DH has said something to MIL about it as ghee’s likely worried, let her be 4

My grandmother (my mum’s MIL) used to get me alone when I was 3, 4, 5 and shame me for various things - like when I was 3, she told me I was far too old for having a security blanket.
Then when I was 8, she got me alone and shamed me for the little girls one-piece swim suit I had on. She asked me if it wasn’t too sexy - I didn’t know what “sexy” meant.

My granny was a piece of work and I learned at an early age to stay far away from her. Be careful that your daughter is protected from her granny too, @shecanshewillmil.

If your MIL is White British and you are not, is this also that she is a little blinded by privilege in that she gets by without comment on being without 'discipline' but you know that if you did exactly the same you (and your child when she gets older) would be more harshly judged, simply because she is white and you aren't?

I don't understand the last two sentences. Are you calling the MIL a lousy woman or the people on here who have disagreed with OP?
I don't think either are "lousy" to be honest. MIL sounds concerned and with a sensible chat that could probably be reassured and if you post on AIBU you have to be prepared that some people will think you are.

My H is lovely and clean, tidy person. No thanks to MIL, that's for sure. But his dad was ex military

His mum is a bit of a messy lady. And always complaining of things, lots of different things, when the problem stems from not going for something and disciplining herself to stick to it

I think it is a good thing. Learning instruments is good for her manipulation skills which will help her writing and the rhythms/reading music will support her reading skills. Swimming will benefit her in a range of ways and is never too early to start in my opinion.

Conversations with kids about topics during daily life etc is a huge thing and sadly missing from most children's lives. The vocabulary of our kids in the UK is poor nationally and this is down to a lack of conversation. Her understanding of the world will be enhanced through this.

Sorting into whites and coloured clothing is good maths for her. Making her bed and tidying is showing responsibility for where she lives and she will be expected to do this when she starts school. So many do not and it is so evident that too many kids have parents who do not expect basics like tidying up and taking care of things as they do it all for them.

You're doing a good job.

I'm like that because I have adhd.

Just fyi.

Sounds like someone who is keeping her house in order and is teaching her child the same within her capabilities as she grows. She’s hardly being treated like a maid the things she does takes a matter of seconds to a few minutes. I don’t think she will be on here when her daughter is a teenager moaning about the state of her room because they have never been expected to do do any tidying whatsoever in they’re younger year’s. What’s wrong with that?

YANBU on the chores and activities. But I'm also not native British and I find my white British friends to be quite lax with learning and discipline early on with their kids so there is a cultural aspect there. There is also a difference in how you talk about things which sounds a bit harsh.

YABU about the comparison to her disabled brother. Not ok and will set her up (and you!) for a whole heap of problems later on. You don't want her to resent him and you don't want her to resent you for putting this pressure on her. You would be surprised how kids remember even one comment like this for years! Be very careful.

The main thing that comes across from your post and replies is that you have a very inflexible way of thinking; there is only one right way to do things.

Despite your vocal snobbery towards people of other cultures you will find that the majority of parents from all backgrounds in the U.K. get their preschoolers involved in tidying, washing ect as part of learning. Where the conflict in the majority viewpoint is coming is from the harsh tone you take towards her as if she is a GCSE student and not a 4 year old.

You completely misunderstood the poster who said multiple toys in the same space could lead to imaginative play and just repeated back your process of tidying away.

There is nothing wrong with anything you do with your child, that could all be fairly normal. It’s the military mentality from your words that is giving off red flags. Whether this will continue to be a positive thing in the long run will depend on how you react if your daughter disagrees with you or fails to meet your standards.

When I read in the news of very sad cases of child neglect a big component of that is making the child do age inappropriate household chores and punishing them for failing to meet standards.

Im not suggesting that you are abusing your child in any way but the fact that such a large volume of people think you are pressing your child to behave in an age inappropriate way should cause you to pause and check in with yourself and your beliefs.

There is definitely a disconnect between your rigid thinking and your notion that this will foster independence and free thinking. Flexibility is also an important life skill.

I wish both of your children a happy life.

Well luckily DD looks mostly white with slight colouring in sunshine and pretty face you might question 'where are your parents from?' She's very beautiful

I am Korean. I look more Chinese. People are extremely rude sometimes but in an older British way of it being passive aggressive. Strangely though, nobody under 30 has ever been racist towards me yet. Genuinely, never

I’m not saying what you’re doing with dd is right or wrong. I’m not here to judge. All I am going to say is that your posts make me feel tense.

that's fine, but maybe not from 4?

Many of us believe that children start school too early in this country, and I would think the same about rigid chores. Of course they help, but you have more than a few years to teach them to do their own laundry and cook diner.

I wouldn't expect a 4 year old to have to remember to keep on top of their chores. It's fine if they do it because you asked them to help, but no need for pressure. They only have one childhood.

I cannot believe there's a whole thread of people here who think that you're unreasonable because your child does swimming twice a week & makes her bed with mummy in a morning 😂

You're a right odd bunch.

OP, tell your MIL to mind her own. You sound like you're doing a great job. My 2 year old enjoys making my bed with me in a morning :)

"And to clarify, yes she should know she is fortunate. Anyone should who is not disabled - at least know they have that advantage

DD knows full well that she has the gift of speech and is able to use that. She appreciates the hardships of others like her brother and I think this gives her a good sense of empathy, even at 4"

Life will make this more than evident.
I always thought my job was to absorb the weight of that knowledge for as long as possible and just let my children be siblings - with all the annoyances, squabbling and petty frustrations that go along with it. Their relationship is built and shaped by them, not me.

4 year olds do not "fail".

People parent differently and that's obviously fine, and there's clearly nothing wrong with a parenting style that involves exposing your DC to lots of different activities and opportunities and teaching her to make a meaningful contribution to maintaining and tidying the home she lives in.

But reading what you've said in your subsequent posts about your expectations etc., I think the risk with your style of parenting is that you end up with an anxious, excessively perfectionist, over-directed child who is afraid of taking risks and making mistakes.