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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Close family members disinterested in our baby - unsure if normal or not?

163 replies

Birminghambabe · 05/07/2023 09:36

I’m not really sure how I feel on this one. Myself and DH have a 3 month old and of course to us the centre of our whole world.

I’ve always been a firm believer of just because you’re getting married, having babies etc doesn’t mean everyone else around you is going to be as obsessed as you are because they’ve got their own life going on.
Yet for some reason since our baby has been born part of me is a bit miffed that one of my siblings and one of DH siblings are so disinterested in the fact we’ve had a baby. They never ask how baby is, haven’t met our baby yet (have cancelled plans to do so or said they’re busy).
At the same time I’m saying to myself it’s fine, they’re not baby people, they didn’t ask to be an aunt and uncle etc but when people mention how our siblings are loving auntie and uncle life I say they haven’t met our baby and they follow with “wow, that’s so bad!”

Please let me know what you think about this? Right now I’m not super hurt about it, but as time goes on maybe I am getting a bit bothered

YANBU - They probably should at least ask how baby is, maybe make a bit of effort
YABU - It’s fine that they aren’t interested, they’re just not baby people

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/07/2023 19:51

Playyourpart · 05/07/2023 19:44

Other people’s babies just aren’t very interesting. I’m very close to my sister. I could take or leave her DD (my niece) though. I’m just not very engaged with her.

My own DC are amazing. I adore them. Nieces and nephews don’t feature much in my mind though. I’m nice when they’re around, but don’t ever think I’d like to see them.

Wow what a truly honestly horrible comment

Backstreets · 05/07/2023 19:54

That’s sad. I’m not very maternal myself but for a close relative I’d absolutely want to come visit and see how you were getting on and bring a little present for the baby.

MangshorJhol · 05/07/2023 19:57

You asked what care and companionship meant, I described it. I am sure if the sister had dropped by say with some food a few times, or organised a cleaner (which you can do long distance even) or even sent a hamper for OP (also possible long distance) all of that would be nice.

OP’s own sister lives an hour away. Not 3.5.
And they have cancelled on the OP and never once turned up at her house in 3 months.

They used to see each other often enough before the baby came along. And to repeat, her own sister lives an hour away.

ThisIsACoolUserName · 05/07/2023 19:58

My SIL and BIL will shortly be having their first baby.
With a LOOOONG engagement, wedding, house move and now the pregnancy, we've been lavishing them with attention for years. Fair enough - they demand it, we don't.
However, we've been through a tough time over the last year and they've barely asked how we're doing. So yes, the baby is coming along, but I'm afraid I don't have the energy to give it too much thought.
We will visit when it's born - but not immediately (not to prove a point, but to avoid the chaos of the grandparents all wanting their time with the baby) and only to fit in around our own plans, holidays and work commitments.
I have much bigger priorities this year, including my ageing parents, career, home refurb project and so on.

SoSoSoSo · 05/07/2023 20:00

Wow what a truly honestly horrible comment

Nothing horrible about it. She's perfectly nice to her niece when she's around. She doesn't ignore her.

TumbleweedRolling · 05/07/2023 20:01

MrsU2022 · 05/07/2023 10:09

I absolutely adore my niece (Brother's daughter). I am due my first baby in a couple of weeks and he and his partner are so excited.

However my DH brother and wife have not bothered with me at all during my pregnancy, have had no contact and they've not shown any interest and I don't expect them to when the baby is here. They are utterly self absorbed and don't like anyone else having the limelight. It's quite apparent that the first grandchild on this side of the family will be 'taking away' from their upcoming house move.

Very prepared to experience 2 completely different relationships - I've learnt just to not have any expectations from the ones that don't show any interest! It's difficult but just focus on the ones that bring you and your little family love and joy x

I just find it funny how you are calling other’s self absorbed, while you’re being self absorbed 😆

ThisIsACoolUserName · 05/07/2023 20:04

TumbleweedRolling · 05/07/2023 20:01

I just find it funny how you are calling other’s self absorbed, while you’re being self absorbed 😆

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Me too! 😳

Cherrysoup · 05/07/2023 20:04

I was very present in my cousins’ lives growing up, they were more like younger siblings than cousins, I stayed at their house a lot and took them to school/picked them up, took them everywhere etc. Now they have children and I have moved away, so don’t know their dc. I am deeply disinterested in the children. There’s no connection. I empathise with the siblings lack of interest. Your child is the most important thing to you, quite rightly, but not to them.

AhNowTed · 05/07/2023 20:04

I'm an aunty to (checks notes) 14 nieces and nephews, and a great aunt to 9.

The novelty wears off.

LaBefana · 05/07/2023 20:04

People who expect me to coo all over their babies and be very interested in every crap they have really get on my tits. Double if they think there's 'something wrong with me' for being like this.

SoSoSoSo · 05/07/2023 20:05

They used to see each other often enough before the baby came along. And to repeat, her own sister lives an hour away

True but her DH's brother was also mentioned who lives 3 1/2 hours away, and I did say or anyone else's siblings. Also I think expecting your sibling to hire a cleaner for you is a bit much.

LaBefana · 05/07/2023 20:06

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/07/2023 19:51

Wow what a truly honestly horrible comment

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Nothing 'horrible' about at all in my opinion. Don't be so judgy. I'm the same as this person.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2023 20:08

I don’t like babies at all and when colleagues visited with their newborns I’d go and hide somewhere.

I totally appreciate not wanting kids and not being crazy about kids or babies, but to actually go and hide when someone comes around to briefly introduce their baby to their colleagues? Fucking hell, get a grip.

TumbleweedRolling · 05/07/2023 20:13

FoodFann · 05/07/2023 11:11

Not liking babies is one thing. But I think what’s more disappointing for me is that our siblings have been almost completely useless in helping us adults during those first few weeks post-partum.

When they have babies I’m going to show up with food, drink, vacuum, cleaning products and put a proper shift in!

They turned up here once, did one load of laundry for me, and then wanted a full meal and a photoshoot with my new baby when I was very ill and one day post c-section.

They should show up for YOU, not just the baby.

You chose to have a kid!
Why would anyone else have to deal with that?
Unless you asked their opinion on the matter before you went and got knocked up.

If someone said to me ”hey, I had a baby, come clean my house, make me a dinner and change the kids nappy”.
I’d think their lost their minds and never see them again.
How selfish and entitled can you be?

TallTrees78 · 05/07/2023 20:14

I'm childfree by choice and not keen on children but I love my sibling's children. I'm very close to my siblings though so maybe that makes a difference?

ThisIsACoolUserName · 05/07/2023 20:15

LaBefana · 05/07/2023 20:04

People who expect me to coo all over their babies and be very interested in every crap they have really get on my tits. Double if they think there's 'something wrong with me' for being like this.

My MIL tells DH and I EVERY small, boring detail about the impending arrival of her grandchild.
I get it, she's overcome with excitement. But I want to grip her by the shoulders, shake her and shout 'I'm a 39 year old who has CHOSEN not to have kids. Why the FUCK do you think I'd be interested in this!!?'

Aquamarine1029 · 05/07/2023 20:24

FoodFann · 05/07/2023 11:11

Not liking babies is one thing. But I think what’s more disappointing for me is that our siblings have been almost completely useless in helping us adults during those first few weeks post-partum.

When they have babies I’m going to show up with food, drink, vacuum, cleaning products and put a proper shift in!

They turned up here once, did one load of laundry for me, and then wanted a full meal and a photoshoot with my new baby when I was very ill and one day post c-section.

They should show up for YOU, not just the baby.

Your sense of entitlement is astonishing. Why do you think it's anyone else's responsibility, aside from your husband's, to care for you after your baby was born, and has it not occured to you that your siblings may not want you hanging around after they have their children?

Tandora · 05/07/2023 20:26

TumbleweedRolling · 05/07/2023 20:01

I just find it funny how you are calling other’s self absorbed, while you’re being self absorbed 😆

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I had exactly the same reaction. Sounds like someone likes to bask in the limelight, and doesn’t appreciate when others don’t show her sufficient attention 😆😆

Tandora · 05/07/2023 20:32

Instawars · 05/07/2023 10:13

Babies can do funny things to families. When my brother and his wife had a baby it was incredibly painful for me. I had heard for years about their struggles to conceive and how painful it was for them etc, all the while I was going through similar struggles but didn’t want to add further upset to the family by telling them my own issues with having a child.
when they got pregnant everyone was delighted and I was expected to be over the moon, and whilst thrilled for them it is incredibly painful seeing them have a baby whilst I am still childless.

they might not be interested, they might dislike children or find babies boring, they might have had to reconcile themselves to the fact they can’t have children. Just leave them be and concentrate on the people who are interested in your baby rather than pushing on those who aren’t interested.

i get that it’s a really exciting time for you and you want to show off the new addition, but stick to those who are interested -I’m sure there are plenty of those

This 100%. I think what people don’t factor in is how many emotions it can bring up in others when those close to them have babies for so many complicated reasons. It’s unlikely to be a case of simply bored and can’t be arsed.

thecatsthecats · 05/07/2023 20:35

When my friends and family have babies, I'm primarily concerned for their welfare post birth. Not meeting the baby.

I'm actually a bit sorry for my brother, who lives near me. Poor sod isn't going to be given the chance not to meet my baby like he dodged all my other nieces and nephews, my parents will bring him over when they come.

I don't see what benefit my baby will get out of a network of random aunts and uncles. I had some I loved, some I barely saw. I didn't give a fig about the ones who didn't give a fig about me. No harm done.

TumbleweedRolling · 05/07/2023 20:35

Irequireausername · 05/07/2023 15:27

I'm going to say something that society wouldn't expect, but when having a baby, some people get really upset and/or angry for various reasons.

My sil actually cried and was angry, even though she didn't want kids, it made her feel like she was lacking.

My sister barely asked about our babies because she felt she'd left it too late to have her own.

My mum wasn't coping as she thought i'd stop caring as much about her, and more about my PILs.

There's so many times i've seen this with friends and family.

Strangely everytime it's been women, not men, who get angry/upset at others having kids.

Avoiding seems to easier for them. It's threatening to their main character syndrome.

🙄
Good lord!
You really think very highly of yourself, huh?

Of course, women are just so jelous of mothers! All women only want babies!

Main character syndrome?
You mean like op, and many other mothers?
Funny, it’s only mothers, never fathers who demand attention and care once they have a kid 😉

Tandora · 05/07/2023 20:50

TumbleweedRolling · 05/07/2023 20:35

🙄
Good lord!
You really think very highly of yourself, huh?

Of course, women are just so jelous of mothers! All women only want babies!

Main character syndrome?
You mean like op, and many other mothers?
Funny, it’s only mothers, never fathers who demand attention and care once they have a kid 😉

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What rubbish. It’s not just women but men also who are very much affected by these things. It’s not just about wanting babies, often people who don’t want them can find it v difficult as well- because we live in a profoundly pro-Natalist society that promotes the idea that having a baby is of moral/ superior value/ worth. Also because relationships and priorities change when people have babies and that can be hard for those close to the situation, especially if they are people who dislike or don’t want children. It’s hard, it’s triggering, it affects both men and women, not all of these dynamics are conscious.

TumbleweedRolling · 05/07/2023 20:51

Tandora · 05/07/2023 20:26

I had exactly the same reaction. Sounds like someone likes to bask in the limelight, and doesn’t appreciate when others don’t show her sufficient attention 😆😆

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But you must remember!
She is carrying the first, FIRST, grandchild on THAT SIDE of the family!
😂

TumbleweedRolling · 05/07/2023 20:55

Tandora · 05/07/2023 20:50

What rubbish. It’s not just women but men also who are very much affected by these things. It’s not just about wanting babies, often people who don’t want them can find it v difficult as well- because we live in a profoundly pro-Natalist society that promotes the idea that having a baby is of moral/ superior value/ worth. Also because relationships and priorities change when people have babies and that can be hard for those close to the situation, especially if they are people who dislike or don’t want children. It’s hard, it’s triggering, it affects both men and women, not all of these dynamics are conscious.

Show quote history

I think you got the wrong person….

Original poster
Birminghambabe · 05/07/2023 21:29

I think this thread has taken a bit of a turn.

I just want to reiterate that I’m not hurt by it to an extent because I’ve always known they are not fans of young babies. I’m not shocked by it, and like I said before they never asked to be aunts and uncles and I can’t force them to be interested, if I was to force them or push it on them - it would be fake which I’d rather it not be.

I was having a convo with some friends over dinner and all were shocked. I had a small wedding late last year and we all (friends, our siblings) got on well which is why they asked how they are at being aunts and uncles. It made me question more if I should be annoyed or not as beforehand I brushed it off.

I have decided to move on from it and just remind myself that it is not personal.
Yes they did send a congratulations card! No gift but that’s not an issue as we had a lot of gifts from others so baby had more than enough.

Do I wish deep down that they saw my beautiful baby boy? Yes! I do. He is my baby born after losses and I’m very proud of him. But reading these comments made me realise that not every aunt / uncle wants to be involved. So I’ve come to the conclusion that it is normal

OP posts:
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