Close family members disinterested in our baby - unsure if normal or not?

[Birminghambabe]

I’m not really sure how I feel on this one. Myself and DH have a 3 month old and of course to us the centre of our whole world.

I’ve always been a firm believer of just because you’re getting married, having babies etc doesn’t mean everyone else around you is going to be as obsessed as you are because they’ve got their own life going on.
Yet for some reason since our baby has been born part of me is a bit miffed that one of my siblings and one of DH siblings are so disinterested in the fact we’ve had a baby. They never ask how baby is, haven’t met our baby yet (have cancelled plans to do so or said they’re busy).
At the same time I’m saying to myself it’s fine, they’re not baby people, they didn’t ask to be an aunt and uncle etc but when people mention how our siblings are loving auntie and uncle life I say they haven’t met our baby and they follow with “wow, that’s so bad!”

Please let me know what you think about this? Right now I’m not super hurt about it, but as time goes on maybe I am getting a bit bothered

YANBU - They probably should at least ask how baby is, maybe make a bit of effort
YABU - It’s fine that they aren’t interested, they’re just not baby people

But what is the real point of "meeting the baby"? How long's that going to take - 10 minutes? Because a three month old isn't going to do much of interest 😂 And then everybody has to drive home again.

I was thinking the same thing

We met my first nephew at his first birthday. We had no children then and weren’t bothered by them.
Dh brother makes zero effort with our kids. Met them maybe 2-3 times in their life eldest is 9. Never sends birthday cards/gifts etc. We’re not bothered and if he has children the effort will be reciprocated

I think you have answered your own question. Any visit or interest to meet the baby will be purely out of politeness/duty and not high on their agenda.

@fruitbrewhaha Will clear this up now, definitely no fertility issues. My sister has always never wanted children, BIL doesn’t like children either but doesn’t mind children over around 10 which I know is quite normal to feel this way. Both married someone who didn’t want children in the future.

All families are different, I suppose, but I do think that sounds pretty distant and selfish. Having a baby is a huge thing for you. Those close to you don’t have to get involved in the boring everyday minutiae of that but they should at least be supportive and show interest.

How hard is it to visit for a cup of tea and to meet the baby and see how you are after the birth?

Are you close to them otherwise? I can’t imagine not wanting to meet my sister’s baby after 3 months?! I’d be pretty hurt if I were you.

How hard is it to visit for a cup of tea and to meet the baby and see how you are after the birth?

Well pretty hard if you live 3 1/2 hours away (IMO)!

Not liking babies is one thing. But I think what’s more disappointing for me is that our siblings have been almost completely useless in helping us adults during those first few weeks post-partum.

When they have babies I’m going to show up with food, drink, vacuum, cleaning products and put a proper shift in!

They turned up here once, did one load of laundry for me, and then wanted a full meal and a photoshoot with my new baby when I was very ill and one day post c-section.

They should show up for YOU, not just the baby.

Not liking babies is one thing. But I think what’s more disappointing for me is that our siblings have been almost completely useless in helping us adults during those first few weeks post-partum.

when my nephew was born sibling and partner lived 120 miles away so difficult for me to be of help on a day to day basis.

Did they send cards or gifts when the baby was born?

I know a lot of people find babies boring. As long as they do the socially acceptable things like congratulating you and aren’t actually rude, I leave them to it and don’t stress. (Personally I love babies and can’t wait to meet them!)

Once the children are older they may well cultivate more of a relationship with them.

My children were the centre of my world but not for other family members and that’s ok.

I drove eight hours to see both my oldest brother’s new babies, once when I was pregnant myself and again when I had a baby of my own. Never occurred to me to just not go. However, when I had my DC, my brother didn’t bloody shift himself to come for a visit! I mean, fair enough, he had his own, mine were no novelty, but I did think, oh well then, the road must only run one way 🤪 We’re all good now, he’s a top-notch uncle, so they’ll probably come good in the end when your DC are a bit more engaging. I wouldn’t fall out over it, babies probably aren’t on their radar as such.

We had great-aunts and uncles coming from the opposite end of the country to see our first baby, which was touching but struck me as a LOT for them for little reward in terms of having a cuppa, admiring a sleeping face and going home again, and I wouldn’t have expected them to bother at all. It was once a tradition, I guess, to do the pilgrimage and welcome the new generation. My childfree SIL was chronically ill and she came a long way too, she was straight in the ward the morning after I gave birth to DC2!

So it’s probably very individual and there’s no longer a universal sense of urgency. I agree new babies in themselves aren’t interesting company (I mean, I like em but they don’t do a lot) but it’s a major life event so I can see why you’re wondering about their interest levels, particularly if you’re close as siblings. Probably as a PP said they are waiting til they’re a bit older and can do more playing.

This is a drip feed OP esp for the person who is 3,5 hours away!

So you knew before you were pregnant your siblings weren’t baby people, knew throughout your pregnancy they weren’t baby people and still know and accept they’re not baby people, yet you’re now annoyed that they’re not? You’ve known for a long time they don’t like nor want children, you cannot expect them to be interested in your baby. Let it go and have a happy life, no point sat remunerating over it.

I’ll be honest neither my husband and I have any interest in his sibling’s children. Me, because they are only relations by marriage and I’m not particularly close to his family, and my husband because he has zero interest in other children barring his own, despite being close to his siblings. We gave congrats, sent a gift, but we will see them when we see them next. I am very close to my sister and her children are my world and I love them to pieces but I see that differently as they are my blood relations and I am exceedingly close to my sibling. My husband has zero interest.

Absolutely this. DH and I are the youngest in our families, and our DC's are the youngest. By the time they came along no-one was interested and that was fine. But...... I do sometimes have regrets over the fact that they missed out on lots of family does, interest, and even gifts, that their older cousins had. I was a very young Aunt to my nieces and nephews, but always remembered birthday and bought presents. My brothers in particular were crap with my kids, and my youngest was very sad that they always forgot about her.

@TaylorSwiftFan sorry, I also mentioned a bit further down we said we’d meet them at DH parents which is 2 hours from us and 1.5 from them that’s why I didn’t mention that in my OP

This thread has reminded me of my mother's brothers when my brothers and I were little.

One was younger and still living at home - he told us there was a highly poisonous cobra living upstairs in Granddad's house and we should stay downstairs to avoid it. He would be fine upstairs though, don't worry about him.

Another of my mum's brothers was dating my lovely (now) aunt, who took my mother aside to gently request that she keep us away from uncle Phillip because she didn't want him to be so repelled by the reality of small children that he would never propose.

I'm pretty sure nobody was queuing up to spend time with us if I'm honest.

Hmmm my brother and his wife never ask about ours or seem interested but it doesn't bother me theres plenty of others in the family who are lol

I think they should have met your baby by 3 months old, even if they're not baby people.

We've had the opposite where my both of my brother in laws have been a bit weird about family visiting new arrivals. Family is important to me and it used to really upset me. However I've hardened up a lot. I am trying to focus on people where effort is reciprocal.

I think it's really lucky to have an aunt and uncle who are interested in your children, but I'm sure lots aren't. Mine weren't interested in me. It's just a shame really.

I personally don't get it though, I love the kids of the people I love. And I'm interested in them because I'm interested in their parents and their lives.

People with fertility issues can say this.

Tbh I dislike babies and won't hold them. I am blunt about this.

I don't know what you 'do' with them. I'm not interested. I feel it's a performance to look at them and pull faces if you really aren't interested.

It's a baby. Wow. It doesn't do anything. Boring. Now what? Is kind of my reaction.

Even with DS it was a bit 'what do I do with him?' Except it was obvious feed, change, clean and get to sleep.

I just don't get it. I'm sure others will be the same.

The expectation to coo at babies puts me off socialising with adults with babies. And the adults have nothing but baby to talk about. It's easier when they are a bit older and the novelty wears off and parents start to have something other than baby in life.

But no. Babies are dull. And turn adults dull.

It's normal to lose friends with every new relationship or if you have a baby. Your life has changed and moved on and other friendships have run their natural course. Still nice to see those people and doesn't stop you caring - it's just no longer sharing the same priorities or interests in life.

Don't take it personally for this reason.

I think it took us about 4 months to meet SIL's baby. Not super close to her, we'd message now and then and meet maybe 3-4 times a year. There was no slight intended, we just had enough on our plate and there was no reason for us to be super excited. We sent her gifts and asked about the baby, just didn't get around to visit for a while.

I'm am Aunt and sawy niece and nephew hours after they were born and have been a long supportive other adult in their ,19 and 22 years since thoroughly enjoying tie with them It's the Aunt and Uncle losing out butfeel your hurt