To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

What about a pension? Your contributions will be pittance.

I hope you realise how vulnerable you are.

We're not married because we're not living in Victorian times. We have a joint account that I contribute to every month. The house and mortgage are my partner's.

Regardless of the PT/FT issue, I'd be worried that, just like Victorian times, he could chuck you out of his house any time and you will be left with nothing. You have no security, no home of your own, I bet no pension of your own and no access to his pension if he dies, unless you are named. Why is your partner paying nothing towards his children?

Well, thank you for telling us something we didn't know. (That was ironic).

Read the whole thread and the excellent advice here, Jk987, and think again.

Op what is your plan when you no longer receive child benefit
I assume that you will need to make up the lost money

This.

Never mind what he wants, YOU should be wanting to work full time so you actually have an income and pension for the future. Otherwise you are seriously screwed.

Interested to know if the "Victorian times" comment about marriage came from him originally?

Well said. Will your partner start lifting a finger around the house?

Your focus should be on raising men who don’t expect a woman to do all the housework and all the child rearing.
Your focus should be on raising men who respect their partner’s contribution to the household.

Women like you raise men like OP’s husband.

No WAY will any man pick up the slack and pull his weight more if SHE goes full time

Any decent partner would. Don't most partners have those discussions about how chores and money earning are shared and what changes when the situation changes? We certainly did and adjust as needed.

the progression the OP finds herself in may well end up with her being homeless and her children, not being "taken away", but living full time with their father in his wholly owned by him house, while she sofa surfs and tries to explain in interview after interview the 14 year gap in her CV.

Is a male/female civil partnership available now? does that confer the same rights as marriage?

Of course it bloody is. She needs to work full time, not because of what he’s saying, but because she needs to secure her own future rather than crossing her fingers that he won’t ever kick her out.

Women like you raise men like OP’s husband.

bollocks they do. (aside: OP doesn't have a husband). That is a very Victorian attitude.

OP, I guess you are overwhelmed and have left the thread. If you do come back, at least take a look at the CAB advice linked by another poster upthread.

I think the only two choices you have are to get married or work full time, because your DH appears to be getting resentful or even preparing to leave, if you don't even share bank acccounts. I hope I am wrong.

This is possibly the most nieve thing I have ever read on Mumsnet. If you're not worried about being homeless should you separate, and renting somewhere/saving up for a house purchase from scratch in your later years, crack on. But to try and make out that those who understand the legal and financial benefits of marriage have Victorian attitudes, displays a deep misunderstanding of those benefits. Do you have a secret property that you're renting out? Have you won the lottery? If not, get yourself married so that you're not destitute if you split up. At the very least you're going to need a full time job....

Well that’s fine, but then don’t start moaning when you realise you have absolutely nothing because you gave up your own financial security to raise children and your partner no longer wants to support you.

You are being incredibly naive to live in someone else's house and do all their housework and mind their children when they could kick you out tomorrow.

You say you are not Victorian but you are doing all the housework and cooking for a household of men. Your sons are old enough to do their fair share of the housework (taking into account the long hours they spend at school and studying, of course).

I don't personally subscribe to the idea of people should work fulltime when their children start secondary school because that is the age when our kids can get into serious problems and you have to spend an inordinate amount of time with them to be there when they are willing to open up.

However in your fragile situation, OP, I think you should get a fulltime job.

@G5000 but he doesnt appear to be a decent partner as he,s never put Op on the deeds to his house. after a minimum of 16 yrs together. Maybe if he'd shown willing she might be more willing to up her hours for him.

I was going to say same. She’s entirely reliant on his benevolence.

Yes opposite sex can register their partnerships and it confers same benefits as marriage. Costs same as a marriage £175 ish inc all fees and certificates last time I checked my council website. It’s more popular with older demographic, anecdotally it’s done at same time as wills, power of attorney probably with one eye on iht or making life easier for surviving partner paperwork wise.

Unfortunately, this.

I hate having to work; I'm 60 and have been earning since age 15. But at least i have a paid-for house, large savings and decent pension to show for it. Sympathy to OP but she really needs to wake up.

The years between 40 and 60 absolutely FLY by, and unfortunately we aging women get less and less attention from prospective employers.

Can we stop acting like women are little helpless creatures? OP gave up full time work because she wanted to, not because she HAD to. She wasn't held hostage by some evil man with a greater plan.
Women need to start taking accountability for their own decisions and their own lives.

No one has to 'respect' someone with basically 2 teenagers only working 16 hours a week. It is by no means necessary for someone to be home most of the week with children that age. If someone wants to do it and it works for the whole family, DH/DP included, then that is there decision but is isn't some noble thing to work only a minimum amount of time with 2 teenagers particularly when OP has said she just doesn't want to work another job, not that there is anything stopping her.

OP, you need to protect yourself financially. Leaving aside the question of marriage, why aren't you on the mortgage?

I'd go full time and don't tell him how much you earn exactly and build an escape fund. This is not looking good. He's selfish and I think you should be worried for your own position.

I think there are a few issues here rather than you just going back full time.

You can obviously stay part time or a few hours a week while it is working for everyone and you can only work part time while a partner values your role at home. Once they stop doing this, they will resent you.

Am I right in assuming that it was your partners house first and you moved in. As others have said, which I'm sure you are more than aware of, you are quite vulnerable without being married or owning the house.

Have you ever had a conversation about you going on the house ? How did that conversation pan out?

Write a list of all jobs that need doing, and I mean everything and then sit with your partner and divy them up how you would if you worked full time.

If you love the job you are in, could you apply for more hours in your current role maybe ?

@Lazym I feel terribly worried for you. Please take some control back in your life and ensure that you're not shafted in the future. Previous posters have given very good advice. Wish you well.

You're getting a bit of a hard time (wondering if some of the more virulent posters are of the male species or just bloody minded handmaiden wannabes). I'd lay any money that you manage the home and kids and your partner doesn't lift a finger.

I'm happy to disabused of that preconception.