To not work full time?

[Lazym]

I have two children 16 and 12. Since my oldest turned 7 months I have worked part time. I cleaned in the evening for 8 years and for last 7 1/2 years I've worked in a supermarket 4 mornings a week, 4 - 8. Obviously when kids were younger this worked out well as I was back home for the school run and partner went to work. My youngest started secondary in September, so now childcare costs aren't an issue I've had comments from partner about finding a full time job. My point is I enjoy my job and am good at it so why should I leave this job to potentially start a job I could hate? The job I have doesn't have full time hours. I contribute to the household financially, pay for two weeks of food shopping every month and pretty much pay for all of the kids needs/clothes. One example, just spent £200 on my lad for his prom, partner paid nothing. So I work and do the usual household chores cook, clean, washing etc. Partner is very money obsessed, but I feel I pay my way too. From when they were very young he's always swanned off and done his own thing, leaving me to it. Another issue with working full time is my lad will be starting college in sept and he'll need a lift to the train station which is 6 miles away and collecting, so how am I supposed to do that? Just needed an opinion. Can never reason with partner as he's never wrong.

I know people are piling on but please do look at CAB link and get a more clued up.
Even if everything rosy now (and it doesn’t sound rosy) it doesn’t mean he won’t leave or die.
If you split his only obligation is to the children.

Well, yeah, but this thread is not about that.. It's about a man trying to force his partner into going full time... The WOMAN (married or not,) will STILL do more in the house/life admin etc, if she goes from part time to full time. No WAY will any man pick up the slack and pull his weight more if SHE goes full time. We are on about a man trying to force his partner to go full time here. This thread isn't/wasn't about the ins and outs of being married or not.

Mine too. DH is at least as productive as me around the house. He does more cooking than me, more cleaning of bathrooms and kitchen than me and a lot more than me in DIY terms.

Having kids and not being married is a risk I cannot understand why people take.

Being unmarried, not being on the mortgage and only working part time is a bonkers level risk!

You need to go on that mortgage and you need to work full time to protect your own interests.

I DO agree though, that the OP is in a very vulnerable position, especially as her partner won't put her name on the mortgage, and they have children together. But this thread was not about that.

Missing the point but where do you live that 16 hours a week in a supermarket is enough to pay 30% of bills, half food shopping and all of the kids expenses?!

Jealous af

This. You have no stability OP, I'd be addressing that before even considering the work situation.

Everything. You've got leverage and she doesn't.

I would agree with this. The only reason I voted 'YABU' is because working full time is the only way OP is going to gain some financial security/independence.

That her partner wants her to work full time is neither here nor there, for me.

We're not married because we're not living in Victorian times unbelievable! I’m sorry OP but this is a really stupid comment, cutting your nose off to spite your face comes to mind.

You didn’t want any security before having children, because apparently being foolish makes women strong and modern(?), and that’s what you’ve got, nothing. So I don’t understand why you’re now complaining? Apparently you seem to be banking on him supporting you through to old age and have no concerns about building your own financial security, despite him being able to kick you out with nothing, whenever he fancies it? It’s interesting that despite being this modern woman though and massively disadvantaging yourself whilst he feathers his own nest, you’ve accepted doing all the childcare and housework.
#GirlPower

Is your partner your children's dad? Seems odd to carry on this setup for so many years if they are his kids and you haven't thought to get married or be put on the deeds of the house? A bit foolish really. If on the other hand they aren't his children I wouldn't expect him to be paying for their prom stuff.

If you are only contributing 30% towards bills you are expecting your partner to subsidise you, you literally have no excuse not to work full-time. I can't say my own parents only worked part-time so they could drive me around as a young adult. I walked, took the bus or cycled, they always worked full-time, much like I do now with 3 kids aged 2-7. Time to get back to work and contributing, you've been lucky that someone would carry you this far.

But it is. She's asking us about her financial and working situation, and an argument that could potentially end her relationship. The fact that she's so vulnerable is highly relevant.

If this was me I would continue with the 16 hour job and build up my own self employed cleaning company.

That way you still control what days and hours you do but you can also substantially increase your salary.

Then I would offer the dp a choice: put me on the house deeds at the very least or the extra income is secreted away for my future security. Good luck OP.

OP, you’re in a pretty vulnerable position.

There’s no reason for you to be so PT OP, even accounting for housework.

But never mind that for now - if you and your partner split up, you’d be entitled to fuck all. You aren’t married so you don’t get any of his pension, or given it’s not in your name, any of the house.

Marry him. Or if he won’t, at least insist the house and mortgage are put 50/50 in your names, and then go back to work FT and put the extra you earn into a pension - and tell him why.

You do appear to be living in a dream world, sort yourself out or you could be on your uppers. Your son can get a bike. Stop sacrificing yourself for everyone.

Exactly.

Do you at least have a cohabitation agreement?

Sounds like your OH is laughing OP. He makes plenty of money, has the house in his name (and probably has savings and pension) and has you to cook and clean and look after his kids. He wants you to work more while still doing everything at home so he can pay less himself and save even more.

If he gets sick of you at any point then you'll be left with nothing and he'll be just fine. Not getting married might seem like a forward thinking and modern thing to do - but if you're going to be a SAHM then it's potentially financially disastrous.

Question: are you as a family struggling financially?
And if you do go full time, are you still in charge of the housework or will he do half?

Tbh I think it's better you're not on the house deed, if things were to go south, the house would be considered an asset for benefits purposes and you'd be liable for half the mortgage whether you could afford it or not.

I do think you should consider it though, if only to be able to have your own savings.
And, since I'm guessing you're not actually I'm financial difficulty, the household income will be taken into consideration for grants/loans of your eldest goes to uni and it doesn't sound like your partner would contribute at all. So you might find yourself needing more hours anyway.
With the hours you work, you could take another part time job, you don't have to leave your current one if you love it so much. I know first hand how good that feels to have a job you're looking forward of doing after decades of jobs that caused me stress, depression, sleepless nights etc.

As in your house the man is the only one who owns property, and the woman is the only one doing the housework, you are living like you’re in Victorian times.

I’m cringing about your “not being Victorian” comment. For a very long time, you’ve been reliant on the financial support and goodwill of your boyfriend. That’s the anthesis of being an independent woman 🤷🏼‍♀️

As a mother of boys, I’d be really sad if their future partners decide to opt out of full time employment once any children started school. It’s just lazy without some other compelling reason like a disability/illness.

Op and her partner are disagreeing re her working ft. Her financial vulnerability affects everything. He holds all the cards.
She’s relying on staying in his good graces to have a bed to sleep in tonight. She’s got less legal rights to be in his house than a lodger.
If he says jump she’s realistically got to say how high until she’s in a position to pay a deposit on a private rental and earn enough to support herself.

You don't have to be married to have children these days. You no longer get sent to a workhouse or have your child taken away for adoption. Sex before marriage is no longer a sin. Thank goodness for progression!

No man should be nagging his wife into working more hours because he needs/wants more income. He should get a better job, and/or work more hours himself.

WTF did I just read? No, nobody should be forcing anybody to do anything, slavery has been abolished. But both partners need to pull their weight. In what world is it OK for one to simply declare that they don't like working, thanks very much, you can work more yourself if not happy?

You can of course choose not to work full time, but if your partner isn’t happy about that then he can absolutely choose not to continue supporting you.

you’re in a very vulnerable position.