MIL 'speaking out' on H's behalf regarding DD's studies

[shecanshewillmil]

DD is 4 and starting school in September

I do basic learning with her but in addition to this, she is learning to play piano, she swims twice a week and does gymnastics. I enjoy talking to my daughter, and naturally we have conversations about interesting, education topics, worded appropriately for her age groups

Disciple is important from an earlier age. It simply makes your life easier. In the end. I do not hit my children, I mean self discipline. DD has to put her washing in her basket and knows how to separate white washes, strictly. She is good at this. Puts her shoes away properly. Knows not to take more stuff out without putting the other stuff out

Puts her bed together in the morning (with my help, I want it done properly).

MIL pulled me aside at the weekend to say H was worried about my attitude towards learning. She said he is concerned DD is doing too much. I said did H really say this? She said well, no, but I know he feels that way. H says to ignore her

I said no, she's happy and balanced. There isn't even a mention of her disliking anything yet. She enjoys her activities

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

AIBU to say it is not her place? She lacks personal discipline and it shows. Sadly, we must all do it to succeed

Perhaps this is a cultural thing. H is white British. I am not so. But I have to say, I am from a working class background and by no means 'middle class'. But opportunities and exposure through fun is important to me, parenting wise! It builds children up for success and happiness. These things set the foundations for a happy, comfortable life.

Are you from East Asia @shecanshewillmil

Making her bed, separating her laundry etc is far to much at 4. She's a kid, let her be one. At 4, the only thing she should be doing is having fun & enjoying being a kid.

you are doing nothing wrong, only right. But you are culturally different than the British and apparently your mother in law has forgotten that perhaps that how she has been trained as a young girl to learn how to do things starting with basics, like put your dress there, put your shoes under the clothes rack, cut that apple, simple baking. I think you are marvelous mother who is raising great ( apparently gifted daughter ) also and please, take off that post. The lousy women won't get it

I think what your 4-year-old is doing is fine, and you have perfectly reasonable expectations of a child that age. The only bit of your post that made me raise my eyebrows was where you said personal discipline is necessary for success. While that is true, I think that might indicate a subtle, or not so subtle, pressure to “succeed” at an older age.

I disagree. She can and does enjoy being a child! Of course she does

It is funny you think two basic things I've listed would prevent this

'Sorry S, I can't come to the park and play. I have spent 30 seconds putting a T-shirt in the Basket instead'

Tbh you sound too controlling. Look up parenting styles. You say your DD is happy but she doesn’t know anything else. Relax with her a bit.

I think your wording is a bit OTT (re discipline and your MIL) but what you're doing with your daughter sounds lovely and very positive.

I would just say to remember that just because your child has wanted to do something at one time doesn't mean they want to do it forever and you will need to give her flexibility for this (saying this as one who endured 9 years of music lessons when I'd have happily quit after 1 but knew how overinvested my mum was/didn't want to upset her). You daughter may want to do gymnastics, swimming etc now but when she wants to take up karate (for example) you could try that alongside the others for a while and then see which she wants to drop.

I know everyone's different but for me a good rule of thumb is kids having two free evenings a week at least on school days (no clubs or classes) and ideally the whole weekend free, except maybe one fun sports session like fun swimming with family or a kickabout or parkrun.

Not addressing this to the OP but how I'd love to hear that one of the small children being encouraged to do tasks around the house was a boy. It's always the little girls who seem to be encouraged in this direction for some reason...

The lousy women won't get it

What?

Your posts make you sound very controlling.it may have been the way you were brought up.

What's the worst thing about a bed being left unmade ?how would that make you feel? Maybe these are the areas you should address?

Be careful she doesn't rebel against you as she gets older and realises what other Children are like

I do feel that your husband has Confided in his mum. I wonder if you are as controlling with him that he is afraid to confront you with this himself?

It’s good you’re exposing her to these things but does she actually get the chance to be a 4 year old who can be silly, messy and a risk taker because all of these things are just as important as the educational activities.

What does your last sentence mean?

I have and see Tiger Mum mentioned a lot here

I'm not one. I encourage but don't push. DD allowed to quit if she wants. I don't insist on anything. Self discipline yes but nothing crazy and ridiculous. Loving and warm home, mistakes taken as learning opportunities. I never shout at her. She responds well to explaining why something hasn't worked. Failing first time is fine too as it's all a learning experience. When we fail, what matters is someone shows us where we went wrong! Then we have a lightbulb moment

My overall emphasis is on fun and enjoying life! And enjoying the stuff you do within it.

You do sound like you might be a bit exhausting to be around. She’s only four now and probably eager to please but as she gets older she might not like all the structure and may not even continue to enjoy the same activities she’s doing now. What about when she’s at school, will there be strict home learning schedules?

Will you please take on board that telling your dd to be grateful she isn't like her disabled brother is a terrible dynamic to foster.

She’s FOUR. I am honestly terrified for her and the pressure she’ll be subjected to as she gets older / approaches exams etc. Please leave the poor little thing alone.

Don't automatically dismiss what she says. Are you sure it's a good idea for your dd to be so aware of not having the same issues her brother does at her age?

Separating whites at 4 years old 😅 so ridiculous it made me laugh.
My 3 year old is a 3 year old. It's not his job to separate whites. He chooses to help me out away his washing in his drawers after I've folded it, and likes to help with other stuff but we let him do what he finds fun at the moment as he's just a small child.

Yes I do take on board some of the points raise surrounding this, definitely

Also please remember that not every moment is a teaching moment: that is utterly exhausting to a child, and she’ll soon just switch off and zone out. Give her space to grow / play / behave like a child. Your posts are genuinely exhausting to read. And absolutely stop stop STOP telling her that she should be grateful she’s not like her brother. And STOP trying to make her be everything you think you lost in having your son be disabled.

I’m visualising tigers for some reason.

I agree that life is more enjoyable when you are doing things to the best of your ability - the more you learn the more there is to enjoy. As long as you are sure your DD is happy, not overly tired, enjoying making friends and exploring for herself then there is no problem. You are giving your DD gifts for the future...

If it was just chores and activities, that's fine. Pull the duvet to let the bed get some air when you get up, put your shoes where they belong, it's actually normal in many families. It's not up to mummy to pick up coat, hats, dirty socks...

It's the tone and attitude that feel wrong to me.
Sadly, we must all do it to succeed The chid is 4. There's far too much pressure at that age, and as people said above, the pressure and comparison with her brother are not healthy.

‘Marvellous mothers’ do not hold the standards of one child to another, or insist on using their disabled child as an example of how one should be grateful not to be like them. That is at best Dickensian, at worst abusive (or heading that way).

The child is four years old and not yet at school - one session of gymnastics per week, one swimming lesson, a family swim activity and learning the piano with her mother is a tiny proportion of her week and utterly standard activities for this age group judging by the advertising around here. They were pretty standard when mine were that age as well.

Similarly why is sorting the laundry "too much" but sorting bricks would be "play"? There is nothing wrong with making household tasks fun and encouraging children to join in and be a bit independent. This is normal family life surely? Similarly having a jumble of stuff to stimulate imaginative play may be fine if you have a large, dedicated playroom but not so much if the play area is shared living space in a small house or flat or if younger children are sharing the space.

OP, where I think you do need to be careful is around her brother's disability. She shouldn't feel guilty or responsible for his well being - it can be a fine line between appreciating what one can do and feeling guilty because not everyone can do the same things.

I think the tone is a cultural one. It may come across harsher and more blunt that would be strictly translated for English