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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Close family members disinterested in our baby - unsure if normal or not?

163 replies

Birminghambabe · 05/07/2023 09:36

I’m not really sure how I feel on this one. Myself and DH have a 3 month old and of course to us the centre of our whole world.

I’ve always been a firm believer of just because you’re getting married, having babies etc doesn’t mean everyone else around you is going to be as obsessed as you are because they’ve got their own life going on.
Yet for some reason since our baby has been born part of me is a bit miffed that one of my siblings and one of DH siblings are so disinterested in the fact we’ve had a baby. They never ask how baby is, haven’t met our baby yet (have cancelled plans to do so or said they’re busy).
At the same time I’m saying to myself it’s fine, they’re not baby people, they didn’t ask to be an aunt and uncle etc but when people mention how our siblings are loving auntie and uncle life I say they haven’t met our baby and they follow with “wow, that’s so bad!”

Please let me know what you think about this? Right now I’m not super hurt about it, but as time goes on maybe I am getting a bit bothered

YANBU - They probably should at least ask how baby is, maybe make a bit of effort
YABU - It’s fine that they aren’t interested, they’re just not baby people

OP posts:

Original poster

Birminghambabe · 05/07/2023 16:56

Thank you everyone for your comments. I feel better about it after seeing responses. I guess I did expect them to take more interest as it is a new family member and a close one BUT that is on me and not them.

A few people have commented that they bet it’s infertility, I promise you it isn’t. They are just not baby people, which is absolutely fine. My sister has never wanted to have children and pregnancy creeps her out. My DH brother not only doesn’t want children but also thinks no one should ever reproduce in this world at the moment. I know some people can hide these issues, but really, they are not going through this. Just don’t want kids - which is OK!

OP posts:

Simplelobsterhat · 05/07/2023 17:51

I'm surprised you see them 8- 10 times a year if they live 3 1/2 hours away! That's really frequent for that distance.

Given you see them that often, then not seeing you at all in 3 months is a bit rude, as it's less often than usual so seems like actively avoiding rather than just been busy, too far to visit easily. And 1 hour away is nothing to meet a new niece or nephew. You couldn't keep me away from meeting mine early on!

I was going to ask if you were putting awkward boundaries on it, like making them come to you, very specific times round naps, announcing no one can hold the baby etc, but doesn't sound like it.

However, if they are not interested in kids generally I guess it's nothing personal so try not to let it upset you. Do you have other siblings who are more interested?

BubziOwl · 05/07/2023 18:08

MangshorJhol · 05/07/2023 10:28

I know babies are boring (I have 3 kids one of whom is a baby) but you can’t have a relationship with a niece or a nephew at 16 if you have ignored them your whole life. I don’t find other people’s children endlessly fascinating but I recognise that if I want a relationship with their parents I cant ignore their baby but also that babies don’t stay babies forever.
I don’t always find elderly people to be fascinating company. It doesn’t mean I have an arbitrary age cut off where I stop interacting with family members. The same applies in reverse.

Totally agree. The "babies are boring" line is something I encounter only on mumsnet and not in the real world. Most people tend to be excited for the people they love when big things happen to them, whether or not they find the actual thing that's happened interesting or not.

Personally I also find it odd to decide that a family member is boring purely because of their age 🤷‍♀️

readbooksdrinktea · 05/07/2023 18:25

The "babies are boring" line is something I encounter only on mumsnet and not in the real world.

Probably because people don't want to piss friends and family off by saying it.

MangshorJhol · 05/07/2023 18:26

If you are not close to your sibling and don’t like babies then I get not being uninterested in their welfare as they grow up. You don’t have a relationship with their parents so why would you have one with them.

But imagine you like your sibling. Your sibling gets married. You don’t want to get married and you have had difficult encounters with men. You proceed to totally blank your sibling’s husband. Would that be considered okay?

The baby is not a ‘baby’- it is now part of the OP’s family. For siblings who saw each other 8-10 times a year to pretend that an integral part of the OP’s family simply doesn’t exist is plain weird. It doesn’t matter if you like or dislike babies. As I said, let’s say you don’t like old people and their noisy messy habits. Do you have an age limit when you stop visiting your parents and say ‘I am not losing out on anything’ even if you were close previously? It’s a weird way of thinking.

As I said I have kids. Babies ARE boring in many ways. But babies are humans at a particular stage in their life. Do you randomly hate people in the age 20-30 bracket?!

MangshorJhol · 05/07/2023 18:27

In my above scenario the sibling’s husband is nice, good company. He’s just a man and you don’t believe in marriage. So you pretend for months and months he doesn’t exist.

SoSoSoSo · 05/07/2023 18:38

Try having a conversation with a baby. It's not exactly the most fulfilling of experiences. And children and adults are not the same thing. They just aren't. I doubt that you're friends with many 5 year olds.

I don't think people have to love their sibling's spouse either. I'd expect basic politeness(As I mentioned earlier I'd think it polite to ask how the baby is even if they don't care) but I wouldn't expect them to go out of their way to see them.

MangshorJhol · 05/07/2023 18:39

Basic politeness doesn’t involve ignoring your sibling for 6 months…
Plenty of ways to show care for the sibling without having a conversation with a baby, yes @SoSoSoSo?

WeightoftheWorld · 05/07/2023 18:41

Newphony · 05/07/2023 10:42

I often wonder why people bother to make posts like this because as usual the responses are vile, and the op's are always told they are the unreasonable ones.
The truth is people are more self absorbed and selfish as ever. Of course it is horrible that your family are like this, but sadly it is very very common. The responses on here reflect the tone of modern society, abhorrent and selfish.

Sadly I agree with this. What a sad thread, but not surprising.

My DC have a very engaged, helpful, loving uncle, an unreliable but still maintains regular contact and makes some effort with our kids auntie, and then an uncle and auntie who really couldn't care less. This auntie hasn't even met my youngest yet and he's 20 months old! They're expecting now themselves so that will be interesting...

SoSoSoSo · 05/07/2023 18:43

Hence why, and I have said it twice now, this makes a third, I said basic politeness would involve asking how the baby was, not because it's a baby but because it's a big life event. I'd ask about a new business too or whatever was new and important to them, whether or not I was really interested. But I still wouldn't expect to make a point of seeing their new baby/house/business etc it I didn't live locally.

LT2 · 05/07/2023 18:46

I voted YANBU
Very surprised how the voting is leaning the other way at current!
I was the last to have a baby in my family, and we were the first on husband's side. Both sides saw the baby when he was either days or weeks old (end of covid so it was delayed by weeks for a fee because they had symptoms and didn't want the baby to catch anything.. fair enough and I appreciated that!)
I saw all of my nephews and Nieces when they were just born in hospital. It is weird to me that there are siblings that don't do this (local of course.. different if they are further away).

AngelinaFibres · 05/07/2023 19:02

Neither of my brothers were remotely interested when I had my 2 sons 29 and 30 years ago. One brother became more interested when they were 7 and above. He taught them things that interested him ( walking in the lakes,fishing etc). The other brother has never been interested in them. Neither brother has had children of their own. Now one of my children has started having children my brothers are technically great uncles. I doubt my one brother even remembers his great nephews name. The other one will be interested when the child reaches 7.

Florissante · 05/07/2023 19:02

Birminghambabe · 05/07/2023 11:00

Thank you for all responses! Reading those of aunts who are honest and say they find no interest in the babies has made me realise it’s okay and totally normal, so I’m not going to give it any more headspace really.

That's a healthy attitude.

MangshorJhol · 05/07/2023 19:07

It’s a healthy attitude if you didn’t have or don’t want to have a good relationship with your sibling. If all someone with a new baby who is also physically exhausted can expect from close family (who met up regularly before) is ‘polite enquiries’…then I have no words.

Most of us are smart enough to work out that in the early days meeting OP (or the new mum) involves the baby. Otherwise in this scheme you have a baby and your nearest family whom you were previously close to abandon you except for ‘polite enquiries’ and pat themselves on their back for being guilt free for this.

SoSoSoSo · 05/07/2023 19:19

Yet you're not smart enough though to work out that the only people who had any say in the baby are the parents and that others are not obliged to become constantly doting Aunts or Uncles just because they decided to conceive . The parents' world might revolve around the baby. That doesn't mean that siblings have to feel the same way.

Anyway the OP seems to have a well balanced and understanding attitude about it.

MangshorJhol · 05/07/2023 19:23

@SoSoSoSo you don’t have to ‘dote’ on the baby to offer care and companionship to the parent yes?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/07/2023 19:25

Its shit OP.

Yes they didnt ask to be aunts and uncles. They might not like babies. I was the same when my sibling had a baby.

But because I love my sibling, I was interested in how they were, how they were adapting to this massive life event, and showed an interest in the baby as I wanted to support them.

I think completely ignoring something so huge like a new person in your siblings family, is really shitty and on the face of it looks like they're not that interested in a close relationship with you

SoSoSoSo · 05/07/2023 19:29

There's no point in @ me. I have that annoying feature turned off.

What exactly does offering care and companionship entail in your eyes? I'm getting the impression that nothing short of acting as though the next Messiah has arrived would be enough for some posters(Decidedly not the OP who sounds lovely)

I'm sure that they'll meet the baby at some point. It's only been 3 months which is nothing and they aren't exactly next door.

MangshorJhol · 05/07/2023 19:31

I was 16 when my sibling had a baby. I wasn’t that interested in the baby till she was older but even as a selfish teenager I could offer some basic care to my sister (making her cups of tea as she breastfed endlessly was my top contribution) and in return she listened to me going on about which boy said what and tried to stay awake. That’s how families that are close are. I wasn’t doting on the baby or changing nappies or any of that…I was pretty grossed out by it all. But she was still my sister whom I had a good relationship with.

TrixieFatell · 05/07/2023 19:32

I guess it depends on your family reading the replies. I am close to my sister, she is my only family, and when my nephew was born it was a really happy time. When I had my children we had a run of family and friends coming over to visit and they all still see them often. I understand babies aren't everyone's cup of tea but I'd find the fact that your baby is 3 months old and they still haven't met them is really rude and I'd be upset.

Lacucuracha · 05/07/2023 19:34

SoSoSoSo · 05/07/2023 19:29

There's no point in @ me. I have that annoying feature turned off.

I'm sure that they'll meet the baby at some point. It's only been 3 months which is nothing and they aren't exactly next door.

People @ posters because it's quicker to do it rather than write out someone's name, they're not meaning to send you emails.

ironorchids · 05/07/2023 19:35

I agree it's unusual for them to not ask how the baby is or how you are coping.

Maybe they haven't visited because they worry they'll be intruding and you want space? Or to wait for the baby's immune system to be stronger. Are they usually very disinterested in your lives?

I think it's normal for siblings to take an interest when a baby is born, even if you don't keep in that close contact. I would only expect complete disinterest if there was some kind of rift.

Doesn't matter if they're baby people or not, they're people people, they can understand the basics of human society and interactions enough to realise that it really matters a lot to people when they have a baby. Taking interest is just minimally polite and showing you care.

SoSoSoSo · 05/07/2023 19:40

People @ posters because it's quicker to do it rather than write out someone's name, they're not meaning to send you emails.

I know why they do it thanks, but the email thing is why I turn it off. I use the @ to bring up names too but then I remove the @.

Playyourpart · 05/07/2023 19:44

Other people’s babies just aren’t very interesting. I’m very close to my sister. I could take or leave her DD (my niece) though. I’m just not very engaged with her.

My own DC are amazing. I adore them. Nieces and nephews don’t feature much in my mind though. I’m nice when they’re around, but don’t ever think I’d like to see them.

SoSoSoSo · 05/07/2023 19:46

That's nice MangshorJhol but that's paying attention to your Sister, not the baby, yet it seemed to be ignoring the actual baby that you and others seem troubled by. So what exactly do you expect the OP's siblings or anyone else's siblings to do for/with the baby?

Also how do you recreate what you described when one of you lives 3 1/2 hours away?

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