am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

[mum22mu]

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

I do sympathise - I had severe anxiety with DD1 being out of sight when she was younger. It is a natural biological thing I think. It diminishes as they get older. I wouldn't worry about people kissing her though- she needs to be exposed to everyday germs to grow up robust and healthy.

She doesn’t because they follow her rules and don’t take her daughter away or kiss her.

you simply can’t continue to have that level of control and anxiety over your child because they will grow up. They will pick things up and eat things off the floor. They will want to go off in soft play, around other people house and eventually (and mine is 14 so this is where I am) on buses to go shopping, to go to concerts and DoE expeditions. You can’t hold them back.

the hardest thing in parenting is letting them go and it starts now

I think they sound like shit parents

I think the OP sounds unwell but it doesn’t matter what either of us think.

Her baby is only 6 months old she has to let go now. Some parents are still breast feeding at 6 months.

Of course, it MUST be the parents fault. Can't possibly be the OP's responsibility. I am not a doctor, but I don't think anxiety is caused by anything in particular.

Can be genetic, can be learnt, can happen after a traumatic event like the pandemic.. Whatever the cause, I do think that it is the responsibility of an anxious person to help themselves. Expecting the world to change for you is not going to work. For instance, I am scared of the steep escalators on the Tube. Does anyone care? No. Can I get around without it? No. So I go very slow, holding on to the rail, and leave extra time for my journeys. I can assure you my lovely parents aren't responsible!

How does the OP plan to go back to work, for instance?

Maybe she isn’t going back?! Some parents don’t go back you might he surprised to learn.

Well done for finding a workaround that helps you. (That is what OP is doing.)

If your parents took your hand off the handrail and told you to hurry it up because they're sick of pandering to you, I daresay you'd have some thoughts.

It's not hard to see how you've ended up an adult with anxiety with parents like those

I mean, parents that successfully brought up at least one child to adulthood?

@mum22mu you're not wrong to think they could just do as you ask - I don't think I'd be arsed about anything you are, but I know my mum (at least) would have just humoured me anyway. But this level of anxiety isn't normal, either, and getting upset because you can't see your baby when you know she is with your mum is not normal.

I couldn't agree more with this. In a few weeks I am off on holiday with dp and my youngest boys 17 and 15, I am an absolute nervous wreck with heights and I have booked for the 3 of them to go on a cable car up a mountain. Have I booked it for me? Hell no I would absolutely ruin their day if I went, I have instead booked an excursion on my own for that day. It is not their responsibility to keep my anxiety in check.

You really do have to seek more help for your anxiety. You need to spend less time with your parents as you can't cope with them. Yes you have tried explaining how it effects you if you can't see your baby and they are not grasping it but let's be honest yes they are being unhelpful but they are not running away with her. You need to sort this as your little one will pick up on the anxiety and will end up anxious if they can't see you. One day they will have to go to daycare or school. Please go back to your G.P and ask for the help you need.

The comparison there is:

There's something you find anxiety inducing (heights), so you don't do it.

There's something OP finds anxiety inducing (separation from baby), so she doesn't do it.

No "keeping in check" involved.

Well yes, I also grew up with parents who "successfully raised me to adulthood" but due to a lifetime of being told I was "diffoxult" "too much" etc over very simple boundaries and preferences I was also a young adult with an eating disorder and anxiety. It took years of therapy and having my own children to realise a lot of the way they treated me wasn't right. Parents should provide emotional support and security, a lot of people with anxiety can trace that back to the denial of this to them by their parents while they were young.

@GCalltheway She says she is on maternity leave, that's why I mentioned it.

I don't think the workarounds OP has found are great, tbh, because you can't control what people will do with your DC or what your DC will do when unleashed onto the world.

YABU but not by being anxious, rather by apologising to your parents when THEY are ignoring your clearly expressed needs. You are setting boundaries by telling them what you want eg don't wander off. Now you need to enforce those boundaries and say 'I'm sorry I can no longer trust you to hold my DC' if you can't listen to what I'm asking you to do. I appreciate you might find my requests over the top but it's what I need at the moment to be comfortable. Until you can respect that I can't trust you.' Be confident in challenging them - they are in the wrong here and you know it. Back yourself.

The obvious answer is stop spending time with them or leaving your child alone with them as it’s putting you all in a difficult situation. I don’t agree with everything you have said but ultimately your parents should respect your wishes and your parenting technique. By constantly going to the shops with them or visiting their house, you’re just presenting more opportunities for these scenarios to reoccur.

This is not making the point you think. You are anxious about something therefore you have put plans in place to avoid being in a situation where you are threatened by or have to confront the thing that scares you. This is what OP is doing by finding ways to reduce the perceived threat she feels, i.e. asking her mum to stay in sight with the baby. The equivalent of what you suggest OP does to 'get on with it' would be if your DP agreed in advance you could go on the other excursion, then dragged you onto the cable car unexpectedly. You clearly don't understand anxiety.

Separation? They were in the same building ffs.

You think they are blameless and would much rather blame genetics or some other theory and not the parents. I have 3 daughters and when my children have their families I will not impose my beliefs or the way that I do things on to my grandchild or daughter. I didn't carry them for 9 months.

One of my daughter's had issues and we dealt with it as a family we took her away from the situation. My children are my responsibility and how they leave home is a reflection on how well I have brought them up and supported them.

I feel sad you for you op, so many hostile responses and weird assumptions. I hope you have been able to sift through and find the helpful posts.

I agree there are some weird assumptions on this thread, like the assumption that Ops parents are terrible people.

Nothing sets off my anxiety more than someone who is clearly going to trample over my boundaries and undermine my every decision.

They need to develop some respect and let you recover in your own time.

And? They were apart, and OP couldn't see her. Thus they were separate.

But feel free to choose a different word if you like. The point stands.

Ffs.

As an adult, I prefer not to blame my parents for everything that goes on in my life. I hope I have passed that on to my DC. At some point, they need to take control.

I think it’s your anxiety that’s causing the issue, not them, I’m sorry OP. Their behaviour is reasonable. That doesn’t mean your feeling aren’t real though.

While you address it in therapy, is there an easier way of spending time with them that would minimise the stress for you?