MIL 'speaking out' on H's behalf regarding DD's studies

[shecanshewillmil]

DD is 4 and starting school in September

I do basic learning with her but in addition to this, she is learning to play piano, she swims twice a week and does gymnastics. I enjoy talking to my daughter, and naturally we have conversations about interesting, education topics, worded appropriately for her age groups

Disciple is important from an earlier age. It simply makes your life easier. In the end. I do not hit my children, I mean self discipline. DD has to put her washing in her basket and knows how to separate white washes, strictly. She is good at this. Puts her shoes away properly. Knows not to take more stuff out without putting the other stuff out

Puts her bed together in the morning (with my help, I want it done properly).

MIL pulled me aside at the weekend to say H was worried about my attitude towards learning. She said he is concerned DD is doing too much. I said did H really say this? She said well, no, but I know he feels that way. H says to ignore her

I said no, she's happy and balanced. There isn't even a mention of her disliking anything yet. She enjoys her activities

DD had a disabled brother and knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers, and should appreciate life to the full

AIBU to say it is not her place? She lacks personal discipline and it shows. Sadly, we must all do it to succeed

Perhaps this is a cultural thing. H is white British. I am not so. But I have to say, I am from a working class background and by no means 'middle class'. But opportunities and exposure through fun is important to me, parenting wise! It builds children up for success and happiness. These things set the foundations for a happy, comfortable life.

Yes, there is definitely a whiff of over compensating coming off this thread. I am not sure why you posted in AIBU OP as you clearly aren’t taking on anything that’s been raised. You are just doubling down on “my way is the right way.”

I hope your DD isn’t too messed up by all this pressure.

It’s like you’re trying to build one child that can do everything to make up for the other who can’t, and honestly it reads like the poor girl is being emotionally manipulated by comparing her to her brother.

Yip. This. I'd say it's emotional manipulation at best and abuse at worst.

Poor DD, what ridiculous pressure on a 4 year old, you sound like a dictator wanting things done properly. She. Is. Four. FFS.

So basically you are encouraging her to feel guilty that her brother is disabled and she isn't.

That might not be your intention but that's absolutely the message you're giving her. That she somehow has to make up for being the fortunate one.

I worked with disabled children and their families for nearly forty years, I've seen this play out with siblings, and it's a terrible thing to do to then. I'm sure you mean well, but please, please back pedal on this.

I do have a 20yo who has never rebelled

Ha ha. Not to your face!

Abuse for -

Doing activities, liked and continued by her, by choice

Jobs that takes less than 2 minutes a day total - so putting washing in a basket and sorting out your bed/pillow?

Okay

If it takes 30 seconds then why does DD need to do it at all.

She doesn’t need a positive start to the day because she’s 4 and that should be a given and she’ll develop motor skills by playing like all other 4 year olds do.

My DD never made her bed and now at 16 she keeps her room spotless because she wants to, not because I make her.

It sounds as if your MIL is concerned about her granddaughter and thinks your expectations of a four year old are too high. She communicated this very badly by pretending she was speaking on behalf of your husband.
I would have an honest chat with your husband , without getting angry or disagreeing, to ask how he views things and whether he agrees with his mother on any level.
It can be difficult being a grandmother-obviously interfering is a bad thing but I can see why she might want to express a view.
Just stand back and think about it without having to argue or respond to her in any way. If you see signs at any point that your daughter seems stressed you can always readjust.
Helping etc. can increase a child's confidence (see Montessori method where independence and self care are actively encouraged but it's very child centered). Can you talk to your MIL without getting hot under the collar about her interfering and explain your rationale for the way you're doing things and reassure her that you are aware that putting children under pressure can lead to problems later so you are careful about that?
Some of your posts sound a bit defensive, can you discuss it without arguing so she feels reassured?
In what way do you think that your MIl lacks self discipline? That would be very interesting to know. She might be picking up non-verbal cues that make her feel uneasy. Self discipline is important but so is relaxation and fun.

Christ on a bike poor kid.
Way too much to put on a 4 year olds shoulders.
Does she have any time to actually be a 4 year old?

As long as the activities are done in a fun and engaging way, I see no problem with the amount of extracurriculars. However, if she's starting school in September you should be prepared to possibly drop a few of the classes as she'll most likely be far too tired for it all. Reception is a lot for them, even if they're used to longer days at nursery. It's not the length of the day it's the intensity of it.

Your MIL should stop trying to speak on behalf of other people. She's allowed an opinion and she has now voiced it, so now it's time for her to drop it.

I can see the cultural difference is huge, but kids are capable of far more than we expect from them, there is nothing wrong with self discipline being taught from an early age. The number of badly brought up kids has multiplied over the last few years, can’t do anything for themselves, don’t know how to be polite, you only have to listen to my teacher friends, it’s quite worrying. I like your style of parenting op.

Have you read the thread? I have clarified twice now that I did NOT say my 4 year old lacks discipline!

No, you said your 4yr old has personal discipline which is worse.

knows she is fortunate not to have these barriers.

DD knows full well that she has the gift of speech and is able to use that. She appreciates the hardships of others like her brother and I think this gives her a good sense of empathy, even at 4

The only way she could know those things at 4 is if she is told by an adult.

But they are very happy, well adjusted, polite kids. I have never once heard them complain.

Children who live regimented lives will have learned not to complain.

Learning to do chores and attending activities can be really good for young children, as long as they have time to play too.

I’d be incredibly careful about teaching your daughter to be grateful she isn’t disabled like her brother though. Having a sibling with a disability can be challenging in lots of ways, she doesn’t need that kind of pressure.

No. Abuse for making her feel grateful for the air she breathes and comparing her to her brother and making her feel grateful she can speak.

Are you Marie Kondo?

OP you’ve had multiple people on here saying it’s too much, as well as your MIL
and your DH who shares his concern with his mum.

Perhaps you should take on board some of the comments and ask your DH what changes he’d like and come up with a compromise between you both about what will benefit DD the most.

Yes I hope she doll drop swimming but she is very keen so probably not. She enjoys piano and likes gymnastics from TV/has pre school friend there so not sure which she will choose to drop, if any

She asked to do karate recently and I said no. Because it was getting too much but I will let her if she still wants to in a few months

As I say, she isn't forced and can decide it isn't for her. Nobody and especially not me/H will force her

If you, your child and your husband are happy and enjoying life, by all means continue as you are. I'm impressed. It's my belief as a primary school teacher that parents in the UK typically expect too little from their children and teach them even less. The number of children who arrive at school seemingly unable to even dress themselves, use cutlery and follow basic instructions (let alone master basic social skills and manners...) is actually frightening. The brain is extremely plastic at this age and it's a perfect opportunity to learn an enormous amount.
Ignore the naysayers!

She's only 4

You sound way too regimented it could be a cultural thing it's really not usual for a British 4 Yr old to be doing those things. Not that it's necessarily wrong but it seems very strange to me.

Helping you do things is fine though and that's how children learn. Your husband must have said something to his mum as otherwise how would she know?

She's never had a reason to rebel?

She's been raised to be part of a family, and part of that to me means helping each other out, making your own bed and doing your laundry is part of that. Luckily she agreed and has always been happy to do more than was ever asked from her.

Shes 4, I think you're overdoing it. I'm not white either but I think you sound like a tiger mum

I think your MIL is right. And that little girl is going to grow up asking to visit your MIL on the regular. (Especially sleepovers)....just so she can relax and have real childhood down time with her Grandma.

My mum was like this. I rebelled. And loved every single minute of it. 😆

(And I quit EVERYTHING she had forced upon me including piano, swimming galas and fencing) our relationship is not good and never will be.

While it’s each to their own and your MIL should mind her own it might be worth looking into children’s brain developmental stages as some of what you are expecting of your DD is literally not yet within her gift in terms of development

Is the Tiger mum your inspiration?

Can you please explain how I am like your mum? She is forcing those things upon you. I haven't done that