am I out of order? Do I expect too much?

[mum22mu]

I am on maternity leave with my DD 6 months. I have anxiety in general and as my DH works long hours I am alone with her the majority of the time. I have taken steps to address this anxiety and I have therapy which helps. My parents are aware of it. I wouldn’t say it’s out of control, it’s more ruminating and intrusive thoughts and I was doing ok with it. The reason for the therapy was more to ensure I didn’t get worse rather than it being a massive problem.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere. I’ve asked them not to do this and they then agree and say they won’t, then other times they get quite nasty, saying they’re sick of being told what to do and I’m ridiculous etc etc. I get worried about DD being in their garden as they use chemicals on the lawn, I recently said I would rather we went for a walk than sat outside as I didn’t want to risk DD coming into contact with the lawn, to which my dad said to my mum ‘I should have lied and said nothing was on the lawn.’ Obviously this sort of thing really panics me as then I feel I can’t trust them and it becomes a vicious circle. I am an anxious person generally and I do my best to work on this but where DD is concerned I often can’t control it and have to ask them if they will do x or y or not do x or y (I don’t ever leave her with them alone so it’s only if we are meeting). If I don’t feel they are taking it seriously I will ask again as I feel panicked. AIBU to ask for a bit more understanding from them rather than then losing their cool? I’m honestly doing my best and I feel I would reassure someone in my position but maybe the reality is different?

🤣🤣🤣🤣 They were still in the same shop!!!!!

Only on MN would parents be advised to go no contact because grandma took their baby for a little walk while mum was shopping. People have phones nowadays. Or kissed her head.

Expecting the entire world to change for you is not a good idea. No one will. In nursery, they will be swapping spit with the whole class and eating stuff they find on the toilet floor.

I don't fuck with her confidence or self esteem. I understand there are awful parents out there and I'm sorry if that was your experience.

What I have observed and heard. Most mother's with a first born are precious all you need to do is read the threads on here. The op is 22 with her first baby of course she is precious as are most parents. She is young with little life experiences. How I felt in my 20's I think differently now in my 30's.

Oh the naivety!

Just because op is ‘alive and well’ does not mean in any way her parents were good by any standard!

The bar is so low on this thread.

I also think that your anxiety is a more serious problem than you were initially thinking OP. If possible, go and speak to a GP or a consultant to see if they can suggest other treatment options. It is really great that you’re having therapy and are working to combat it. CBT is great but sometimes for different conditions there may be other methods which work better so maybe discuss this too.

Your parents shouldn’t be getting so obviously frustrated with you, because you can’t help it. They do need to work with you and be willing to talk about this. However, as pp have said, if they go along with all your rules especially when they are irrational it will only make your mental health worse. Maybe have a think about the boundaries that they push that are completely normal and don’t involve DD and work with them on those first. These won’t affect their time with gc so they might not push back as much and building some trust might really help.

I also think it might be worth you limiting the amount of time that you’re spending with them and the baby together. If you can manage them spending time with your DD without you, it might help you feel less anxious and they will be able to build a bond without being frustrated.

She hasn't said GP are bad; they just won't respect her wish to never have her baby out of sight. OP says her parents are draining, but doesn't consider she might be?

Erm 4 kids 3 are toddlers and never once have I felt the need to be controlling. I think you need more than a therapist and I can understand your parents from frustration getting cross tbh it's not normal

This! 😂So bloody true!

Hi OP. I also have a 6 month DD and a husband away a lot, and I also have intrusive thoughts and anxiety that something bad will happen.

I completely understand what you’re going through.

However, you need to remember to detach the intrusive thoughts from the real risks.

It was a few months ago that I realised I am the only true advocate for my daughter, and even well meaning, close family members just cannot look after her to my standard. Nobody else is vigilant about things like weed killer, sun exposure, strange dogs, screen time, foul language, second-hand smoke, exhausts, aerosols, non-organic food etc etc etc the list goes on and on. As the mother, I am hyper-vigilant, and no one else comes close.

You're doing a great job, but yes, only YOU will love and care for your baby properly. Put simply: no one else is capable.

Well done, you sound like an absolutely fantastic mother!

I have not read all your comments but think

1. Not unreasonable to not want DD not to sit on lawn with chemicals.
2. YABU to not want your own parents to go out of eye sight in a supermarket.

These are the only two things I read as have not had time to go through all posts.

I was a very worried FTM, I had anxiety and received treatment via NHS. I have now made a full recovery, but remember vividly how worried I was.

OP just as a little thing that you can hopefully feel more relaxed on - it's okay for baby to be kissed on the head! Please dont worry about that, it's the face and mouth that shouldn't be kissed.
And I can totally relate to a lot of your anxieties and know what it feels like when family lose their patience and say you're being ridiculous etc.
As much as I knew a lot of my anxieties were most likely unnecessary, you can't just switch them off (which is why you're in therapy in the first place! To help you be able to manage it better!) and your parents don't seem to understand that. This is true for a lot of people who have never experienced debilitating anxiety themselves and have no empathy. They haven't experienced it so they just ignorantly get frustrated and angry with you. Rather than respecting your wishes until you're able to manage your anxiety with therapy IN TIME.

Until then I don't understand the issue with them respecting your boundaries, and concur with those who have said if they continue to ignore the requests, be straight to the point and say
'OK, I see you've ignored my clear requests so we're going home now. Goodbye!'
And any complaints back you say
'I'm sorry you feel that way, but you know the boundaries. Goodbye!'
And STICK TO IT. Once they see you will not budge they will have no choice - not if they want to see the baby.

Are you serious. The OP is not well, she's not rational and quite frankly you don't sounds like you are either.

While the supermarket thing does sound a bit unreasonable, the fact that your sister also has anxiety problems, and that you feel significantly more anxious around your parents does seem to point to your parents being quite a problem here. If feelings are constantly invalidated, I think it leaves us either escalating the feelings or just slightly shutting down
Are you having proper therapy, or just cbt? I imagine proper psychotherapy might be beneficial for you.
It's very difficult to come to terms with our parents not being the people we needed them to be.

WTF you sound pleasant.

Christ on a bike. Exhausts? Foul language?Non organic?
A wind up surely?

It's hard to trust people who insist on proving they can't be trusted.

I think personally if you want to be treated like an adult, behave like one.

But then I think so many on MN have very high levels of anxiety, which they see as normal. And then other posters telling them that this is normal and that all new mums are this way. No, we are not.

I haven't RTFT but I think trust is earned, regardless of your anxieties or not. My mum asked for our rules, followed them to the letter, and as such is now left alone with my son all the time. My PILs are more headstrong about being able to do what they like, haven't always followed instructions (please make sure DS wears suncream and a sunhat in the sun, nothing too unreasonable) so we have less trust in them and they have significantly less alone time with him.

'Stay in sight within the supermarket' may seem like a batshit request to some, but it's not hard to follow is it, and then eventually you may not be requested to stay within sight, because the person whose baby you're looking after feels comfortable with you enough to let you wander off.

OP, YANBU.

@Foodfann I think your post was lovely and caring some people when they are behind a screen likes to show their ugly side.

However, when I see my parents I often panic with them around DD as they will walk off with her if we are in a supermarket for example or just generally out somewhere.

I think your anxiety level is too high, but she is your dd so you are entitled to parent how you wish. You could control access by keeping dd strapped in her pushchair unless you can carry her or put her in the supermarket trolley and you push the trolley only.

Who arranges these outings/visits with your parents, you or them?

No she doesn't. She sounds like a someone who wasn't willing to be dictated to when she was nice enough to be offering childcare. I would have done exactly the same. Someone comes at me with a list of rules when I'm giving my time and doing them a favour? I won't be doing it again unless the list goes. A person with anxiety does not get to dictate the wider world around them. They need to deal with the anxiety.

So? OP asked her mother to stay with her and why and her mother just walks off with her baby anyway.

It really isn’t difficult or a hardship to stand in sight of your daughter while holding her child knowing your daughter gets anxious and worried.

I wouldn’t have an issue with what OP has asked her parents because she’s the parent and I’m not and neither do her friends who she is more comfortable around because they do listen and respect her decisions about her own baby.

Her parents automatically disregard her and it reads like they had form for this before she had a baby.

Yeah but OP didn't know that did she?

I find it strange that so many people on here are implying they'd be fine with looking around and suddenly their six month old baby who was next to them is suddenly not there any more!

Yeah of course you can put two and two together and realise she's probably with her GM and fine, but you'd still be worried until you saw her again. Unless of course GM had said "shall I just go over here" etc which is the actual normal thing to do, not just randomly walk off.

You sound unruly and rude why would anyone ask you to look after another human being you might wipe them out.