am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

[mum22mu]

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

I'd use my phone to send a WhatsApp or text. Hey, you got baby or has she done a bunk? Response. " I got her". No drama.

This is relevant.
My child has anxiety and we were advised how to deal with by camhs by not going along with the controls and rituals as it just increases it.

My child thinks we are awful when we do this but if we don't their world will just get smaller and smaller.

Your anxiety sounds out of control and you risk ruining many relationships by behaving the way you do - most importantly, the relationship with your daughter. Get some professional help instead of expecting others to accommodate your anxiety!

Yeah of course - some contact, some agreement.

But at the same time, if I'd said "please don't walk off with her" and then was told "oh yeah I just walked off with her for a minute" I wouldn't be pleased. It's not about anxiety (well, that bit isn't).

OP, you need to go back to your GP and see if there's any other treatment options, you cannot go on like this. Your dd deserves to form relationships and have certain freedoms that she just won't because her mother needs to control her entire environment due to her anxiety. You care so much for her, that is evident, do not make her world smaller.
Pp's are right, your friends probably go along with what you ask because they don't feel comfortable telling you that it's strange behaviour asking them not to go out of your sight while holding your baby. I would naturally want to wander off to point things out to baby, bounce her about etc.
She is very lucky to have you. I wouldn't have even thought to ask if a lawn had chemicals sprayed on it 😬

Would also be no drama if gm simply stayed in sight? Unless you’re in a small shop, there is usually a place to stand out of the way to wait for someone.

OP has already said that she doesn’t feel this anxiety around her friends or with people at the baby class she goes to, just her parents.

I find it strange that so many people on here are implying they'd be fine with looking around and suddenly their six month old baby who was next to them is suddenly not there any more!

Huge difference between this and the baby gone off with their granny! Huge!! Imo it is an extreme anxiety to need baby to be within eye shot when they are being held by a family member / friend!

You need to address these specific instances in therapy. eg Your therapist needs to push you to imagine what could realistically happen when your mum goes out of sight with the baby. And help you generate more rational responses. Otherwise you will not improve.

I think your parents probably care deep down but are irritated at how they cannot relax with their grandchild. In an ideal world they would show more patience but it sounds like they have had enough.

OP has already said that she doesn’t feel this anxiety around her friends

Because the friends pander to her controls!

Because her friends put up with it because they don't babysit for long periods? I put up with a lot of stuff in my friends that I don't put up with in my partner or parents.

The thing is there are so many mums complaining their parents won't ever babysit and they never get time off. I may be a GP in the next 10 years and I will babysit on my own terms. I won't follow a laundry list of instructions and anxieties. I will do my best to stick to nap timings and food schedules, but babies are unpredictable. Take it or leave it.

Or they have respected her boundaries enough that they have proven that they can be trusted so she feels more relaxed with them.

Regardless if someone is a family member or friend, if they continue to disrespect your boundaries, you’re not going to trust them therefore you’re not going to be relaxed around them and it leads to feelings like OP.

Wasn’t the garden issue that the mother put plant food in a watering can. Which is totally benign and this was explained to the OP. Strange it’s a new version going on a list of equally benign events. The bottom line is restrictions are being placed on a child where there is very very little risk and this will limit development.

There is an intersection between anxiety and controlling behaviours……

Yes but when Granny has already shown an attitude that smacks of "I'll do anything I want with your baby, your wishes be damned," then I can understand the OP's worry in that situation. It's not extreme to want to have your eyes on your six month old baby, or if you can't, have them with someone you trust. OP doesn't trust her mum.

It is deliberate though, isn't it? The one thing you ask for. "Please stay in sight or leave the baby with me" and she wandered off without telling you. Does she think it's going to "cure" your anxiety or does she just happier when she's doing whatever she wants?

Maybe what you're asking sounds unreasonable to them, but why would anyone want to spend time with people who show so little consideration of your feelings? It's telling that your parents are the only ones who make you feel like that.

I guess GP can also set their own boundaries then. I definitely will be.

They do have understanding, as do you. You understand a lot of your fears are unreasonable. Does that stop you panicking? No.
Likewise your parents understand you have a problem and they're trying to be patient but what you're effectively saying is I have a problem and I'd like to make it yours too.
Your panic is your emotional reaction to a perceived threat response. Their reaction ('just pull yourself together) is theirs. Why are you expecting them to do something you're not doing?
BTW you say 'I wouldn't say it's out of control'....really? You're in therapy and it's negatively affecting your personal relationships. Your daughter will soon pick up on this. It's not necessarily your fault, but it is because of you....and it's your responsibility.

but why would anyone want to spend time with people who show so little consideration of your feelings?

I am wondering the same tbh, I mean how long are the Grandparents going to have to put up with their feelings never being took into consideration?

The GP have two daughters with anxiety, and are likely sick and tired of it all. I say this because I have a family member with anxiety, and I am sick of it too.

And that’s your choice while I will do the opposite and respect their decision because it’s not my baby or child. I was a childcare provider for over a decade so have more than enough experience of getting interesting requests and followed them unless it was unsafe (never had a request like that).

My parents and in-laws have watched our children and have asked xyz not just done what they wanted simply because they had had children themselves. Yes, there was some eye-rolling (more my mum due to me bf) but they still accepted it.

I was horrendously super careful with my baby and never left her with anyone and was with her 247. I have zero anxiety disorders! This is not unusual.

It sounds like your anxiety has a level of lack of trust with your parents - and they are creating that lack of trust by continually going against what you ask of them - ie keep your daughter in sight. I would think that if they are able to do small basic things that you can see then the larger things - like you being able to go to the loo and leave would follow - because you trust them.

I guess this situation has more manifested itself because of your daughter - but for me it would signal dynamics that have been going on for a long time. That your parents don’t actually listen or respect your views and what they say goes - and that has probably happened for a long long time. But the lack of trust in them is playing out more as you are determined to keep your daughter safe and you still feel that as an adult you aren’t being listened too.

I don’t know whether some kind of family counselling would be appropriate - your parents need to realise that for your anxiety to become more under control around them that you need to be able to trust them to do as you ask - however frustrating they find it to start with. And if they are able to stick to it, listen and work with you then you would be able to relax more. But that obviously depends on the willingness of all parties to be involved in partaking with this.

If your parents keep undermining you the relationship with them will only deteriorate further - anxiety or no anxiety.

I 100% agree with what you're saying here.

For me the constant checking/allowing me to check etc doesn't help me deal. But the other thing that doesn't help me deal at all is when people try to make a joke of it by telling me the bad thing I fear has/will happen. I've had this lots of times when my parent/partner will say "yes the gas is on and we'll just come back to a burnt out shell" or "the door's wide open and local burglars are queuing up" trying to help by making light of it. It just absolutely terrifies me and then I feel I HAVE to check and get much worse than I was before.

What does work for me is someone just telling me calmly that it's ok. E.g. in the OP's case "the baby isn't going to come to any harm, I did the lawn days ago". Or "we were just over there, she's fine".

While I came on to tell the OP she is being unreasonable, actually I can see why her parents are making her anxiety worse by not being reassuring, somehow you need to communicate to them that you don't really want to control their every move (even if your anxiety wants to) - but they can help by not joking about how worried you are, it's a genuine kind of distress.

I actually feel for you OP as it's the sort of thing my parents would do too, I'm pregnant and can picture them doing risky stuff (genuinely risky stuff like feeding a baby things that are totally unsuitable, not watching them etc) and laughing at my worries. But in your case you really do know full well that the risks are vanishingly small when your mum pops along to look at shelves with your baby, for example. You may feel comfortable with your friends because they'll follow your injunctions to the letter but in the long term, only feeling comfortable when people do exactly what you tell them isn't a solution. So I agree with other posters that you aren't controlling this and need extra help (I'd speak to your doctor and therapist about OCD) - and I think a calm and kind chat with your parents where you explain that it's not about them and you understand they're more than capable, but you could do with some reassurance not anger, would also be in order.

What do you think the parents done to them as both their daughter's have anxiety that takes some going.

I think if you're out together it would be difficult to 'wander off' without anyone noticing. If mum was in the queue and gran and baby were looking at something close by then yes, I think it's quite reasonable to say walk to the next aisle if something catches your eye. If mum didn't want that she should have said leave baby with me. If mum was relaxed enough to leave her with gran and take her eyes of them I'd take that as baby's in my care atm.
I wouldn't go to another shop or eg go into the changing rooms for 15mins but I'd wander off, yes to return/meet by checkout or door in 5 or 10 mins.

Well most people seem to have anxiety now so probably nothing.